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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
QuestionsFromThePublic · 03/04/2023 00:17

"Hope you get sorted". Do NOT offer to help if they are in a bind, you have explained enough. You have no reason to feel guilty. They have taken the absolute piss out of you for years.

Does she work? If her other half is self employed, there is nothing stopping him doing the school run or entertaining his own children. I was self employed when DS first went to school precisely so I could do the school run.

In 15 years of school runs I have had help with pick ups twice. We both work full time and always have. Lots of the DC friends are going to school, football, whatever at the same time.

Chin up , shoulders back, you've got this.

DiscoBeat · 03/04/2023 00:20

I've only ever asked for, and been asked, these things on occasion and everyone's been happy. As a permanent arrangement, no!

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 00:21

The best way to get rid of her would be to agree to it at twice the cost of normal childcare. You would justify this by adding the cost of her convenience and your inconvenience and the face that the kid would require snacks, etc…

You would be able to say that if they expect it to be a permanent solution to their problem, it can become a solution to one of yours - the cost of living.
You wouldn’t see them for dust.

AddictedToPaintTesters · 03/04/2023 00:23

It's horrible that she put you in that position and made things awkward. What she asked you to do was outrageous and unreasonable, simply so she could save money. You had no choice but to refuse. She seems to be completely devoid of a conscience.

TheHoodedPaw · 03/04/2023 00:28

PinkSyCo · 02/04/2023 23:28

You’re going to be ‘saddled with a newborn?’ Bloody hell it sounds like you don’t even want your own let alone someone else’s kid! Well done for telling your CF neighbour though.

Oh give over 🤣

TheHoodedPaw · 03/04/2023 00:32

JackiePlace · 02/04/2023 23:09

Would you consider saying yes and helping her out?
When I was a baby my next door neighbour used to take me every afernoon and push me up and down the street in my pram. She became a very good and life long friend.
Plus, who knows when you might need a favour in return...

‘Would you consider doing something every day that you don’t want to do when you’re already going to be knackered for someone that doesn’t give a shit about you - because someone - not me, I didn’t help anyone - did my mum a favour in 1971?’

Well that totally puts a different spin on it 🤣

SD1978 · 03/04/2023 00:33

@whydid......you committed the cardinal sin.....you went rogue and answered without checking in.......Grin yea yourresponse was a bit long- and you don't need to justify. You don't want to- the end. Having an extra child because they don't want to utilise wrap around care isn't your problem. I'd imagine your reply will probably get her a bit miffed......maybe run her answer past the MN eloquent party before you reply. You aren't wrong though. And you don't have to justify why you don't want to do it- you just don't!

LuckyPeonies · 03/04/2023 00:34

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

So she decided to have another child, though she cannot afford childcare for one of the children she already has?! And you are supposed to provide, for free, what she can’t afford? CF!! Just say NO, and be happy if she distances herself as she’ll likely come up with other unreasonable requests if you stay on friendly terms.

echt · 03/04/2023 00:40

Well done for standing up for yourself, OP.

As I posted on another such thread recently, a valuable thing to consider in all these CF "requests" is the fact that they are getting an income/pension/saving money on the back of someone else's providing free childcare.

Often that someone else has sacrificed income and pension to look after their own children.

pleasehelpwi3 · 03/04/2023 00:49

The old MN favourite: No sorry, that doesn't work for me.

x 1000

No, sorry, that absolutely doesn't work for me, at all.

notangelinajolie · 03/04/2023 01:06

Perfect response OP. She and/orher DH need to step up and look after their own children. And if they cannot they should pay someone else to do it.
💐 to you and best wishes to you and your nearly here new arrival.

evuscha · 03/04/2023 01:12

Wow that is cheeky - and for sure sounds like she befriended you with an intention of getting free childcare. I would understand an occasional ask in emergency, OR her asking you if you were interested in exchange for x amount of money, but wow… What would happen if your child was sick for a week, would you still be expected to get her son?
I personally hate asking people for favors - always worried about inconveniencing them - so I found it extra horrifying when someone has no shame. Good for you for saying no.

CelestiaNoctis · 03/04/2023 01:40

Does she work? It sounds like she doesn't because she had a playdate in the morning? Was she planning on compensating you for sitting with her child every single day until 5pm? It sounds like she needs to find actual childcare and that's not your problem. I remember this happened to my own mum when I was a kid. She used to watch a neighbour girl and eventually they just took the absolute piss. And then they wouldn't speak to her when she kept saying couldn't do it. So clearly just using her. Sounds like the same situation. I don't think you should feel awkward though, you've done nothing wrong and sound like a lovely, helpful person. Whoever you befriend next will be lucky to have you.

nocoolnamesleft · 03/04/2023 01:44

I'd have been tempted to text "Oh bugger. What with the new baby and the toddler, I'd been relying on you agreeing to do all the school drop offs and pick ups for my kid. After all, it wouldn't be out of your way, and I thought we were friends!"

LemonInaMug · 03/04/2023 01:58

She is an absolute turd of a person, is she for real? Show her this thread the cheeky shit!

The fact she says u wouldn’t be going out ur way… u will have a newborn, of course taking someone’s child in for a few hours is going out ur way!!!

She has saved a lot of money by using u and you’ve done it all for free, I smell a one sided friendship here, she’s clearly had ulterior motives

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 02:36

Don't feel guilty at all,

As she has the The bloody Nerve the cheek and she knows it to expect you to provide free After school childcare aswell, As expecting you to pick up her precious son child of 12 yrs age,

It's a bloody Big Ask,

She is relying on your kind of Nature, to get away with her Audacity of Blantant cheekery Fuckery, !

Rember this type of Cheeky fucker,

Would Never dream ever of helping you, in any way , I can bet my bottom dollar on it, 💯 per cent, !

She is the very type of individual, who would expect you to do as many Type of favours for her,

But the one time, something happens randomly to yourself, a emergency or you needed to ask her for a favour,
She would not have time for you,
She would either make a obvious Blatant excuse,
Or
Suddenly she would be as slippery as Eel to get hold of you, (you wouldn't be able to pin her down L.o.l 😄

she would be like Houndi The great Escape Artist Extrodinare.! of Bye gone era, !

Or

She would suddenly develop " Selective Amnesia onset Overnight,

If She sensed, you Might want her for a one off small favour,
it could be just for e.g just asking her if she could pick up a pint of milk, or something as she often goes into your local corner shop,

You would see her rushing past your house, or She would just constantly say , "
" l am in a rush, havent got the time ", even though there is no need for her to rush by, your place,

It's cause she doesn't want you to notice her, so that you will not even the time to ask her.

HelloBunny · 03/04/2023 02:44

She’s “that person”. We have all have one... No is the only answer! Imagine, you having a newborn as well. Cheek!

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 02:47

Her
Your next door neighbours issues to do with childcare expense or inconveniences of life in relation to her having children,

Is not your problem,

It her choice to have children,

You are not her family !

She is bloody Lucky in the first place to have Lovely Neighbours like yourself in the first Place, !
And not Neighbours from Hell, !
That's the first Bonus, your Next door neighbour has got,

It's a Another Bonus that she your next door neighbour has yourself, Willing to help out in emergency in regard of childcare for her family.

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 02:50

I forget to say,

If she ever did a small favour for you !

By God She would expect you to have to return this one off, favour ten fold or something

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 02:55

Hi Op

I sense I know She is one of Life's Users kind of people,
That walk amongst us, that is like irritant like coming across a wasp at picnic or having sand blown in your face when the wind picks up enjoying on the beach...

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 03:03

its not a friendship,

its a Usership,/she is more of Arctiquance

(Amagine,
invisible weighing scales she is allways taking more, than she puts back to level up for a healthy balance.

user1492757084 · 03/04/2023 03:03

Flangeosaurus got it right.
Respectlly state your sustainable boundaries.
Only agree to one offs in an emergency.

Otherwise, if you think that you both can help each other for the next six years then enter into a formal, equal arrangement - eg.where she does mornings and you do afternoons etc and it is reviewed every term incase one of you wants out - no questions asked.

Goodread1 · 03/04/2023 03:06

@user1492757084

Totally Nailed it,
With your comment !

HoppingPavlova · 03/04/2023 03:33

I can’t believe the response the neighbour sent back. It’s CF’ery of the highest order. Her DH will need to do the school run, irrespective of his ‘important job’, or they pay for wrap around care. None of this is your problem and to make it such is gobsmacking.

HappyBunnyNow · 03/04/2023 03:55

I think it's ok to start with "sorry" as long as the rest of the message is a firm no. It soften's the tone a bit but you are still saying no. Good luck!