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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 03/04/2023 23:44

I'm not scouse but I lived in Liverpool for 20 years. I could imagine the CF as a scouser. It's usually a lot of hot air from her type and nothing else.

Maray1967 · 03/04/2023 23:45

Crazyinlove123 · 03/04/2023 22:19

Yeah I wasn’t getting scouse, and scousers don’t tend to refer to themselves as northern, just scouse

I’ve lived in Liverpool for over 30 years and never heard of anything like this!
She is just cheeky - doesn’t matter where she’s from.

BlackBarbies · 04/04/2023 04:17

Well done for sticking your ground. You absolutely did the right thing. Even from her response you can see how entitled she is. Bonkers😅

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 10:20

OP, she's outraged at the moment at the unbelievable cheek of YOU not wanting to provide free childcare, BUT she may well calm down and come back to you for further help.

CF's don't give up easily.

Best thing you can do is give her the widest berth, barely salute only if you have to.

I had this from a woman living nearby a decade ago and it crept up on me that I was getting texts to collect her boy just as I was collecting my own from school.

Then she added an extra curricular.
fortunately only weeks to the end of the school year,.... so I sat it out.

Come September the first day back I got a request to "share runs again".

There was no sharing, just her asking, so I said No thanks I'm good.

She wanted to know what was wrong, I said nothing wrong, it just suits me to do my own thing, thanks.

She then came back with, oh can you just bring him home anyway.

I never replied and never answered another text from her.

Her nose was out of joint but I simply pretended not to notice when I saw her at the school, and she got over herself.

A year later she tried to approach me at a new shared coaching and I simply walked away.

That evening I got a text saying it would be great to share lifts, which I again ignored.

A couple of months later it got back to me that she had roped in another childs parents and wasn't doing her share and the mother was also intending to dump the arrangement for a parent that would actually share the runs.

These people never do this as a once off, it is who they are.

It's not about an emergency help out, as this was how I got caught the first few times, most people happily do that, this is about using people and taking advantage if they can.

I found just ignoring text requests to be very effective over the years.

So OP, she may well not be gone, she may well come back "only looking for a small favour".

Do not engage or entertain her as it will only encourage her.

As for the neighbour?

She may nod at her, but will most likely think she is a CF but not say a word!

PuzzledObserver · 04/04/2023 13:52

In response to the “I’m confused…” I’d have been tempted to say something like:

“I’m confused why you think I have a duty to inconvenience my family and myself in order to provide free childcare for you on a regular basis. You had childcare arrangements which worked, but cancelled them to save money, with no alternative arrangements in place. Your choice is your business, but it does not place any obligation on me.”

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 14:26

Wow can you imagine if you had agreed. Years of service you would be roped into.

aloris · 04/04/2023 14:41

It's tempting to argue with people like this or to show them why they are in the wrong but in my experience it is better not to argue with CFs as, in their opinion, you are wrong when you don't do what they want. If you begin to argue with them they will use a variety of strategies, and you won't be able to prepare for those strategies because most people don't think like that! So you'll be caught "off guard" and you might even end up agreeing to do even more, and later you'll find yourself wondering how on earth that happened. The best thing to do with CFs, IMO, is to free yourself from their clutches, disengage, and stay out of their way forever after. When you see them coming, remember something very important that you have to do on the opposite side of town.

Delatron · 04/04/2023 15:15

As others have said. (From bitter experience) . From now on ignore her. Do not engage. If she messages you for an emergency one off ‘help’ do not reply. If she approaches you to ask for any help just say ‘no not possible’ and walk away. These people have no shame.

CountessWindyBottom · 04/04/2023 18:03

Well done OP! A day or two of feeling a little uncomfortable is preferable to potentially YEARS of this CF draining every bit of life out of you. People like this really beggar all belief, what parallel universe is she on to think this is even remotely ok?! Glad that you got it sorted and don’t engage any further with her re any chats or favours/pick-ups/emergencies etc

Marshmallowkisses · 04/04/2023 18:04

Has she replied to your last message. I'm so invested in this now. Sorry, I have a very boring life 😆

Hmm1234 · 04/04/2023 18:10

Just say sorry but with the cost of living looking after an extra child really does matter! Would you like to pay me for childminding services? Then she’ll never bring it up again

EMUKE · 04/04/2023 18:15

OP we need an update. This has shocked even me!!! I live in a new build estate and all my 3 next door neighbours walk to our local school, Occasionally some put the little ones in before school or after school club. We all say hi but never in a million years would I/we dream of this. Wow just wow…

mozzierella · 04/04/2023 18:15

Euwwwwwh

Give her a wide one

She's not a friend. I wonder who is next on her hit list

toxic44 · 04/04/2023 18:16

She has asked this, expecting you to agree because she thinks you are easily bullied. As pp said, don't apologise or she'll push harder. 'Sorry' invites her to lean on you, to make you uncomfortable and to finally give in. She's entitled and doesn't give a fig about your situation. No is a complete reply.

celticprincess · 04/04/2023 18:16

Wow definitely say no. I had my DD2 a few weeks before my DD1 started nursery. Towards the middle of term a friend asked if I could have their nursery child on a morning as their parent who was doing the childcare was really ill and would no longer manage it. They said it would be just too they found someone else. So they dropped their nursery child on a morning - quite often the doorbell rang when I was still in bed. My nursery child was often still in bed. Sometimes DH would be up getting ready for work quietly without waking us. So then I’d have to get up, sort the baby, feed the two nursery children and get them all out of the door for the 9am start. It was harder work than I imagined as the baby didn’t sleep well through the night. It went on and in until we took a holiday during the term time and the family had to find an alternative. But I do think if we hadn’t had the holiday they wouldn’t have found the alternative. An extra child on a morning is exhausting.

There are some people who just won’t pay for childcare. My neighbour’s DD is at the same school as mine (different year groups). I pay for childcare, probably due to her shift pattern and she drops with the other neighbour who works shifts and doesn’t mind taking the child to school. But I’ve noticed that the neighbour doing the childcare must have a different job now as the neighbour with the child has started using the childcare I use.

Noodles1234 · 04/04/2023 18:18

CF alert
however, as your neighbours best to keep it civil.
just say or text sorry I was a bit taken a back earlier, what I meant to say was sorry it will be too much for me to contend with I would be unable to help with this, trust you understand.

soeaking from experience when I have tried to help and it has been taken advantage of, I now say “no lifts” (unless play dates or pure one offs).

good luck and stand firm as you don’t need this x

NoEffingWay · 04/04/2023 18:20

The cheekiest of CF awards goes to your neighbour 🏆

Gilld69 · 04/04/2023 18:23

how about saying I'll take the 12 year old and you can take all the kids 😉

maxybrown · 04/04/2023 18:24

I'm sorry but WTAF??

Repeat after me - "No" is a complete sentence. "No" is a complete sentence

What a total cheeky fucking arsehole.

I'd be glad if she never spoke to me again! Count your blessings op and stick to your guns.

Cheeky cow taking advantage of your kind personality.
Gives me the rage! It is essentially bullying.

I was going to ask how is the anxiety ridden 12 year old getting back to yours? But then I realised I don't care 😂

Missingpop · 04/04/2023 18:34

Wow she’s got some front hasn’t she; ok on the odd occasion it’s ok but everyday, & your weeks away from having a newborn; sorry but she really is a selfish woman; ok so her eldest has anxiety, deal with it; it’s not your problem ok I get moneys tight for everyone at the moment but again not your problem it’s hers.

I think you need to send her a polite card saying that you & Dh have been chatting it over & have decided committing to taking; collecting & caring for her Ds everyday is completely impractical & unfair to all parties; your due to have baby in a matter of weeks & caring for another child just isn’t fair on you straight after the birth a time when you’ll be bonding with your child & your little ones will want your attention as they adjust to the baby being in the house.

Also you’ve got plans to meet up with friends & family & taking her son along isn’t possible your sorry but with hindsight this isn’t something you can commit to; your happy to help in the odd emergency but to do it full time isn’t something you want to commit too.

If she gets shitty then it shows what a shallow butch she is & you just cut your loses & get on with your life knowing she’ll need you long before you ever need her x

Missc2016 · 04/04/2023 18:34

Hi I once had a neighbour like this and I even put my son into another school as there was no limits of them asking, I just said I spoke to my partner if you have one and we cannot help you with that ill be busy with a newborn plus if someone is off sick I won't be able to rush to get your child so sorry good luck on finding someone though. If not you could just say sorry about that but I wouldn't be able to help you ots too much responsibly for me and would make me too stressed, hope you understand good luck though , don't be afraid to say no, goodluck x

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2023 18:37

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

I’d take him to school as that really isn’t an issue but say she will need to arrange something else for after school.

Wintersgirl · 04/04/2023 18:42

She think's you're a soft touch OP, cheeky fuckers like her can spot kind hearted people a mile off, they think they can use people for their own ends and then get outraged when you say no! Stay strong and don't cave in no matter how much she tries to belittle you.

Inkpotlover · 04/04/2023 18:44

TheSnowyOwl · 04/04/2023 18:37

I’d take him to school as that really isn’t an issue but say she will need to arrange something else for after school.

You think OP should commit to taking awful NDN's kid to school EVERY morning with a newborn baby in tow????

Myneighbourskia · 04/04/2023 18:45

Just ignore her OP. She's a user. No way would I be doing free childcare for anyone.

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