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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 03/04/2023 15:48

whydid · 02/04/2023 22:31

I've text back.

"I don't leave my child at your house because I know I wouldn't want to reciprocate any casual childmind back! I don't do these things. I don't expect anyone to do anything for my children. I did consider us friends but actually I'm thinking did you become my friend because of other motives? I've been happy to help out in emergencies but when I couldn't help once due to my child being off school, you ignored me and I really don't need the aggro of it all with all the expectations. It's better all around for you to find a permanent babysitter so Atleast you can rely on them properly. I will also have to sort my own childcare out next year and it's just not in my interest to take on it all. I have enough on my plate. If you take offence that's fine but I just cannot x"

Now I feel
Stupid for sending such a long winded response

Don't feel stupid:you are not.

I wouldn't respond further. Your last message is perfectly clear.

Whataretheodds · 03/04/2023 15:49

Sammyandtheboocas · 03/04/2023 15:01

You can still bid her a cheery good morning , don't let her make you edge in your own home and street.

Remember you are not the one in the wrong, she is. If she tries to slag you off to other parents , she will end up looking stupid as there is no other spin on the situation other than her looking for free permanent child care.

She'll work out another way to do this, she just thought that mug next door will sort will me out.

Great that she's shown her true colours at this stage.

Also this

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 03/04/2023 16:08

I've not read the full thread but a five minute drive in a car is probably only a mile, possibly less. A 12 year old who doesn't want to get the bus doesn't need a lift every day - assuming no physical problems they can absolutely manage a walk of a mile to school and back and let themselves in and wait if parents aren't around.

FacebookFun · 03/04/2023 16:11

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/04/2023 16:16

Now I feel
Stupid for sending such a long winded response

Some people write more words than others. I tend to be quite brief but it got the message across and that's the main thing.

I have a friend who attracts these CF types there are a lot of them about I think. I have been 😯at some of the things people will assume she'll do for them.

I know she'd do anything in an emergency but I've been friends with her for 10 years and I've never actually needed her to because I don't make shit up and self employed DH has always dropped everything if needed.....

Teateaandmoretea · 03/04/2023 16:18

I actually like its direct no shitness btw and the fact it calls her out directly with examples.

Mainlinethehappy · 03/04/2023 16:31

Well done, OP. I sit and gawp as friends of mine take their neighbours for rides - some people are just takers. It’s not your job to sort out their problems, and having an extra kid around means dynamics are changed and you wouldn’t be able to fully relax. It would be miserable.
love that she tried the, “As a friend” line.
Not any more…😂

sixfoot · 03/04/2023 16:34

Well doneOP!!! Perfect handled. She’s a cheeky cow. I would totally ignore HER from now on.

the7Vabo · 03/04/2023 16:39

rwalker · 01/04/2023 19:59

Perfect

Show quote history

Absolutely perfect. “What’s an extra child” WHAT? I feel sorry for her that she can’t manage but that isn’t your problem. I didn’t have a third child because I can’t afford one and by the sounds of things neither can she.

She’s going to have the deal with the 12 year old some other way.

In any case it’s not your problem. Your problem is that you have a neighbour who respects you so little to be frank.

Myyearmytime · 03/04/2023 16:45

HecticHedgehog · 01/04/2023 20:10

If her child can't manage the bus due to anxiety she can speak to the council about send transport.

The council provide transport for extra need children. You have jump though hoops but it is free.

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2023 16:50

Oh I misunderstood, I didn't realise you were expected to have the secondary school kid as well!!! Bloody hell, that's even worse!
And how are they able to get a bus/walk home but not actually to school?
Let her bloody ignore you outside. Win win.

Lifeisnotfair4 · 03/04/2023 16:51

At least you know now what she truly thinks of your friendship. Sorry this happened to you. It doesn’t matter that you are completely in the right it still must be upsetting for you.

User1438423 · 03/04/2023 16:56

For a 5 minute walk (it takes me 30 minutes each way for mine) I'd be inclined to agree IF she'd asked how she could make it up to you, for eg regular play dates, babysitting, having yours round for dinner when she is home etc also IF she had given back equally in the past. For eg, when it was hailing or she was feeding her baby, did she offer to look after your toddler instead of taking yours with you? Have you equally taken turns? Sounds like not, so it's not someone I'd be inclined to help out.

Also the free after school care is a different request entirely and extremely cheeky. I'd have no issues with saying no, because that would impact massively on your family life at no benefit to you.

I had a friend once that asked me to give her kids breakfast and take them to school a few mornings a week. She asked another friend to do the other days. I wasn't sure at first but wanted to help my friend, and then I needed childcare after school one day a week and she was the go to, she also babysat my kids once a month, so it was a really fair give and take situation. You look to gain nothing from this, except not wanting awkwardness with a neighbour but that is on her not you.

Minierme · 03/04/2023 16:56

ittakes2 · 02/04/2023 22:56

I think you are worried about feeling awkward because you are kind and polite.
She however did not feel awkward about being a complete arse to you so I think you should not worry about how she would feel about you saying no.
I can't see you being friends after she has been so inconsiderate to you.
You should not feel awkward about just saying sorry that doesn't work for you.

Absolutely! I’m utterly amazed at her cheek!

Minierme · 03/04/2023 17:01

I had a neighbour ask me to to drop their child off at home.
I said “sorry, I can’t”
she said “no problem, I’m sure I’ll find someone else. See you soon”
and everything has been perfectly fine. Son has come round to play a few times in the holidays since.

I had no “reason” other than I didn’t want the pressure of being responsible for someone else’s child after rushing from work. I have arranged my hours so I can see my own children, so want to prioritise that. My neighbour is a nice person so none of this was an issue.

This is not you being unreasonable in any way. She has pushed passed any normal limits. Any awkwardness or shame is entirely hers to carry!

Exasperatednow · 03/04/2023 17:02

You've done the right thing. She wants you to be her free childcare.
I suspect they've got money issues (like many of us at this time) and it's not your role to solve it for them. It wouldn't be a sustainable solution

pettysquabbles · 03/04/2023 17:05

I'm not sure what the dilemma is? SHe is a CF and just tell her no.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 03/04/2023 17:19

Well done on standing firm with your boundaries.
Her ignoring you says a great deal!

AliceOlive · 03/04/2023 17:21

I’m just blown away by her telling you how important her husband’s job is, as if it has anything to do with you at all. As if you were out in the planet to solve the problems she and her husband created with their life decisions. And I’m quite sure she’d never be willing to help you out.

I am sorry you’ve learned what a wretch she is but better to know than to think she’s a friend.

I8toys · 03/04/2023 17:28

YANBU. I've helped out people in emergencies and a friend who was a single mum and it saved on before school costs for her to take her son to school with mine so it was no issue. But this this is another level cheeky fuckerness. Get her lazy ass too important husband to pull his weight.

Unsure33 · 03/04/2023 17:39

You were right to say no . What if something happened to her child while in your care . You are not a registered childminder . You are not getting paid , you do not have insurance . You will have your hands full as it is . Her problems are not your problems. And if she is ignoring you it proves she is no friend. Stick to your guns !

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 03/04/2023 17:40

Given that she's asking you to do the job of a childminder you could always go down the route of deliberate misunderstanding

"thank you for thinking of me in your childcare plans, I know many mums do find that working part time as a childminder combines well with raising their family but with the new baby coming I'm simply not interested in becoming a registered childminder at present I do hope you find a childcare solution that meets your needs."

Justalittlebitduckling · 03/04/2023 17:48

after school he will just be sitting in yours before either one of us gets home, as dh is self employed his jobs are important and he cannot afford to leave at school pick up and when the eldest arrives he will be entertaining them, you don't need to look after them and thought as

So if the child is at your house they will just be sitting there, but if they’re at home with DH they will need entertaining? 🤔 you’re the one who should be confused, not her! Unbelievable!

viques · 03/04/2023 17:50

I am finding it hard to understand how the 12 year old who can’t walk un accompanied, and can’t go on a bus is able to make their way to your house after school. Either he is being brought by an adult ( who could then take him and his younger siblings) or he is being beamed to your house by hitherto unknown technology, or, surprise surprise he is perfectly able to get himself from school to home, and vice versa, when it suits.

Hmmmm.

MavisCruet2023 · 03/04/2023 17:55

She ignored you.

Great - the trash took itself out.

She's a cheeky wee c**t, so she is.