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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 03/04/2023 09:06

She is clearly not worrying about offending or upsetting you OP.

AmandaHoldensLips · 03/04/2023 09:09

Yeah. She's not a friend. She's a CF.

Mary28 · 03/04/2023 09:13

I thought your last txt was perfect. You explained yourself and the situation calmly and it was unambiguous. She's no loss.

Dibbydoos · 03/04/2023 09:18

Flangeosaurus · 01/04/2023 19:55

Text her: Sorry I was a bit flustered before because x was crying! I’m sorry but I can’t help with your youngest in that way, I’ve got too much on with my own after school. Hope you manage to get sorted with it x

This is the answer.

Good luck OP

silverbubbles · 03/04/2023 09:21

The thing that will make this very awkward for you both in your 'forever homes' is if you don't nip this in the bud with a firm NO right now. Then you can all move on.
Do it via text like someone else mentioned.

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/04/2023 09:27

The advantages of a brief reply are that there is nothing for her to come back on; as it is, your forthright but overly involved reply has provided her with plenty of material to challenge you on which risks souring even surface relations between the two of you. An initial "That doesn't work for me" or "I've already said no, how I manage my time in my own home is really none of your business." She is going to react childishly either way but holding a mirror up to her entitled arseholery isn't going to help matters.

GabriellaMontez · 03/04/2023 09:28

Wow. She thinks it's a negotiation?!

It's not, you don't have to explain. No more long texts. "I'm not available for childcare" is all you need to say.

She isn't your friend. She's a user. The only way she'll continue to pretend to be your friend, is if you let her treat you like a doormat.

Better to reset your relationship.

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 09:32

But presumably you would address directly and swiftly and wouldn’t allow to rumble on, ask anonymous posters and then send a long waffley (and unnecessarily inflammatory)message

I wouldn’t address swiftly, no. Because I’m one of these people who feels like they can’t say no.

Sometimes it takes being really miffed off and fed up to finally be able to say it how it is. OP’s response was fine and justified.

It’s perfectly fine to ask anonymous posters about it too. Not what I would do no, but that’s only because I’m more of a lurker than a poster and can’t be bothered.

MsRosley · 03/04/2023 09:33

It's absolutely astonishing that so many people like this woman exist. How on earth do they get this way?

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 09:37

“Oh and here I was thinking you’d be offering to pay me back for all the school pickups and drop offs I’ve given you once the baby’s born. More fool me. Obviously you’re just a vulture”

smizing · 03/04/2023 09:41

I think your last text was great OP. You clearly explained that you will not be taking her child to school permanently. The cheek of this woman!
I'd not respond to her if she texts you again.

raincamepouringdown · 03/04/2023 09:41

"I'm not here to solve your financial and logistical problems regarding your childcare and school transport. Please don't ask me again."

Schnooze · 03/04/2023 09:42

I agree your response was a bit inflammatory but it’s sent now. I suspect that there is no chance of cordial relations now, but you definitely got your message across.
Let us know how she resolves it all.

Isahlo · 03/04/2023 09:43

whydid · 02/04/2023 22:31

I've text back.

"I don't leave my child at your house because I know I wouldn't want to reciprocate any casual childmind back! I don't do these things. I don't expect anyone to do anything for my children. I did consider us friends but actually I'm thinking did you become my friend because of other motives? I've been happy to help out in emergencies but when I couldn't help once due to my child being off school, you ignored me and I really don't need the aggro of it all with all the expectations. It's better all around for you to find a permanent babysitter so Atleast you can rely on them properly. I will also have to sort my own childcare out next year and it's just not in my interest to take on it all. I have enough on my plate. If you take offence that's fine but I just cannot x"

Now I feel
Stupid for sending such a long winded response

You did great op!!

sunglassesonthetable · 03/04/2023 09:44

It's absolutely astonishing that so many people like this woman exist. How on earth do they get this way?

Omg yes!

Outstanding cheeky cow. Beyond ridiculous what she is asking you and getting annoyed you won't comply!

Breathtaking.

You've said no so that's done. Well done OP.

Remember you don't actually have to give a reason/ excuse/ explanation.

Pancakeorcrepe · 03/04/2023 09:45

Wow this woman is astonishing! I hope she leaves you alone now

FlamingoQueen · 03/04/2023 09:50

Your last response was a very good one. I don’t see how she can have a comeback to it. Cheeky cow.

BlackFriday · 03/04/2023 09:52

The only trouble with lengthy explanations is that it can open up what the other person thinks is a negotiation. It gives them the opportunity to counter your entirely valid reasons with "solutions" (that benefit them, not you).
So yes, short, sharp and sweet is probably a better option in general.
But this one is such a cheeky fucker that no doubt you'll get another chance to respond with a more pithy shut-down when she sends another diatribe later on.

AddictedToPaintTesters · 03/04/2023 09:52

The neighbour sounds like the sort to plead financial problems but then be off on holiday with the family to Florida after you've saved her childcare costs. I've been duped before in a similar, but smaller way.

HomeTheatreSystem · 03/04/2023 10:02

"when the eldest arrives he will be entertaining them, you don't need to look after them"

And she's provided you with an insight into why, from her POV, this is a nothing ask. Definitely would not let my child round hers even for a playdate let alone emergency childcare.

CremeEggQueen · 03/04/2023 10:03

whydid · 02/04/2023 22:05

I sent this text
"Good evening, in response to your childcare request this morning, I cannot commit to it and think it be best if you find permanent solution. Have a nice night x"

And she responded with

"hi, I'm just confused because it's not going out of your way, after school he will just be sitting in yours before either one of us gets home, as dh is self employed his jobs are important and he cannot afford to leave at school pick up and when the eldest arrives he will be entertaining them, you don't need to look after them and thought as a friend you would want to help out like I have told you plenty of times to send your son over but it's not my fault if you didn't take up the offer"

She sent that reply back at 9pm tonight so obviously been stewing on the reply. I haven't replied yet!

Show quote history

She's well cheeky.
It was worth an ask as they say, but your answer was no which is fair enough, and she should leave it be, like no worries, thought I'd just ask type thing.
Not keep pushing! Hate it when people are like that.
Expecting it as a regular occurrence every single day is far too much, you're not a childminder.

ilovesushi · 03/04/2023 10:06

Just say no. This is going to add far too much complexity to your day. If anyone needs the help it is you. She is out of order asking. A polite and firm no.

ilovesushi · 03/04/2023 10:09

Just seen your responses to her. They are perfect.

ChilliHeelerFanClub · 03/04/2023 10:09

Your final response was perfect imo. No need to feel stupid. I bet she’s not feeling stupid or grabby (even though she should be). Bloody well done for standing up for yourself.

Cherryblossoms85 · 03/04/2023 10:19

Err laugh in her face and tell her to find another sucker? The cheek of some people..