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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School run dilemma.

567 replies

whydid · 01/04/2023 19:53

I don't want to drip feed so will try to include everything.

My son has started reception this year at the local school around 5 minutes walk away.
I have a 2.5 year old and I'm pregnant due May 10th!

On the odd time I have took my neighbours son to school with me when she had an emergency or she was feeding her baby.

Yesterday morning she dropped into conversation that they cannot keep affording to send their 12 year old to school via taxi anymore and as he has anxiety he cannot go by bus so will be needing to drive her to school and can I permanently take her younger son to school and in the afternoons pick him up and bring him home with me till 5pm ish as she needs to collect baby from childminder and it's becoming too tight.
(She is stopping after school wrap around care as it is too expensive)

When I mentioned I will be saddled with a newborn next month her response was "well you would still be doing it anyway so what's an extra child" and I just was so shocked I didn't reply and my toddler started crying so I said my goodbyes.

How do I deal with this without making it extremely awkward for the rest of our lives. As these homes are both our "forever homes"

OP posts:
MeridianB · 03/04/2023 07:54

I assumed she was a single parent struggling to juggle timings, but not only does she have a husband, he’s self employed and so presumably has some degree of flexibility in his day.

Her expectations are sky high. You shouldn’t feel a second of guilt about setting a firm boundary. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. 🌷

Seagal · 03/04/2023 07:54

Solution
Neighbour drives both kids, to the 12 year olds school, as Secondary School start earlier than Primary Schools and gates are open at least 30 mins before school starts.
So she can drop 12 year old off 20 mins earlier and has plenty of time to drive back home and walk youngest to school, if she doesn't want to employ a childminder, or use a before & after school club, or ask her partner to assist with drop off and or collection of one of his kids.
No need to involve lovely NDN.

Op, just text. No thanks to childminding am not looking to take on any employment. Hope you find a childminder soon.

Hardtopickaname · 03/04/2023 07:56

Well done OP! She was absolutely taking advantage of you. Sounds like one of those people who manipulate others to get what they want.

1ittlegreen · 03/04/2023 08:01

You could do with your answer demonstrating what a cf she is being.

Something like "No thanks, that sounds like a bum deal for me." Don't elaborate or give her anything to push back on.

Therapistmothermaid · 03/04/2023 08:11

I believe if you regularly provide over 2 hours of childcare for a child you are meant to get Ofsted registered, as you're not a childminder you cannot take this on as you would need to be a registered childminder

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:16

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EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:17

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LlynTegid · 03/04/2023 08:18

Apart from the OFSTED point (good one), the neighbour should be seeking to build confidence for the 12 year old to use the bus, as if not, then school trips could be out of the question and other limitations.

It's great to get on with neighbours, ideal if possible, but not to be exploited. Would in any case you want the responsibility for a teenager (he will be soon) with mental health issues?

BlackFriday · 03/04/2023 08:20

@EstherUrsula Do you have to be quite so unkind in your response? No need for it.
The OP has drawn her boundaries now, in a way that feels comfortable to her.
Fine, you'd have done it differently perhaps but no need to put the boot in.

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:22

BlackFriday · 03/04/2023 08:20

@EstherUrsula Do you have to be quite so unkind in your response? No need for it.
The OP has drawn her boundaries now, in a way that feels comfortable to her.
Fine, you'd have done it differently perhaps but no need to put the boot in.

Did you read her last message? Does it sound like she’s happy with the way she’s handled it?

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 08:23

I assumed she was a single parent struggling to juggle timings

I think even if she was a single parent, she’d still be a massive CF to think it’s an automatic given that OP will help her.

MuggleMe · 03/04/2023 08:28

Seriously, I'm expecting my 9yo to walk herself over a mile to school in Sept. Save money on the bus to pay for ASC for the 5yo. Sorted!

Thisisbig · 03/04/2023 08:28

There’s always people like @EstherUrsula on mumsnet. They must get pleasure from being completely rude. It’s the only explanation.

I think the OP did a great job.

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 08:31

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She wouldn’t have to feel like that though if her neighbour wasn’t a CF.
If someone pestered me for childcare I would feel put upon too.

diddl · 03/04/2023 08:33

Hopefully that will be the end of it for you Op.

People can't be so stupid as the think that adding someone else's child in makes no difference can they?

I remember just once taking someone else's kid somewhere & bloody hell-he dawdled along, just couldn't get him to walk at our pace!

Learnt my lesson that day!

EstherUrsula · 03/04/2023 08:33

funinthesun19 · 03/04/2023 08:31

She wouldn’t have to feel like that though if her neighbour wasn’t a CF.
If someone pestered me for childcare I would feel put upon too.

Show quote history

But presumably you would address directly and swiftly and wouldn’t allow to rumble on, ask anonymous posters and then send a long waffley (and unnecessarily inflammatory)message

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 03/04/2023 08:35

She's stupid to think two extra kids makes no difference when you'll have a newborn to deal with as well as your older kids.
Well done on standing your ground, I wouldn't even bother replying if she sends anymore back.

familyissues12345 · 03/04/2023 08:38

BlackFriday · 03/04/2023 07:53

Oh lordie, I've just re-read this and seen that she is expecting you to look after BOTH of her kids, not just the youngest!! I had initially understood it to mean that her oh-so-important husband would be entertaining the eldest and therefore couldn't manage their 5 year old.
I see now that she is saying that the 12 year old will entertain the younger two "so you don't have to." So that's 5 kids you'd have.
Fuck that!!

Yes I've just picked up on that too! However I'm confused, I thought the neighbour was asking for help as she'd be collecting the eldest, meaning she'd struggle to get her youngest. So why would the 12 year old end up at OP's house too?!

CwmYoy · 03/04/2023 08:40

Well done, OP. Stay firm.

BusyMum47 · 03/04/2023 08:42

Just say NO! End of. Her finances & childcare problems are NOT your problems. You can be a decent friend & do it on occasion IF it doesn't inconvenience you or your kid wants a play date etc but as a regular thing when you have or will have 3 kids yourself?? No. Massive bloody cheek.

MzHz · 03/04/2023 08:43

whydid · 02/04/2023 22:31

I've text back.

"I don't leave my child at your house because I know I wouldn't want to reciprocate any casual childmind back! I don't do these things. I don't expect anyone to do anything for my children. I did consider us friends but actually I'm thinking did you become my friend because of other motives? I've been happy to help out in emergencies but when I couldn't help once due to my child being off school, you ignored me and I really don't need the aggro of it all with all the expectations. It's better all around for you to find a permanent babysitter so Atleast you can rely on them properly. I will also have to sort my own childcare out next year and it's just not in my interest to take on it all. I have enough on my plate. If you take offence that's fine but I just cannot x"

Now I feel
Stupid for sending such a long winded response

If this is true, you KNOW you’ve called this right.

it’s all one way with her and she has ‘punished’ you for not being able to drop everything.

she’s not a friend.

good for you for being so direct

Marchsnowstorms · 03/04/2023 08:49

nocoolnamesleft · 03/04/2023 01:44

I'd have been tempted to text "Oh bugger. What with the new baby and the toddler, I'd been relying on you agreeing to do all the school drop offs and pick ups for my kid. After all, it wouldn't be out of your way, and I thought we were friends!"

This

Takeachance18 · 03/04/2023 08:50

She hasn't even mentioned what time she would want you to have her child from in the morning, so could be 7.30 - 5. Just no, "I can't commit to every day, with another baby arriving soon, we are going to be adjusting to a new morning and afternoon routine and I don't want to be responsible for another child and x starting at pre-school shortly, may need to find someone to help me out with school runs.

BlackFriday · 03/04/2023 08:53

And if one of her children is ever ill? Will she be wanting you to have them "just sitting at yours" as you'd be in anyway?

rainbowstardrops · 03/04/2023 09:03

I can't believe the cheek of her! It's up to her and her partner to sort their childcare issues out, not yours!
Well done for standing firm because otherwise, you'd have been saddled with that for years!