Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How to get away with not inviting them?

100 replies

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 16:44

Planning my wedding and having trouble deciding what to do. It’s my sister, I cannot not invite her and her children and husband as she would cause a shit storm (very subtly)

However, I really don’t want her there. She has put me through hell and it’s only in the past year that people have started to see it. It’s clear she can’t abide my husband to be, he doesn’t like her either because of how she’s treated me but he will at least be civil be civil. On the other hand she’s been passive aggressive and hostile since the moment I introduced him and talks over him or pretends he is not there. She thinks she is above everyone else and is very unhappy when she is not the focus of conversation. I feel intimidated by her as I am a bit socially awkward and she definitely has the upper hand and is expert at social tactics and reading people’s insecurities and playing on them

Needless to say don’t want her there it wouldn’t feel very nice for the pair of us but can’t see a way of not inviting her unless we marry just the two of us. We can’t invite our parents and one sibling but not the other without inducing WW3. If she was left out I do truly believe it would cause us angst in the future but then if we elope we don’t have the opportunity to have lovely family members there with us.

OP posts:

Redebs · 01/04/2023 16:47

Is there any event that is coming up in future for her her that you could coincide the date with? Bit of a long shot and she might rearrange?

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 01/04/2023 16:51

I would probably plan the wedding and invite your parents and other sibling very last minute (maybe ask them to babysit or something in advance in that day so you know they are free) and deal with the fall out afterwards.

If she says anything just say you know she dislikes your dh so you didn't want to put her in the position of having to be there at the wedding, then disengage entirely.

Gingergirl70 · 01/04/2023 16:51

It's easy for everyone who will come along and say, it's your wedding, invite who you want. But families are incredibly complicated sometimes and trying to decide the best thing to do is exhausting and stressful when you just want to organise a wonderful wedding surrounded by your family and friends.
An option is maybe go have a wonderfully romantic wedding, just the two of you, somewhere fabulous. You could even live stream it if thought of your parents not seeing you marry is too much. Then you could have an evening reception when you get home. This will limit your exposure to your sister and restrict her opportunity to somehow sabotage it.

thegrain · 01/04/2023 16:52

You're just going to have to own your hatred of her

Hadalifeonce · 01/04/2023 16:54

It sounds like it will all hit the fan at some point anyway. If your parents and other sibling have seen the way your sister is to your fiancé, could you forewarn them that you are contemplating not inviting her to your wedding , to guage what their reaction is? If they are supportive, don't invite her.

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 16:56

don't invite her. You don't have to have people who are shitty to you at your own wedding.

Don't enter into any discussions with her about why. And if anyone pesters, tell them you don't want her there. If they push either repeat that or tell them she's been shitty to you.

Brief a few good friends to run interference on the day, just in case.

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 16:58

This is what we did with DHs sister that we didn't want at our wedding. She caused a lot of noise before and after and we had 2 of our biggest friends on lookout for her trying to gatecrash. Luckily she didn't

but it was worth it not to have the worry of having her there and the rest of us had a lot of fun

Original poster

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 17:03

@Gingergirl70 thats a fab idea

OP posts:

Clarinet1 · 01/04/2023 17:15

What kind on numbers are you thinking of having? At a large wedding how much
time do the bride and groom spend with any one guest? Also, perhaps you could brief a good friend to keep her out of the way.
If it’s going to be a smaller do, perhaps that could be the answer “We’re keeping it small”. (A it of stretch I know for your sister but.. )
If you were to go for a destination wedding, ciujd the budget stretch to the parents and a few friends but not sister?

Daftasyoulike · 01/04/2023 17:24

While I do understand how difficult parents in particular can be if you don't invite a sibling, I think it's fair that your sister should pay for her previous treatment of you, and if she can't bring herself to at least be civil to your DH to be, then I definitely wouldn't invite her. Just a thought, how would your other sibling react if you married abroad and only invited parents? You could still stream the wedding for siblings, and then it's up to them.

Leah2005 · 01/04/2023 17:26

Perhaps meet up with her beforehand and explain why you are not inviting her? "we don't get on, you don't like my htb so I won't be inviting you" and see what her response is?

BMW6 · 01/04/2023 17:30

Elope.

Dogwalker56 · 01/04/2023 17:47

It is always so difficult when it is family members. If it wouldn't impact on your parents or other sibling, then I'd not invite her and explain why. She clearly has no consideration for you or your fiancé. She sounds awful tbh. If it is likely to cause an upset with your parents or other family members, then could they have a word with her about her behaviour and maybe stress how disgusting it would be to even think about continuing this way at your wedding? I would maybe enlist the support of parents in managing her on the day if she does get an invite. Some people are just so unnecessarily awful! God only knows what pleasure they take from inflicting misery on others.
I hope that whatever you decide, it turns out to be a wonderful wedding. Good luck!

Ellmau · 01/04/2023 17:51

It's difficult.

Could you invite and her her dh and not the DC, in the hope that she declines? You'd probably still get the grief though.

Why does she not like your fiance? Is there an actual reason? How is it presented?

Original poster

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 18:03

@Leah2005 she would almost certainly become very reactive if I tried to do this and then play the victim.

OP posts:

Original poster

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 18:08

@Ellmau possibly though I think she would happily find a sitter for DC.
There isn’t really a back story to speak of, I know she doesn’t approve of his job as she thinks he earns too little from what I can tell about her eye rolls and scathing remarks whenever he’s chatting about it at family gatherings. She also can’t abide her BIL and his wife on her DHs side and hates them both for no obvious reason, when we’ve met them they seem nice people. Nobody else in the family has a problem with my DH. I think weirdly she might want to be the sole focus of both her and DHs parents and views me and BIL and our partners as direct competition for that.

I have tried asking her directly if there’s a problem or if she has any concerns but she denies she does and will say I am looking for trouble. The issue is that everybody else senses she is creating tension around it and observes she doesn’t treat him/me very nicely. She has blocked us both on her social media for example, I am allowed to see one of her social media profiles but not the other and DH blocked from all. It was awkward as he was going to tag the whole family in something and only noticed then

OP posts:

Gingergirl70 · 01/04/2023 18:09

I'm interested in what kind of behaviour she would display, both in the run up to the wedding and at the actual event? What kind of subtle shitstorm are we talking about? Trying to control things, try steal the limelight, try to sabotage the actual ceremony in some way?
I take it you've only just started talking about setting a date but nobody has been informed of any details yet, including your parents?

Timbot · 01/04/2023 18:11

I'd invite her. Then your conscience is clear and you can't be blamed for anything. Make sure she is not near you on the seating plan and forget about her. If u don't invite her it will cause massive ructions

BananasinPyhamas · 01/04/2023 18:17

Fuck that. Go abroad, somewhere really expensive and only invite parents or very close friends. Fuck her, she's a know, don't allow her to be there, she will ruin it.

Natty13 · 01/04/2023 18:17

To be honest I wouldn't invite her and anyone who brought it up to me I'd be really matter of fact/act like ot would obvious why, then change the subject. That's my usual formula for awkward confrontations. "She hates Brian, why on earth would she be invited to watch us get married?! Have you seen its meant to be snowing next week?"

"We decided to only invite people we are close to and who support us getting married. Try this sauce it's lovely"

And so on. Just be calm and brief and refuse to engage further. You can only be draggedintk drama if you try to explain and defend, just don't go there.

NemoandDoris · 01/04/2023 18:18

Try not to have get there. Your wedding your rules and if she can’t be civil that’s on her. She is basically a narcissist bully and you need to stand up to her. Do you get on with your BIL? Is he the same or does he try to diffuse the situation?

You could pick a date they are on holiday. Or go for a really small, close family event and keep it secret. I know someone who just invited everyone to a BBQ one afternoon and when people arrived discovered it was their wedding reception.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 01/04/2023 18:18

Redebs · 01/04/2023 16:47

Is there any event that is coming up in future for her her that you could coincide the date with? Bit of a long shot and she might rearrange?

I would either do this or go and get married, just the two of you and announce it when you get home

Original poster

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 18:19

Gingergirl70 · 01/04/2023 18:09

I don’t think she’d be bold enough to steal the limelight or anything like that. She would just be unpleasant and unnerve me cleverly. She’s quite passive aggressive where we are both concerned. She will tell other people I don’t love her as much as she loves me and she just doesn’t understand why, saying ‘I really care about you and love you so much, come here you, you act as if I’m out to get you, numpty, I’m your sister’ but then behind closed doors telling me I’m inadequate as her sister and she felt neglected by me etc. This would be said if say for instance if I couldn’t meet her for a coffee on the same day and could only see her the following day. She would act like it was the worst rejection of all time and that she puts so much more effort into being my sister than I do her. It has felt like mind games for so long!

OP posts:

drpet49 · 01/04/2023 18:20

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 16:56

don't invite her. You don't have to have people who are shitty to you at your own wedding.

Don't enter into any discussions with her about why. And if anyone pesters, tell them you don't want her there. If they push either repeat that or tell them she's been shitty to you.

Brief a few good friends to run interference on the day, just in case.

Yes this

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 18:20

OP you can have the wedding you want, you don't have to switch to an elopement or a tiny thing just to give you a reason not to have to invite a shitty person.

Have the wedding you want and don't invite people you don't want to be there. And uninvite anyone who wants to guild trip you into changing your mind.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread