How to get away with not inviting them?

[howcanIdothiss]

Planning my wedding and having trouble deciding what to do. It’s my sister, I cannot not invite her and her children and husband as she would cause a shit storm (very subtly)

However, I really don’t want her there. She has put me through hell and it’s only in the past year that people have started to see it. It’s clear she can’t abide my husband to be, he doesn’t like her either because of how she’s treated me but he will at least be civil be civil. On the other hand she’s been passive aggressive and hostile since the moment I introduced him and talks over him or pretends he is not there. She thinks she is above everyone else and is very unhappy when she is not the focus of conversation. I feel intimidated by her as I am a bit socially awkward and she definitely has the upper hand and is expert at social tactics and reading people’s insecurities and playing on them

Needless to say don’t want her there it wouldn’t feel very nice for the pair of us but can’t see a way of not inviting her unless we marry just the two of us. We can’t invite our parents and one sibling but not the other without inducing WW3. If she was left out I do truly believe it would cause us angst in the future but then if we elope we don’t have the opportunity to have lovely family members there with us.

I don’t know actually. It feels she does have the monopoly as she has the grandkids/kids, crazy though that is. We are all aware how she tries to be in control but nobody actually wants to confront her as she has a history of blaming MH issues and then guilt tripping people and asking for space meaning we don’t see DN.

Only reading it back can I see how it looks.

Another one here saying if she has kids, make it 300 miles away on a Wednesday.

Might be an easy way around it actually

If you are forced to play happy families, also invite the BIL and wife of her DH that she hates and sit them on a table together as punishment. Or with Auntie Joan who you know will give anyone that’ll listen a 2 hour lecture on her intimate medical issues and “accidentally” order her the vegan main that sadly won’t be able to be substituted on the day.

I like the seating plan idea deffo

I hope you find a way OP. It’s rubbish that your sister can’t just be normal and be a part of your special day and life. It sucks.

Thank you, really does x

Part of me agrees with another poster to do your vows alone & then a party another time but it seems unfair to not have the wedding you want.
I would just accept that you know what she’s like & give her no room to sabotage. Predict it that she will in some pathetic way - but it’s of no consequence. She has no rights to hen parties, being bridesmaid or choosing your dress with you or where she sits as you can just reiterate your wedding your rules smile & move on. Involve her in nothing & just avoid her for most of the day. If you are having s traditional wedding with bridesmaids etc they can be your shield & line of defense to any trouble makers if they know what she’s like.

Suggestions that the OP marry quietly and then have a party still leave her with the invitation question.

Here's one and it's balls out as they say. When you send out the invitations out, post to the sister saying she isn't invited and why. In this way the OP won't be subject to PA enquiries as lost invites.

Really, how much worse could the relationship get? Nothing to lose.

You could invite her and have a third party make it very clear she is to behave in a respectful way.. Also make it clear she is in the last chance saloon and ANY indication she is going to kick off then she will be escorted from the wedding and you will go no contact.

Sit her far away from you and and get the bar staff to water down her drinks.

Only elope if its actually what you want to do.

If you don't, just don't invite her, if she asks act confused and say "but you dont even like (fiancees name) & you have never got along? Why would you want to come to our wedding?" Tell your parents and other family members the truth/ exactly why your not inviting her.

Your wedding, your choice who to invite. Don't elope just to avoid an awkward conversation.

I’ve noticed whoever kicks off the most in families has everyone wrapped around their finger. Perhaps try kicking off more than her about the way she treats your DP.

That is a pattern isn’t it. Might be worth a try! I’m trying not to escalate things further it’s just hard obviously as weddings stir up emotions

If your brother doesn't mind then just don't invite siblings. I'd buy him a lovely gift and thank him for taking one for the team.

Might go with this tbh! Thank you

There’s loads of ways to make a wedding unappealing without having it abroad.

I considered having our wedding 200 miles away on a Monday to get rid of the unwanted family on my side.
If she doesn’t like horses, you get married on a horse farm. If she won’t hike, get married on Ben Nevis or in the middle of the forest. Or on a shingle beach at the end of November and it’s black tie. Make it a child free or 10am on a Wednesday during term time. You could even make it an evening wedding so her children will be asleep - pick the last slot at the registry office and then go to a nice bar or a brewery. Serve her least favourite food because your partner just loves it. Put a ridiculous request in that everyone has to wear green or whatever her least favourite colour is.

She’s your sister so you’ll know what she’ll hate. Then just throw as many of the things she’ll hate at the wedding at the same time. I guess even if she does come she’ll just have the worst time and it’ll be a little passive aggressive kick back.

I think the no brother is a brilliant idea. Meet up with him and his family in advance and explain the issue. Then just have parents and witnesses.

Invite all of us and we'll keep her in line 😁

Invite your sister and her family but have a word with your friends about her behaviour. Your friends can ensure that you are shielded from her.

I agree. You need a strategy like marking in team games. Just as the marker’s aim is to prevent the other team scoring, you need someone to prevent sister from sabotaging.
Have a friend/friends mark her throughout the event to keep her distracted from you. Put her on a table far from you with people who care about you and won’t mind the challenge of keeping her occupied.

I really don’t understand all this angst. You’re making it a bigger deal then it is. So she kicks off and what? Have the wedding you want, invite who you want and if she wants to know why she’s not invited tell her the truth.
Stop putting your needs and wishes second to hers.

Very valid point. Thank you

OP, you've agreed with every suggestion you've been given! You really are a people pleaser, aren't you?

FWIW I agree you should have an engagement meal to provide her with the opportunity to act badly enough to give you the excuse not to invite her. I think you might find it extremely empowering to have valid grounds to stand up to her and genuinely not care about the consequences. It might even strengthen your relationship. I found my relationship with my DSIL improved immeasurably when I finally lost my temper with her over my wedding plans, after years and years of treading on eggshells around her. I think an unexpected outburst from a people pleaser (which I used to be too!) can do wonders for levels of respect.

Yes I am! Lol. I hate conflict. The limited times I have called her out for her behaviour she has become reactive and claimed I am looking for things that aren’t there, so then I kind of just fade back a bit as I don’t want to get into a confrontational back and forth. I do think she must like the drama!

Testing the waters is a plan though, I think like you say that way it will be clear to all (not just me) if there’s any unkindness coming from her