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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to get away with not inviting them?

100 replies

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 16:44

Planning my wedding and having trouble deciding what to do. It’s my sister, I cannot not invite her and her children and husband as she would cause a shit storm (very subtly)

However, I really don’t want her there. She has put me through hell and it’s only in the past year that people have started to see it. It’s clear she can’t abide my husband to be, he doesn’t like her either because of how she’s treated me but he will at least be civil be civil. On the other hand she’s been passive aggressive and hostile since the moment I introduced him and talks over him or pretends he is not there. She thinks she is above everyone else and is very unhappy when she is not the focus of conversation. I feel intimidated by her as I am a bit socially awkward and she definitely has the upper hand and is expert at social tactics and reading people’s insecurities and playing on them

Needless to say don’t want her there it wouldn’t feel very nice for the pair of us but can’t see a way of not inviting her unless we marry just the two of us. We can’t invite our parents and one sibling but not the other without inducing WW3. If she was left out I do truly believe it would cause us angst in the future but then if we elope we don’t have the opportunity to have lovely family members there with us.

OP posts:
Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 22:45

Op it’s your wedding. You will need to be grown up and admit you can’t stand her and don’t wish her there. And deal with the fall out. Either that ir invite her.

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 22:46

Also listing all the reasons you hate her guts doesn’t really change it . Own it and don’t invite, don’t own it, invite and wear it. That’s your options.

Justalittlebitduckling · 01/04/2023 22:57

Can you have her there but in a far corner and just make sure you have bridesmaids around you so she doesn’t say anything bitchy?

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 23:30

@Wheresthebloodynurofen thank you the objective seeing things through a B&W lens does help with gaining some clarity in my overlook

@Justalittlebitduckling the problem is I feel like everyone’s a bit apprehensive of her

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 08:32

@Hadalifeonce they would understand but my parents in particular are keen for everyone else to be ‘the bigger person’ and rise above her behaviour, they’re very sad about the fact they can’t celebrate happy occasions with everyone in one room already so I think the only way of not having her there and also not upsetting them would be to elope, which they’ve actually suggested we do anyway. So hard people pleasing!

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 02/04/2023 08:49

You are enabling her bad behaviour.
I would simply make a record of the comments and behaviours she makes towards your DP and tell her she’s not invited and why citing those behaviours.
You and your partner deserve this day.

You are allowing her to treat your DP like this, why should his family miss out on his wedding because you elope due to your sisters behaviour?
Your partner has a DP problem.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 09:02

7yo7yo · 02/04/2023 08:49

You are enabling her bad behaviour.
I would simply make a record of the comments and behaviours she makes towards your DP and tell her she’s not invited and why citing those behaviours.
You and your partner deserve this day.

You are allowing her to treat your DP like this, why should his family miss out on his wedding because you elope due to your sisters behaviour?
Your partner has a DP problem.

Very true

OP posts:
MissMarplesbag · 02/04/2023 09:08

Plan the wedding mid week during term time either at a venue abroad or long distance from your home town. Invite her but make it difficult and expensive for her to attend.

wordonthestreetisthat · 02/04/2023 09:29

Of course you can not invite her but you'll have to deal with the consequences.

However, I'd suggest you speak with your parents first so they are aware in advance and know the reasons!

HappyDaisy2 · 02/04/2023 09:54

Could you organise a bigger family meal for engagement/ birthday etc and see how she behaves then?

If it doesn’t go well then you will know not to invite her to the wedding and it will be clear why, based on her behaviour at the meal.

That way it would be clear why you’ve made your decision and hopefully minimise any family fallout as she would only have herself to blame!

On flip side, it may go better than expected and may reassure you about inviting her to the wedding.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 10:18

HappyDaisy2 · 02/04/2023 09:54

Could you organise a bigger family meal for engagement/ birthday etc and see how she behaves then?

If it doesn’t go well then you will know not to invite her to the wedding and it will be clear why, based on her behaviour at the meal.

That way it would be clear why you’ve made your decision and hopefully minimise any family fallout as she would only have herself to blame!

On flip side, it may go better than expected and may reassure you about inviting her to the wedding.

This is a really great suggestion and I think we will do this. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 13:08

@Hamburgerandchips that would be empowering to do

I think even after everything I do feel cautious that I don’t want to upset her that’s the only issue

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 16:06

Update: We can’t go abroad really as it’ll be complicated and expensive. I think that would’ve been a fab idea though. I think it really is invite all or no one sadly…

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 02/04/2023 16:15

A friend of mine got married on the London eye to restrict numbers (exp unwanted family)

Next time she puts your partner down, talks over him, etc, just say that you don't know why she dislikes him, or is so rude, but given that she is, neither of you want her at the wedding.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 16:24

ThinWomansBrain · 02/04/2023 16:15

A friend of mine got married on the London eye to restrict numbers (exp unwanted family)

Next time she puts your partner down, talks over him, etc, just say that you don't know why she dislikes him, or is so rude, but given that she is, neither of you want her at the wedding.

London eye is an excellent plan

OP posts:
Favouritefruits · 02/04/2023 16:36

I’d invite her, sit her at the back and just try and ignore all day, be the better person it must be hard for your parents don’t make them pick sides. Will your sister decline the invite?

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 16:40

Favouritefruits · 02/04/2023 16:36

I’d invite her, sit her at the back and just try and ignore all day, be the better person it must be hard for your parents don’t make them pick sides. Will your sister decline the invite?

No she’d definitely not decline

It is hard for them but she manipulates them too and they are aware of this

OP posts:
2023forme · 02/04/2023 16:47

MadMadMadamMim · 01/04/2023 19:31

If I could give you any advice it would be to cut her out your life now.

I left it til almost 60 to decide I could no longer cope with my sister and how shitty she made me feel all the time. She sounds very like yours.

I wish I'd done it 40 years ago - I'd have been far happier, and she wouldn't have ruined my wedding day, the birth of my children, my 'big' birthdays and basically every other family occasion that should have been special.

This!!

This is more than the wedding OP. She’s abusive towards you and your DH. I get it when you say you are socially awkward and she is able to twist things and intimidate you. But think of this as your chance to stop her bullying you! she has way too much power over you.

IMHO, you’ve got these options;

  1. tell her upfront you are not inviting her because she makes you feel unhappy and you feel she doesn’t approve of your choice in life partner therefore don’t think it’s appropriate to have her at a celebration of your future lives together
  2. go away and get married and have a party after - we did this and it was all fantastic - if its “just” a party and not the wedding itself, you will hopefully feel less stressed over her behaviour
  3. invite her and stay as far away from her as you can

bottom line is she is likely to make things unpleasant no matter what option you chose, as that’s her raison d’etre. I hope whatever you choose, you get support from the rest of your family. Stuff like this is so tough 💐

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 02/04/2023 16:50

Obviously who you invite is up to you, but not inviting a sibling will probably draw in line in the sand for your relationship. Which you may well be happy about, of course.

While I've never been close with my eldest sister, we've not had big arguments and I've always been kind, or at least so I thought. Not being invited to her wedding really reframed that relationship for me, and I certainly reduced my efforts to accommodate her, which means we're super low contact. Our parents aren't alive any more, but I think it might have been really tricky for them if they were.

All of this may be quite desirable for you though Grin

TeaDrinker247 · 02/04/2023 16:57

Is she a timely person? Could you arrange a ‘gathering’ at yours for a time with transport and if she’s late then she’s missed it. Not your fault.

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2023 17:00

howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 08:32

@Hadalifeonce they would understand but my parents in particular are keen for everyone else to be ‘the bigger person’ and rise above her behaviour, they’re very sad about the fact they can’t celebrate happy occasions with everyone in one room already so I think the only way of not having her there and also not upsetting them would be to elope, which they’ve actually suggested we do anyway. So hard people pleasing!

Your parents would be ok missing your wedding so as not to cause ructions?

Well...

merryhouse · 02/04/2023 17:21

"You don't love me as much as I love you"
"Well obviously not sweetie, I'm delightfully lovable"

Schnooze · 02/04/2023 17:31

I think I’d just invite parents and apologise profusely to the other nice siblings. Or perhaps dh could ask your dh to be his best man or something.

fruitbrewhaha · 02/04/2023 18:10

Why is everyone enabling and pussyfooting around you sister? Do you think she is worrying about upsetting anyone? Has she started a thread about how she should behave? No, because she doesn’t give a shit. She has you all in the palm of her hand excusing all her nastiness.

Don’t invite her and tell her why. Have concrete examples of what she has said and done ie blocking you on SM.

You need to call out your parents too. They would rather you, your dp, his family and all your friends miss out on a wedding so as not to upset her. Fuck that. If I was your dp I’d be furious that you let her be rude and let her fuck up what should be your special day.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 02/04/2023 19:04

Nanny0gg · 02/04/2023 17:00

Your parents would be ok missing your wedding so as not to cause ructions?

Well...

Show quote history

No they just said they would support eloping from the get go since they knew we didn’t really want a big fuss anyway

OP posts: