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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to get away with not inviting them?

100 replies

howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 16:44

Planning my wedding and having trouble deciding what to do. It’s my sister, I cannot not invite her and her children and husband as she would cause a shit storm (very subtly)

However, I really don’t want her there. She has put me through hell and it’s only in the past year that people have started to see it. It’s clear she can’t abide my husband to be, he doesn’t like her either because of how she’s treated me but he will at least be civil be civil. On the other hand she’s been passive aggressive and hostile since the moment I introduced him and talks over him or pretends he is not there. She thinks she is above everyone else and is very unhappy when she is not the focus of conversation. I feel intimidated by her as I am a bit socially awkward and she definitely has the upper hand and is expert at social tactics and reading people’s insecurities and playing on them

Needless to say don’t want her there it wouldn’t feel very nice for the pair of us but can’t see a way of not inviting her unless we marry just the two of us. We can’t invite our parents and one sibling but not the other without inducing WW3. If she was left out I do truly believe it would cause us angst in the future but then if we elope we don’t have the opportunity to have lovely family members there with us.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 01/04/2023 18:21

Could you manufacture a massive fall out with her just before the wedding? Then make it up slowly after?

Or decide that actually you don’t like each other and you can’t be arsed to play happy families, so don’t invite her and have the fallout. That way you can live the rest of your life how you want.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 18:21

@NemoandDoris nope he enables her and in some ways is similar, not as directly unkind just very passive and bystander-ish. Takes her word for gospel. As you should in a partnership but to an extreme extent

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 01/04/2023 18:22

Get married abroad and hope she can't come

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 18:23

My brother would understand if we didn’t invite siblings at all, btw. I think/hope!

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2023 18:27

She sounds like a bully but can understand why you’d fell awkward NOT inviting her. Do you have any friends/family who could have your back in the run up and on the day? So every time she upset you, you tell your friends/family then somehow put it to the back of your mind, and get on enjoying yourself?

I think if you can’t do this then I would not invite her.

Hamburgerandchips · 01/04/2023 18:27

I think it would be worth the fallout so that you can have lovely relaxed wedding day not stressing about her. And actually telling her she's not invited might be quite empowering for you and she'll know you're prepared to stand up for yourself, could bode well for future interactions with her?

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2023 18:29

I do actually think your best revenge for your horrible sister would be to have a wonderful wedding and let her see that. If she says anything to you, smile broadly, say “that’s nice” and walk away.

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 18:32

i do think you need to practice standing up to her. When she's being mean in private - walk away. Or start filming her. Or this will go on forever and won't stop just because she doesn't get an invitation to your wedding.

hellsbells99 · 01/04/2023 18:32

Wait until you know she is going away on holiday and then arrange a last minute small wedding for when she is away

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/04/2023 18:34

You could pick a date they are on holiday. Or go for a really small, close family event and keep it secret. I know someone who just invited everyone to a BBQ one afternoon and when people arrived discovered it was their wedding reception.

Do something like this, then have less to do with her. Life's too short. You'll never get to the bottom of it and it would be painful trying. Spare yourself the angst and keep it to the people who'll be glad you and your husband-to-be are marrying.

Honeyroar · 01/04/2023 18:37

You either have a huge wedding and sit her well away from you. Or have a tiny, last minute wedding and hope she can’t come!

I was dreading my brother and his girlfriend coming to my wedding. He didn’t turn up to the ceremony, and phoned an hour later to say he’d broken down. I was in the middle of a hair style drama and was probably a bit sharp with him on the phone, so he flounced and didn’t come at all. It was a huge relief!

Samsungwasher · 01/04/2023 18:42

I would not invite her. I would put broadly in these terms - Sister it's obvious you don't like DP because of the way you act around him and are openly rude to him. So I'm assuming you won't want to come to the wedding, and to be honest I think that the way you always are around him would really put a damper on things.

Gingergirl70 · 01/04/2023 18:44

I think it's awful you have to consider not having the wedding you want or feel you have to not invite your brother just because of one spiteful person.
I'd like to say just invite her and then try stay as low contact as possible, don't involve her in weddings plans etc, but it sounds like she'd be the type of person who'd want to go wedding dress shopping with you, have an opinion (and criticism) of every choice you make from the flowers to the cake, want to plan hen celebrations, all the while undermining your decisions and confidence. I feel for you, honestly. I hope whatever decision you make, you have the special, wonderful day you deserve 💐

gogohmm · 01/04/2023 18:54

Personally I would suggest inviting her but only as a standard guest (so invitation quite close to the date, you could get lucky and she's busy!) and don't involve her in any extra elements. Think of it as ensuring that you dont become the bad guy. On the day you will be too busy to spend time with her anyway

Brefugee · 01/04/2023 18:56

Seriously OP - it is not a binary choice between the wedding you really want and have shitty-sister there or have a tiny wedding with nearly nobody there in case she finds out.
She is not the boss of you. Have the wedding you want and don't invite her.

LizzieSiddal · 01/04/2023 19:26

Gingergirl70 · Today 18:44
I think it's awful you have to consider not having the wedding you want or feel you have to not invite your brother just because of one spiteful person.

I agree but plenty of people do it. I did it with my mum, (estranged) but I knew if I didn’t invite her the repercussions would go on for years. Dh, my dad and my sisters had my back and they really protected me. I had a fantastic day.

MadMadMadamMim · 01/04/2023 19:31

If I could give you any advice it would be to cut her out your life now.

I left it til almost 60 to decide I could no longer cope with my sister and how shitty she made me feel all the time. She sounds very like yours.

I wish I'd done it 40 years ago - I'd have been far happier, and she wouldn't have ruined my wedding day, the birth of my children, my 'big' birthdays and basically every other family occasion that should have been special.

burnoutbabe · 01/04/2023 19:40

Maybe have a test the waters party -for your engagement? See if she is rude and nasty then in front of your family. If yes, it's then understandable if you don't invite her.

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 19:56

burnoutbabe · 01/04/2023 19:40

Maybe have a test the waters party -for your engagement? See if she is rude and nasty then in front of your family. If yes, it's then understandable if you don't invite her.

Really good plan!

OP posts:
Namechange224422 · 01/04/2023 20:07

Could you think about a wedding abroad somewhere really expensive with just parents? Or parents and dh’s siblings?

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 20:29

Namechange224422 · 01/04/2023 20:07

Could you think about a wedding abroad somewhere really expensive with just parents? Or parents and dh’s siblings?

This is an option. I think I’m worried that underneath it all there could be an undiagnosed personality disorder or MH issue and that’s why she has acted the way she has, I’d feel so cruel thinking she felt hurt or left out. I think maybe I’m being too generous there though as my friend pointed out..

OP posts:
jellybeanteaparty · 01/04/2023 20:36

I think any invited go out on social media (on the one she has blocked) such a shame she blocked it and therefore didn't see the invite

Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 21:09

@Samsungwasher thank you, that’s a good way of putting it I think I may say that

OP posts:
Original poster
howcanIdothiss · 01/04/2023 22:32

Thank you everyone just read through all the comments and do really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Gingergirl70 · 01/04/2023 22:41

Good luck, OP 💐