Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you liked a lot of time to yourself before kids, how did you adjust to being a Mum?

80 replies

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 22:30

Did it come naturally because they were your own child?

I have such deep longing to become a parent, but have fertility issues. I wonder if that's nature's way of telling me I should definitely not pursue it via ivf etc because I do enjoy a lot of time to myself, alone with my thoughts, writing or watching tv or whatever.

But there must be loads of women who liked a lot of time to themselves, and then went on to very happy motherhood?

I am not completely antisocial I do like seeing friends and chatting with acquaintances but of course that's completely different!

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 31/03/2023 22:32

I struggle. You get no time quality time to yourself, the only time I have is in the evenings when I'm too shattered to do anything.

I wouldn't change my kids for the world, but I've found parenting very hard due to my need of personal space and time

Newname221 · 31/03/2023 22:34

Personally I found it fine.

I get every evening to myself and then in the morning I’m up before kids.

I also work and I have a 1h each way commute so that’s more me time.

We have childcare for weekends when required. Sometimes we use it one day each weekend for a month; sometimes we don’t use it for months on end. But our kids love going to their grandparents so all good.

mynameiscalypso · 31/03/2023 22:35

I need a lot of time to myself. I found baby days quite easy - I spent a lot of time snuggling baby on the sofa or going for solo walks. It's a bit harder now DS is 3.5 and doesn't nap but he's also in nursery 4 days a week and goes to bed at a reasonable time so my evenings are my own. He's also starting to play more independently or just occasionally need me for something so it's not unusual for me to be able to sit there and read a book while he potters.

Original poster
Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 22:35

@EmmaDilemma5 Do you think it will get easier as they get older maybe?

OP posts:
Tumbleweed101 · 31/03/2023 22:36

I liked reading, writing and solitary time prior to having children. It is a big adjustment but you need to remind yourself it isn't forever and your love for the children is something new when you have your first child. During the toddler years I made sure I added 'quiet time' into the day. It started as their nap times but morphed into them playing quietly for an hour or so in their room .

I found going back to work full time the harder adjustment as no longer got writing/reading time after work and the family needs.

JMSA · 31/03/2023 22:36

With difficulty. As for it getting easier, hmm, in some ways yes and in some ways no. I'm finding the teenage years the toughest yet!

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/03/2023 22:37

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 22:35

@EmmaDilemma5 Do you think it will get easier as they get older maybe?

I would imagine so. I do find it easier the older they get.

Curiosity101 · 31/03/2023 22:39

Honestly... Not well. I didn't realise how much I needed my alone time to function as a normal person.

I managed fine with 1 child, me and DH balanced him between us really well and actually that was super manageable. But 2... Wow, 2 has been a very very clear limit for me. I don't regret having them and I absolutely love them dearly. But I'm finding these early years gruelling because they need so much from me all the time. I give it to them - but once I threw returning to full time work into the mix after I returned to work 😬. I've already had time off work for stress/burnout. Recently I've taken to just sitting in our room in the quiet after the kids are in bed cause I just don't want to engage with anything, I want to be alone.

Once they're older, maybe 3+5 or 4+6, I expect it will even back out again.

My advice. Make sure you're partner is a good egg and willing to do his share. And try not to let too many default parent situations pop up (I found exclusively breastfeeding really tough going as you're solely responsible for feeding the baby). Then try to keep dedicated time for yourself once a week. You might not feel like using it for anything exciting in the early days if/when you have a baby, but you'll be glad you have it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to pursue. 💚

Mythril · 31/03/2023 22:53

I "adjust" with antidepressants.

I find it really, really hard and regret having kids. I know I'd be a happier person if I hadn't had them. I've been antidepressants 4 years now.

mondaytosunday · 31/03/2023 22:53

I didn't have kids til my 40s and found it a really hard adjustment. I resented how much of my life they took - they were good sleepers and well behaved but like most kids full on. I discovered I am not what I would call a natural mother. I found it at times dull, and a never ending round of cleaning and cooking. But I went to every sports day, every performance, every parents evening, every match (my husband passed away suddenly when my youngest started school).
Teenagedom is a whole new kind of parenting. The psychological toll is immense. Worry and care of young kids is mainly physical. From secondary age on it is far more difficult. But, you do get more of yourself back.
So, would I do it again? In a heartbeat. My kids are my life. But I also have a life outside of my kids. You will have to work hard to retain yourself and not become identified solely as X's mom. Staying in paid work will help.

Inmyonesie · 31/03/2023 22:55

I spend a lot of time on the kitchen or toilet hiding (only half joking). I need a lot of time to myself, and with 3 kids and a number of pets it’s very difficult. I do get overwhelmed by it a lot. My husband is understanding and doesn’t mind if I take myself off for a bit. I definitely have found it gets easier as they get older, although dd11 now watches tv with us in the evening, when previously she was in bed, but she is less demanding with my time in the day. Don’t let it put you off having kids, and good luck!

Hiddenvoice · 31/03/2023 22:58

I really enjoy time to myself as well. I am not anti social but I am happy in my own company. Since becoming a mum I’ve found it really difficult to adjust to that part. I don’t have the freedom to just sit at peace or before If I felt like going a drive then I could but now I’m thinking of feeding times and if they fall asleep in the car.
it is definitely an adjustment. Your life completely changes once you have a child. My chill time is now when my baby goes to bed but most nights I’m too exhausted to do anything. I’m hoping as they get older it will get easier. I love being a mum, love spending time with my baby but do find I miss the old me sometimes as I don’t feel like the same person anymore.

tourdefrance · 31/03/2023 23:00

I’m an introvert and it is hard. For me, work and the commute gives me some space although I think my threshold for number of meetings per day is lower because I know I won’t get peace and quiet at home.
As pp says, having a partner who does his (or her) share is crucial. As is maintaining life outside of the house.

Butterwicky · 31/03/2023 23:02

Honestly it's been difficult. Definitely easier as they get older but I found it very difficult in the toddler years and I don't think I'm a great parent because of it - I find myself mentally checking out a lot because my brain is just over stimulated. I am probably neurodiverse and so are my DC (diagnosed) so that contributes.

Oysterbabe · 31/03/2023 23:04

I have found it hard. I find it easier now that they are both school age, as I decided to stick at working 4 days a week, so have one day alone each week to relax.

RampantIvy · 31/03/2023 23:06

With difficulty and resentment in all honesty.

Noicant · 31/03/2023 23:07

I haven’t adjusted well tbh. I do my best and love my DD but I often feel suffocated. I assume it will get easier as she gets older.

QueenCamilla · 31/03/2023 23:08

I found it incredibly difficult. Maybe particularly so as my alone time is usually spent on projects of all sorts. I can't easily snap out of say...building a retaining wall in the garden or visiting every antiques shop in the county to find THE perfect rounded but not too circular dark-ish bobbin legged 1920s coffee table. In those moments I really wish someone would "just take the kid"!

I tried desperately to keep all the plates spinning. I just don't get much satisfaction from the role of mothering in itself.
I also became very nocturnal to carve out time for myself.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/03/2023 23:08

but have fertility issues. I wonder if that's nature's way of telling me I should definitely not pursue it Absolutely no correlation. I conceive very easily, and I am] not motherhood material. I found the early years very hard.

They do get better as they get older. 8 or 9 and they're interested in absolutely everything, teenage years and it's lovely to see them developing their own opinions.

Noicant · 31/03/2023 23:11

Oh yes, I am hassled by a toddler to get out of bed between 5:30-6 every morning yet I cling onto staying awake as long as possible at night because I can read the newspaper in peace. I’m permanently tired.

Original poster
Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 23:13

Is the flipside of this that extroverts find this part easier when they become a mum? I mean obviously they will still get the physical exhaustion and the relentlessness of it all, but do they not get the emotional exhaustion from constantly being around another person in a very intense way as you have to when you're responsible for meeting a child's every need.

Maybe extroverts have an advantage in that respect? Can't believe I didn't think of it in those terms before tbh.

OP posts:
summerfinn · 31/03/2023 23:14

If your an introvert and like quiet time having kids is hard. I take myself off to bed at 7 every evening after youngest goes to bed and watch tv alone, until DP joins me. It's the only thing that saves me. I also think I'm undiagnosed autistic. So I get overstimulated easily

loopyloutoo · 31/03/2023 23:16

I've struggled big time and I am also an introvert. My get out is that my partner is very hands on and I escape to nail or hair appointments or to a bath. But it's all consuming sometimes

tinkerbellvspredator · 31/03/2023 23:17

I don't find it super hard and am glad I have the kids, but recognise what others have said. I liked the pottering around with a small baby stage. Was happy with going back to work and getting some space as they started getting more demanding. Now I work 4 days and they're at school I love the day to myself and couldn't imagine going back to full time even though I'd be WFH and could do with the money.
We always used to have a lie in day each. Sometimes I'd end up reading in bed and basically spending most of the day away from them all. Going to the supermarket on my own and staying in the cafe for a while used to be bliss. It's easier now they're older and going to Tesco isn't a treat anymore!

owiz · 31/03/2023 23:19

It's a struggle in the early years when they need so much of your time, but this is temporary and one thing I have discovered as a parent is that there is no one way to be a good parent; you do not need to be a SAHM, making play dough, wiping every tear to be a good mother. Good mothers come in all shapes and sizes and despite the fact I am a mum who knows my boundaries, has ambitions outside of my family etc etc I am a good mum, my kids are lucky to have me. I've found a way that balances everything in my life that allows for my happiness too, I deserve to be a parent, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, you can balance parenthood and your own wishes, I would argue that for many children this is a more balanced and healthier approach anyway.