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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you liked a lot of time to yourself before kids, how did you adjust to being a Mum?

80 replies

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 22:30

Did it come naturally because they were your own child?

I have such deep longing to become a parent, but have fertility issues. I wonder if that's nature's way of telling me I should definitely not pursue it via ivf etc because I do enjoy a lot of time to myself, alone with my thoughts, writing or watching tv or whatever.

But there must be loads of women who liked a lot of time to themselves, and then went on to very happy motherhood?

I am not completely antisocial I do like seeing friends and chatting with acquaintances but of course that's completely different!

OP posts:
Newname221 · 31/03/2023 23:20

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 23:13

Is the flipside of this that extroverts find this part easier when they become a mum? I mean obviously they will still get the physical exhaustion and the relentlessness of it all, but do they not get the emotional exhaustion from constantly being around another person in a very intense way as you have to when you're responsible for meeting a child's every need.

Maybe extroverts have an advantage in that respect? Can't believe I didn't think of it in those terms before tbh.

You don’t need to be responsible for every one of the babies needs. If your partner is decent; they’ll do their share.

evtheria · 31/03/2023 23:21

It's been difficult.

Oddly, one of the hard things is that I find myself conflicted, whereas pre-child it was very simple: I'd want to be alone: I'd be alone, wonderful, I'm happy. Now: I still need my own space, or to be on my own for a long amount of time... but simultaneously I also feel the desire to be with my child, the fear I only have so much time before they are never home or hate to hang out with me, and so I am never 100% satisfied in either situation.

I'm still working on it.

Gremlins101 · 31/03/2023 23:25

Just have one. Everything can be managed with one much more easily. Hobbies, alone time, childcare. Everything :)
That's my opinion anyway and maybe others will think differently.
Good luck with your journey towards being a mum 💕

Sweenytoddler · 31/03/2023 23:26

I've found it very hard and the covid year's with young children were torture.

My children were poor sleepers (eldest a poor napped too) which made the biggest difference. Both had periods where they woke for the day at 4am. No grandparents to help with any childcare.

It's so much better now they are both in school, although I feel very exposed with the constant school events and opening up the house for playdates as a natural introvert.

Newname221 · 31/03/2023 23:29

Gremlins101 · 31/03/2023 23:25

Just have one. Everything can be managed with one much more easily. Hobbies, alone time, childcare. Everything :)
That's my opinion anyway and maybe others will think differently.
Good luck with your journey towards being a mum 💕

I kinda agree, but a big age gap works equally well. Mine are nearly 7 years apart; I can drop the elder one places and then get the toddler to sleep and it’s fine.

AlltheFs · 31/03/2023 23:36

I’m a massive introvert but I love being with DD. I find it just like being alone weirdly-like she isn’t separate from me. That probably makes no sense.

I still find other people exhausting, but not DD. I’m not saying it’s easy being a parent. But I’m not struggling with that part at all.

I do work though, 4 days and she goes to nursery. So I’m more than just mummy. I am still me.

The only bit I struggle with is my horse, I used to get whole days to myself with her lost in my own head. That’s gone, I’m in a rush or have DD with me. But that’s the only challenge.

I don’t work Monday’s, I spend the day with DD and we just do our thing, and it’s just like a day to myself but with more Playdoh etc

notangelinajolie · 31/03/2023 23:38

I think you get plenty of time to yourself once they are at school. And once they’ve gone to bed you have that time too. I used to like getting up really early in the morning and making myself a brew and sitting quietly until the alarm clock went off.

loveheartdress · 31/03/2023 23:42

mondaytosunday · 31/03/2023 22:53

I didn't have kids til my 40s and found it a really hard adjustment. I resented how much of my life they took - they were good sleepers and well behaved but like most kids full on. I discovered I am not what I would call a natural mother. I found it at times dull, and a never ending round of cleaning and cooking. But I went to every sports day, every performance, every parents evening, every match (my husband passed away suddenly when my youngest started school).
Teenagedom is a whole new kind of parenting. The psychological toll is immense. Worry and care of young kids is mainly physical. From secondary age on it is far more difficult. But, you do get more of yourself back.
So, would I do it again? In a heartbeat. My kids are my life. But I also have a life outside of my kids. You will have to work hard to retain yourself and not become identified solely as X's mom. Staying in paid work will help.

Totally totally agree

rebekahnorris · 31/03/2023 23:42

End up going up to bed at midnight to get my me time in

rebekahnorris · 31/03/2023 23:45

evtheria · 31/03/2023 23:21

It's been difficult.

Oddly, one of the hard things is that I find myself conflicted, whereas pre-child it was very simple: I'd want to be alone: I'd be alone, wonderful, I'm happy. Now: I still need my own space, or to be on my own for a long amount of time... but simultaneously I also feel the desire to be with my child, the fear I only have so much time before they are never home or hate to hang out with me, and so I am never 100% satisfied in either situation.

I'm still working on it.

This!!!!!!

Original poster
Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 23:46

It is really interesting reading how people experience this, what it is like.

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 31/03/2023 23:51

Your own children don't count like other people, especially as they get older. Family doesn't need a performance and you can say I need to be alone for 30 mins don't talk to me. Hormones deal with the early years then you have to try and make them stay in their rooms from bedtime even if not asleep. Once they are 10 or 11 they want to be on the gaming things or busy anyway tbh!

BreviloquentBastard · 31/03/2023 23:54

I HATED it. I had my daughter very young and suddenly my whole life was about her. I was very cross and resentful and didn't cope well. I was lucky to have an amazing family around me to help me and guide me (and take her off me when I was touched out and exhausted and needed to go sit in a dark room listening to sad music on my own).

She's a teenager now and is blessedly a hermit like me. She happily spends hours in her own company crafting, reading, playing videogames, whatever else teenagers do... So I finally, at 32, have my space and alone time back. It's been a lot easier since she was 7 or so and started properly developing her marvellous "go away mum I'm reading" personality. But when she was little and wanted my time and attention 24/7 I really didn't do very well.

Nothing on this earth could make me have another baby now, honestly. I love her to death and I'm so glad she's turned out ok despite my many, many failures... But never again.

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 31/03/2023 23:54

AlltheFs · Today 23:36
I’m a massive introvert but I love being with DD. I find it just like being alone weirdly-like she isn’t separate from me. That probably makes no sense.

I still find other people exhausting, but not DD. I’m not saying it’s easy being a parent. But I’m not struggling with that part at all.

I do work though, 4 days and she goes to nursery. So I’m more than just mummy. I am still me.

This is me. I work 4 days which gives me my alone time. My weekday off is totally mine. My husband also does at least half of the childcare which means I sometimes get home to an empty house briefly. It just doesn’t feel like “people”. They really make me happy, I didn’t think I’d ever want to be around anyone this much.

WildAloofRebel · 31/03/2023 23:57

DH sets his own hours and we’ve found 6am-3pm to be ideal. He can see the kids after school and I get chance to sit upstairs alone for a bit.

Sitting on the loo/folding laundry/standing in the kitchen doesn’t count as alone time IME as it’s not restorative in the slightest and my mind stays on the kids/house.

I did a lot of watercolours for a couple of years which was great as you get into flow state. Now I’m onto crochet for the same reason.

Basically in an ideal world - good partner, flexible or no job, and perfect weather so a nice walk is fun.

JudgeRudy · 31/03/2023 23:58

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 22:30

Did it come naturally because they were your own child?

I have such deep longing to become a parent, but have fertility issues. I wonder if that's nature's way of telling me I should definitely not pursue it via ivf etc because I do enjoy a lot of time to myself, alone with my thoughts, writing or watching tv or whatever.

But there must be loads of women who liked a lot of time to themselves, and then went on to very happy motherhood?

I am not completely antisocial I do like seeing friends and chatting with acquaintances but of course that's completely different!

I felt smothered at times. I'm no longer with my children's father (that was short lived) but in fairness I've often felt like this in relationships when it's just me and 1 other, even if theyre not bothering me. I get it with pets too. I don't much like being touched but
I managed to breast feed my first (back at work full time with second at 4 weeks) so was tactile, but she didn't sleep in our bedroom....from day 1.
If I was young and doing it all again I'd like to know there was a 'protected' time when I had the house to myself, even if it was once a fortnight. It really wasn't about the child care, it was having my own space to recharge or decompress. Its often mistaken for wanting a break, but it's the opposite. I want you lot go take a break from me. Leeeeeave!
But I managed and my kids seem to love me.

Marchsnowstorms · 31/03/2023 23:59

EmmaDilemma5 · 31/03/2023 22:32

I struggle. You get no time quality time to yourself, the only time I have is in the evenings when I'm too shattered to do anything.

I wouldn't change my kids for the world, but I've found parenting very hard due to my need of personal space and time

This. Every phase is hard too. Teens 11/14 are ace as the are self sufficient. But not always

Hardbackwriter · 01/04/2023 00:06

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 23:13

Is the flipside of this that extroverts find this part easier when they become a mum? I mean obviously they will still get the physical exhaustion and the relentlessness of it all, but do they not get the emotional exhaustion from constantly being around another person in a very intense way as you have to when you're responsible for meeting a child's every need.

Maybe extroverts have an advantage in that respect? Can't believe I didn't think of it in those terms before tbh.

I think you can have different challenges and advantages either way. A lot of people find early motherhood quite lonely - they might really struggle with the reduced social interaction of being on mat leave or at home longer-term compared to work. If going out with adults is your happy place then I'd say that that's harder to come by when you have little children (or at least more reliant on external factors to provide) than time quietly reading.

EmilyMayishere · 01/04/2023 00:06

With difficulty. And if your children are extroverts, with even more difficulty.

I'm dreaming about a week to myself, just on my own. One day...

Happyhappyday · 01/04/2023 00:19

DH struggles, not in the sense that he doesn’t pull his weight, but he’s got nothing left after bed time and just wants to sit quietly for 3 hours. Which isn’t brilliant for our relationship! I do ok, I just about got enough while dd was still napping, but am finding I have to work a lot harder to not feel guilty about taking some time now she’s not. She sleeps a lot too and is pretty independent. I don’t know how either of us would’ve coped with a kid who stopped napping at 18 months and got up at 5am.

DarlingG · 01/04/2023 00:24

sorry about your struggles. I thought the same but I seem to have got a really easy baby and now toddler. He sleeps all night every night so as soon as he’s in bed I go for my long bath that I always went for pre-baby. This afternoon he also napped for over 3 hours 🙈 I think of course people have a right to know how hard parenting can be but I do also think painting it in a bad light at all times doesn’t reflect some people’s experience at all. I wouldn’t say I’ve found it ‘easy’ but day to day I don’t find it hard at all (that’s not to say people don’t have it much worse than me, I’ve just been really lucky)!

Neolara · 01/04/2023 00:25

They sorr of felt like an extension of me, so it was fine. I adored hanging out with them.

Gremlins101 · 01/04/2023 00:26

Teaandcaaaaake · 31/03/2023 23:13

Is the flipside of this that extroverts find this part easier when they become a mum? I mean obviously they will still get the physical exhaustion and the relentlessness of it all, but do they not get the emotional exhaustion from constantly being around another person in a very intense way as you have to when you're responsible for meeting a child's every need.

Maybe extroverts have an advantage in that respect? Can't believe I didn't think of it in those terms before tbh.

I'm fairly extroverted. I felt like i found my calling when becoming a parent (unplanned). I thought the second (2 year gap) would be easy too (what an idiot, i know). It has been equally amazing but a million times more exhausting to just be needed constantly 20 odd hours a day by one person or another, probably the first time in my life I've felt emotionally/socially exhausted. Going back to work has helped, as has lowering my expectations of being a super fun mum. But yes, I do enjoy the 'chaos' of it all. My introverted DP finds it much more overwhelming.

soberfabulous · 01/04/2023 00:40

I find this very very difficult. I work full time too.

I have occasionally taken a holiday alone each year (4/5 nights) but the guilt and societal expectations eat me up.

Circe7 · 01/04/2023 00:49

I have found age 2 to 3 hard but find babies quite easy in comparison. They don't need so much of your mental energy. You can put them in a sling and go for a walk etc. whereas the toddler needs constant attention and I feel guilty if I'm not engaging with him enough. There are days where I feel like my children are sapping my mental energy until there's nothing left and they still want more. The thing I miss most is being able to go for a walk or run alone.

But I'm not sure whether extroverts would cope much better. Being with a toddler who is constantly demanding stuff from you, tantrumming etc. is not going to recharge your batteries. Extroverts probably need time with friends which is harder to come by once you have young children - I spend quite a lot of time with other mums at playgroups etc. but it can be hard to have meaningful conversations with a toddler clinging to your leg shouting "mummy play with me" or trying to steal another child's toy.

I also have lovely moments with my toddler and when he's in a good mood and has my full attention it's mostly fine. Being with your own children isn't really like being with other people.

I am a single parent which is harder in some ways because I get no space from the children at all during the day and basically no time where I'm not responsible for them but I do get evenings to myself once they're in bed. I found it very hard to give enough to my relationship with my husband and to my children (albeit that ex didn't pull his weight at all).

If you've got a supportive partner (or supportive family) you should be able to make sure you get child free time to yourself. Probably something to discuss expectations about in advance.

(Modern parents (myself included) probably over engage with their children and there's a school of thought that it's very beneficial for children to spend time playing alone without a lot of adult intervention from quite a young age. It's a skill which can be taught, though I'm not currently doing well at this. I think the constant interaction and entertainment which a lot of parents now feel they must provide can be very draining but probably isn't necessary / desirable).