If you liked a lot of time to yourself before kids, how did you adjust to being a Mum?

[Teaandcaaaaake]

Did it come naturally because they were your own child?

I have such deep longing to become a parent, but have fertility issues. I wonder if that's nature's way of telling me I should definitely not pursue it via ivf etc because I do enjoy a lot of time to myself, alone with my thoughts, writing or watching tv or whatever.

But there must be loads of women who liked a lot of time to themselves, and then went on to very happy motherhood?

I am not completely antisocial I do like seeing friends and chatting with acquaintances but of course that's completely different!

Yes, it's tough. My kids are seven years apart, which is a great age gap IMO as their needs are different. Having two didn't feel as full-on as I expected, not much different from having one.

My children have quite different characters, with the result that I have found each of them tiring at a different age. DC1 was the greatest extravert you can imagine, from day one wanting constant interaction, which felt relentless to me. At least I could take them to the park and just detach while they chatted with other kids and adults to their heart's content for hours on end.

DC2 was a chilled, placid, easy young child who was content just to watch big sibling hare around with friends. The two of us used to sit in companionable silence, which was a great relief. She also played by herself when young, and did not have a great need of friends. As she got older, 8/9/10 years old, she became more sociable and wanted more from me. Now she is 16 and while she isn't as chatty as her sibling was, it's harder to get the alone time which I feel I need. She does now like to be with friends for a few hours a day if possible, so that provides a bit of a break for me.

Both were home educated and the younger one still is.

It changes all the time
Personally I found the baby time easiest - frankly there's always someone willing to hold a baby and I took full advantage of that. Toddler years I became incredibly overwhelmed with the physicality of it, the hugs were beautiful but I often got 'touched out' which was not so great for DH and I. Child and tween was easier, more independent but still young. We're now in the teenage years, they are both still very affectionate but also like their own space. Now the challenge for me is the late night chats, the best time to find out what's going on with your teen appears to be midnight which kills me but I wouldn't give it up.

I worried a lot about this but I find it strangely fine. What happens is you develop a new really cool hobby which is hanging out with your baby (mine is 5 months). I get evenings to myself (he's not a great sleeper but he does an evening stretch very well), and husband and I often tag team so one of us goes and has several hours' me-time by ourselves. Plus when baby is on his playmat etc it's easy to have a coffee and a bit of Mumsnet etc.

We either, or one of took our child along with us or one of us stayed home while the other went out or our child went to grandparents

I felt I had as much 'me' (I hate that expression myself though) as I needed because we just worked it out

I think babysitters are great but to be if I have to pay a babysitter and to go out it is a bit pointless reallly

I was expecting to find it really, really difficult, but with DS1 I was surprised at how manageable everything was from that perspective. It helps that he was (by 2) a good sleeper so evenings were free and I have a supportive DP who always made sure I had 45 minutes in a different room with a coffee. WFH helped too. I'm not sure if it's his innate personality or how he was brought up but he's also really enjoyed quiet things we do together (while DP plays madcap games and flings him in the air). So we snuggle on the sofa with books a lot, go out cycling together, build Lego etc. I'm quite good at all that. I find the imaginative play stuff incredibly draining so I'm glad that's not his main interest!

Now DS2 is here and it's clear that I'm not going to have the same amount of time! At the moment DS1 is finding it very hard and DS2 is exclusively breastfeeding so DP and I are swapping 1 on 1 time with each child as feeding allows, and my coffee is now in a thermal mug and often abandoned! I'm hoping it will calm when they're both older, but it is admittedly something I hadn't thought about. I think if I was being rational rather than feeling really strongly that I wanted a second child then 1 would make more sense.

Badly

But I devote literally every non work moment to them and assure myself when they're ten I can have my life back . This js a serious comment

I found it very very hard but worthwhile. It's constant even when they are with the other parent or at school or asleep the worry never stops. My DC took it personally when I wanted alone time and would stand at my closed door or try to interrupt any free time. I think if you have help such as a nanny, work in a relaxing job or can afford to stay home or work part time then you can recharge but if you're introverted and around people all day at work coming home and having to 'give' more of yourself is so hard.
Babies are really boring and cling to you physically, it's relentless. When they are older there are other needs and problems and different dangers. It's non fucking stop.

I find it fine, but even now with nearly teenage DC I have simplified my life massively

I used to be a culture vulture out seeing exhibitions and shows, would go to sporting events restaurants and see friends, now I am only out once or twice a month so as to have some time in the day for me after working and kids

But I had my DC when I was quite old, I met my DP late and he has turned out to be a good dad sharing parenting. I had moved not so long before as all my friends were settling down and I was single and getting lonely so it doesn't feel like a sacrifice at this stage of my life

I find it hard when I have no respite and am very tired. If we all sleep well and I have some help it’s fine, but if I get too run down i struggle. I stick like glue to a solid routine which means I get to make the most of downtime when he’s asleep. Even now at 14 months If we follow our routine I get around 3 hours a day to myself and the evenings as he has good naps! So that’s fine. I also really enjoy his company now he’s a bit older so that also helps. Best of luck to you. Xx

I have a child with Sen and getting time on your own is tough, When he was a baby he cried relentlessly only wanted me and didn't sleep. Dh worked full time and I worked part time and it was rough I never really got time to myself as I would go to bed at 8pm to get some sleep so I could manage the hourly wakes once dh went to bed. I had a breakdown when he was 2 (other factors as well) it got easier when he started school (apart from lockdown) as I work 2 days a week so have 3 days 9-3 to myself although I spend most of it cleaning, preparing food, walking dog I do at least get to go At own speed. I also changed job to a less stressful one. Holidays are another struggle, I use to see a holiday as a time to relax but now it's entertaining your child in a different environment. Luckily I do enjoy kid related activities- reading books, playing games, day trips out etc. how much parenting impacts really depends on your support system, do you have extended family wanting to help and also the needs of your child. Some kids are pretty chill and go with the flow others are very demanding. There's no guarantee.

My 'me time' this coming week has now be removed by toddler having chicken pox. I was so looking forward to a day to myself while toddler at nursery 😭

I used to have hobbies, 'me' time. Now I feel like I just exist. And I love 'popping out to get some milk'. That's my 'me' time - to the corner shop and back.

It's very true about the possibility that your child might have SEN. I don't think autism is diagnosed in the womb and the older you get the more likely the child has SEN (could be from the father's sperm or the woman, but older parents are more likely to have a child with SEN). Some children conceived with IVF have long term health issues. I don't think the infertility is nature saying you're not fit to be a parent, maybe biologically you might have something that needs help to have a child but it's no reflection on your value as a human or prediction of how well a parent you'd make... I know plenty of fertile arseholes that neglect their children but keep breeding like rabbits.

If you find life exhausting now it will be 10 times worse as you'll have bad sleep for so long and you can't control when your children will get ill. You don't just have your own emotional needs and problems, you start worrying and spending time on your children's emotional issues as well. It's very very draining.
I think try and get involved with family/friends children maybe babysitting for half a day regularly or something. It should feel exhausting and terrifying responsibility but some people just take it in their stride, I still find it hard.

Now DS2 is here and it's clear that I'm not going to have the same amount of time! At the moment DS1 is finding it very hard and DS2 is exclusively breastfeeding so DP and I are swapping 1 on 1 time with each child as feeding allows, and my coffee is now in a thermal mug and often abandoned! I'm hoping it will calm when they're both older, but it is admittedly something I hadn't thought about. I think if I was being rational rather than feeling really strongly that I wanted a second child then 1 would make more sense.

Although it does get easier on this front too (when they start being able to play together is a real game changer and an absolute joy, not just because it gives you more time but also because it's just so lovely) I think this is a really good point. Having more than one does have a big impact on the time alone for each parent. If you have one and one parent is doing something with them then the other one can be off doing their own thing; I find that with two because they both need one-one-one time with each parent that's diminished. Also with one then once they're old enough to be dropped off for parties, playdates etc then that's childfree time - with two the stars rarely align thus! Obviously this must all be even more so for more than two.

This was me. I'm also an only child so have always had lots of time to myself. I actually told DH yesterday it's the reason why I found going from 1-2 easier than 0-1. I was already used to having less time for me😅

Truth is you get used to it and as the kids get older, you get back some time. My husband is an equal parent, if he wasn't, I'd really struggle. But being a team means we make sure the other has showered and eaten but also gets time every now and again to themselves. My second is 9 weeks old and I got some time last weekend - it was just an hour, DH took both boys, and I locked myself in the bedroom and wrote my book. It was great having that hour to recharge.
I've also found whilst I have friends and love seeing them, I also need a lot of time for me but I also enjoy the time I spend with DH and the kids. Hikes, day trips to the zoo or whatever else still give me that same happy feeling I get when writing my book etc.

This is totally me. And I’ve surprisingly been fine. I actually found the baby stage fairly good as could read or watch tv while she slept or breastfeeding. Find it a bit harder now she is a toddler but think it will improve as she gets older. I wouldn’t want to have more children though, I think I would find that hard.

'Goodness of fit' between parent and child is important too.

My eldest has always been challenging - from birth onwards. High energy, little need for sleep and seeking out stimulation. At 2yo, she would be begging me to take her to the park from 6am, even on a cold, dark winters morning and be bouncing off the walls by 9am. Now she is asking me to phone her friends to come over from 6am onwards. She is exhausted and has shaped me as a parent. I'm a low energy introvert so not the best match. I know families where she would fit right in to their pace of life.

Youngest is calmer, more introvert and happy pottering around the house playing with dolls. I would have been a different parent if I only had her, although I admit, life would be less fun!

The fighting between children is very draining though to me.

You just turn into more of a taxi & counselling service.

I stopped at one, and I had her with a man that doesn’t expect me to be the default parent. I love her but my goodness it’s hard and we make sure the other one gets sufficient alone time. We can do that with one!

I mean, you just adjust to the new normal. When my child was a toddler, she used to come in to the toilet with me and that's when I realised that privacy and alone time was a thing of the past. She's 8 now and it has stayed hard, because she'll often follow me around, chatting to me. You just have to be patient and accept that me time is very rare. I've got used to it. A couple of times a year, I go into the closest city by bus and have a nice pint in a pub on my own, and then meet friends. That's my alone time! My husband is the same. I'm pregnant again but I feel like I know what's coming and it will be less of an adjustment. For me, the joy of having children is worth that sacrifice but I can't say it's not challenging and I don't speak for everyone.

When they get older their problems get bigger with them. I may not need to sit and feed them or comb their hair for them and do their laces but I have concerns about mental illness, sexualisation, peer pressure, their future, friendship drama, social media, bullying, drugs, body image.....it never ends it just evolves into a different challenge just when you've 'mastered' a life stage they move on to the next challenge.

With my first I found the shift incredibly hard, not just the lack of time but the overwhelming responsibility to put someone else first all the time. He also had adhd (diagnosed much later) and was absolutely exhausting. Grandparents were unwilling to look after him unless he was asleep! Work was my saviour and I relished my train commute as my quiet/relaxing/ reading time. By the time he was 5 I had adjusted and really enjoyed being a mum. I wish I'd relaxed into it earlier. Had our second and it's been an absolute pleasure. I'm fully adjusted now! I do take care to carve out time for myself to go gym, read, go out with friends and spend time with my husband. I also take odd days of annual leave when they are at nursery/school just so i can have the house to myself and potter. Hugely underrated! Once they are old enough to watch a bit of TV and play independently there are lots of opportunities. We also have a big house so I can usually find a quiet sanctuary when I need one. Absolutely no regrets. Card carrying introvert here!

I get massively stressed out without time alone and have to admit this has been one of the toughest challenges of parenthood, having time to just be alone with my thoughts. I don't think was as bad in the baby stage as though that's difficult in other ways (physical exhaustion, lack of sleep etc) I've found since my DS was about 2.5/3 onwards much harder because of all the questions, demands for attention, needing me to play with him/entertain him constantly, etc. My DS is bright as a button and while he can play independently he also needs a lot of attention and mental stimulation which I find exhausting if I haven't had proper time to recharge my batteries. Some evenings I'll just stay alone upstairs after he's asleep because I need peace and quiet with no-one talking to me but then that impacts on quality time with DH so it's a difficult balance to maintain. I find working helps (4 days a week) and take the odd day AL for myself when I feel like things are getting too much and go for a long walk, lunch alone, something like that. I do love being a parent though (DC2 due any day now!) and because my DH pulls his weight I do manage to get some me time but it is difficult.

I'm struggling. I've had about 2.5 hrs of me time in 3 months. My partner doesn't really help with childcare or housework, except he will hold the baby so I can eg clean the bathroom / do jobs where I can't go to the baby if she needs me. She doesn't like being put down to nap so any rare moment I'm not tending to her I'm having a quick shower and trying to get housework done. She doesn't sleep well at night. Last night I got 4 broken hours. I'm so exhausted some days I struggle to chat and smile. It got better for a bit but that didn't continue.

If you have a good sleeper and a useful partner / family members then your experience will be different. I saw someone from one of my baby groups outside a nice restaurant with her pram and a glass of wine the other day, as I was passing on my 2 hour trudge around town so DD could nap on the go. You might be one of the lucky ones.

For me it’s varied by age! I didn’t find having a baby draining from a people-perspective (although obviously it’s tiring in other ways!) as I had lots of chilled out time reading while baby napped on me or pootling through the shopping centre with my pram. They don’t feel like people at that age so much as very special pets (sorry kid) so I quite enjoyed that as an introvert.

Toddler years were tough, particularly because we went into lockdown right as DD turned two so we were locked in a small flat together pretty much 24/7. Constantly want to talk to you, play with you, bedtimes suddenly started being endless. I loved her but it was a lot!

Now she’s 5 and the last couple of years have been much easier. She’ll sometimes play alone and I can leave her in another room while I go and shower without worrying that she’ll swallow a Lego or something. They also start doing activities where you just drop and leave them which is great! So I know I have an hour of me-time every Saturday while she’s at dancing.

Just have one

Just - when it comes to a child?

I tell anyone who speaks of having a baby who are on the fence - don't fucking do it.