To ask what actually changed when you had a second child

[TravelDazzle]

Just that really. Partner and I are so undecided about having a second. We have a beautiful 4yr old at the moment and I keep swaying between wanting another and loving our little family of 3. Partner feels exactly the same. We've decided to think on it and make a decision early next year.

For background, I really struggled with my first and she is what you'd call a pretty 'easy' baby. I had undiagnosed PND and took years for me to seek treatment (but feel so much better now).

In the meantime, please can you tell me exactly what changed in your life after having a second child (prerably with a 4/5 year age gap). I feel I need honest feedback so my judgement isn't clouded by looking back at cute baby pictures.

Hopeful bump

I guess the biggest part is you go back to the beginning; so by 4 you’re coming out of sleep deprivation, living life by naps, and by 4 you can get some stuff done compared to with a baby and they don’t constantly need you (not as much as a baby anyway). I love having two but I do see that life is easier for people with one with money, babysitting, only having one child to attend to, work etc.

Sorry a better answer is that the time you have to yourself and for your partner decreases yet again and your levels of organisation double

I had my second 5 months ago, eldest had just turned 3 so a little younger than your DD. I really worried about the baby stage as I hated it last time but the biggest struggle for me was feeling guilty that I’d changed my DS’ life forever and he didn’t get a say in it. I loved DS2 instantly, I didn’t feel the shock I did with DS1 it was just like “oh hi you’re here!” so got over the guilt quite quickly. DS1 loves his brother and they already have a really lovely bond so I think that change was worth it. On a practical side, navigating two children & two lots of childcare once I’m at work and DS1 starts school will be a challenge, but everyone else manages it so I’m sure we will too. I loved being a family of 3, but I really love being a 4 and knowing my family is complete now. DS2 gets the benefit of a (slightly) less anxious mum even if he rarely gets the 1:1 time with me DS1 got.
Only you’ll know what’s right for your family, there’s pluses and minuses to either decision but personally I think the second baby was worth it for us 😊

I found juggling competing needs hard.

I think that age gap would be quite hard as they are likely to not have much in common but then your daughter might really love her role as big sister. I can't really comment on that age gap I've got 3 year 3day gap and it's been great everything is no doubt harder for a while but then it's so much easier in my opinion than having one. They really love each other, they can argue and fight sometimes too but on the whole they get on really well. They always have each other. So I feel like we are self contained and we can go out as a family to do things and know the boys always have each other to play with. We have a few friends with only children who seem to ask for one of our kids to go and play every weekend, whereas we prefer spending time as a family, which is difficult without both kids together. Its probably not usual but from the families I've seen with only children they do seem to do less as a family and more things on their own or mum and child and dad and child but maybe that's just because it's easier to do more things alone when you only have one child to think about. Its probably just me but I don't think I'd want to always have other kids over to play with my only as I generally find other peoples kids annoying!
I have a sister and although we didn't get on that well as kids I would have hated being an only as having her meant I was never alone or bored.

I think it's a little unfair to make these generalisations of only children. OP has one child, she doesnt need input on that. She wants your advice about having 2.

I said it was just the ones I have experience with who my son is friends with. Every person and family is different and influenced by so many different things. Age, wealth, sex etc etc

i had mine very close together and one thing that changed was i stopped carring a massive bag around with me with stuff for every eventuality and stuffed a small pack of wipes and 2 nappies of different sizes in my bag.

Practically, for us, not much, just a much smaller baby and a bigger not-quite-toddler. With a 4 year old i'd worry about broken nights and the older one not reacting well to having share parents. Also i would imagine going out for the day might be tough if the older one got tired and you only had a pram/buggy.

The good thing is: you are nowhere near as PFB with number 2.

Thank you all so much. I'll be sharing this thread with my partner so we can really mull everything over.

My first would make an absolutely amazing big sister. She is the most caring and sweet natured little girl and does keep asking me for a sister, which gives me pangs of guilt and panic (but also would she feels the same if she got a brother? Probably not!).

I have a terrible relationship with my sibling, so I think that comes into play, too. I don't want to have another child for this reason alone. It doesn't always work out.

I think if money were no object, I would 100% go for it. We aren't tight for money or space, but we are comfortable.

I feel nervous about the newborn phase given my PND history, but then I would do so many things differently (co sleeping for one) and feel maybe I'd be less of an anxious mess given I know what to look out for.

It's so hard to decide what to do!

I would say for me the second one wasn't a shock at all as someone says above. The first one was quite a shock to the system but with the second you know what you are doing so it was totally fine.

The thing I'd say I struggle with (we have an almost six year age gap ) is fitting stuff in without feeling guilty to one of them. For example my husband works long hours so if the eldest has an after school activity the youngest has to come too. Also trying to balance the different interests and needs. We are lucky in that they do kind of like doing the same stuff and they do actually play pretty well together at 4 and 10 but obviously the eldest can watch films the youngest can't and he can stay out later and has been to concerts and things that the youngest can't go to. We don't have any reliable, regular child care so often one will take the eldest and the other stay with the youngest. Overall though we are pleased we had a second although if I'm totally honest I wish we had had him sooner so the gap was less.

I was definitely much more laid back with my second. We coslept until he was 1, breastfed until he was 3. The biggest thing was that because I knew he was my last was I really made the most of him sleeping on me to just take time to relax and not do anything other than watch him sleep and box sets!

Thank you. The lack of child care (outside of weekday nursery/school) also plays on my mind. We have some help from grandparents but I don't know if two children to babysit would work for them which leaves my partner and I with no room to have dinner out or go away for a night alone (to a wedding for example). I love the fact that we are starting to get a bit of our lives back outside of being parents, and I'll admit, feel quite selfish, not quite wanting to go backwards.

My second pregnancy was twins. They are older teens now. I love having a bigger family and it’s really nice they have each other and get on ok most of the time. However meeting all 3 of their needs when they are different is hard work and they get significantly more expensive as they get older. Would I make same choice again? Yes for sure. But it’s been hard, and I wasn’t on the fence at the time. I actually think DC1 would have been just fine as an only. (I still feel the guilt.) If you are on the fence my advice would be hold off because it’s the certainty that it was the right thing to do that gets you through the hard bits. Good luck.

This is me with my 8 week old right now! He’s on my chest while binging crap TV!

For me having 2 has got harder as they've got older mainly because of the bickering and competition they seem to have with each other. I struggle with it a lot and often wonder if one would be so much easier!

I would say you will know one way or another in time. For me I was desperate for another, my husband would have been fine either way but loves having two now. I would say it's been lovely for my eldest to have someone to play with although he does get jealous sometimes. The youngest is fairly easy going and just gets on with stuff but he loves his big brother and wants to be just like him!

We had a 3.5 year gap.
0 to 1 was incredibly hard - nappies, feeding, stolen time, recovering from childbirth, adjusting to being a mother, the theft of self and privacy by a never ending trail of midwives through the house.

1 to 2 was an absolute breeze and 2 was the more difficult baby.

When ds was born I gazed at him as a tiny baby and thought what a miracle. When dd was born I gazed at both of them and thought wow she's a miracle and he's a miracle to have grown so big.

Obviously more to do in the same envelope of time but it was fine because I was better at doing it. The things we can do help: organisation, prioritisation, etc, but the biggest surprise was that a double scoop of love appeared and that oiled all the wheels.

One thing I still don't understand is how a tiny baby doubles if not triples the amount of washing.

This is why I have a two year age gap, I knew if I left it too long life would get too good and I’d not be able to go back to the start again!

I also had a rough time adjusting to having one baby, but number two was a breeze in comparison. I was just more confident, less anxious, didn’t overthink things, was much more able to go with the flow than with my first. It’s been really lovely to actually enjoy having a newborn the second time around. I also haven’t found it’s added loads of work, it’s just more of the same so far really. I think sibling bickering could be a challenge but we haven’t reached that stage yet.

There are hard moments trying to balance two lots of competing needs at once (potty training with an EBF newborn was a barrel of laughs). However I’m also less precious and controlling and more able to accept help this time, and my standards are way lower with both of them. I think overall I’m a better mum for having two.

I have two. I don't regret it. But it is more than double the work. For me the first year of having 2 was easy, ds2 was an easy baby and ds1 was a loving big brother. I have found the constant bickering as they get older really difficult! My two are 3 years apart, I do wonder if I would have found a bigger age gap more difficult, and they are less likely to play together or have similar interests. But remember the age gap becomes less significant as they get older.

If you want one, and your relationship is solid, then have another. If you're on the fence, then wait til you are certain.

Also practical things. Each child brings with it more expense - childcare, activities and so on. Another child to take time off work for if they're unwell etc - my two rarely get ill at the exact same time, usually one comes down with a bug and then by the time they're ok again the other one gets ill!

For the first months - A lot of guilt about DD no longer being the only child. I don’t think we’d ever spent a day apart before DS1 arrived.

A lot of hard work (though a much smaller age gap - 2 years between DD and DS1 and we didn’t have any childcare at all until DS1 was 5 months. DH was working away a lot too… it was intense!)

All difficulties counterbalanced by how much more love there was in the house.

Those two kids are now at primary school and have a younger preschool age brother. I’m so glad to have 3 but I always wanted a big family.

There’s a 5 year gap between DD and DS2 so trying to imagine what it would’ve been like if we hadn’t had DS1 - I think it would’ve been practically easier in ways as older child more self sufficient, but also more of a shock to the system.

It's strange you describe yourself as 'selfish' for enjoying life aside from being a parent – time with your husband, time for yourself etc - why is that selfish?

I have a 6.5 year gap between dc. I actually found going back to it easier as i was more relaxed than when i had my first. Ds was at school so we had a good routine and time with both. It is a shock not having sleep again but personally i felt more resilient and i had a good network of mum friends from elder dc. The age gap is significant at different ages, at first it was fine then with dc aged 10 and 16 it seemed huge but now dc are 16 and 22 it seems less again as they do things together. They are close snd always have been. As others have said different families have different experiences but for me it has worked.

5 years between our 2. The delay was largely because pregnancy didn't suit me and I struggled massively with PND and bonding with my eldest. I just didn't feel maternal at all for almost 2 years. It's not a fun place to be as a new mother!

I only agreed to try for 1 year when she was 4 because my husband really wanted another baby. Trying for a limited amount of time was my comprise...and I caught pretty much straight away!

The age gap can be tricky. I found my youngest being dragged all over so the eldest could do her activities because my husband and I both work full time so whoever had one child had both of them for activities.

Now I have a 10 year old and a 15 year old. They get on pretty well but the age gap is really telling. The 10 year old is old enough to understand when she's being snubbed and it really upsets her. Also finding activities that are suitable for them both is getting trickier so we're actually splintering off more as a family so they can both enjoy things. The youngest is also really put out that her eldest sister doesn't come to all her activities...like she had to. I have no resolution for that, I can't force a 15 year old to stand at the side of a football pitch in the pouring down rain at 9am on a Saturday morning!

It's not easy, but I'm so glad we had our youngest. I had none of the anxieties of my first and actually enjoyed those 2am snuggly feeds and her needing me almost exclusively (something I found almost intolerable with my eldest as a newborn). Without planning it, she fixed how I felt about being a mother and I think my relationship with my eldest improved as a result.