To ask what actually changed when you had a second child

[TravelDazzle]

Just that really. Partner and I are so undecided about having a second. We have a beautiful 4yr old at the moment and I keep swaying between wanting another and loving our little family of 3. Partner feels exactly the same. We've decided to think on it and make a decision early next year.

For background, I really struggled with my first and she is what you'd call a pretty 'easy' baby. I had undiagnosed PND and took years for me to seek treatment (but feel so much better now).

In the meantime, please can you tell me exactly what changed in your life after having a second child (prerably with a 4/5 year age gap). I feel I need honest feedback so my judgement isn't clouded by looking back at cute baby pictures.

You can't guarantee the second child you'll get, is one thing to consider. You may hope for a fun easy-going little sibling who will get on really well with your DD. Or you could get a baby with additional health needs, or a child who will grow up to share literally zero interests with your first child and who has quite a conflicting personality. It's a roll of the dice - though one plenty of families seem happy to take, and that (mostly?) seems to pay off. Or are there just lots more families willing to talk about how it worked out great for them versus those that quietly regret.

My friends have two with a 3.5 year age gap, they're now coming up to 3.5 and 7 years old and it's still difficult to balance conflicting needs, though perhaps getting a bit easier. You just physically can't always meet both their separate demands at the same time, especially if it's just one of you there - I help out fairly regularly, though try not to be in sole charge too often because I find that tough! 5/6/7 year olds are getting into roleplay with complicated rules and want to do things in a particular way, babies and toddlers don't understand and get frustrated or get told they're doing it wrong. Bigger kids can go in bigger soft plays and parks, toddlers cry because they can't. They get dragged along and sit on the side of activities they can't do. They have different attention spans for watching things or games. Bigger kids want more involved adult attention with what they're doing, when much of your focus has to be on the toddler not getting into dangerous situations, or suddenly needing a nappy change/a rush to the toilet. Personality wise highly-strung bigger kids who get upset if they don't have their way plus a toddler who also wants their own way is a recipe for tantrums and tears all round.

It's a mix of about 1/3 of the time they play nicely together and get along well, 1/3 time it's okay, and 1/3 of the time they wind each other up, frustrate each other, fight!

It's the mum-guilt, I think. If a friend approached me with the same sentence, I would, of course, tell her she's not being selfish and it's important she makes time for herself and partner. I can't seem to take my own advice or logical thinking!

Watching the two of them interact and grow up together has been the single best part of parenting.

agree with @cptartapp it is he best bit of all

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to this thread. I've shown my partner, and we will refer back to it over the next few months whilst we work through our thoughts.

The most important thing to me is making a decision based on as much information and experience as possible. It's such a huge decision with massive impacts, and if either of us are still on the fence come.next year, I know the answer will be "one and done." I wouldn't want to bring another child into the world and risk any regret - that's completely unfair, in my opinion.

Thank you all again so much. If anyone new comes across this thread, please do leave your experiences.

I will come back to update you on what we decide in case it helps someone else in the future.

Watching the two of them interact and grow up together has been the single best part of parenting.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. And I’m an only child, so wasn’t expecting it at all. (I admit I’m lucky to have two that get on well - I know it’s not a given.)

Smaller age gap here, but to answer your question - yes, you do go back to the beginning in a way, albeit in a different way as you already have a child with needs and wants to deal with. So it’s not like turning back time and is definitely a new chapter. In our case, it meant my DH built a much closer 1-1 bond with our older child as he’d take her out on his own for a few hours while I was sorting the baby (previously we’d have gone as a 3) and that was nice for them as they found “their” things to do. But she also very much grew into the big sister role, so the whole dynamic of the family changed and moved forward.

You obviously do get less time as a couple with two when they are very small. But when my two got a bit older, I was very conscious that we got more of it back as they would amuse each other and play together. So then it was much easier to carve out an hour or so for us to sit down and have a drink together (or whatever). Things are never static with kids.

OP I am glad the thread was helpful. For me/us having another child wasn't to be weighed up as a combination of pros and cons, it was a burning, visceral need.

I just wanted to add that I found the baby period a million times easier with my second. I really struggled with my first. I felt miserable and overwhelmed the whole time. She was a difficult baby. The first year DRAGGED! Everyone kept saying "oh it flies by!" but honestly her first year of life was the longest year of my life! With my second child it went by in the blink of an eye! I barely remember him being a baby. One minute he was a newborn, the next minute we were weaning, then he was a toddler. Any problem we experienced (colic, sleep regression etc) didn't feel like a big deal because we'd been there before and got through it.

@givemushypeasachance that was absolutely not my experience of a 3.5 year gap with an alpha, sporty boy and a diffident, more sensitive girl. DD had lots of one to one time because ds was at nursery when she was born and at school by the time she was 15 months. She quickly had her own younger sibling playground gang before she started school and a little chum would come home with us when ds had a play date.

They are 24 and 28 now. Their personalities have not changed, they still get on well.

For me personally, I’d wanted a second but like you I had pnd (mild thankfully). But took two years to fully feel all the feelings with my oldest. With my second it was instantaneous, so my whole pregnancy was different. I got to enjoy the kicks and rolls, the straight after birth glow too. I also got to see my oldest in a whole new light and their relationship is adorable. (Oldest is 5 yrs youngest 15 months!)

1 feels like 1, 2 feels like 4 🤣. Saying that I wouldn't change him for the world. I found my 2 to have been most difficult at different stages, so while my 1st was quite difficult the first 3 months (acid reflux meant feeding often and really bad sleeper), my second one was sleeping 5 hours by week 4....I found it more difficult when baby number 2 started crawling (at around 5 months) , and trying to adhere to timings for the eldest, who was in nursery on very funny hours (12 to 3) meant breakfast at 8 then lunch at 11am and always in a mad rush to feed both of them and change the baby's nappy before walking at 11:40...once the eldest started school and the little one went to nursery when he was 18 months, and me back to work it felt a bit easier...

I totally understand that. This is why I'm so confused. I have days where I absolutely feel I need and want another baby, but I think my history of PND and all the struggles I had bring me back down to earth with a nasty bump and I second guess myself.

My second is an easy dream baby and slots in quite easily but it is a shock going back to sleeplessness and the demands of a baby after enjoying the relative independence of a four year old. There’s much less space/time to myself this time round even though DP has more leave this time: if he takes the baby, the four year old wants me! She’s become very clingy and suddenly wants me all the time in a way she didn’t before – natural but exhausting!

I do love watching her adore him though, and him gradually warm up to her. His baby giggle when she plays with him is lovely. And one on one time with her feels more valuable now, as time is scarce. Would love to go for a wee in peace again though…

Everyone's experience is going to be different.

I found going from 0 to first baby a doddle. First child was very happy and laid back, slept well and so on.

Then going from 1-2 was a massive shock. We had a 6 year age gap and going back to that newborn stage was tough. Second baby was completely different. Definitely a sleepless, couldn't be put down baby.

However, it all settled down in the end (sort of). The eldest turned into a moody teen and the baby turned into the perfect easygoing child (for now!).

The only thing I regret is leaving such a big gap, as they have nothing much in common. An age gap does have its benefits too so it's swings and roundabouts.

The second was far easier... as long as there are no more lockdowns!

22 months between my DC. I loathed being pregnant and wanted to get it all over with as soon as possible (also had a very traumatic birth with DC1, during which we both nearly died, followed by post natal anxiety). Having two was the best thing I ever did by a million miles (even though I've spent most of their lives refereeing between them). I didn't suffer at all from post-natal problems after DC2, thankfully. I had problems bonding with DC1, which I found immensely distressing, but didn't have any problems at all bonding with DC2. Good luck with your decision.

It's disappointing that the same old "that's a tricky age gap" trope is still being rolled out. In an ideal world people would have their second / third etc kids when they want to - that doesn't always work out with losses or secondary infertility.

3.5 yr gap with mine. Despite an awful first birth and vowing never to go through that again I had a strong biological desire for a second child and for my first not to be an only. I couldn't rationalise that against pros and cons as the cons (sleeplessness, finances etc etc) would probably have outweighed the pros!

My second was twins so a bit different and I have 4 years between them and first. (Not out of choice but due to infertility) But not much changed really - finances obviously took a hammering and then no parent really gets a break. If you have one child the other parent always gets some downtime. You have more than one child then downtime becomes less or even non existent. Especially as they get older and constant school events, hobbies, social events and so on

I would say if you are going to have another I wouldn't delay a year. Your child could be 5 or older by the time a sibling came along and it will feel more like starting again than if you had had say 2 years. Your going back to the beginning of nappies and sleepless nights. The age gap means day trips/activities become more difficult as they are totally different age groups with different interests. Personally i wouldn't delay but then I never wanted just one child so it wasn't a decision to be agonised over

I have a 2yo and 4 yo, I found with DS2 age 6-12 months was the hardest time since having a child. I really struggled and wondered why we had a second.
If I only had my 4yo now I don't think I'd have another. Because the youngest is so much harder work than the 4yo, he pours drinks on the floor for no reason/throws things/ i have to go through potty training again etc

Honestly the way I feel right now I would recommend others to stick at 1 if they are unsure. There's the risk of a difficult baby such as a non sleeper, or having multiples, or a baby with a disability, which despite the fact you'd love this child/children with all your heart they can alter your life in a negative way

I might feel differently in the future when my youngest is a bit older. He also doesn't go to nursery which probably contributes to my feelings

DS1 is 4 and DS2 is just home. I felt deeply I wanted two, DP was happy with one but also happy to try for two if it was important for me.

I had a horrific experience and DS2 was born at 27 weeks, then in NICU for 12. Now he's 2 weeks corrected and we're all home. It's both what I expected and not - I knew DS1 would struggle but I didn't expect that I would feel so guilty about it. And I knew DS2 wouldn't get the level of individual attention that DS1 got but I didn't expect to feel guilty about that! I do think the age gap works in that DS1 understands (while hating) that sometimes he has to wait, and he's at the age where he loves play dates so we can get some time without feeling like we're getting rid of him. I would have really struggled if he was any younger than 3.5 I think in terms of his individual needs.

I think in all honesty life would be easier if I'd been happy with one, but I really wanted two!

I have a four and a half year age gap. Girl first and then a boy. Age gap worked well for us. Second baby was so much easier as I knew what I was doing and wasn’t stressed which babies can sort of sense. Summer with the new baby and getting used to being a family of four and then my dd started school. She loved school and was happy to go and I had the days at home with ds so he got lots of attention.
I had kept all baby stuff and had bought everything pretty neutral for dd so could hand that down to ds but as they got older hand-me-downs got less so there was an additional cost there and with all out of school activities, food etc.
They are now adults. They rubbed along quite easily with each other as small children but then grew apart as teenagers as they are completely different personalities. Dd is quiet and ‘nerdy’ (as her brother would say) and ds is sporty and the most popular kid at school. But we are going away to a hotel for a few days at Easter and they still both want to come and are very happy to share a room, I’m fact they insisted on it.
I was debating having a second dd for a long time but I don’t regret it at all.

Our daughter was four and we had twins which made everything so much harder and expensive. I felt my daughter was pushed out because I was always busy with a baby and I've always regretted that. I did my best but I wish I had more time for her

Actually, it was the same for me too. I absolutely did not want to be a couple with a child. I wanted to have children and all the glorious full-on chaos that goes with that (especially when they are close in age).

I had the same visceral desire to have several more, but ex husband refused!