To ask what actually changed when you had a second child

[TravelDazzle]

Just that really. Partner and I are so undecided about having a second. We have a beautiful 4yr old at the moment and I keep swaying between wanting another and loving our little family of 3. Partner feels exactly the same. We've decided to think on it and make a decision early next year.

For background, I really struggled with my first and she is what you'd call a pretty 'easy' baby. I had undiagnosed PND and took years for me to seek treatment (but feel so much better now).

In the meantime, please can you tell me exactly what changed in your life after having a second child (prerably with a 4/5 year age gap). I feel I need honest feedback so my judgement isn't clouded by looking back at cute baby pictures.

Going from one to two was far far easier than none to one.
We had a 2.5 year gap and no help so the first year was hard (we outsourced a lot of it to nursery and I went back to work pt) but 20 years on I can say having a second was absolutely the right decision.
Watching the two of them interact and grow up together has been the single best part of parenting.

DS is going to turn 5 in 3 weeks and his little sister is now a month old. Honestly it's been lovely. DS absolutely dotes on DD and I haven't really struggled at all so far. She's slotted beautifully into our lives. I make sure I spend some time with DS every evening when DP gets home to watch DD and everyone seems to be happy with the arrangement. I make sure I put DD down so DS doesn't always see me with the baby. He does go to school so I have that time then to hold DD as much as I want to without him feeling like he's being replaced. Would definitely recommend!

I don’t know because I’m 29 weeks pregnant with my second so can tell you soon but…I felt exactly like you when my son was 4. I loved our life and didn’t want it to change. We started trying because I felt like I should give him a sibling but wasn’t ready. Well fate played their hand and it took 4 years to conceive our second. Our son is now 8 and I’ve got to say I’m glad it worked out that way. I would never suggest to wait till your child’s 8 if you want another because depending on your age and fertility status, if you leave it to late it may never happen. But maybe get a fertility MOT to get an idea of how much time you’ve got…because to be honest my biggest concern was that it would never happen for us but if I’d known it would happen but just later I would have been quite happy not starting when he was 4. He’s self sufficient at 8, he’s super excited to have a little sister. He’s now very easy to look after and everything has fallen in place for him socially and academically at school…I just feel he’s so much more settled than he was at 4/5 and we’ve had an amazing last 4 years with him watching him grow 1:1…big age gaps are under-rated. But I say that knowing we narrowly missed a chance at a second…so I’d only advise waiting if you’ve had your fertility checked. Best of luck!

I had my DD when DS was 4. It was amazing. Lovely age gap. He was mature enough not to feel jealous and fight over toys. He's always been so loving and caring towards her. And she adores him. Your oldest will be off to school so you'll get some 1-1 time with your baby, you just have to make sure to fit in 1-1 time with your oldest as well.

Honestly nothing changed for the worse. She enhanced all of our lives. I couldn't recommend it enough. I was a much more relaxed and confident mum the second time around. The only thing really is that you go back to nappies and bottles, which I didn't mind, and also the sleep deprivation, which I did. Even now DD is a toddler she does that toddler thing of waking at 6am and I look at DS snoozing until 9 or 10am and think how if I'd only had one we would have some lovely lazy mornings. But in a couple of years she'll have lazy lie ins too, it's only temporary. But the love my children share will last their lifetime.

We have a 3.5 year age gap so not quite as big. What changed? Our sleep per night went from 9 hours to 2-3, consistently. Our outgoings obviously increased massively and it was a struggle paying so much for childcare again, coupled with increases in so many other things.
My older child struggled with not having as much attention (wouldn’t have been so bad if my second was less demanding/slept better) and she did regress in some areas.
It was so hard for all of us and a massive shock to the system going from 1 to 2. I’m really not sure how we all got through it, but we did and now the free hours childcare for my 2nd are in sight and they play together so well and adore each other.

DH was the one who really wanted a second, I was a bit on the fence - as in, wouldn't have been heartbroken if I couldn't get pregnant. But when DD was 4 I decided to go for it.

Like PPs, it's easier in some ways because it is less of a shock and you have more idea what you are doing. You are a bit more relazed, you know what is coming, it's a little bit familiar. I ended up ignoring DS more than I ever did DD (as I was looking after her) and he quickly came to the conclusion that he may as well nap wherever he was put because I wasn't rocking him to sleep any time soon 😁

The age gap you are thinking about is an interesting one. I found some things easier - DD was old enough that I could leave them together in a room and not worry about her sitting on DS's face to "give him a cuddle" or anything like that. She helped with him, fetched me stuff, understood when I needed some time with the baby and needed her to just read a book or watch telly for half an hour. She was at f/t nursery during pregnancy (a godsend) and then at school when I was on mat leave, so we quickly found a good routine. It also meant I was able to make friends with other school mums which, over the past decade, has been absolutely invaluable and some of them I consider my closest friends and have been an enormous support over the years. I think I would have missed that a lot of I hadn't had that time off on mat leave to make friends.

There was a rocky few years as DS was a toddler and a pre-schooler and DD was quite a bit older; DH worked a lot at weekends and so we couldn't do a lot of things DD wanted, cinema and bowling and all that. But now they are 11 and 6 it's much easier as DD is starting to take herself places or stay at home without us for a while.

It's not a simple decision, but good luck!

I have a 2.5 year age gap between my 2 and I can’t even remember what it was like to have just one 🤣 we always knew we wanted another though

Also I had PND after my first but not my second

I hate to say this, but everything got worse. More expensive, more stressful, my body never really recovered well. I have felt close to having a breakdown on many occasions as I'm also juggling FT working with everything else and nobody really cares how stressed you are.

My son is lovely but hard work. I think he is likely to have additional needs that will really impact his life. Going on holiday, out for the day usually results in drama. All the fighting for help to meet his needs has been draining as nobody cares about kids anymore.

I do sometimes wonder how lovely life would be if i stopped at one child, but I am glad my youngest is here and love him to bits, but it has been very difficult. If he was my first child I would have definitely stopped at one kid!

I completely disagree for me personally - we have a 6.5 year age gap and I think it’s amazing!

My eldest got my undivided attention during the baby and toddler years, when she needed it more. We got her off to school, and she naturally became easier as she got older.

By the time her brother was born, she was pretty self sufficient. She also actively wanted a sibling and understood what a sibling would mean (rather than the simple “they are cute and we could share toys” that a preschool age child would grasp)

I was also able to give my youngest just as much attention as my oldest got. My eldest goes to school, has hobbies and so on, so we get loads of 1:1 time.

I believe both my children benefitted massively from being a large age gap sibling pairing.

Also, I was much more physically ready after years of sleeping all night, stress free parenting than I would have been after a year or two.

I mostly agree with this! There are absolutely no negatives to us having a second, except maybe the fertility issues to get him. Our life is busier for sure; but not in a bad way, in a nice way. He even slept well (slept through the night on his second night of life, consistently slept 13h from 10 weeks)

Not all babies don’t sleep. Luckily.

We went back to the beginning again (naps etc) which was hard, but by far the biggest difference was doing everything with a toddler in tow as well. So no napping when the baby naps, it’s much harder to give each other a break because generally whoever wasn’t dealing with the crying baby had the toddler to try and give them attention, my parents found it hard to offer as much help second time round, the toddlers life got turned upside down so they were difficult too… I found one child pretty easy so it felt like the second child was when the rubber really hit the road parenting wise. I often regretted having two until youngest was preschool age, when suddenly they played together and were both older and easier in general. Now it’s probably easier having two than one, they entertain each other.

4 year age gap here. Totally different pregnancy with my second. They were completely different baby/toddler/child/teen than first one. They got along as kids but now rarely speak or see each other unless it’s a family gathering. For the day to day stuff it was double the nursery fees, difficult to find sitters for two, difficult to balance the needs of each, difficult to be in two places at the same time when they both had after school activities. Obviously easier as they got older and more independent and now all that seems a whole lifetime ago but at the time it was never ending drudgery!

My second was born a month before DS’s 4th birthday. She has enhanced all of our lives, DS loves her (despite having been desperate for a brother) and she adores him.
I am far more relaxed and actually enjoyed the baby stage 2nd time round having hated it previously (DS was a Velcro baby)
I think it’s a great gap as DS is at school so i get quality time with DD and then make sure to have quality time with him at other times.

Our 2nd baby has just turned 1, we had him when our DD had just turned 5. We were unsure about a 2nd baby for a couple of years, but it's the best thing we did.
Seeing them both together is so rewarding and I really enjoyed the baby stage more this time because I know how quickly it goes (it went so much faster 2nd time round).

You do have to juggle more. With 1 baby for example, either DH or me would do bed time or bath time so the other could chill out etc. now we have one each to sort out! It felt like we didn't have any time together for a while, it's tricky to navigate but it's just a phase. You go back to square 1 again with sleep etc. but I felt much more relaxed and confident with everything second time around.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do OP.

We have 4.5 years between number 2&3 and it’s a beautiful gap. Older at school so whole week at home with the baby. School goes hand in hand with them being more independent/less full on too I find. So it’s a nice gap.

I was a very anxious first time mum and my second was such a balm. It was amazing to do it again without all the worries. I loved it.

I have a 4.5 year age gap between my first two children (now aged 20 & 25!). It honestly was just fantastic. I found becoming a mum very hard first time round, but having DC2 was great. There was no jealousy and DC1 was delighted to have a sibling. DC1 started school at about the time DC2 was born, so there was plenty of time with new baby and also DC1 when he came home from school. Your whole life adjusts when you have the first child, so when DC2 comes along four years later you've already made the shift to being a parent and have picked up a few skills along the way.

I would recommend it! The age gap was fine when they were pre-teenage and even through the teenage years they always got on pretty well, despite having different lives.

I enjoyed it so much that I went on to have two more children, something I never thought I would do while struggling with DC1 as a newborn. Good luck, whatever you decide!

Im at the ‘other end’ of this with 2 kids -
23 & 18. Early days were fine, lots of fun but yes hard at first. It’s now that’s more challenging- 2x uni costs, helping them get started in life. Think we sometimes forget this at the beginning! Wouldn’t change it though, my lads are super close and great. ££££ though - seems to be more than by a factor of 2 as they egg each other on! ( driving, cars, general help with life!)

I love having two and wish I could have even more. It takes about 2 years for me to find my feet again after having a baby as I find the early years all consuming but we are back to a nice equilibrium now.

What's good is another amazing person is in our family that we all adore who is unique and funny and irreplaceable.

What's changed is:

1. Much busier
2. Much less time to spend with my first and the second gets less time than my first did so constantly feel stretched and guilty
3. While by kids adore each other, when they fight (as siblings do) its the most irritating thing in the world. It happens mostly when they are in doors which means the house never feels peaceful and we are constantly out doing things which is fun but tiring as well!
4. Everything is more expensive as a family of 4

I have no money - I now have to pay for two lots of clothes and shoes (I had one summer baby and one winter baby so hand me downs don't always match up and some of DC1's clothes went straight to the recycling bin when he was done with them). Two lots of presents for birthday and Christmas, two birthday parties, two entry fees on days out, two meals when we go out etc.

I have less time - At school I will soon have to juggle parents evening for two kids, two lots of school plays and other events, two lots of homework etc. There's the extra washing and ironing, an extra bedroom to clean, an extra bed to change.

My two DC bicker and argue all day, every day. They do love each other but the older one gets frustrated that the younger one doesn't get the game or what they are trying to build or make etc.

I would have loved to have had a third but I'm too old, there's no way we could afford a third nor do we have room for a third.

I love my two, I have no regrets having them, I'm glad they have each other when me and DP have gone.

It's harder going back because you know what's coming! But easier in some ways because you are better equip. Having a larger age gap you may find it easier to tag team sometimes so better if your partner is hands on other wise it's a struggle. They may play together when 2nd is 3/4ish which would be lovely.

It was tough going back to sleepless nights again! But I actually found the first year OK. The newborn slept a lot so I had quality time with my first. Once they were both a bit older I had to deal with fights etc. Looking back it was just pretty intense when they were both preschool. Once they were both settled in to school life became much easier.

@TravelDazzle my second is 3 months old and my first is about to turn 5. We always planned to have 2 children, but I suffered from PND and like you, didn't seek help for a long time. We really debated having another as life had started to get easier again, but a big part of me knew I'd regret not having another through fear of PND and I wanted the chance to enjoy a baby rather than just 'surviving'.

We went for it and I have no regrets and my DD1 adores her little sister, but it has impacted her hugely having to share me. It doesn't help for me that my husband works away a lot so it's just me on my own trying to juggle their attention. The good thing is that the second gets more of your time when the older one is at school.

The difficult thing is that because I do a lot on my own, it's hard taking DD1 out to some places like adventure parks etc as I can't go on anything with a baby, but she is too little to do much on her own.. this is our biggest challenge but overcome by planning to go with friends who will help me out. All doable really!

Life feels very different having 2 but as my first was and still is a terrible sleeper, I never got used to having unbroken sleep.

It is as others have said, back to square 1.

I didn't find having 2 that difficult but I was very very lucky as they were quite an 'easy' baby and toddler, slept decently, no 'threenager' behaviour from oldest, who also wasn't possessive of me. Yours should be old enough to understand without necessarily being old enough to have got too used to being your one and only so that should be a good age gap in that respect.