To think I'm making life difficult for myself, or is parenting just this hard??

[AliceAbsolum]

DD is 4 months next week. Ebf. Every evening after about 5pm she's very unsettled. Screams the house down. I think she would happily go to bed at 6pm because she's over tired, but 1, it's against SIDs advice to have her upstairs and 2, she can never fall asleep alone anyway. If she's not in the pram or carseat she will only breastfeed to sleep.
So I end up going to bed at 7pm just to stop the screaming. But I don't like it as I want to actually see DH and have an evening. Let alone when it's going to be light and warm outside.
What would we do if we had other kids?
Am I missing something here?

I don't have much advice but just to sympathise really...some babies are a lot more challenging than others. For example, my son had silent reflux and it was a permanent struggle to get him to sleep at all...day or night. People who haven't experienced a particularly challenging baby just don't understand. It honestly does get better though.

DH and I would both go to bed early and watch a series together with DS in the room with us.

Sorry if you've said already but does she have a dummy? All mine breastfed to sleep at that age and replaced with dummy. Sometimes they would wake and need to be resettled or fed again to go back to sleep but eventually they would all sleep through most of that evening period.

This was the game changer for me, I got it on ebay cheap and my little one would snooze without being latched to me! Easy to move from front room to bed and good for safe co sleeping https://www.jojomamanbebe.co.uk/red-castle-cocoonababy-nest-b1090.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjwiZqhBhCJARIsACHHEH9HeQO__DSKeFMIg4qdTCbL_SjfPl_khBzPMbgP7x-fjsuGNMKd4KkaAmS0EALw_wcB

Maybe worth pointing out it's possible your baby wants more boob. I know it doesn't seem possible, but around that age, I'd sometimes have them in me for three hours at a time. They'd snooze a bit, wake up and get stuck in again 😂

There are ways and marketing gimmicks to separate young baby from mother, but ultimately we are mammals and our young want to feed and snuggle into our arms, and get to sleep feeling warm and safe.

It’s inconvenient and boring for the mother, but when it passes, it’s often missed. Try and enjoy it, power through the boring bits, it will get easier soon enough.

On me. Not in me!!

We did a swing/rocker in the living room where she would happily sleep while we watched TV, checked her frequently, and never left her unattended. I know rockers are controversial but it worked well for us.

We just held them, put them to bed when we went up.

The one holding the baby got waited on

The walk in the fresh air would do wonders.

My mother helped me to train my dd out of being breastfed to sleep. We used to take turns walking around with her in our arms singing to her all the time to get her to sleep. It took about 3 nights and then she was fine.

I just used to carry them about/ sit with DH on the sofa with them on my chest/ give them to DH when not feeding.

I have 3 kids and DH worked away from when the older two were nearly 2 and nearly two months, and I just kept DC2 in a wrap carrier when looking after DC1/ doing her story etc and putting her to bed (dc2 was coincidentally my best night time sleeper despite not being put down for naps or to bed until I went to bed).

I started bedtime routines and putting to bed and coming back downstairs for each child at around the time they became mobile - around 7-8 months.

Mine really preferred being put to bed in the dark and quiet. No noise, no lights. My eldest used to get cross and glare at me if I stayed in the room. I was wary about sids advice and used to sit in the doorway just out of sight. Younger one preferred me to stay in the room but I had to be very still and quiet or she would squawk at me. Once they were asleep i could sneak in and out to have my dinner, have a quick bath etc. I'd also watch/ read stuff on my tablet so i felt like i was "getting an evening". I did breastfeed but was advised to NOT feed to sleep (I was going back to work before 6m both times so I needed them to not rely on my boots being a human dummy!) I'm just saying this because staying downstairs for the evening while you do normal stuff is not what all babies are happy with. Also an early evening bedtime establishes a good habit.

I actually think it’s comments like yours that I found the most unsupportive while BFing.

If a mother is struggling is absolutely is a problem to be fixed.

The ‘well too bad this is a baby, such it up’ is unhelpful not to mention actually unsupportive.
Luckily there have been some useful comments here because it’s not normal for a baby to scream for hours every evening.

Totally agree. By my third child I knew how precious those early times are and just rolled with it. He sleeps in my bed every night and I'm loving it. I don't feel that need to 'get back to normal' as much this time.

We had this every evening up until 6 months, it's really awful 😞 but it will pass soon, no idea how you do it with another child don't want to try it tbh Xx

DC2 is also 4 months and a NIGHTMARE to get to sleep in the evenings currently. It's a really recent thing so pretty sure it's some developmental thing. She settles for naps during the day like a dream. I've just got her to sleep now with no effort at all... Yet come 6:30/7pm she's wailing. Doesn't want a feed (breast or bottle), will sometimes take her dummy, definitely wants walking round but not in a sling 🙄 calpol or gripe water sometimes work, sometimes don't. Me and my husband are having to tag team her while the other does bedtime for my older child. If she'll settle on DH (usually after 9pm) then I'll just go up to bed to grab a couple of hours undisturbed sleep. Sometimes I just get in bed with her and wait out the crying.
I am missing evenings with DH but I know it doesn't last.

I had one like that, she cluster fed between 7 and 9 and then we went to bed together.

I dont the rules on safety, the consultant paediatricians do. I'm just a therapist.

At that age ours had a third nap around four pm for 45 minutes. It got them through to seven pm without being too cranky.

We had a breathing monitor with sensors etc. so they slept in their rooms from 7pm. Day sleeps were in the wicker basket until they outgrew it.

I sleep trained mine at 3.5 months. Avoided sleep regressions.
From then on he fell asleep by himself and would only cry when he wanted a night feed, or vomited.

My eldest slept downstairs with us or went in the sling. My youngest wouldn’t use a sling or sleep/settle without dark and quiet and I lost my evenings completely. You’ll get the evenings back though, it just takes time. I tried to make the most of the early nights and watched something quietly with subtitles for a short time or read a book (usually on my phone as only one hand free, though I prefer actual books) and then go to sleep early as she fed often in the night.

This may well be because it’s more realistic to achieve that and they need time in the evening for housework or therapy or similar. It’s highly unlikely a high number of babies at a mother and baby unit are breastfed and often things are done differently. For example, in a rehab facility, nursery is often key to give parents time to attend therapy, prove time keeping/organisational effort and give staff a chance to observe how baby is developing. At home with a parent without concerns, this isn’t a key, unmissable part of life at the same young age (though obviously lots of babies are in nursery as mum is at work). I don’t know what type of unit you work in (assessment re neglect concerns, drugs or for another reason), but recommendations are often different within a situation like this. At home in a standard situation in the UK, mums are told not to leave babies unattended due to SIDS and encouraged to keep them in the same room.

Dim your living room lights and TV on low…a baby senses when they’re alone so in this situation they’re not. They can still hear your voice, smell you and know you’re near. What I will say though is one side of our sofa has a permanent dent lol from where DH and I spent hours just holding out eldest sitting, the months go quick OP. Mine are older now and one is up to my chin! When I hold them I still think of when they were so so tiny that I could just hold them against me for hours on end.