To think I'm making life difficult for myself, or is parenting just this hard??

[AliceAbsolum]

DD is 4 months next week. Ebf. Every evening after about 5pm she's very unsettled. Screams the house down. I think she would happily go to bed at 6pm because she's over tired, but 1, it's against SIDs advice to have her upstairs and 2, she can never fall asleep alone anyway. If she's not in the pram or carseat she will only breastfeed to sleep.
So I end up going to bed at 7pm just to stop the screaming. But I don't like it as I want to actually see DH and have an evening. Let alone when it's going to be light and warm outside.
What would we do if we had other kids?
Am I missing something here?

We just kept ours downstairs in the living room, depending on child either one of us held them or they were in the pram carrycot and then we took them up to bed with us. Just keep the lights and tv on low in the evenings.

What’s different about bringing her upstairs then?

I would just BF her and let her sleep on your husband while you both sit on the sofa.

OP, I have a preschooler and a 7 month old, and here’s how we make it work:

4pm - DH collect preschooler and come home. Playtime, TV etc while I cook dinner
5pm - dinner
5.30pm - playtime, TV while I tidy up kitchen, shower, brush teeth, cuddle preschooler
6.30pm - DH takes preschooler upstairs for bath, story and bedtime, I settle down in my comfy chair, bf baby to sleep with TV on but fairly quietly. Baby sleeps on me while I watch stuff or browse MN until I’m tired - then we go upstairs to sleep, if baby wakes up he is easy to settle back - we co-sleep.

Ours stayed downstairs with us until they were regularly sleeping 7-11pm ish. Then we introduced the bedtime routine.
It did mean one of us was holding them or in the carry cot if we were lucky.

I kept DD downstairs with me feeding from 5-10pm ish, it’s classic cluster feeding time. They call it the witching hour but it’s really many hours.

I did go to bed early with her when she was older, but not at 4 months.

Mine will be 5 months next week but is formula fed. His bedtime is 7 and he goes upstairs at that point but of course, totally personal decision because it is against guidelines, I feel comfortable that it's a very low risk.

I taught him to self settle by using the pick up put down method, I'd pick him up when he cried but once settled, I'd put him down again awake and repeated until he went to sleep. It takes some patience but did work with time.

You can also wait it out too and likely, it will naturally improve as baby gets older. Completely up to you.

OP it is hard but there are definitely things you can do to make it easier. I found overtiredness was the one thing that made my babies scream as if they were being tortured and would do anything to avoid it!

There is no need to follow absolutely every 'guideline' in the book - that way madness lies. You have to work out what you will be happy to do but if it helps, this is what worked for me:

-I did BF but I gave a mine bottle of formula at 5, did bath, then breastfeed,. Then they would settle, whereas otherwise they would just want to cluster feed, because my milk supply was always low in the evenings. I hated cluster feeding so much that I would have ditched BF completely within the month had I had to spend every night on the sofa with a baby latched on. Doing mixed feeding, I went on to BF all three for the time I had planned to and genuinely enjoyed it.

-All three of mine were upstairs in the cot with the monitor on by 4 months. Sleeping in their own rooms overnight too. The SIDS guidance is just that - guidance - I took the approach that if every other precaution was taken (no cosleeping, no smokers in the house, back to sleep, safe sleeping bag and no pillows, room at right temperature etc etc etc) then I was happy with the tiny amount of risk of them being in a room alone. Again, you have to be happy with what you're doing, but this worked for us.

-I worked towards mine self-settling around the 3-4 month stage using a lullaby light/white noise thing. Didn't happen overnight of course but it worked and by 4/5 months I could put baby in the cot and they could settle themselves.

You have to do what's right for you but guidelines are just guidelines. You will find an approach that works for you all.

Mine were both like this. I just shifted their bedtime to my bedtime when they were tiny and gradually moved earlier. And then sleep trained when they were 7 months (gently before I get a pile on) as I couldnt hack it any more

It’s different for breastfed babies though, they should be feeding at that time of evening as it stimulates supply. So having them self settle on their own is the opposite to what you want. They need to be on you, feeding as needed so you can meet their demand.

And got them to sleep on me in the lounge when they were little. Not ideal for sleep habits but at least I felt like I was seeing my husband and could watch tv rather than just sitting in the dark on my own

Really interesting replies thanks everyone. I think if she slept on the boob that's fine but some evenings she won't sleep on me with a boob in her mouth! Just comes off screams, goes back on for 2 seconds, comes off screams... She's just tired and can't drop off

Feed or rock to sleep, whatever works, then sit down with baby on you with cushions propped around, or try and put down in a Moses basket or one of those cushion bed insert things. I'd work on rock/feed to sleep and keep on you, then move to rock etc and into the basket. When older start the upstairs routine to get an evening

At that age they often want to cluster feed all evening.

So sit on sofa, watch TV, chat to husband. Feed, cuddle, hold, feed etc

Then carry up to bed and try and put to bed when you go up.

Husband can also sit and hold baby

That's fair enough. It's a reason why I mentioned he's formula fed because I know it can be different.

Same here

It's normal
Its only for a short time
💐

4 months is sleep regression territory as well, so likely to be more unsettled.

I just fed mine to sleep, put them to bed & used a monitor. They needed the dark quiet room to sleep. All mine started being put to bed from 3 months old, in their own rooms with a monitor. The last baby I had a video monitor as those had just come out at reasonable costs then.

Alternatively, if she is a screamer. Some babies are.

Then put her in the pram and go for a walk together.

You get to chat and the motion should help to settle her.

DD has just turned 3mths and sleeps in the lounge with us either on me, in the sling or in her pram. We found what was key to minimising the witching hour was to take her for a walk before she was overtired so she dropped off in the sling, and then we could transfer her to the pram once she was asleep. If we missed that pre-tiredness window she was significantly harder to settle. Try to remember everything is a phase, this too will pass!

At that age, i just fed my two to sleep then lounged on the sofa with a baby in my arms until my husband and I were ready for bed. Usually i also had 2 cats on me. Was lovely 😍

Is she good at getting her wind up? My lb had a night doing this, Dr said it was probably gas. He was teething, had a cold and just started crawling. Dr said with the newly crawling lo has probably picked up extra germs causing a cold causing his to swallow more air because he is teething. He also had silent reflux which didn't help!

I just held DD or DH would take her out for a walk then they'd sleep in the pushchair till I was ready to go to bed.

I would just let mine sleep on me, they screamed if I put them down too… don’t worry, it gets better

This is what we did too

Around that age there is a difficult period like this, but it passes.
You could try winding her, and a change of scenery helps - step outside in the fresh air for a bit, or give a bath - water has a calming effect (even if there’s some grumbling going in at first).

I didn't breastfeed so it's probably different, but we used to get them ready for bed and let them sleep in their pram and then take them to bed and give them a bottle in the bedroom . Could you do this and give a feed back to sleep ?