To feel like I regret IVF....

[Wobblyheart]

Hi everyone,

I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement.

I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone.

what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy.

my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months.

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD.

meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives.

i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally.

if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

You have not ruined anyone's life, you've had a really difficult time. The run of events and stress that led to you choosing IVF have led you to this anxious place, not the IVF itself. It's just that you have latched into the one thing you can blame yourself for.

Babies don't have social skills, stop reading about autism, just enjoy your baby, who has brought joy to both you and your DH, thanks to you.

I’m in work and can’t reply now but have been through this and will come back and reply later as I have been where you are and I know how hard it is.

Your baby sounds like a healthy, average baby to me. My dd couldn’t sit still at all at that age, because she is curious about the world and enjoying her body movements. You are fretting and worrying because you have had a bad time. All will be well OP. Whatever life throws your way you have a beautiful baby and a loving dh, enjoy it - they are teenagers before you know it!

What support are you getting with your anxiety, op?

Does your ivf clinic offer counselling? I feel you need to talk to someone who can support you. IVF is an incredibly stressful experience, both physically and mentally, added to a traumatic pregnancy, it’s no wonder you are feeling the way you are. Best of luck in healing yourself.

You're being too hard on yourself.❤
Your baby is just fine. My baby was like yours and now she is in her early primary years and she's just fine.
Please don't be hard on yourself. You've gone through a lot and are going through more health issues now. It's normal to feel anxious about those you love the most.

OP, you sound so worried and scared. I wanted to reassure you - I have an autistic 8yo DS (and a NT 3yo) and he is the joy of my life. He's clever, funny, kind, gentle - he just needs (a lot) more support from me and DH than his peers, but we wouldn't change a hair on his head.

I don’t have any experience of infertility or IVF, but I do have experience of postnatal anxiety and it was truly hideous.

Are you getting any help for the anxiety- eg have you spoken to your doctor or health visitor. Are you on any anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication? Things started to feel much better for me almost straight away when I spoke to someone and started taking them.

I have health anxiety in general anyway which rears its ugly head from time to time and I know from experience that when you have anxiety it very often manifests itself as physical symptoms of disease that you actually don’t have - particularly neurological-type ones.

I don’t know what your symptoms are and what you’re being tested for, but it’s possible you may start to feel better if you got the anxiety under control.

You may also worry and catastrophise less about your baby.

Sounds like you have PND, OP.

Hi OP, sounds like you've been through it!

I have 2 asd children, my youngest was diagnosed very young, goes to an sen school etc so it was quite obvious early on.
He was holding his head almost as soon as he flew out, he was the most perfect baby.
His NT brother was the polar opposite. I was convinced he had issues with hearing or sight, turns out I just pissed him off a bit and he wanted to chill a bit.
It's so easy to worry about baby's, please don't. Worrying won't change the outcome and he'll always be perfect to you, asd or not.
I hope you get lots of love and support, this has been an awful time for you and your MH must have taken a battering.
I hope the best for your baby, he is very loved and you sound a great mum x

My DC as a baby was similar, plus never stopped crying, now grown up and happy and very successful.

Can I ask what makes you think you have a neurological disorder ?

I was exactly the same after IVF, OP it's normal. See your GP or health visitor if you have any developmental worries and talk them and to your IVF clinic about counselling. It's tough but if you went through all that heartbreak before your pregnancy it is bound to have an effect on you. You have shown so much resilience OP, don't stop now. You've got this

I've sent you a PM x

Babies develop at different rates, your baby sounds fine to me.
I think you’ve had a very difficult time and you are stressed out by it all, understandably. 💐

My boy does this and he wasn’t an IVF baby. ASD does cross my mind but I figure I have the rest of his life to worry about him so I’m managed to put that to one side and enjoy him whilst he’s still little. I don’t want to look back and realise I spent the baby years worrying about what his later childhood/adulthood would look like. He’s a bit older than your baby and I did find he got happier as he got older and could do more things himself. Up until about 8 months he just hated life 🤣

Best of luck with your tests ❤️

. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding.

All perfectly common and normal baby behaviour. There is a HUGE variation in normal physical, emotional and mental development. Ask any mum here with more than one child; same parents, same womb, same home environment; different rate of development. Different natures, different behaviour.

You waited such a long time and fought such a hard path to create a baby, you spent those years focussed on imagining your miracle dream child. No baby could ever live up to that dream. There are no ideal perfect people . He is just being a proper real baby. You are being a proper real mother; warts and all.

I think you're in such a state waiting for your own health diagnosis, you've fallen back into the old habits of fear, despair and catastrophising that you lived with when you were desperate to conceive. If that rings a bell, then try to speak to that old self as you were then, and tell her this ;

"Don't give up hope yet. Wait and see. You're being tested hard, but you're stronger than you think. ".

Hey OP no two babies are the same. Some develop earlier/later than others. I convinced myself I had an autistic DS at 7 months because the online articles told me I did. Even as he turned 1. But now he is nearly 2 he is so bubbly, picking up words and even responds to his name (something he wasn’t doing until recently and according to online articles it has to happen at 10 months!). So I would give the articles a rest, focus on developing his skills and they will join with other children at their own pace.

Hi OP. What tests are you undergoing, what are your symptoms?

I have been through tests after I developed neurological symptoms. I was scared I had MS. It was actually my anxiety and health anxiety causing the symptoms in the first place, then of course it was a downwards spiral from there. Your mindset and where you are with your thinking sounds so incredibly similar to mine at the time.

Hoping for the best for you.

How old is he?

Please google infant reflexes not going dormant or primative reflexes not going dormant - very commonly a difficult birth is at fault and results in baby not going through some mile stones and creating autistic traits. Happened to my son who was diagnosed borderline autistic at 5 and then at 10 went through the brushing process to get his reflexes to go dormant and then at 12 we were told no signs of autism anymore.
Also please see a cranial oesto that will help him too.

The diagnosis for MND, if that is the pathway you are on, is not that prolonged. Do you have serious reason to suspect you have it? How far through diagnosis have you got? If you/doctors do seriously suspect it, then your entire world must be shaking to its foundations. I know this path, and I send you all thoughts and strength.

Please just pause for a moment on the worry about your son. He's still very young so everything and nothing is normal at the moment. He's discovering there's a world beyond your immediacy and processing that. Right now he's healthy, loved and being well cared for. That's honestly all he needs for now.

Right now you need to focus on your health. If the neuro teams are investigating MND that must be a huge worry. My dad had MND, so whilst I don't appreciate first hand how you're feeling, I can truly imagine the scenarios you're building in your head because I built every one imaginable when dad was diagnosed. I will say this, MND is cruel, there's no doubting that but there are some incredible stories of hope out there where people have led fulfilling lives much longer than expected. Plus the advances with research have already made one major breakthrough for a small number of patients, we can realistically hope for more in the future.

Please reach out and ask for counselling support. You need extra help right now to see through the fog of worry that is surrounding you. Also share how you're feeling with your husband.

Ultimately though, if your son wasn't meant to be here, he wouldn't be. Deep down you know that too so please stop beating yourself up for actively making him exist through IVF.

Sending you best wishes

I went through all sorts of horrible feelings after having IVF, that I had cheated nature and wasn’t supposed to have a baby etc. it’s such a stressful process that I think it’s natural to feel anxious and unhappy afterwards, even when you’ve eventually had a positive outcome. I had a lot of support from the perinatal mental health team - I would definitely recommend speaking to your health visitor or GP, they should be able to refer you.

Op just adding another reassuring voice to the others here - we had DD after a 5 year ivf journey and really went through the mill; she was prem, spent a week in nicu, has a severe (undiagnosed) tongue tie and mild hip dysplasia which meant 2 months in a harness to sort the hip socket.

I also had severe postnatal anxiety mostly linked to her traumatic arrival and my failure to breastfeed. I spent her whole first year OBSESSED with her meeting milestones, being underweight, constantly comparing her to other babies and worrying we’d messed up in some way.

Now she’s a happy, healthy, tall 4 year old who is super talkative and never stops moving.

I promise this is your anxiety and trauma talking - give yourself a hug, take a deep breath and maybe ask for some help for your gp or speak to your DH?

Sending a hand hold and 💐