To feel like I regret IVF....

[Wobblyheart]

Hi everyone,

I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement.

I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone.

what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy.

my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months.

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD.

meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives.

i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally.

if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

I have full sympathy for the difficult emotional place you're in right now, but you're getting pretty offensive now to those of us who are trying to kindly offer you lived experience of the 'difficult life with so much sadness' you're envisioning. My family life is perfectly happy, thanks. Certainly the 'social and intellectual bond' and 'cerebral connection' looks different in my house but to assume it must look a certain way to be worthy to you is pretty ableist. Eye contact and conversation isn't the be all and end all of affection.
Your kid might be neurotypical and hate board games, and travel, and hate cuddles, and not want anything to do with art and film. Regardless of neurotype you're raising an independent, individual human.

Hi there! I'm sorry you're suspecting autism in your LO. I know a lot of people are saying there are no signs of autism in early infancy which is actually not true and I still resent people who brushed me off with this even with my second DC when I was already very much educated on the topic.
But it's not the twirling or shaking which are specific to autism but the social and communication development, and most people with typical kids wouldn't even notice these milestones because they're a bit more invisible compared to motor milestones.
There's a sibling study where they looked at children with high risk for autism, and was following them until an asd screening at 3 and they found some commun flags.
By 9-10 months the first social milestones must appear such as: 3 points gaze, back and forth interactions, and at least the gesture of raising hands to be picked up. This means that it's not the quantity of eye contact which matters but if the baby seems aware that your facial expressions worth checking . I think it's so hard to miss when a baby has this ability! And if one has it it almost excludes autism.
I hope it helps you a bit. I really commisarate with you, because I've been throught this twice and was dismissed and shamed both times. :( But I really wish your baby is just being high maintenance and that's all. ASD is ... Hard.

Don't shame her pls. It hurts me.

@UsefulZombie I am so sorry I have caused offence, especially after your kind message. I apologise for that, and to everyone else who has been so supportive. I have very little experience with disabilities and coming from the place
of ignorance.

I really appreciate that. Please listen to the lived experience on this thread, let it reassure you as much as your anxiety will allow. You will figure it out and be the parent your child needs, however things shake out. Wishing you and your family all the best x

Your anxiety, I think, needs the most major focus for treatment right now. I think that it is clouding and shaping and leading your thoughts on everything, and making you worry and catastrophise about all kinds of things when you shouldn't.

And what stood out to me was 'my DH doesn't deserve this'. What about you? Aren't you important?

OP
I had post natal depression / anxiety after an IVF pregnancy. I think it's probably all linked to the pressure of getting pregnant in the first place and then being anxious through the pregnancy itself.
Look after yourself and get any help offered by health worker / GP. Take care.

By 9-10 months the first social milestones must appear such as: 3 points gaze, back and forth interactions, and at least the gesture of raising hands to be picked up.

My first didn't raise her hands to be picked up until she was 18 months and already walking! No disability whatsoever. Just who she is. These checklists are just not helpful unless done in context.

After both my babies I had extreme anxiety, more so with my second. I had a full on breakdown and have been taking 100mg of sertraline which has saved me and taken it away. Could your medicine be upped/ used in combination with another? To me a lot of the things you're describing is exactly what I would do. Constantly worry about babies development, and worry about my own health. It was truly an awful time. I also felt so unwell after the birth of each baby, particularly the first year after birth. I had a 5 year age gap and I'm currently 6 months pp and experiencing it all again. Muscle weakness, dizziness, fatigue, heavy lead feeling. I have had many tests but I think it's just how my body reacts to pregnancy/ hormones. Sending you so much comfort xx

I wonder if all the hormones used for ivf also have an effect?

@Isthisexpected well you picked one thing out your DC didn't do while my DCs didn't have any of the listed skills, and yes, that's the difference.
But yes I was not accurate, first gesture must not be raising up hands but it van be anything else.

@fourlambbhunas that was suggested to me as a possibility at the time but no definite answer

So much worry op I hope it gets easier. Please do let us know xx

Right, deep breath, I went through infertility and as my user name implies I wasn't successful, what you are going through, without sounding too harsh sounds like ' Life'. I actually feel a bit guilty at my age , mid fifties for being free of the worries of kids and grandkids , so many of my friends are bogged down with it. But still we're meant to think as women that children are the be all and end all. I'm so happy, right now, however I did lose a LOT of friends because I didn't fit into the narrative. Your life is what it is now, live in the moment that's all you can do.

Bless you OP, I hope you get some reassurance soon 🙏 💕.

Hi OP!

it’s funny you mention the hand twirling etc

im 38 and was watching a video my dad took of me (on a hired camcorder!) in 1986 on my first birthday. My hand and feet twirling is off the charts - super noticeable and I don’t have autism or any neuro divergences.

I know it probably won’t help much but hopefully all these little stories put your mind at rest a little bit

Your post has really resonated with me. I had 3 miscarriages and then went on to have a son. Shortly after his birth i began suffering from extreme double vision, exhaustion and muscle weakness in my arms and legs. After many tests, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called Myasthenia Gravis. My son is now 13 and himself has Tourettes. I can completely understand your feelings and it must be a really stressful period for you at present. Diagnosis and treatment really helped me and I hope you manage to get some answers from your tests soon. I knew my son was different even when he was a small baby. He was constantly on the move and I just knew that he would have challenges ahead of him. He is now 13 and thriving. Sending you a big hug x

I’ve felt like this too, ivf baby through lockdown after years of ttc
now being refered for suspected autism and I always feel guilty

.

@fourlambbhunas thank you for your message. I actually feel slightly better, not nowhere near my prelregnancy self but there has been an improvement. My periods restarted recently and there has t been enough cycles to properly analyse this but I have felt worst right before and during period so likely my health issues are a mixture of stress, hormones, deconditioning and lack of sleep / rest.

@Hesxboon thank you for sharing that. I so sorry you are going through this. I also just filled with guilt. Thinking what did I do wrong, i was really good with taking contamination during pregnancy but was really patchy in lead up to egg collection so worried that I didn’t have enough folate. I also wonder whether I could be on the spectrum myself and whether it’s genetic. I don’t think I am but I totally feel like all of issues is somehow because of my poor health or broken body. It’s freaking hard. How old is you LO? xx

Hi @ExhaustedMuch i was just revisiting this thread and was thinking of you. How are you doing now? X

Hi @Wobblyheart, thanks for dropping me a line. I am much the same, really. I saw a rheumatologist, who said it is not rheumatic. I saw an immunologist, who ran lots of tests and said they were clear (but also that autoimmune diseases often hide - I am actually seeing her again this month). I am waiting to see a neurologist at the end of the month as both the rheumatologist and immunologist said it could be neurological. But I am still getting ill. I was ill all summer with a cold and sinusitis that I could not shift (at least, I think it was sinusitis). I felt better for three days and have now been hit with another cold. This is on the back of a winter where I was barely well: flu, HFM disease, RSV, Strep A...I am really struggling. It is just so exhausting keeping going when you feel like rubbish all the time. And nobody understands - people have no patience for it, think you must be putting it on etc.

How are you?

How are you both @Wobblyheart x