To feel like I regret IVF....

[Wobblyheart]

Hi everyone,

I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement.

I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone.

what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy.

my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months.

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD.

meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives.

i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally.

if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

I'm so sorry things aren't going well. I had a lot of problems after the birth of my youngest child. I had repeated threatened miscarriages and someone said, "It's nature's way when there is something wrong with the baby." I became fixated on the baby having serious problems. He was born big and healthy but I was convinced he had Down's and if I saw midwives talking on the ward I was convinced they were discussing his "condition." He was fine and I gradually realised that.

Meanwhile I had developed problems with my legs when I was pregnant and it was just put down to pressure from baby but it didn't get better. MS was suspected and I was admitted to a neurological hospital but didn't get any answers. Because of pushing from a friend I went to a chiropractor, at the end of the session I stood up and was amazed that my legs felt normal. I was ecstatic but the chiropractor warned me it was temporary, I would need ongoing treatment to train everything back into place. I saw her 3 times a week, then down to twice a week, then once a week and eventually went a month without treatment and was then discharged.

When I told my doctor what had happened he said he couldn't explain it, it didn't make much sense to him but he didn't care and said as long as I felt OK what did it matter.

I'm not saying a chiropractor would be right for you, what I am saying is sometimes pregnancy and childbirth does weird and wonderful things to us and it can work out OK in the end. I hope it does for you.

Huge hugs op. As others have said I'm not sure everything you describe isn't normal. Has your health visitors raised any concerns? If not try not to worry..having said that I too have worried with both kids about each and every milestone and everything they did. I still do especially with the younger one and mine are six and almost two. So worrying is also fairly normal I think.

You've had a a very difficult journey to get here and it was fraught with problems on the way. Maybe your brain is still in crisis mode?

I can relate a little bit. I haven't had IVF but I'm an older mum and every tiny little thing that Ds does I worry if it's because of my age when he was conceived. I'm also more on the lookout for problems than what I was with DD.

I also want to add op that whatever happens with your child you have not ruined anyone's life, certainly not your child's or your husband's. You are all on this journey together.

Best of luck with your own health as well. I hope you'll get some answers soon.

Six months is very young to be concerned about Autism and I say this as the parent of a severely autistic son who.at near!y 13 is totally non verbal and goes to a special school for children with severe and profound learning disabilities, there were no.obvious concerns at six months the with my son ,this be started becoming more apparent from around 12-18 months
Speak to.the health visitor ,they can keep.an eye on your sons development ,and make any referrals,should they be necessary .

Well its a huge spectrum and you can't generalise .

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding.

^^ All of this sounds Completely normal, honestly this describes both of how my kids were at that age and they are completely fine now. However your worries and anxiety also describe me perfectly at time too, I had the exact same anxiety about their development (especially my first). It really took a toll on my and kept me awake for many nights/months worrying. I found contacting my HV or GP really helpful, talk through your concerns and get your mind out at rest ❤️ honestly that’s the only thing that helped me. Your HV and GP are there for those reasons, don’t ever feel like you can’t air your concerns to them. I promise it will help. X
Im so sorry to hear you are going through your own health difficulties, please mind yourself too and visit your GP for yourself also x

Oh OP gosh I feel for you. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. Both my kids are IVF babies and their genetics are what they are. I wouldn’t change either of them. My youngest has ADD and anxiety but she is so awesome. You will never meet a more wonderful soul. I don’t know if there is any issue with your little one, but trust your mother’s instincts and seek out support and diagnosis if you think you need to. Look after yourself too. You need to be ok.

Hi everyone, I just thought I would come and update a bit , though it’s hard to call it an update - we are both very much in the see and wait territory.

as to me, I have seen two neurologists, who said it’s not MND, no other muscle diseases and not miasthenia gravis. My standard autoimmune tests are all normal. GP gave me prescription for iron supplement - that did not help. I am not better and worse if anything. I am on antianxiety medication and although generally I am calmer I am still very depressed. Mostly because I have no answers and because things with baby development continue to worry me.

to start with, it seemed like things were improving for my LO - he was giving more eye contact, became a bit more smiley, started saying babababa dadadadada, sat up around 8 months (although still falls) and just got his first tooth and started crawling commando style (but only engaging hands).

however other things I was worried about did not go away and became more pronounced If anything:

• Doesn’t always smile back
• Rarely respond to name
• Doesn’t copy / imitate
• doesnt hold his milk bottle
• Babbles and smiles at objects / to himself but not in response to me so no back any forth babbling
• also his babbling is repetitive and monotone
• Swirling hands and feet - constant need for movement. Especially when hi sits in a play chair or on someone - he sort of puts his arms out and up (like a scarecrow lol and starts twirling his wrists), stretches out legs and twirls his feet and wiggles toes , does it pretty much all the time, people commenting “he always needs to be on the go”, “can’t sit still” etc. if he is not sitting he will be flapping hands and / or arms or rubbing feet together or against something pr hitting things
• Stiffens / tenses arms and legs and grunts
• Tongue protruding most of the time
• Grumpy easily and gets very frustrated easily and with everything, especially if I remove things he should not be playing with
• Wakes up every couple of hours / can’t sleep alone so we co-sleep
• Need for sensory input -all the time squeezing, touching, rubbing, sucking constant, chews and sucks on my arm / shoulder / hand
• No sustained eye contact - he will look at me when I sing to him or work hard to entertain him or from a distance and will half of the time smile but then will turn away quickly
• no standing / standing on toes / not interested in jumperoo
• Difficulty in weaning - dislikes purée texture / gags/ vomitted once , but likes eating paper
• Hard to engage playing with toys - interested in labels /zips / tassels, with toys mostly violently bashes them
• Does not smile at himself in a mirror - would rather look at me than himself, smiles at objects more than people
• Often rubs his face as if tired but def not tired (I.e. just had a long nap and bottle), my mother in law always comments on this
• Short attention span
• Not much interest in toys / does not enjoy peekaboo much / gets bored of it quickly but likes when I blow bubbles for him as “ready steady go”
• quickly loses interest in old toys and prefers non toy objects - shoes / mugs / etc
• throws himself backwards arching his back and throwing his head back when frustrated / bored / upset

I know I have a major anxiety now but I just feel that something is off and he is very very different to other babies in our NCT group. I also filmed his legs / arms/ twirling / flapping and showed to two of my
ftiends who have three kids each, both of them said it was odd and that their children did not do it.

HV has been out and he scored sort of borderline on a couple of areas but she said she is not concerned and to see how he is in a couple of months.

So this is us for now. I also just wanted to say thank you for everyone who responded before, I have been rereading the replies. I am scared that I will not cope with difficulties and that because he has so many red flags and strange behaviours at 8,5 months old if it turned out to be asd it will be on a severe end of the spectrum .

Oh @Wobblyheart I’m sorry to hear that you’re still so worried.

The twirling could be stimming. Trust your gut and keep notes of these behaviours that concern you. He will be due a check with the HV around 12 months when you can raise your concerns again.

It’s OK to worry that you won’t cope if your child turns out to be neurodivergent. I think the only way to get through it is to take each age and stage at a time, and not dwell too much on the future and unknowns 💐

All babies are different, I had 4 and what one did early another did late, one was very very very grumpy, one was a ray of sunshine and the other two were a bit of both. Maybe your little one will have some issues to deal with but equally he may be fine and it will all even out, either way worrying won't change anything.

I'd say try to just enjoy him for who he is and when he has his next checks you will get more of an idea about how things are. I know that is easier said than done but if it is what you are aiming for it will help even if you don't get there 100%.

It sounds like the neurologists have rules out some pretty bad stuff for you, don't underestimate how bad anxiety and depression can affect you physically. I hope you are getting lots of help and support. Good luck and I hope things improve in the coming months.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I have a 3yo and a 4mo. They are all really different, and I wouldn't be too worried by what you describe in your son. My dd didn't respond to her name for the longest time and only started crawling at 11 months (backwards 🤦‍♀️). And I've never seen a baby really interested in toys over just everyday objects!

Tbh both of my two did/do the things you're concerned about.

I do hope you get a diagnosis for yourself soon.

I’m sorry you’ve had a difficult time.
my eldest I knew something was wrong from very early on and no one listened. He’s probably ASD but I’ve not yet had him assessed. It was even more obvious when my second was born as she did everything she was supposed to when she was supposed to.
It is difficult as times as he’s behind in the social/emotional side but fine academically. There have been eating speaking etc issues as well but mostly overcome.
I hope you get a diagnosis soon. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis shortly after my second was born and I know it’s a very stressful time.

Sorry OP, but I wish more people realised that having children has almost no up side.

It's NOT like the movies. It's just a biological urge, it makes zero logical sense, and if people were honest, they would admit that having children didn't improve their lives in any way.

BUT, what's done is done, what you have to do now is face up to the reality. Plan for the worst, then, anything better is a bonus.

Hi
So so sorry ! I have not been back in touch since we last messaged. Life just kind of got in the way and I forgot to come back on but got a notification on this.
It is so strange that our babies are so so similar. Genuinely every single thing on your list are the concerns I have about my son. Every single one. I honestly could have wrote this. Quite creepy lol ! Even questioning in my mind if this is a family member writing this about my own son if it werent for your unfortunate medical situation for yourself.
Massive hugs. I have not been able to quel the anxiety either. However we see a paediatrician for a non related issue and she commented on how well he was doing developmentally. I was totally taken aback and like really? I have been so concerned about x y and z and she was surprised and said only short interactions with him but can see how interested he is in things etc and that she thinks he seems great. This really put my mind at rest even though she has only seen him for a short time.
My son also does this strange thing where he rocks back and forward a bit rubbing his ears. It reminds me of an older child with autism and like I can picture it in the future almost.
However, I've started trying to reassure myself that babies probably seek sensory and self soothing/stimming behaviours because they are babies and cant talk etc and maybe he will grow out them. He also rarely rarely babbles. I was absolutely delighted when only last week he started saying babababa but same as you it is very random and not in response to me. If i try babbling back he looks at me like I have horns then very quickly moves on to something else
So hope you can enjoy your boy a bit more. I told you about how miserable my boy is which is much the same but has improved somewhat since his movement had got a bit better. He is still very grumpy. I know your boy is still somewhat limited with his movement so maybe it is just frustration that they cant do things and that's why they seek more sensory input. I could also be talking rubbish but it's the only thing I tell myself to try and make myself feel better about my own son.
Really hope you can get some peace with it soon. It is torture and so horrible to live with anxiety and ofcourse we want to enjoy our babies when they are so little but it's so so hard when this stuff seems so in your face. especially comparing to other babies

@Vespaa hi :)! So good to hear from you, I was thinking about you and was planning to message but you beat me to it. Thank you for your post, the point about being your relative in disguise made me smile. That would be a hell of a cover hahah

i am so so sorry you also still have worries. I feel sorry that we are both growing through this especially after such a difficult path to having a baby.

Does your little one also stim? I.e. twirls / rotates wrists? Mine does very similar (almost identical) to this video - when I saw it I got quite heartbroken https://m.youtube.com/shorts/81BdRQm-rhw?feature=share

at points I feel that I will find the strength and will cope no matter what but mostly I am in despair. I don’t think I would be able to have another baby and I am also so sad about the potential that my little baby might have a difficult life. Just sucks.

I am also the only person in both mine and my partners family so he is a very long awaited grandchild and I am already feeling like I have let everyone down and that I ruined my husbands life as he could have had a life with someone healthier.

pass me the whiskey bottle please!

I also almost cried yesterday as he is refusing any food apart from buiscuits and corn puffs - purées make him gag and vomit, same with solid fruit and veg.

@Vespaa did you talk to a HV or a GP about your boy? Xx

According to that link my 4 are all likely to be autistic but they aren't, one of them stimmed much more than the child in that link. Two of them were nightmares with food. That doesn't prove everything is OK with your little one any more than the link proves there is.

Please stop looking at things like that, talk to your HV and doctor. Dr Google is often damaging in my experience.

I know ! I promise you you're not alone with this. Everything you write is exactly my feelings and I know it doesnt make anything better for your situation but I promise it sounds completely identical to my own except you have the added stress of your own medical issues. Also so glad they didnt think it was any serious neurological issue. At least that is one weight off your mind.

The video is identical to what my son does also. I have seen similar videos and had the same gut wrenching feeling you describe and then thought why am I doing this to myself constantly. My friends daughter also does a similar thing so that helped put my mind at rest slightly. Everything I look is almost to try and confirm my own diagnosis of my son and like I said previously always focusing on the areas of concern rather than any positives which is sad. I told my health visitor my concerns and she scoffed a bit and said he is fine even though I answered the stage questionnaire accurately and he scored very low on the communication and slightly low on gross motor skills. I felt from the first 10secinds I met my health visitor she had written me off tbh and was never going to listen to anything I said so I dont really take comfort in anything she says but definetely took comfort in the paediatrician saying he appeared great developmentally.
Have you seen your health visitor or GP?

My son is terrible with weaning. I have cried numerous times with frustration with it all. He cries all the time in the high chair and makes a grunting frustrated noise as if distracted by everything else and starts turning round in the high chair playing with straps etc and cries if I approach him with the spoon or put down any finger foods that are not those melty puff things or watermelon for some reason. He will touch things and instantly cry which makes me think of older children with autism becoming overwhelmed with textures etc. I've tried my best to do things as "right" as possible. Making everything from scratch etc (which is difficult when your baby is extremely grumpy) only to throw it all in the bin constantly. I have noticed he accepts the Ella's kitchen pouches the most but then feel terrible when I give him them like I am taking a lazy option or something and making things worse. Dont know if you have tried anything like that. I remember you saying your son had a tongue tie and I've read a lot of things that tongue tie can cause issues with weaning and hoping this is the case or he is just very fussy

But all the concerns seem to just mount and mount and either looking too much into everything or it is something like autism. The not knowing is the most frustrating part to me.

I can guarantee your husband does not think that at all and will just want you to be happy and enjoy your son. I also bet he is your families pride and joy. They will likely have not thought a single thing about these things. I always feel nervous around my family thinking that they are looking at my son wondering what is wrong with him but they most likely arent and it is just the anxiety talking because it is out child and we notice every little thing about them
I have had so many arguements with my partner about this and the last one seems to have made a difference for us going forward. He has stopped dismissing me for saying my autism concerns and I have stopped being hysterical outwardly about everything he does that seems strange even though inside I am a bit concerned. Trying to fake it until I make it a bit.

I also share the same thoughts about another child. I always wanted 2 close together if it was possible and if I was so lucky but now with my concerns I start to doubt I would cope with the anxiety of it all and it makes me sad. I also have had really horrible thoughts that made me cry for my poor son because i thought maybe if i had another i would get the "normal" experience as felt I'd missed out on a lot of things I thought motherhood was like. But I know how ridiculous that is and that they are all individuals and feel so guilty for even thinking this. I frequently look over at mums in cafes etc getting lots of eye contact and smiles etc from their baby and feel a sort of mourning but then feel so so guilty for my poor son that I am having these thoughts. Think we just need to fake that everything is fine until anything definitive happens and hopefully along the way it will just start to come naturally.

Thanks for this ! It has really reassured me

And hopefully op aswell

Also sorry for my terrible grammar etc. Typing fast with naps etc

Sounds exactly like our som at that age. He was awful at being a baby! Got easier with every milestone (usually late!) that he met.

He's now very much an intelligent, thoughtful nt child with no special needs at all.

You've been through alot. You need to try and stop overthinking everything and enjoy your baby.

He's 6 months btw!

Of course he's still finding his feet with eating...

Our second was massively fussy, didn't talk until 2. Again, turned no autism.

Babies haven't read the manual about what they should be doing and when, they're just trucking along learning things.

Please stop overthinking everything.

Gosh I think most babies flap their hands when they’re excited don’t they?! Same for food fussiness.

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time OP, I haven’t read the whole thread in detail but I think I have the gist. You are doing an awful lot of ruminating and it’s not going to be helping an already difficult situation.

See your GP about medication - it’s worth trying short term, and about CBT. I would consider swapping counselling for CBT, I don’t think just talking is going to be helpful for you at this point, you need to work on reframing your thoughts.

And on that note, please stay away from Dr YouTube - the mother posting that video is just talking about her own experience.

Kindly OP, I think you have to start helping yourself by setting some boundaries in what your consume and in managing your thought processes.

I really am sorry you are having a rough time, but you need to work on not just giving into your thoughts and following them down rabbit holes. You will need help to do this so please get that help.

@Wobblyheart have you seen an endocrinologist? My sister had almost identical symptoms and also had trouble conceiving. Her muscles were weak and twitching, she had constant tingling in her hands and feet and was constantly exhausted and worried. Months of scans and normal tests showed no problem but all DRs agreed something wasn’t right.
Turned out to be a hormonal imbalance which was resolved with medicine and supplements and she is a different person now

My baby is now 8,5 months and my concern is that he does not only do it when excited, he does it a LOT - like most of the time if he is bored / overstimulated/ excited / just sitting there …. And it’s not just the ordinary claps - I have attached a video of him doing it. Plus other ‘red flags’ that’s why I am so worried.