To feel like I regret IVF....

[Wobblyheart]

Hi everyone,

I am posting here for traffic because I am feeling so hopeless and sad. I haven’t got family or close friends near and i would appreciate any words of encouragement.

I am 36 years old and we wanted a baby for a very long time - been married since I was 27 and actively trying since I was 30. It was just not working. I would never ever had a pregnancy, be it chemical or miscarriage. We tried ivf and the two first attempts were unsuccessfull with BFN. The process was so drawn out because of the pandemic and it made things very difficult. I have the most amazing husband in the world and he wanted a baby so much I always felt like I was broken (both our labs were fine but my body just wasn’t getting pregnant). I was so surprised and happy when for the first time in my life I saw double lines after our third ivf attempt. I had a different protocol then with more progesterone.

what followed next was an extremely anxious pregnancy, slight issues with baby’s kidney was found on 20 week scan, then stalled growth, then reduced movements, then dramatic birth where there were some concerns about oxygen but the doctor reassured us they were not concerned after doing checks. Strange things started to happen to my health too but I blamed it all on pregnancy.

my beautiful boy was born, and the moment they put him on me for feeding changed my world forever. It was the most magical and happy day of my life. First couple weeks were a bliss. After that postnatal anxiety took hold and my physical health deteriorated considerably in the next following months.

fastforward to now, I have serious concerns about my baby’s development. He was late to hold his head - only started doing it around 4-5 months, and now at 6 months his social skills seem to deteriorate. He gives very limited eye contact, turns away from me and other people, does not always respond with a smile, it’s hard to get his attention. He seems to get frustrated with everything very easily. Terrible sleeper, does not get upset if I leave him and walk out from the room. Makes lots of sounds / screams bu not at me but just sort of in his own world. Constantly needs to move, slaps and flaps his hands, feet, squeezes and scratches everything all the time, even when feeding. I read similar posts on here and was disheartened how many times children with these traits went on to be diagnosed with ASD.

meanwhile, I am currently awaiting testing for a potential MND/ neurological disease and really worry that our life can change very dramatically. My husband does not deserve it. My heart is breaking for my son, I am worried about a difficult and terminal illness. And my mind can’t stop but race and think .... did we do a right thing doing ivf. Did we go against the nature and I was never meant to have a child? Did I bring more suffering to this world? My beautiful boy is just so innocent and he is the most bonny baby, and I feel like I might have potentially ruined his and my husbands lives.

i know nothing has been confirmed yet but I am on the verge and really struggling, both physically and mentally.

if anyone has been through something similar, I would appreciate if they reached out. Any positive stories would be very welcomed so I can retain at least some hope and not just sink deeper into the dark abyss.

I meant to say ‘flaps’ not ‘claps’, you can hear him grunting in the video too :(

I had a very traumatic time with number 2. Awful pregnancy and awful delivery. My son didn’t sleep, constantly screaming - I hadn’t known I was pregnant when I went through some medical tests and was convinced this had a part and also other issues.

fast forward 10 years, he is a sweet, lovely, funny boy extremely quirky and kind and bright.

some babies reach mile stones later because of difficulty such as ASD but some just are late.

if you have any concerns speak to a consultant paediatrician

for you - I feel sometimes the stress of being a parent and the worries we have is brushed under the pnd barrier - have you thought about some counselling to try through your worries and how you process them?

Awww his little toes ! He looks so cute ! This is exactly what my son does and the grunting noise although I would say both have now lessened a lot since he has become a bit more mobile. He is not crawling but making more attempts and reaching for things etc. I think my son is about a month older than yours. He used to make that grunting noise constantly and people always thought he was straining to do a poo or something. I kept thinking he was going to hurt his throat because he did it so frequently but he definetely does it markedly less now and dont know if some of it is frustration or not knowing how to work their little bodies or something. He twirls his hands and feet in the exact same manner. I have noticed as he starts to have more varied facial expressions etc that some of it is excitement or wanting an object or wanting to go somewhere that he cant get to which before just seemed so random and like he was kind of aimlessly doing it which seemed more concerning but maybe just didnt have the facial expression/communication methods to show that before if you get what I mean. Things have definetely improved, although as I say I still have my concerns. I'm hoping you will be saying the same in a months time.

Obviously I share the same concerns as you so I cant give you total reassurance but I have definetely relaxed a bit as some of the things have improved slightly and really hoping that is the same for you. We also have the same jumperoo!

My two used to do that with toes and I called it happy feet. To me it was a sign they were excited happy. My daughter had a dreadful time weaning. I’d see friends babies chomping down on bananas and eating cottage pie with gusto and my girl would clamp her mouth shut.

My son gagged loads with texture.

My daughter was quite a serious baby and sometimes would just squeal continuously.

My kids are 14 and 12 now. No concerns at all.

My advice would be to get done counselling.

Maybe there is trauma from IVF and your own health worries to deal with. Getting yourself in the best position mentally is a win win situation.

If all is well with your darling boy you will be in the best place to enjoy and support him. If he does have additional needs you will be in the best place to enjoy and support him.

Worry does come hand in hand with being a parent. It shouldn’t be the overriding emotion though. X

Thanks for everyone’s replies….. I am thankful for all messages. I am however going deeper into despair. My lo also has a flat nasal bridge and epicantal folds and before I thought it was just his face (he is incredibly cute) but now I have also seen that it can be associated with autism and learning difficulties.

I need to find a way how to function - the future terrifies me. I am so overwhelmed. I think people are right I need to stay away from the Google and possibly mumsnet as well. My obsession with searching and asking others is around having stories
of hope but I can see and know in my
gut he is vastly different to other babies. I don’t know how I will find a way to cope. I will try and update in time.

Thanks again for everyone who tried to
support me, you are so kind and helped me through the last few months.

I think you need to go and see your doctor this is medical anxiety and you’re laying the issues of your fears at your child’s feet. Either he is autistic or not won’t change who he is, you panicking and obsessing and digging deeper and deeper into what if it’s helping you be the best version of you that you can be.

None of my 3 babies held their heads up totally until 7 months. They were all big.

When you wrote this did you honestly thing it was serving a purpose to be helpful and supportive or was it more to be condescending and superior?
My mind is baffled by people like yourself. The poster had quite clearly said she has anxiety and looking for reassurance. It is very brave to post a video of your child on a forum and would only be doing it if she had genuine concerns. How about just saying you think it looks normal and it could be anxiety making you feel this way if that's what you think. Adding the stupid "regretting precious years with your boy" is just going to make her feel shitty. There is nobody who more wants to enjoy their baby than their mother. Seeking reassurance is a way of trying to cope and do that
So patronising!

@Vespaa

She's been told several times, including by myself that what's she's describing is very much normal,and that she should seek help for her anxiety.

Her subsequent response (months later) shows that her anxieties are worsening if anything.

I feel for her, I really do but she needs to seek help. It isn't healthy for her or her son.

What an awful post. Regardless of the reality of the situation, the OP is in hell and doesn’t need vile responses like this. If you’re so bothered by this thread, just go elsewhere.

Most of all, you are wrong to say that the OP’s child sounds “normal”. You do not know that. No one knows one way or the other. He could be “normal”, but equally he could have an as-yet-undiagnosed issue.

Those of us with autistic children (or other developmental disabilities) can tell countless stories about being gaslit by everyone we meet. Friends, family, early years professionals all desperately saying “normal” even though that wasn’t the case. Making mothers (it’s always the mothers) doubt their instincts.

Hi OP so sorry for what you are going through
My daughter is 14 and was very developmentally delayed which I struggled with as I knew something wasn't right. And my friends babies so obviously hitting milestones. She didn't walk until 3 talk until 4 (though she talks incessantly now haha). She had oxygen deprivation at birth.She is autistic, has a learning disability and attends an SEN school. It's not been easy but she's happy and healthy and I love her for whom she is. She loves music, drama and has a wicked sense of humour. She will always need support but her challenging behaviour has improved so much.
What I'm saying is having been through this, it's bloody hard I can relate but enjoy your baby for whom they are, all babies are different. It won't change how much you love baby. Don't google, live in the moment. I regret worrying so much. I still worry now about her future now in different ways.

I haven’t read TFT but I have read the first and last couple of your posts OP. I don’t know if your child has any issues and none of us do because presumably we’ve never met them but sounds like you’re thinking LD / ASD.

Rather than comment on whether they have or haven’t (sounds like that’s been done to death), I want to let you know that even if they do, it’s OK. It’s not the end of the world, they might process the world differently from someone who is neurotypical but that’s OK. They will have strengths and weaknesses just like everyone else. They will still be your wonderful child. I say this as the mum of a (no grown up kid) with complex needs including LD and ASD.

Oh sorry, didn't realise YOU said it was fine. Maybe the poster doesn't know that only things you deem to be acceptable are things to be concerned about.
The poster has valid concerns and diminishing them does not help someone become unconcerned. Your diagnosis doesnt mean anything. Hopefully her lovely boy is absolutely fine and the worrying was for nothing
I'm sure the poster would rather this was the outcome than the alternative. Making her out to be hysterical over nothing is very dismissive.
Ofcourse seeking support for anxiety will help manage her own feelings but doesnt take away any of her concerns or make her concerns stupid. Also absolutely no need for you to feel sorry for her beautiful boy. As you have said from the video yourself looks like a lovely, well cared for thriving boy and obviously has a mum who loves him to pieces

I'm not able to comment on if your DS's behaviour is developmentally typical or not because my DS is autistic so I don't have a point of reference. But I just wanted to offer some reassurance if I may that if your child is autistic, it's not a tragedy. My son is an astonishing, glorious little human - he taught himself to read at age 3, he has an incredible memory, and when he's regulated and hyperfocused he finds so much joy and zen in the world around him. We certainly have our challenges as a family and parenting looks different to how I imagined, but I think that's true of all families regardless of neurotype. Whether or not he's autistic doesn't change the fact that he is the baby you know and love. You'll figure it out, but I think a bit of support for your anxiety would be beneficial at the moment too. I really struggle to tolerate uncertainty and I did some CBT to work on that and it did help x

I'm glad it helped you and I do hope it helped the OP. I had repeated threatened miscarriages with one of mine, a "friend" suggested that it meant there was something wrong with the baby. He had a difficult delivery and was bruised and battered and didn't look like my others and I decided he had Down's, not sure why I settled on that but I did. I kept waiting for a HCP to break the news to me and then when they didn't I decided they just hadn't noticed. I held on to that fear for months but he was fine.

Of course some babies do have a condition but at my age I've realised the truth of the old saying, "Don't trouble trouble till trouble troubles you." as it doesn't help anything.

If it helps any more my child who stimmed worse than that video is very successful, has a great career, a very loving partner and a lovely baby. I'm so glad we didn't have the internet back then.

I hope your little one is healthy and happy and the same for the OP's little one.

@Vespaa
The only reason I mentioned I had said ithought he looked normal was because you suggested I should just tell her that I 'think it looks normal and it could be anxiety' and I was letting you know I'd already said it.

I was a bit harsh the way I said it, but as you say, she was looking for reassurance and I wanted to remind her she'd had alot, and wasn't believing any of it. And so should be seeking help with the anxiety.

We all come from our own places and experiences, and I'm not going to reply to you anymore as I don't want to derail the op's thread.

I wish her (and you) all the best.
I just urge her to get help from her doctor or health visitor for her own peace of mind, and the support she deserves.

No. I didnt tell you literally what to write. I gave a basic example of how to make your point without being nasty and condescending. You agree it was harsh and you are more than entitled to your opinion but I just stated I dont understand why you have to come with an attitude that is condescending rather than supportive. As you say we all have different experiences. I'm sure the OP benefited from hearing your experience. Not sure she benefited from being told you feel sorry for her son etc.
Anyway agreed the thread shouldnt be derailed so I wont labour my point any further

OP, he just looks like a happy baby. Try and relax and enjoy him. If there were any worries about a chromosomal disorder (as you mention the nasal bridge and epicanthal folds) this should have been picked by now by by a medical profession.

OP you must seek professional help. If he has ASD or LD you'll be OK. Would it help to assume he does, just for a minute? Think about what that would mean to you. Let your mind be as creative as possible with all the awful what ifs. Would it kill you? Would it kill him? Try and bring yourself back to facts.

Aww love your saying. Will try my best to live by that. You are so right about the internet but once you start it's so hard to stop.
Thanks again. I know this was obviously for o.p but so much reassurance from your words.

I am on medication for anxiety, which has just been reviewed by my GP and I am in contact with perinatal team for therapy. The medication helps but only a bit - it sort of dulls the feelings but the underlying ache and fears are still there.

I have been thinking about what you said about imagining what if. And went through a number of scenarios in my head. From imagining what would it look like in the worst case - profound intellectual disability, constant rocking, vitalisations, stimming, aggression (biting, hitting etc), feaces smearing, seeing how horribly people struggle to care for someone with such a severe disability from accounts of others on mumsnet. I can’t see how anybody would cope with that, it’s such a difficult life with so much sadness.

But even if it wasn’t so severe, I would still grieve the lack of social and intellectual bond with my child. I want my child to look at me, laugh with me, play board games together, going to rides, travelling, I want to learn about science and the world together, have cuddles, discus music, art and film. See them having friendships, relationships, kids.

When I was pregnant and worrying about having child with disability, I knew I would cope if their disability was physical - such as deafness, blindness, CP. Intellectual disability is the one I am really scared of because of the lack of that cerebral connection.

I think this is also why I struggle currently. I am trying so so hard to engage my son interactions, but getting so little back. I sing songs to him, I am teaching him sign language, I read books with him, teach him to play, so funny faces and voices. I got the Hanen book and another book recommended on other threads here about early activities that you can do to promote communication and I am incorporating them in our routine. But he rarely laughs and when he does look at me he does smile sometimes but he quickly glances away. I see it every day. He twirls his hands and feet pretty much all the time and now he started shaking his head kore
and more. And when I put so much effort in getting his engagement and then see this behaviour, pushing me away, slapping me and hitting me, I get very sad.

I had good advice here but every time I am trying to push my worries aside those thoughts get triggered in me so many times a day when I see those behaviours which are consistent and constant.

I do feel like a terrible mother thinking that my son has a disability but I am very perceptive and this is what I observe. My hope is that my anxiety is so bad that I have made wrong conclusions and that I will be proved wrong. There is nothing that I want more.

Op, have you discussed your concerns about your child with your doctor or hv?

You just seem to have high expectations for an 8 month old? Maybe you're right, I dont know for sure- would a professional opinion help at all?

Yes, HV assessed him at our home and he has a couple of grey zones. He is due to reassessment in a few months. It has been a month since they have been but no progress with his communication.

I am seeing a GP in a couple of weeks with my son. Professional opinion would definitely help and I am seeking it.

My DS had lots of the same things as you listed.

He now has a couple of DXs, but he's at school now and in lots of ways he's doing great. You can't predict how things will turn out and you can't change anything by worrying about it.

I would just try to enjoy your child as much as you can, and relax as much as you can. Your child is your child, regardless. I regret being so distracted and depressed about my child's differences and spending all my time analysing every move and behaviour. I understand it can feel all consuming, and hard. But just try to BE.