To think something is failing us

[Cavpoo2023]

Hi all,

I just want some advice. My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, engaged with 2 children. I feel like this relationship is no longer viable or has a heartbeat.

bit of a long story but I don’t want to leave anything out.. our relationship took what should have been a positive turn nearly 5 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. We made the decision to continue with the pregnancy and with support from our family we bought our 1st house. The pregnancy caused me health problems and I had to have a c section and needed other surgery after she was born.

I had surgery when she was 6 months old. I got pregnant with a 2nd baby the month after. This pregnancy was supposed to be the fixer.. I was healthy and happy. This pregnancy went even worse baby was born 6 weeks but suffered IUGR and I had to have another c section. We were in hospital until lockdown.

during these awful pregnancies we’ve been riddled with debt too and my other half because of my health problems got fired from a job in 2020 during lockdown. He hopped from job to job which at first he told me was quite common.. he neglected to tell me he had been having his performance reviewed since January 2019 when our daughter was born.

fast forward to 20022/2023.. we bought our dream home and I’ve just got a new job which I love and has got a working pattern which works well for the kids and he works from home for money but 5 days a week. I was feeling so hopeful that we could clear the last of the debt and start to plan a wedding..

but he’s just told me tonight when I got in that his company has reviewed his performance and the CEO has told him he has 2 months to increase his performance or he’s out. The worst thing he’s been told by them that his skill set is nowhere near where it should be for the job so I don’t think it is going to go well. He is genuinely surprised by this job as he thought it was going well and he’d not had a 1-1 since December.

Sorry if that was long but basically he is now wanting to get a part time job so he can focus on content creation because he is burnt out of his industry and he feels like he has imposter syndrome.

AIBU to just think since nothing ever seems to go right in our relationship that someone is trying to tell us something 😢

I can see that you've had / problems, but you haven't really said what's going wrong with your relationship. Can you explain about that side of things?

Absolutely none of this is relationship related. Are you saying you've had enough of his inability to keep a job? All the things you mention are job related, not relationship related.

There is nothing wrong with us as a couple in the sense of how much I love him and how much he loves me but I know from experience and growing up with divorced parents that love is not everything.

he is an amazing dad but for a partner he is not very 50/50 with regards to housework etc. I’ve noticed this since starting a new job which is 4 long shifts. I get home most days and no laundry has been put on, the washing up not done or any cleaning. We have 3 dogs which is supposed to be my stay at home venture eventually.. training and showing in the the ring etc. no plans for puppies or at the moment but that would all be out the window.

he wants to become self employed to with content for his channel and he wants to host events but it just doesn’t earn enough or he doesn’t charge enough. I’m not sure as I don’t get how huge it can be.

I just feel like someone like a higher power or something is kicking us and telling me in my head that the reason is it’s hard because we aren’t actually meant to be..

and that devastates me because I do love him

Essentially are you saying you want him to step up at work and at home and stop pissing about trying to be a wannabe YouTuber when you've got kids to feed and clothe and dogs to wrangle?

If the answer is yes have you tried saying this very bluntly?

You’re blaming him because of his struggles to establish himself in a secure career. But the decision to have two children whilst your finances were precarious, your health issues, and the purchase of the “dream home” (whilst your finances were precarious), were not his fault, or at least not solely.

Perhaps he can be the primary parent and you the primary earner?

Obviously, the higher power stuff is nonsense. You’re just pissed things aren’t working out like you wanted them to.

Basically he is prepared to walk away from an industry that he has been working in for 8-9 years and all because someone has said his skill set is lower than all the other ones and that he has 2 months to get his arse in to gear.

The 1st things he has come up with is walking away from it and doing 40hrs of content work a week and getting a little 10-20 hour part time job in the meantime.

I guess I should be grateful that he has offered to manage my dog business but they are my dogs and I think he would look pretty daft in a show ring if they didn’t listen to him 😡

I have agreed that I don’t think his industry is for him but with the COLC at the moment and our mortgage is up in August as we ported our previous offer if he did this now it would massively affect our life.

i’m so burnt out of being the worrier… honestly he is laid asleep next to me snoring away and I just think f**k you how are you sleeping right now. He’s even going to ring the GP in the morning to get signed off for 2 weeks so he can take some time to think about what he wants 😡

The finances weren’t precarious when we got pregnant with the 2nd or 1st child. The 1st child was unplanned but we made it work and finances were okay, a little bit of debt. The second child when we got pregnant was semi planned (happened sooner than we thought it would after the surgery) but we were both in stable jobs which he had been at for just under 3 years and I’d been at mine for 5 years.

the debt started to increase when he lost his job and he took a job in our home town which paid a lot less so he didn’t have to travel to the closest city.

My husband had similar with his work. No perfomance catch up or chats and suddenly was told to buck up - plainly done with a view to pushing him out of his job.

It was devastating for him. He has a great calm temperament and his confidence is rarely knocked. Took him about 2 years to recover.

In the short term he worked on all areas of improvement, put in more facetime with management, improved his work clothes (he'd got a bit comfortable in his attire as tech staff are prone to!). He played the game.

After a couple of months he also switched his account on Linked In to looking for work, and worked on his CV and started actively looking for other work. Networking with old colleagues who had moved on etc.

He eventually moved jobs and has massively improved his mental health. In retrospect it was a toxic work environment but he stayed because it paid well etc. He's gone on to better and better things and a much better job since as well. Starting afresh was the best thing for him, but it seemed almost impossible with his self esteem at an all time low. He needed lots of support.

Encourage him to stay in the world of work, put a pause on his content creation whilst he concentrates on remaining employed. Advise him once he settles in a new job where he is valued and appreciated he can start up out of hours again and if he builds momentum he can look to making a switch to part time work. But he needs to evidence that it could pay bills, create a business plan so you can see what intentions are etc.

You need to talk to him. Seriously and bluntly about whether he can meet your needs and/or is prepared to change.

It takes a long time and sometimes never for a YouTuber to establish themselves and earn enough money from their "content" to live off. He is being a bit deluded.

A lot of this stuff just needs to be handled by proper conversation

Eg I don't want you to focus on YouTube right now because we need actual money coming in.

Have you not had these conversations and if not why?

@Blort Thank you! That is excellent advice. I have luckily put on a supportive face when I came in and I listened to him and I told him that I wasn’t mad because unlike last time he has been honest and kept me informed with his performance etc.

I listened to all of his options and sadly I do agree with maybe part time work and being around the kids to help out more may be what he needs.. he loves being around the children and helping with the dogs.

He has been let go from 3 jobs in this industry so I just feel like even though it will deeply affect things I don’t think he should do it anymore however I wanted us to borrow more on the mortgage to clear the outstanding small amount of debt left and then he could work to going part time. He was going to put in a flexible working request 😕

I’ve come to bed before I’ve felt the need to rant and I’ve tried to avoid kicking him whilst he is down

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit we’ve had these conversations before about where we would both like to be. I convinced him that if he did his current industry part time then he could put more hours into his events and content.. they both seem really popular. The events are nearly selling out.

I’ve asked him to train me in his industry so that we could both work together and maybe run a business where he does the creative side and I do the development side but now after today he is wanting to throw in the towel with this industry altogether.

He’s even mentioned taking my dogs business off me and learning that which I feel would suck because even though it would mean I could keep working in my new job which I love.. they are my dogs and I’ve put in hard work with them 😕

Then be jokey, but clear

NOPE Dogs is MY thing!

Don't feel bad about it - having separate things is healthier for a relationship

This is not to do with whether you get married or not. This is life and this stuff happens whether you are married or living together. He's having a career crisis, that's all. Talk to him.

I just don’t understand how every time I feel like we might be starting to be on solid good ground and working towards our goals something bad happens.

I can tell he is not happy in his industry and I don’t want to keep pushing him otherwise it might ruin the person he is and he is absolutely wonderfully natured.

I just worry he will quit the industry and then nothing will come out of the content and events because he isn’t displined enough with himself.

I remember looking through an old phone of his from when he was at uni and he nearly got kicked off his course for not being punctual with deadlines etc. so I worry that no matter what he does he will just give it up and then we’ll never have any money & what if he ruins my potential to show and qualify my dogs..

The kind of man who is told he needs to work on performance and then asks for two weeks off sick to have a think is not someone anyone wants to employ. And frankly, I don't think he'll be better as a YouTuber or dog trainer.

Job satisfaction is fairly heritable and consistent across situations meaning it's at least a bit dispositional. TL:DR if he hates one job he chose, he'll hate most jobs.

There's no higher power or sign from the universe. You're pissed off because he's a bit shit and work-shy (with housework as well) and you're wondering what he's for. You might love him but that doesn't pay off debt.

You Tuber channel making money
He sounds like a dreamer
How much does it make now ?

He has himself & 2 children to be responsible for
How will You Tube pay enough ?

Yes, this sums it up. He's lazy.

Remember when men had pride in supporting their families, whatever it took? Wtf happened?

Hi OP, as soon as I read your first few posts I thought it was weird you would compliantly accept that his inability to hold down a job was due to your health problems, then the birth of your first daughter, the unsuitability of the industry, etc.

That feeling was confirmed when you mentioned him being nearly kicked out of uni for missing deadlines.

It's not his work industry, imposter syndrome, your family issues or anything accounting for his inability to not get fired. It's him. Right now the marriage/family is making his life look "normal", but if not for that, he would be someone still living in his parents' basement with only a poor work history and a ton of excuses to accompany him. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

(Continued so as not to type an essay)

So basically – you've just described lots of of my family members. There's always a reason, and having been fired from many jobs, 1 of them now delusionally thinks he's going to make it big with content creation. He actually has achieved his fantasies in the past, e.g. getting jobs in really cool online industries he loved, but of course every single job has boring bits that get old fast.

I know some on MN will roll their eyes but someone will mention it sooner or later anyway – that family member has ADHD, many people in my family have ADHD including me, and the behaviour pattern plus rationalisation (there's always a reason) you describe is very recognisable to me.

It's true that people who are wired a bit differently (again, whether that is formally ADHD, or just your husband not really fitting in with a corporate 9-5) often have great strengths of their own and just need to find their niche. They also are often more interesting to be honest, so content creation comes naturally to them.

But quitting cold turkey with a family to become an overnight content creation sensation is not going to work either. Even if his channel magically takes off overnight, there'll be hard boring bits, plus a requirement of consistency / putting out rote content, that he'll get tired of quickly. Part of life (or ND management if he is ND) is learning how to suck those hard bits up.

No idea if he is lazy or not but I didn't think we were living back in the 1950's

Mind you the dog training doesn't exactly sound like the way to make money if you are already struggling for money

I think I remember you asking for advice last year. He lost his job because he'd taken lots of time off to look after you and the babies after the birth and surgeries, am I right?
I think you was pissed off then but you admitted you definitely needed him at home, but also needed him at work to earn money. And he didn't tell you he was under a week review because he didn't want you to have extra stress and you admitted then that it would have caused you extra stress?
He's probably also burnt out too, being stuck in a job which he clearly doesn't enjoy while constantly getting reviews telling him how shit at his job he is.

Honestly, I don't know what the answer is, but if you are the PP I think you are, you come on mumsnet periodically and just complain that he doesn't earn enough money and you're stressed about it. But that he hates all his job and he needs to get on with it.

You need to speak to him, not us, and have a plan of action. I'm not saying being a youtube influencer is the right thing for him or all of you as a family. But constantly getting performance reviews that end up with him being sacked doesn't sound like it's working for any of you either. Must really be shit for his self esteem.
Can't go back in time but a new house purchase during a short period he hadn't lost his job probably wasn't wise.

Wow, he's asleep at 1 in the morning, what a bastard.

He needs to leave the industry that he is in. He isn't doing well in it, he has been 'let go' from more than 1 job in it already.

He also needs to find a permanent full time job, where ever that may be. He can do the You Tuve stuff as an extra.

If I were you I would suggest to him that he gets some career advice to carefully consider his next move

Op in the nicest possible way you started with your relationship picked up when you had a child. All that means is you were happy you had a child, it says nothing about whether/how in love you are. I feel so much for your dh because I flounder in work too, but dh never ever calls me out on it or sees it as anything that would stop our relationship because we have a great relationship (although we’re lucky in that he is the principle bread earner, I work in a minimum wage job). What does his job have to do with anything unless there is nothing else (in your mind) for you both as a couple? Do you love him? Are you best friends? Do you want to tell him your news when you have it? Do you go to him when you’re miserable? Do you get lonely without him? You say you have a great relationship but then it’s back to the work thing again. Maybe he’s in the wrong job/Industry (let’s face it, he is), maybe he’ll always be someone flailing about in work because he hasn’t found his thing. People are different. Financially it sucks of course, and money is everything nowadays, but you have to figure out your priorities and stop basing everything on something that may or may not be fixable. Maybe that’s your personality and you can’t get over this but just be careful because leaving a relationship over money would be an awful pity