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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think something is failing us

80 replies

Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 00:22

Hi all,

I just want some advice. My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, engaged with 2 children. I feel like this relationship is no longer viable or has a heartbeat.

bit of a long story but I don’t want to leave anything out.. our relationship took what should have been a positive turn nearly 5 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. We made the decision to continue with the pregnancy and with support from our family we bought our 1st house. The pregnancy caused me health problems and I had to have a c section and needed other surgery after she was born.

I had surgery when she was 6 months old. I got pregnant with a 2nd baby the month after. This pregnancy was supposed to be the fixer.. I was healthy and happy. This pregnancy went even worse baby was born 6 weeks but suffered IUGR and I had to have another c section. We were in hospital until lockdown.

during these awful pregnancies we’ve been riddled with debt too and my other half because of my health problems got fired from a job in 2020 during lockdown. He hopped from job to job which at first he told me was quite common.. he neglected to tell me he had been having his performance reviewed since January 2019 when our daughter was born.

fast forward to 20022/2023.. we bought our dream home and I’ve just got a new job which I love and has got a working pattern which works well for the kids and he works from home for money but 5 days a week. I was feeling so hopeful that we could clear the last of the debt and start to plan a wedding..

but he’s just told me tonight when I got in that his company has reviewed his performance and the CEO has told him he has 2 months to increase his performance or he’s out. The worst thing he’s been told by them that his skill set is nowhere near where it should be for the job so I don’t think it is going to go well. He is genuinely surprised by this job as he thought it was going well and he’d not had a 1-1 since December.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 29/03/2023 08:43

HeddaGarbled · 29/03/2023 00:47

You’re blaming him because of his struggles to establish himself in a secure career. But the decision to have two children whilst your finances were precarious, your health issues, and the purchase of the “dream home” (whilst your finances were precarious), were not his fault, or at least not solely.

Perhaps he can be the primary parent and you the primary earner?

Obviously, the higher power stuff is nonsense. You’re just pissed things aren’t working out like you wanted them to.

I agree. Plus 3 dogs?

badgermushrooms · 29/03/2023 08:45

If he's been let go from 3 jobs in his industry he needs a career change fast, before his confidence is completely destroyed. I was shit at a job once, just one, and it really messed me up. I also had some pie in the sky self employment ideas towards the end of it. Fortunately I kept my head and started looking at job ads thinking about the parts of my horrible job I enjoyed and was good at, and managed a career change that only required a small dip in income. So I would recommend he tries that - but you need to be supportive too, because it sounds like he is at the end of his tether. 2 weeks signed off is maybe not a bad thing if he actually uses it to get his head together.

VivX · 29/03/2023 08:52

This is a bit harsh but you both have unrealistic expectations. You're also being very unreasonable to call a pregnancy a "fixer".

He lacks a work ethic to get the job (any job, including housework, by the sounds of it) done (and he is being extremely unreasonable to take two weeks off sick during a performance review period simply to "think", instead of working to fix the problem so he can at least resign when he has found a suitable new job instead of being fired) and you have a bit of a passive victim mentality.
Things are not happening to you, they happen as a consequence of your collective inability to stay focused on keeping a job and working towards realistic life goals.
Instead you grab the nearest metaphorical "shiny thing", be that a pregnancy, a house and now you want a wedding.

Most importantly, you haven't considered the financial reality that being a dog trainer and a youtuber is very very unlikely to result in enough income to pay for a mortgage, bills and life generally.

Put the dog training and YouTube plans on the shelf - those are hobbies for a time when one of you isn't about to be fired. Concentrate on getting yourselves financially stable and him on getting a job he can hold down.

Blossomtoes · 29/03/2023 08:53

WandaWonder · 29/03/2023 04:51

No idea if he is lazy or not but I didn't think we were living back in the 1950's

Mind you the dog training doesn't exactly sound like the way to make money if you are already struggling for money

Show quote history

You don’t have to be living in the 1950s to expect a guy with two kids to step up and earn the money to support them.

He needs to get his head out of the clouds and work out how he can retrieve the situation in his current job, then get his head down and do it. If it’s not retrievable he needs to look for a new one and be realistic about his capabilities. Basically stop fannying about and get real.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 29/03/2023 09:12

I just don’t understand how every time I feel like we might be starting to be on solid good ground and working towards our goals something bad happens.

Thats life ffs. If you want to walk away from your kids father when there isn't really anything wrong with your relationship, thats not normal.

TooMinty · 29/03/2023 09:29

Isn't the easy answer to this that you are the primary earner and he is the SAHP now, then part-time when kids get older? But in order for this to work then he needs to support you in your career - so he needs to do housework/food shop/childcare/admin. Not necessarily all of it but certainly more than half. I don't think it is up to the man to earn the money but as a couple you can divide things up to suit your strengths. But it can't be you do all the paid work and all the adulting whilst he has fun playing with kids and dogs. You might love him now but you will end up resenting him.

Original poster
Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:46

For the people accusing us of doing “puppy farming” no that would not be it at all!!!!!! Showing and breeding a high quality of puppies with the correct breeding and the correct facilities is no way puppy farming!

for everyone throwing the word puppy farm down might want to research the meaning first. We’ve got 3 dogs but one is a pet who we’ve had for years and two dogs which one is male and one is female. I researched the dogs, joined waiting lists and have chosen the breed selectively, I have applied for all the paperwork and I have enquired about the licences and I know all of the the legislations you need to be a breeder. I’ve done all of this even though we breeding aren’t in the plans for right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:50

He has decided not to go off sick because he doesn’t want to annoy his employer and he will work his notice. He is hoping to work hard and stay on with this job but he is looking at other jobs outside the industry as well.

I’ve told him today that I will support him and that if he decides to go out of industry that is fine and if he decides to stay in the industry that is fine too.

I have separate family members who both train, show and breed larger dogs than mine and they earn a living.. with 5 star licences and proper establishments so I’m ignoring the puppy farmer comments going forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:55

As for the fixer second pregnancy. We wanted children close together and my health was good. I was upset that the 1st pregnancy made me unwell and I had to have a c section so I thought there was no way a second pregnancy could be worse.. that’s what I meant by “fixer”

The second pregnancy was worst than the 1st.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 29/03/2023 13:28

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 29/03/2023 00:40

Essentially are you saying you want him to step up at work and at home and stop pissing about trying to be a wannabe YouTuber when you've got kids to feed and clothe and dogs to wrangle?

If the answer is yes have you tried saying this very bluntly?

This!!

It's nothing to do with the universe or a higher power.

You're tired and he's not pulling his weight.

wingingit1987 · 29/03/2023 13:52

You both really need to grow up and get real jobs to ensure you can provide for your children. This is genuinely one of the most ridiculous posts I’ve ever read.

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 29/03/2023 14:07

Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:46

For the people accusing us of doing “puppy farming” no that would not be it at all!!!!!! Showing and breeding a high quality of puppies with the correct breeding and the correct facilities is no way puppy farming!

for everyone throwing the word puppy farm down might want to research the meaning first. We’ve got 3 dogs but one is a pet who we’ve had for years and two dogs which one is male and one is female. I researched the dogs, joined waiting lists and have chosen the breed selectively, I have applied for all the paperwork and I have enquired about the licences and I know all of the the legislations you need to be a breeder. I’ve done all of this even though we breeding aren’t in the plans for right now.

What about all the tests you need to do, hip scoring, eye tests etc, how will you pay for those if money is tight now, as well as all the worming etc costs of the puppies?

Do you not think there are enough dogs in rescue, that you should be bringing more into the world?

Show, by all means, but there are enough dogs needing homes already without more being bred just to line your pockets.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/03/2023 15:38

Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:46

For the people accusing us of doing “puppy farming” no that would not be it at all!!!!!! Showing and breeding a high quality of puppies with the correct breeding and the correct facilities is no way puppy farming!

for everyone throwing the word puppy farm down might want to research the meaning first. We’ve got 3 dogs but one is a pet who we’ve had for years and two dogs which one is male and one is female. I researched the dogs, joined waiting lists and have chosen the breed selectively, I have applied for all the paperwork and I have enquired about the licences and I know all of the the legislations you need to be a breeder. I’ve done all of this even though we breeding aren’t in the plans for right now.

Anyone breeding more dogs when rescue centres are bursting at the seams is highly irresponsible And yes I do know what a puppy farmer is, and yes, you will be one. Which is pretty despicable.

Snoken · 29/03/2023 15:52

I think the way you speak about the dogs is a strong indication that it is indeed a puppy farm you are aiming for. You mention that you have one pet dog and then two more which you bought specifically to use for breeding. If this poor dog is going to provide you with the equivalent of a full time salary she is going to have to give birth every six months or so assuming she has fairly large litters. It’s an appalling way of treating a living animal. She is just a money making machine to you. Especially as there are so many unwanted dogs out there already.

Beantag · 29/03/2023 15:55

Its nothing to do with luck or whatever else is it, it's him. He doesn't pull his weight at home, he probably doesn't at work by the sound of it. Although this might be the first time he has heard formally that he needs to perk his ideas up (unlikely tbh) if he's doing that badly he will have been aware of this and evidently done nothing to proactively try and sort it out.

Beantag · 29/03/2023 15:56

Also consider getting a financially stable job yourself rather than exploiting animals?

Deathbyfluffy · 29/03/2023 15:59

You say he’s WFH - is he also looking after the kids while doing this or are they in childcare?
Looking after kids while being WFH is a big no-no, it’s likely both the parenting and work output will both suffer.

dottiedodah · 29/03/2023 16:21

Most jobs are not "enjoyable" as such or you wouldnt be paid to do them! I think you both need to think about your future and its security.With children and a house together ,how can he realistically expect the right amount of income from a you tube channel? Maybe he has got the wrong job at present,but what sort of other jobs may be suitable? You tube is a secondary source of income for most of us.Dog breeding /showing is hard work and shouldnt be seen as some sort of income .Massive vet bills, long trips to shows with young children is not fun!

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 29/03/2023 16:30

I wonder how long until this thread goes poof 💨

Original poster
Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 18:09

I wouldn’t be breeding to line my pockets at all. There is something to be said for responsible breeding look it up. The breed I have selected very carefully is not overly bred and I have selected puppies with the best show and agility personalities.. I also want to teach my dogs in field champions for farmers as they are spaniels.

Microchipping my pets and working etc can be done and in bulk is more affordable. I have two trained microchippers in my family.

OP posts:
Againstmachine · 29/03/2023 19:20

Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 12:50

He has decided not to go off sick because he doesn’t want to annoy his employer and he will work his notice. He is hoping to work hard and stay on with this job but he is looking at other jobs outside the industry as well.

I’ve told him today that I will support him and that if he decides to go out of industry that is fine and if he decides to stay in the industry that is fine too.

I have separate family members who both train, show and breed larger dogs than mine and they earn a living.. with 5 star licences and proper establishments so I’m ignoring the puppy farmer comments going forward.

He has decided to go off sick not to annoy his employer, that's exactly what he is going to do him being off sick after getting a rubbish review will do exactly that why not work on what's been brought up in the review.

I work with a man child like your husband more obsessed with YouTube and surfing internet than doing the actual job.

Honestly you both need to join the real world and yes most jobs aren't enjoyable we still do them.

Original poster
Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 20:55

@Againstmachine As I quite clearly said he is not going to take some time off and he has had a discussion with my dad who is a union rep and who has studied employment law and my dad thinks they are being dodgy as anything.

I have told him until I’m blue in the face that he cannot quit without another job and no his YouTube channel and podcast is not the answer regardless of how popular it is. He is very kind offering to help with the dogs whilst I am at work and we have no immediate plans to do anything with them yet so for all the stupid comments suggesting puppy farming.. you don’t know what you are talking about.

OP posts:
ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 29/03/2023 22:03

Not doing it to line your pockets? You haven't once mentioned doing it to better the breed or add something to the bloodlines.

You're a bit of a disgrace to be honest, never mind your husband.

Againstmachine · 29/03/2023 22:56

Cavpoo2023 · 29/03/2023 20:55

@Againstmachine As I quite clearly said he is not going to take some time off and he has had a discussion with my dad who is a union rep and who has studied employment law and my dad thinks they are being dodgy as anything.

I have told him until I’m blue in the face that he cannot quit without another job and no his YouTube channel and podcast is not the answer regardless of how popular it is. He is very kind offering to help with the dogs whilst I am at work and we have no immediate plans to do anything with them yet so for all the stupid comments suggesting puppy farming.. you don’t know what you are talking about.

Except you quite clearly said he was going on sick so what is it, don't make me out to be a liar I'm only using your own comments, I don't think the company is being dodgy I think your husband is being dodgy, your dad only has what your DP has told him which may not be the truth.

You say He is being kind offering to help with the dogs well are they pets are a business if pets he isn't being kind it's part of being a family.

I think you are both as bad as each other.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2023 01:16

he has had a discussion with my dad who is a union rep and who has studied employment law and my dad thinks they are being dodgy as anything.

I'm a proud union sister but even I can see that sometimes unions protect shitty workers. I suspect your DH might be one. The company might be dodgy but going on sick to have a think is dodgy too.