To think something is failing us

[Cavpoo2023]

Hi all,

I just want some advice. My partner and I have been together nearly 7 years, engaged with 2 children. I feel like this relationship is no longer viable or has a heartbeat.

bit of a long story but I don’t want to leave anything out.. our relationship took what should have been a positive turn nearly 5 years ago when we found out we were pregnant with our daughter. We made the decision to continue with the pregnancy and with support from our family we bought our 1st house. The pregnancy caused me health problems and I had to have a c section and needed other surgery after she was born.

I had surgery when she was 6 months old. I got pregnant with a 2nd baby the month after. This pregnancy was supposed to be the fixer.. I was healthy and happy. This pregnancy went even worse baby was born 6 weeks but suffered IUGR and I had to have another c section. We were in hospital until lockdown.

during these awful pregnancies we’ve been riddled with debt too and my other half because of my health problems got fired from a job in 2020 during lockdown. He hopped from job to job which at first he told me was quite common.. he neglected to tell me he had been having his performance reviewed since January 2019 when our daughter was born.

fast forward to 20022/2023.. we bought our dream home and I’ve just got a new job which I love and has got a working pattern which works well for the kids and he works from home for money but 5 days a week. I was feeling so hopeful that we could clear the last of the debt and start to plan a wedding..

but he’s just told me tonight when I got in that his company has reviewed his performance and the CEO has told him he has 2 months to increase his performance or he’s out. The worst thing he’s been told by them that his skill set is nowhere near where it should be for the job so I don’t think it is going to go well. He is genuinely surprised by this job as he thought it was going well and he’d not had a 1-1 since December.

@stayathomer I do love him and god I’d never leave him because I love him far too much. He is everything to me, he is the person I think of when I wake up and the the last person I think of before bed. I can’t wait to tell him things and when he is down I always want to lift him. This is why I didn’t have a go at him or get angry when he told me I just comforted him and let him talk.

finding out he didn’t want to be in the industry at all anymore was hard and yes once we’d come to bed I asked for advice because some might say enabling this behaviour is bad but I am his partner and I do support him. He is as you said my best friend 😕 I just want him to find something that makes him happy and settled but I am also practical in knowing he needs a job.

Thank you for all the PP’s comments I will read and response once I’m showered and ready for the day, my alarm is due to go off in 30mins 😩

Could he have adhd. You can find tests online.

Why can't he just stack shelves in a supermarket (not an easy job to get round here) so there is steady income and do his other job/training in his spare time so he is more employable.

I don't think I could live with someone who had no initiative. Can't he see the washing needs doing and just do it? That would annoy me more than him wanting to be a YouTube star!

@Cavpoo2023 - I am not going to speak about showing dogs - I know nothing of that but could that go on the back burner

Purely anecdotal , but in my last house ( before we had it done up ) the chap who came round from Rentokil or similar to survery the thing - I saw a mouse ) - I asked him whether he liked the job & he said - no but I have a small child and one on the way & I have been made redundant so I took this job . Once the job had been done and it had to be checked off , I asked where first chap was and the person who turned up said - Oh he's got a better job so he is no longer with us. The chap was pragmatic in just getting a job - any job .

I think if Dh is surprised at being let go from other jobs and now being told his performance isn't great then he really needs to think about what else he could do.

It would be lovely to be a You Tuber whatever , but sometimes pragmatism ( at least in the short term is good) Or as others have said - maybe he is primary carer and keeps the house afloat - or he finds another job he can cope with & builds up the content You Tube thing on the side ( which will be hard work )

I think much as you love him you can't make him into Bill Gates if that is not his metier. Think about how much money you need and then between you see how you might do this.

Moving to dream house whilst he was under review might not have been the best move but you are where you are . Keep things going & being a you tube person or whatever is something you can't do overnight. Bills need paying every week / month

Sorry - that sounds awfully boring & I don't mean to be. But have been through times myself where pragmatism helps.

All best to you

Ah okay, good to know you have a good relationship op x

@BasiliskStare thank you! I know that is my thought process too.. work in whatever job you can until you find one you like.. honestly I love my new job but the issue is I am the lower earner of us two so we can’t really afford for him to get a lower paid role really.

the house move for those asking was between him having a lower paid role for him but going well and then he got this current job which was a lot higher earning. I was in a role which I’d been in for a year but part time with the hours being condensed was more than than I had been on before in my previous role so we were both good.

I’ve since got another job which I’ve just started which is office rather than site work, is condensed hours but full time rather than part time and I do alternative weekends so money/time wide for me it’s better because little ones are both over 3 and I put them in for 3 days so some weeks I’ll be at home without kids for 2 days and others I’ll be at home with them the days when I’m off and they aren’t in nursery

Yes, you lost me at the bit where you want to be a puppy farmer. What a thing to aspire to, Jesus.

Hi sounds a hit flakey op. That's the only way to describe it. He basically doesn't want the same high pressured working towards your dream goals with some hard work life that you do. There are plenty of people out there who would rather just take the easy option, their can be complex reasons for that for example mental health, laziness, confidence, actually not being up to the job etc. If your dh keeps being performance reviewed out of jobs he is either not suited to that career or maybe just a bit lazy.

You feel like somethings working against you because essentially he is. He keeps sabotaging your plans and finances. Being a parent and owning your dream home require hard work and commitment not flighty ideas to start part time businesses.

If he really needs a change of industry then start by working out what income you need him to bring in to pay the bills plus addional income to build savings. Then when he has enough savings he can go part time and pursue his dreams in the future.

Suggest he looks for any jobs which will bring in decent income whether it's working in a supermarket, delivery driver etc. He will likely have to do lots of hours to build up a cushion but I would say with all the financial commitments you both have this would be the sensible thing to do.

Obviously, the higher power stuff is nonsense. You’re just pissed things aren’t working out like you wanted them to

This

There is nothing wrong with us as a couple in the sense of how much I love him and how much he loves me but I know from experience and growing up with divorced parents that love is not everything

Love might not be everything, but it's a damned good start. If you love each other, you've got your family and your home, honestly you've got more than a lot of people have.

Love can get you through all sorts of bad situations . For heavens sake, stop thinking that some higher power is telling you that you two are not meant to be together ! We all go through difficult times - you are right in the thick of it. Do stop putting a hex on your marriage, and look at ways that you two can make things work better.

So basically you want to be a puppy farmer and him a YouTuber?

Nope you both need to grow up.

This! you both have unrealistic expectations of making money as a job from hobbies like dog showing and youtubing.

The likelihood is you aren't going to make much money from either and it's not sustainable.

I know people like your DH it's not they cant do the job it's that they are too lazy he needs to step up and put his best into his current career.

Can't go back in time but a new house purchase during a short period he hadn't lost his job probably wasn't wise

Neither is having 3 dogs when you're already in debt. It doesn't sound like the money worries are all down to him!!

Why this keeps happening to you is because you are both impulsive people who likes to spend and you don't like to think ahead as you have the attitude that you should have what others have. You had two unplanned pregnancies whilst being in debt, you have bought three (!) dogs with some vague plan of sometime in the future doing something that might (not) bring in some money (please say it's not puppy farming), the minute one of you got a better paid job you bought your dream house even though there is clear track record of at least one of you not being able to not being very employable.

The things that happen to you is not a coincidence, you aren't being unlucky in life, but you are trying to run before you can walk. You both need to slow down, don't take on any projects, just work and save until you have no dept and a healthy savings account for you and your children.

is the someone/something your gut feelings telling you you want out?

So, basically, your husband is lazy and doesn't bother to work hard. Why on earth did you get a house with a man who can't be employed?

It is certain that there is no ‘higher power’ telling you something. I find this such a strange thing to think. Even very religious people rarely believe this. God gave us free will. Are you one of those people who believe in manifesting or some such? Apart from celebrities have you noticed that most people who believe this are actually not that successful. They might chase the outward signs of success (cars, ever bigger homes etc,) but in reality they are often struggling.

Every single marriage goes through difficulties. Every single one. Even couples who seem to live the perfect life at first will struggle with something. This is not a sign from God. It’s just life.

Some struggles are just to do with bad luck (like the medical issues around your pregnancies and births). Others are to do with your personalities or approach to life’s challenges. For whatever reason your partner struggles with the work he has been doing until now. If this were my relationship, I would have a very assertive chat with my DH. Decide with him that as a couple you are going to set aside 18 months to see if his idea of being a content creator works. Decide together what level of income he will need to generate to make it viable. If it doesn’t work by the end of the trial period he has to get a regular job asap. You also need to be very, very clear that if he is at home he needs to take more responsibility with running the home. Don’t be moany and vague about what that involves. Be assertive and very specific.

If your DH changing his work and being at home makes for less stress and the home running smoothly then this will be a win, win. You will be operating as a successful couple. If that means you can’t get a bigger house or bigger car then so what? Understanding that is the key to maturity and happiness. That’s true success.

So he keeps failing at his jobs, one after the other, you don’t currently work, you have children and dogs, you have lots of debt and he wants to go part time to be a content creator?

Yikes. This does not sound viable.

Sorry, just seen you do work. There’s going to be awful lot on your shoulders if he follows this silly pipe dream.

There’s two of you in this op. It’s easy to look at your partner and see all the things that they are doing wrong. But you need to see where you’re contributing to this situation too.

Having three dogs is expensive and exponentially increases housework. Houses are a means to an end; calling it a dream home is attaching emotion to a decision that needs to be practical.

If you want to make a life together you need to bring some realism to it. Skip the higher power nonsense and start taking responsibility for making decisions.

Why don't the two of you get normal, realistic jobs? Does showing dogs pay a lot? You both seem very flighty and not in touch with reality.

I don't think you're revealing everything or can't articulate what is up with your relationship but there is something since you called one of your babies "the fixer"

You can't fix a relationship with a baby or a dream home or a wedding.

And if you are in debt why are you even planning a wedding?

Several red flags:-
not pulling his weight at home
unstable job history
unrealistic plans
debt
high outgoings

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. He wants to jump before he is pushed. The sensible thing is for him to start applying for less demanding jobs NOT going self employed which will generate zero income. Does he have problems interacting with other people? Is this why he wants to be self employed? I would put my foot down and suggests he needs to settle into a job AND try harder at home. You know if you let him go se you will end up doing all the housework and he will turn into a cocklodger.

It sounds like it's worth investigating ADHD. That's not a quick process and not a miracle solution, but looking at ADHD friendly strategies may help a lot in making tasks more managable in all areas of life.

If he's repeatedly struggling in his sector, something has to change. He may well have the intellectual skills but struggle with organisation. Better strategies may help or finding a sector at a pace that suits his way of thinking/ working/ organising.

To be a professional youtuber, he'd need a lot of organisational and admin skills (as for any self-employed venture) as well as a constant flow of self-motivation in order to constistently create original content. That's aside from the level of competition out there. It's something that tends to develop from being a hobby after years rather than being a career you can launch. It's not impossible, but the odds are strongly against.

The real issue is is he willing to address his difficulties and find ways to work around them to live in a practical way?