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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave toddler screaming?

79 replies

Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 19:55

I’m really struggling with DS (2 years 4 months) and bedtimes. He was an absolute star until recently and then started trying it on if you like but only very slightly - he’d ask for another book and then whimper / whinge a bit but be fine after some gentle talk about sleep being important and so on.

Just recently he’s been awful. His routine is watches Night Garden on CBeebies then bath, teeth, milk and stories. It’s been like this for months so he knows. But he runs away when Night Garden finishes and then has an absolute screaming tantrum, really wild and sobbing and frantic, when changed and put in bath. Eventually calms down and is fine in pyjamas and so on and we read five books. Then bed. Except the screaming tantrum has returned when I put him in bed Sad

I hate leaving him screaming but I honestly am not sure how else to deal with it. He does calm down eventually - put him to bed at 1940 and he’s chatting to himself now so not asleep but not wild either. But I just need some reassurance I’m doing the right thing and also if not how I should be dealing with it?

OP posts:
katepilar · 28/03/2023 20:04

You dont leave him as in leave the room. He need you there to help him through his emotions.

Pleasepleasenomorecocomelon · 28/03/2023 20:12

If you laid with him would he be calm? I think at that age I would lay with him/sit next to him until he falls asleep.

Oysterbabe · 28/03/2023 20:13

2 is a tiny. You need to stay with him and help him calm down.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/03/2023 20:15

He's too young to be left.

It sounds like something is frightening him - has he had a nightmare or is something in a book or TV programme upsetting him?

BHRK · 28/03/2023 20:21

He’s too young to leave screaming. Kids get terrified of all sorts of things.. including being abandoned. Even if there’s no reason.
it’s your job to calm him down, lay with him and make him feel better

Original poster
Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:21

I honestly think he’s just wanting not to go to bed. If I go in, it winds him up and he stands up in the cot holding his arms out and screaming Sad

He is still chatting to himself but not asleep.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 28/03/2023 20:22

My first thought was that the whole routine seems late - ITNG only finishes at 6:40, and then he starts his bath etc. Could he be overtired? Does he sleep in the day?

lovemelovemesaythatyouloveme1 · 28/03/2023 20:22

Go in and sit but don’t engage. Just let him know that you’re there.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/03/2023 20:23

It's totally normal for a two year old not to want to go bed alone - even if they happily did so a week ago. Children go through all sorts of phases - it's not linear progress unfortunately!

If he's happily chatting to himself I would leave him, but if he's screaming then I think he needs some reassurance.

Anonhopingforbaby · 28/03/2023 20:24

Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:21

I honestly think he’s just wanting not to go to bed. If I go in, it winds him up and he stands up in the cot holding his arms out and screaming Sad

He is still chatting to himself but not asleep.

If he's chatting but not screaming, leave him.

My brother had the same issue with his one YO daughter and dropped a nap, also left it for naps and sleep until she was dropping straight off. She falls asleep anywhere and everywhere, super easily because she has never been forced to sleep when she's not tired. Maybe assess his nap situation and his routine?

Wnikat · 28/03/2023 20:25

Sounds like separation anxiety. A toddler in a tantrum is not in control, he’s not manipulating you, he’s upset. No cry sleep solution has some suggestions that worked for us

Original poster
Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:25

He sleeps in the day. It is a late routine in some ways. I tweaked it a while back as when he was going to bed at 7 he was waking at all sorts of crazy times in the morning, usually around 530 but often earlier. I tried a slightly later bedtime of 730 in the hope it would help! But he’s messing about so it means it takes even longer. Of course now he isn’t going to sleep until after 8, and it’s starting to feel it will be after 9 tonight! Since Sunday he’s been waking at around 7, which is much better than 5 but is making night times difficult.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/03/2023 20:25

I'd stop ITNG. There's now an association which is unhelpful. The whole point of routine is to make helpful associations. Mix it up.

Scuttlingherbert · 28/03/2023 20:25

I think it's fine to leave him. Sometimes kids need to be left as your presence just keeps maintaining and reigniting the distress.

It doesn't sound to me like he's scared - sounds like a classic tantrum at not wanting to go to bed, which is really understandable when you're 2.

This is one of the topics people are weird about on Mumsnet though so you'll probably get loads of responses saying the opposite.

Original poster
Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:27

I definitely don’t think he’s scared - I wouldn’t have left him if he’d got that impression. His sleep was pretty good for ages, and I stupidly got complacent!

OP posts:
Hatscats · 28/03/2023 20:28

Offer cuddles, milk, books - I’d drop the nap too! Mine is nearly 2.5 and stopped napping a couple of months back - bedtime is a lot easier. 5/10 mins of boob cuddles and books and she’s asleep!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 28/03/2023 20:30

We'd do stuff upstairs, eg bath, tidying up, sorting laundry, so they knew I was near and they could hear us talking/moving around. This helped a lot.

cptartapp · 28/03/2023 20:31

I'd just keep going with your normal routine. Certainly no lying down with him, sitting in the room or the like. Mine never even knew that was an option. He's chatting away now, that's fine.
Has he got blankets/teddies?
Does his dad put him to bed?
I'd also drop the nap.

ml3jp · 28/03/2023 20:31

I dropped the nap when mine started being like this at bedtime… he’d still happily nap at lunchtime but just didn’t want to go to bed at 7pm.

For what it’s worth, I think it’s fine to leave them in this scenario. I know if I stay in the room, the “party” continues 🤣🙈

kernowpicklepie · 28/03/2023 20:31

What's his day routines like? How much time does he spend with you?
May seem unrelated to some but to me it sounds like he's wanting more interaction and time with you.
It's not to say you aren't spending enough but as a PP mentioned, it could be a separation anxiety. He doesn't want to go to bed because he wants to spend more time with you.
Could you cuddle him to sleep somehow? Perhaps change the cot to a floor bed if you can and see how you get on with that.

NoKnit · 28/03/2023 20:32

For goodness sake 2 years 4 months he can walk and run without issues yes? So what is he doing in a cot? They are for babies. He probably feels trapped in a cage. Why can't you put him in a normal bed and cuddle him? I don't think you should leave him to cry he is so little.

I say this but I remember this age with my oldest and did used to do the same leaving him the cot until he was almost 3 was biggest mistake I ever made. I'm ashamed I used to leave him in there to cry because I thought he should have been sleeping. Needless to say my youngest had bars off his cot at 16 months. Don't be like me, cuddle you son whilst he is still little.

Original poster
Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:32

He probably is ready to drop the nap. Problem is he goes to nursery three days a week and naps there. I did try dropping it a couple of months ago but he just fell asleep at 345 in the afternoon! I think he’s at a funny age where he’s sort of ready to drop it but also sort of not!

OP posts:
Original poster
Justinthemiddle · 28/03/2023 20:33

And believe me cuddling him to sleep does NOT work: it stimulates him and he just wants to play with me which is very cute but not conducive to sleep!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/03/2023 20:35

Toddlers can be very wilful- sometimes you need to walk away. Lying down with him with just create another sleep crutch/ association you will have to cull at some point. Drop the nap- and in the afternoon try and ensure a quiet time if at home rather than constant running around (this is what tv is for!). He will start lengthening his sleep and drop off easier and earlier.

FlounderingFruitcake · 28/03/2023 20:35

It sounds like a classic tantrum. It’s not separation anxiety if it starts when you put in the night garden on, which I would definitely be stopping in favour of other stuff because a specific routine like that is only worth if it if it helps. I’d 100% leave him to it. I also wouldn’t be reading 5 books at bedtime, we read lots during the day but bedtime is short and sweet- 1 story and done. And it sounds like it could be time to drop the nap, you could start by capping it to 30 minutes and asking nursery to do the same.