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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want time on my own in my house.

79 replies

Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 10:55

Long time reader first time poster.

I put this question to you, AIBU to want one evening a month alone (him out, kids in bed me ready to veg on the stuff he doesn't want to watch) in our house.

Due to my hobby my partner gets one night a week to himself in the house relaxing (My hobby has also been hijacked by the middle child who comes with me now, and the youngest in school holidays) as the youngest is in bed before we go.
I was a SAHM for 14 years I now have no alone time in the house and I am craving it/missing it. I haven't watched a single series in 7 months (first world problem I know) since getting a full time job. Mainly due to everyone still expecting everything to be done as it was before I went to work.
I know its selfish but I really miss the me time I had, I guess I am struggling a little with my agusting to the new routine, and no head space.

YABU = you shouldn't expext alone time in a family house even one night a month.
YANBU = you should be able to have an evening to yourself once a month.

OP posts:
LysHastighed · 28/03/2023 10:58

This isn’t only about the alone time, it’s more about your family’s unreasonable expectations of what a working parent can do in the home.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:01

It's definitely not living up to what I thought it would be like.

OP posts:
elizzza · 28/03/2023 11:04

Why does your partner never go out? Does he have any friends?

If your main issue is watching something he doesn’t want to watch, you are actually allowed to do that even when he’s in - take a laptop up and watch it in your bedroom one night a week?

minipie · 28/03/2023 11:05

Yes I think the bigger issue is everyone still expecting you to do all the tasks you did when you were a SAHM. If that was shared more evenly you might not feel the need for the house to yourself so much.

I don’t think you can ask your partner to go out so you have the house to yourself. But you can and should certainly have some time to yourself.

Do you have a tablet and headphones if you want to watch something else? Or does he?

CatOnTheChair · 28/03/2023 11:06

I think you should be able to watch some TV he doesn't watch, but don't think he has to be out of the house.
BTW I'm guessing the kids are quite young - their bedtime is only going to get later, so I'd find a way to get you time with others in the house.

Divorcedalongtime · 28/03/2023 11:08

As a single parent with teens I can’t help to feel you’re BU

Esmereldapawpatrol · 28/03/2023 11:11

YANBU. My DH works away in the week and although I miss him I also really enjoy being able to do what I like in the evenings.

CupidStuntt · 28/03/2023 11:12

Would you not be better investing in another TV rather than kicking your husband out once a month? If I didn't want to go anywhere I wouldn't be happy being kicked out once a month.

DojaPhat · 28/03/2023 11:12

I would say the issue is everyone expecting things to be done just as they were before you went to work. I do think it's unreasonable in a household with children and both partners to expect any sort of 'alone' time in the sense everyone else goes out so you can have the place to yourself. But that's not to say you shouldn't expect downtime. Two different things, you should be able to watch a series with a glass of wine or tea on an evening.

SavBlancTonight · 28/03/2023 11:13

why can't you watch a tv show if your Dh or DC are at home?

Ktime · 28/03/2023 11:15

Mainly due to everyone still expecting everything to be done as it was before I went to work.

Tell us more about this, why aren't your DH and children doing their fair share?

If dc do other activities it's perfectly fine to say your hobby is your time, and they can't come.

SummerInSun · 28/03/2023 11:19

I sympathise. I work full time, and my DH almost never goes out after the DC are in bed so I never have a night to myself. I love DH and his company but every so often I just want alone time!

But I don't think you can kick DH out of the house one night a month (though you could possibly encourage him to see friends more).

My solution has been to try to get an hour or so to myself by going off to a cafe during the weekend (DH does the same so we each get a turn) and also occasionally to try to snatch some time in the week, eg disappear to a cafe in my lunch break occasionally instead of eating with my colleagues, or grab a cup of tea for half an hour between dropping the DC and going to the office. Time off out of the house is actually better than time off at home, because you don't think "I'll just put a load of laundry on then relax, oh I'll just pack the dishwasher and then relax". You can watch a series on your phone in a cafe with headphones.

Ragwort · 28/03/2023 11:20

I agree with you that I would find that very difficult... but I do think you should have kept your hobby for 'yourself'. I've always craved time alone, I made that very clear when I had my DS (& one of the main reasons we have an 'only' DC) and I would frequently just take myself out or retreat to my bedroom if I really couldn't be 'on my own'. But my DH is the same and has his own hobbies and friends ... although now he's retired so I don't get quite as much 'alone time' as I would like Grin.

It's difficult to navigate in a busy household with young DC.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:22

The problem with going to another room is I will be followed and disturbed till my attention is given. If I plonk myself in bed or the bath with a book I will get to listen to someone else's (person opinion horrific taste in music)
I think it's the value he has but on enjoying his chill time on my hobby nights and how he enjoys it. When I said I miss that time as I don't get it anymore he offered to go on holiday with his mate (he no longer lives local I know he misses him)
He does have friends due to us moving, them moving changing jobs etc it's hard. He has also dropped the ones that still live as teenagers but are pushing 40 🤐

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:28

@SummerInSun
I think tomorrow I will pack for the ever changing British weather and have a walk on my lunch break. It will be a start on some alone time.
My daughter is excelling at the hobby, I did want to keep it just to holidays. On the plus side I don't drink while I am there now so save on the pennies 😊

OP posts:
Time4achangeagain · 28/03/2023 11:29

I totally get the desire for alone time in the house - I feel the same. But what do you expect DHto do once a week so you get it?

Oysterbabe · 28/03/2023 11:31

What happens at the weekends? Can he take the kids out for a few hours?

Suetcrust · 28/03/2023 11:32

Having the house to yourself is wonderful. This I know from past experience. However it might be unreasonable to expect it in a child centric household so ….

As someone else has suggested keep your hobby for yourself. Leave children behind or introduce them to something else you’re not part of? Is that possible?
Additionally, organise a tv in the bedroom for your binge watching. Phone the aerial company or whoever to get the signal, you work so you're entitled to the expense, get yourself a Smart telly. shut the bedroom door and off you go!
You don’t need to sacrifice yourself on the altar of motherhood or wifeliness.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2023 11:32

everyone still expecting everything to be done as it was before I went to work.

This. This is your problem, really.

Make it their problem.

Family meeting, who is going to be doing what in future. And by when. And to what quality standard.

Best give people total responsibility for a whole area so it's obvious when they don't do their chores and you are not tempted to step in and catch their failures.

Stop running yourself ragged. Or stop working outside the home and just be their skivvy. Not both. Ideally neither.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:33

@Time4achangeagain I don't expect once a week, once a month to sort something out with a friend, go to the cinema, take the dog and kids on a hike on a weekend for a couple of hours. We host his friends here every other week yet he never goes to theirs.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 28/03/2023 11:37

The problem with going to another room is I will be followed and disturbed till my attention is given.

Is this your DH? Because you say that if he went out the DC would be asleep and you could have your downtime. So if he is there, and the DC are asleep, he won't leave you alone?

You have a much bigger problem than him not going out if he won't even let you have a bath in peace or watch a couple of hours of tv without him.

NewspaperTaxis · 28/03/2023 11:37

Not unreasonable at all - it's odd how something that ought to be a real boon for the other person is seen as trying to get away from them, or a punishment like putting the cat out at night. He could go to the pub by himself or with mates, or to the cinema to see a movie he knows you wouldn't like.

aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2023 11:43

I totally get how you feel, I secretly love it when my DP is out (and cram all my Netflix watching into then because he's not as into watching dramas as me but will talk through them if I watch them while he's there, yet claims to not understand why I don't just "put something on")

How old are your kids? I'm struggling to envision why they are up all evening, but not old enough to be told you want to be alone for an hour or so, if you got a second TV.

I think you need to be more assertive with them all. Tell them when you want some time to yourself.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:43

@SavBlancTonight Yes it's him that annoys me, he wants my company. I want head space. Both younger DDs are asleep by 8/8.30 my DD (16) is either out with friends, on her computer or asleep.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 28/03/2023 11:45

Oh goodness, I love a GA so no idea why you would be nervous. It is literally the best sleep of your life.
I'd have one every week if I could 😴

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