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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want time on my own in my house.

79 replies

Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 10:55

Long time reader first time poster.

I put this question to you, AIBU to want one evening a month alone (him out, kids in bed me ready to veg on the stuff he doesn't want to watch) in our house.

Due to my hobby my partner gets one night a week to himself in the house relaxing (My hobby has also been hijacked by the middle child who comes with me now, and the youngest in school holidays) as the youngest is in bed before we go.
I was a SAHM for 14 years I now have no alone time in the house and I am craving it/missing it. I haven't watched a single series in 7 months (first world problem I know) since getting a full time job. Mainly due to everyone still expecting everything to be done as it was before I went to work.
I know its selfish but I really miss the me time I had, I guess I am struggling a little with my agusting to the new routine, and no head space.

YABU = you shouldn't expext alone time in a family house even one night a month.
YANBU = you should be able to have an evening to yourself once a month.

OP posts:
gannett · 28/03/2023 12:21

I love an empty house as much as the next person but you can't request that the people you live with bugger off at your convenience. Especially in this weather. I am only leaving the house when absolutely necessary this week.

The issue is that your husband is needy and attention-seeking. It should be no big deal to do your own thing, watch your own shows and have all your me time even if there's someone else in the house. Tell him you need time alone and not to interrupt you if you're watching X or Y. Then politely but firmly close the door.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 28/03/2023 12:25

DH and I are retired. We walk together sometimes, have a date night every week and always have dinner together. After dinner we go our separate ways for the evening. It works very well.

thethinendofthewedge · 28/03/2023 12:32

We host his friends here every other week yet he never goes to theirs.

Well, there's an issue right there! He should go to theirs every other week or at least now and then. Why not? Glad he's clearing up after hosting now but really he's got things too much his way to your detriment. New 'rules' need to be set down.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 12:34

@Bunnyhascovidnoteggs They come here as we have the best set up for there thing so I'm told. DP only funds one out of 4 the other 3 fund the other evening even if they are here. Since I blew my lid at them months ago after mess they left for me, the room is now cleaner when they leave then when arrive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 12:41

@thethinendofthewedge One has kids not in bedtime routine, one lives in a HMO and has a room smaller than my boxroom, other recently back at parents (his ex hated us all)
Pre Covid it was every week on a rota (HMO mate was with OH then) and he went out!!!! Since then it's every other and here.

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 28/03/2023 12:47

Eh why can't your other half go in another room and game or watch another tv or something and look after kids. Mine does sometimes several times a week and I get to binge haha. And I do same for him and weird thing is we don't even have to discuss it we seem to instinctively know when one wants a couple of hours in an evening the other will go upstairs with kids n play or put to bed etc

Lcb123 · 28/03/2023 12:48

Just watch Tv or an iPad in another room. We do this all the time! You don’t have to be together if you both home

Catspyjamas17 · 28/03/2023 12:49

We watch different things in the same room - headphones!

BlingLoving · 28/03/2023 12:50

You seem to have a few issues happening at once. One is that you are now working full time but still seem to be doing all the household chores (except for tidying up after your DH's activity once a weeK). And the second is that your DH is incapable of leaving you alone for a minute so that you can get some downtime.

You have given reasons why the activity has to happen at your house but I can't help thinking that your Dh likes it as this way he can be sure of where you are and what you're doing.

Also, if he has his friends round once a week, why aren't you using that time to disappear up to your bedroom and watch tv on a laptop or tablet or whatever? Do you have to sit there and watch them play dungeons and dragons or whatever it is they do?

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 13:05

@BlingLoving I wish it was DandD I'd be in my element 😂now it is every other. Unfortunately for me they have had a set day for years my hobby changed venue and nights to the same night so if he did do it weekly it would be fine.
I need to really sit him down with everything I am doing and explain I can feel burn out coming, if things don't change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 13:18

To explain we have 2 TVs in the house one in the living room (can't have one in backroom as it's open plan) Second TV was given to eldest child as OH would have it on all night and I can't sleep with it on. I blame my parents as bedroom's were for sleeping not watching TV.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/03/2023 13:27

Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 13:18

To explain we have 2 TVs in the house one in the living room (can't have one in backroom as it's open plan) Second TV was given to eldest child as OH would have it on all night and I can't sleep with it on. I blame my parents as bedroom's were for sleeping not watching TV.

So tell him to turn it off!!

Number24Bus · 28/03/2023 13:36

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP. If he can't leave the house once a month he can definitely leave you in peace inside the house! And I agree that you need to tackle division of chores. Now you're working full-time he needs to step up and do his share.

ActDottie · 28/03/2023 13:41

I don’t think your husband has to be out of the house for you to watch your own tv etc. I can imagine actively not wanting my husband home :(

HurryShadow · 28/03/2023 14:15

Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 11:57

@HurryShadow You have put it in to words better than I did. I think he just wants me to be around and have someone to talk at so he's not talking to himself. I however have no problem talking to myself

Ah - I feel your pain! Even my DM said the other week "Does he ever shut up?" 😂

Definitely try the earphones and iPad thing - he honestly doesn't even know I'm not watching the same thing as him half the time!

Allschoolsareartschools · 28/03/2023 14:43

I count my blessings that I have a shift working dh.
He's lovely but I enjoy time to myself, I've always been the same.
He's out for a few evenings & overnight each fortnight & several days. I don't book much in then as I like time to be by myself.
When he's home we'll watch things together, eat together, go out etc & it's all good.
But I'm fine on my own & I'll really miss that time when it ends.
When our dc got older I had to be very clear that I wasn't going to spend all my time looking after him as I think that's what he expected & he's much more self motivated as a result.

VoluptuaGoodshag · 28/03/2023 14:58

I also like my own space and can sympathise OP. My DH has been working mostly from home recently and it drives me mad. I love the house to myself. When he’s here, he’s in and out the kitchen and made me realise how many tea breaks he must take if he’s in the office. He’s been less busy of late and I’ve been struggling with other things but what works for me is having some breathing space. T’other week I was heading into town and he said he’d walk in with me. Grrrrrr. Seems like I’m so unreasonable but I just wanted my own fecking space for an hour. He’s away this week but then eldest came to visit and stay and other stuff going on. I was so looking forward to having a week totally to myself but everyone wants a bit of my time.

Original poster
Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 17:26

I have shown my OH this post, initially he wasn't happy, after reading the comments he has said he understands now where I am coming from. Thank you to all the people that commented saying they to need some alone time here and there.
As a result he is off to the pictures in 2 weeks time (on the calendar and everything. 😊)
I really hope this is the start of something going forward. I have my fingers crossed for 12 alone nights a year.
The housework is also to be discussed this weekend, so long as I agreed to let you know
that he cleans the windows monthly (inside and outside)

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 28/03/2023 17:48

Since dh (and now dd1) started working from home most of the time, I very rarely get time on my own in the house. I love time on my own;. Put my music on, get on with things that need doing without being asked questions.

I not infrequently lock up at work now and the bliss of walking round the building checking everywhere is empty is lovely-not the same as being at home, but an okay second.

FinallyHere · 28/03/2023 18:40

The housework is also to be discussed this weekend, so long as I agreed to let you know
that he cleans the windows monthly (inside and outside)

Well done him.

Why is it women have been socialised to do chores because they need doing, while men, like toddlers, need lots of praise and encouragement.

NewspaperTaxis · 29/03/2023 16:11

Put another way, anyone can have too much of a good thing. It's not an exact analogy, but I like scrambled eggs and smoked salmon with buttery toast for breakfast. I don't have it every day - can't recall when I last had it in fact - but if I had it for breakfast, dinner and tea, I would go off it big time. And I like it, I do - just not all the time.

A person can be different when they have the house to themselves. It's like a reset. You can do whatever the hell you want, whenever you want without second guessing how the other person will react, or having your intended deed curtailed by some other comment or interjection. Want to play a soppy, slightly embarrassing record loud? Fine, you can do it, without wondering what someone else might say.

A person needs a safety valve. And nobody is that interesting that they are enough to be around all the time, I know I'm not.

Twinsforthewin · 29/03/2023 17:01

YANBU, but try making it happen. mention a friend he hasn't seen for ages and encourage him to go for a drink with them. Find a discount ticket to something he'd like but you wouldn't and encourage him to go. It's not unreasonable at all, I feel very similar sometimes!

GrumpyPanda · 29/03/2023 17:14

Greenflamesburn · 28/03/2023 13:18

To explain we have 2 TVs in the house one in the living room (can't have one in backroom as it's open plan) Second TV was given to eldest child as OH would have it on all night and I can't sleep with it on. I blame my parents as bedroom's were for sleeping not watching TV.

You've explained that twice but it's still completely ridiculous. Of course there shouldn't be TV when people are sleeping (or eating, or sitting around talking for that matter.) So he'd regularly behave with a complete lack of respect towards you, and your solution was to get rid of the TV? You should have kicked him out of the room instead, you'd each have your own refuge. If the kids can have it, why not the adults?

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 29/03/2023 17:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable, l would find it very suffocating stuck with other people constantly.
I am single and love my alone time, and this is what keeps me wanting to stay as l am. Just me and my lovely 17 yr old son, who enjoys doing his own thing, and l do mine. I look forward to the evenings where l can totally lose myself in a book or in my hobbies, uninterrupted and in peace.

shivawn · 29/03/2023 17:31

Doesn't your husband want to go out? My husband would jump at any chance to pop to the pub for a few hours.