To want time on my own in my house.

[Greenflamesburn]

Long time reader first time poster.

I put this question to you, AIBU to want one evening a month alone (him out, kids in bed me ready to veg on the stuff he doesn't want to watch) in our house.

Due to my hobby my partner gets one night a week to himself in the house relaxing (My hobby has also been hijacked by the middle child who comes with me now, and the youngest in school holidays) as the youngest is in bed before we go.
I was a SAHM for 14 years I now have no alone time in the house and I am craving it/missing it. I haven't watched a single series in 7 months (first world problem I know) since getting a full time job. Mainly due to everyone still expecting everything to be done as it was before I went to work.
I know its selfish but I really miss the me time I had, I guess I am struggling a little with my agusting to the new routine, and no head space.

YABU = you shouldn't expext alone time in a family house even one night a month.
YANBU = you should be able to have an evening to yourself once a month.

Sorry - posted on wrong thread!

Second TV is in DD1 room. Downstairs is open plan so wouldn't work Second one Downstairs. I got rid (went to DD1) of the bedroom one as I can't sleep with it on, and partner would have it on all night. That caused the issue of the TV to start with. I sucked it up as I had daytime when kids were in school to catch up.

If your main issue is watching something he doesn’t want to watch, you are actually allowed to do that even when he’s in - take a laptop up and watch it in your bedroom one night a week?

you don't need to do that. If you want to watch something - watch it. You don't always have to watch what he wants to watch. He can take a laptop upstairs if he doesn't want to watch. (my DH loves Criminal Minds. I won't watch it. He has to watch on his laptop with headphones every other ep. Every other ep when he has it on TV i leave the room. It's the deal we made since neither of us owns the TV over the other and we only have one)

Call a family meeting about what needs to be done in the household and divvy up the jobs according to ability/desire to do them. The jobs that nobody wants to do go on a rota.

I have similar problem, I take myself up to bed early to have a hour or two to myself. I really hate it when DH wants to be attached to me.

Have you ever told your DH you need "alone" time? And when you take yourself for him not to come looking for you?

I'd go insane if I couldn't have my own space.

My DH is a bit like this.

I've found the key is to be able to switch off when he's talking as he's often not talking to me, but at me. He isn't actually looking for a conversation - he's just filling dead air.

In the meantime, I'm sat on the sofa with my iPad with my earphones in, watching something different on NetFlix.

If I do go in to another room to watch something though, he does leave me alone as there are other programmes he likes watching that I don't bloody Mandalorian!

@AmandaHoldensLips Yes I have and for some reason my DC can accept it and listen to it. He suffers and has become very need and attached since I started the job.

It sounds like you need to be frank with your DH, he's sounding a bit like a child. Follows you around when you want to be alone, would have the TV on all night so you can't have one in there. Always has his friends over rather than going over there....

Can't you just tell him you can't sleep with the tv on so not to put it on then, and have one in your room?

I sympathise. I love time by myself. I need it. Once a month wouldn't be enough.

@HurryShadow You have put it in to words better than I did. I think he just wants me to be around and have someone to talk at so he's not talking to himself. I however have no problem talking to myself

i have to admit that when my DH switched from working most evenings (chef) to only working during the day and never at weekends the adjustment was incredibly hard for me.

We had a few discussions about my need for my own time, sometimes, and that it's not a slight on him, and we worked out how to do it so we're both pretty much happy most of the time. But i did love my business trips back then, 2 weeks in a hotel somewhere? YES PLEASE

When i started WFH and he was off we had to have another discussion about how my breakfast / morning time was for me to ease myself gently into the day and no interactions are welcome at that time from anyone. It is all much much easier now DCs have all left home.

So the kids will leave you alone but your partner won't?

I think one night a month is more then reasonable, but one night a week or fortnight would also be ok. Less sure on the forcing him out of the house. He's an intelligent adult, surely he could just get better at going to another room and actually staying there. This should be resolvable with an adult conversation rather than "making" him leave the house.

Hosting his mates with no return invites? cf territory that op...

As the saying goes, OP, you have a DH problem.

The expectation of everything being done as it was when you were a SAHM is one thing, but DH being needy sounds like a far bigger issue. How do you think he'd react if you were as honest with him directly as you've been on here? i.e. saying to him something along the lines of 'DH I find it really claustrophobic and stressful because you never give me any space, you are being really needy and a bit pathetic, things have got to change because I can't carry on like this?'

That might sound a bit brutal but it's the reality, from what you're saying.

I sympathise hugely because your situation would really stress me out, I really need time on my own but luckily don't have a DH like yours.

Sounds like you're going to have to tackle this head on. I had a bit of this with my DH and had to stamp it out. (I now have my own room which is brilliant.)

Some phrases you might want to practice...

"I'm going for some quiet time now but I'll be back later."
"I'm going to go and read for a while."

"I love you but I do need time to myself. So don't get funny about it, right?" (That's assuming you do actually love him and don't want to stab him in the face with a fork.)

Then if you get disturbed...

"Do you need something or have you just come up to annoy me?"
"Is there any reason why you can't let me have an hour or two to myself?"
"Is this an emergency situation or just you demanding my attention again?"

Lol what a generous offer from him.

Just turn your show on and focus on it?

I sympathise, my DH works from home and has zero social life. He doesn't have any friends he does not go out except to visit in-laws once a week with smallest DC. (Covid has knocked him on his arse confidence wise- a whole other thread) He mainly wants my company the moment I'm at home. Mostly my alone time to just not be talked at is my commute to the office and back and going out for a run.
We have older kids at uni ( but live at home) and a younger one in primary.

But I still watch my tv shows. Nothing/no one is stopping me watch the Mandalorian right now! He is fully aware of this ( as are big kids) and doesn't make a thing about it, sometimes he joins me sometimes he doesn't (he'll go and do some work in the office) If he wants to watch something he'll say so and I'll either join him or sit and read. So we've reached a compromise which works for us.

@Brefugee the first 4 years of the relationship he did 3 on 3 off 12 hours days then nights, for 8 years he then did 12 hours 4 on 4 off. Was fantastic for holidays 😅Then he took a U turn in career and went Mon-Fri 8 hours. So I have had to adjust not just hours but from shifts too. And go full time myself now youngest is full time school.

Have read your updates. As an alternative to all the sensible suggestions above could you ask him to take the children out once a week/fortnight for a few hours at the weekends? Or just go out one evening! Give him the options and let him/suggest an alternative. Honestly I’d go mad without any time by myself

It's a nice thought but impossible with my DP. He will just keep starting conversations with me, or he'll half pay attention and keep making jokes about what's going on (which obviously he won't fully understand as he doesn't watch it). I'll end up hearing about 25%. I can only watch light hearted things I'm not that bothered about when he's around, because he just ruins it.

Thank you for the replies. 💐
I think a family meeting needs to be called and new rules for the house cores.
Thank you to the poster that suggested giving people rooms rather than jobs, I think this may be the best idea going forward.
If DP wants a nice clean living room to chill in he can do it. I will do the back room as I work in there 🙂
I'm sure you will be glad to know 6 months ago I put my foot down and refused to clean after his social nights in (I know I shouldn't have been doing it in the first place) I broke that camels back, now on to the next.
I should of overhauled it all when I first started, it's just it's been a lot of change for us all.

Oh you’re so not being unreasonable! I’ve also just gone back to work full time (5.5 days a week) after years of working part time and the thing I miss the MOST is the time alone in a house I’ve just cleaned, with a coffee and the birds. I’ll struggle more in the summer I think, when I just want to be in the garden. Feel for you :)

Then he took a U turn in career and went Mon-Fri 8 hours. So I have had to adjust not just hours but from shifts too

@Greenflamesburn i feel your pain. I had 5 evenings a week, and weekend days, with only me and the DC, and as they got older just me. It was bliss.

It's a nice thought but impossible with my DP. He will just keep starting conversations with me, or he'll half pay attention and keep making jokes about what's going on

i have had this in the past with a family member. I paused the show and said very clearly "stop interrupting me i am watching this. Stop. Talking."

and then did it to them when they were watching something, just to drive the point home

Right OP, I'm sorry, but actually your Dh is starting to sound like a controlling knob. He wants your company all the time so you can't even get an hour to watch an episode of Greys Anatomy or whatever? What happens if you say you want a night out just to go out - not for a hobby, not with the DC, just you and a girlfriend? Do you have to go to bed at the same time as him as he can't sleep when you're not there? You are now working full time and, one assumes, contributing financially, and yet you're still doing all the chores and housework and childcare (if I'm understanding correctly?).

the "I want him to go out once a month so I can watch tv" question is starting to feel like the tip of a very large iceberg.