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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider giving up work?

81 replies

Nettlesandbriar · 28/03/2023 06:45

I know MN tends to be anti SAHM, but I have a fairly unique set of circumstances which contribute here.

I was pretty old when I met DH and had already lost both parents. After my dad (surviving parent) died I bought a flat outright as an investment, this is rented out. So I do have a small income from that. I also had a house I used to live in which is now rented out; however there is a mortgage on that and we don’t really make a profit as such.

I was 40 when I had DS. He’s now 2, and I’m expecting his brother / sister midsummer.

DHs work has always been a bit all over the place and I knew this and it’s what I signed up for. He sometimes works away, visiting clients, sometimes abroad but mostly in the uk. What has changed recently is that when he wasn’t visiting clients he was good to WFH but now the company as a whole want people to come in Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and only WFH Monday and Friday if they aren’t visiting a client.

I work three days a week and these have to either be at the beginning or end of the week, Monday to Wednesday or Wednesday to Friday. I also teach, which is very inflexible and a real headache when (which isn’t unheard of) DS is ill and can’t go to nursery and Dh is away. Things like parents evenings can prove difficult. In the future I know it will work out well from a holiday point of view, but right now it’s a stress.

If I wasn’t working, I keep thinking that we’d all have so much more flexibility. Even things like being able to spend time as a family in term time on holiday without spending a fortune. If DH goes to visit clients in e.g. Ireland we could all go, I could see some of the local sights etc and have DH around in the evenings rather than trying to wrangle two kids and a job (albeit part time) alone. At the moment, things do feel rushed and frantic and as if everything is a stress. We have a good relationship, we are kind to one another, we help one another out, but even so, we are only just managing in many ways.

Is it madness? I don’t know. When I first went back three days a week it felt like living the dream but now I’m longingly thinking of just dropping that side of my life Sad

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 28/03/2023 06:52

I'd consider a two year break, to start with. Of course your DH needs to be in on the decision. How easily would you be able to get back into work later on?

Fedupofdiets · 28/03/2023 06:53

Surely it all depends on finances and whether this is something you can afford? Two DC in nursery must be very expensive so unless you earn much more than the fees why not give up work for now? It sounds like the best option all round. If you are a teacher then you will not be walking away from a career that would be difficult to get back into?

BCBird · 28/03/2023 06:56

Do what suits you and the family. I teach have, only myself to.look after and this year went part time 0.8.

Musicparent23 · 28/03/2023 06:56

I would take a break until they start school then look again. Just make sure you have full access to money whilst you're off and consider additional pension contributions. If you don't already claim child benefit make sure you do as this counts for your NI contributions.

jclm · 28/03/2023 06:57

Are you in the UK? If so, you could take a full year of maternity leave and then see how you feel after that?

I had two children 17 months apart. I was made redundant after returning from my second maternity leave and I was a SAHM until the youngest was in reception. Me being at home really took the pressure off (they are ill constantly). I have lots of wonderful memories of taking them to the beach and toddler groups. Our second child is disabled and it helped that I was able to attend all the appointments without having to take time off work.

Musicparent23 · 28/03/2023 06:59

Ps you could always do some tutoring or invigilating to keep your hand in, or become a trustee/ school governor if you're worried about career progression.

FullaSpjäll · 28/03/2023 06:59

I totally get it.
Could you ask to go to 0.4 (just to keep up pensions contributions etc)?
If you do step away, given the teacher recruitment crisis isn't predicted to go away any time soon, you'll be able to go back to work when you want to.
Taking a few years out while yours are small will be a dream!

YoungMotherHubbardsDog · 28/03/2023 07:01

I know MN tends to be anti SAHM,

I don't think this is true.

What MN does do is highlight the folly of a woman making herself financially dependent on a man.

I told all the kids (girls) not to even think about having a child with a man unless they were financially, mentally, emotionally and physically prepared to raise that child alone.

Stable situations can change in a heartbeat. I've seen families thrown into poverty due to unexpected redundancy, death and illness of the primary earner.

So it's a 'No' from me.

Hailtheteam · 28/03/2023 07:04

Absolutely fine. I can see you will save on some things but you are adding in costs when envisioning this lifestyle such as travelling. Will you have money for that?

Katesdeadbehindtheeyes · 28/03/2023 07:06

I'd have to agree with the poster above in being financially dependent on someone. It's a lovely idea but I'd be worried incase I ended up on my own with out a job.

mycoffeecup · 28/03/2023 07:06

If you're a teacher, could you tutor in the evenings? Hourly rate much higher.

Original poster
Nettlesandbriar · 28/03/2023 07:16

Thanks so much for the replies.

So - two children in nursery for three days a week does work out expensive, around £1300. However, my take home pay is currently just under £1700, so I would still make a profit, and also we are set to see a pay rise in September, although it probably won’t be loads. However, if I was to stay in work, DS will be entitled to 30 hours come January, which will bring that bill down a little.

Tutoring in the evening, I don’t know. I have to admit it’s never appealed, and plus I’d have to get people to come here, and we probably aren’t in the most convenient of locations.

@Hailtheteam yes and no re additional costs. At the moment, we’re obviously paying peak prices for family holidays. We haven’t yet managed anything exotic, just U.K. holidays but even a week at centre parcs was such a lot of money, and for even a week later it was less than half the price. DH has never once uttered a single word of complaint, not even ‘wouldn’t it be nice if …’ but I know there’s a part of him that would love to have a break in the sun without it breaking the bank!

On the flip side of that, getting back into teaching should be easy but things change so rapidly that I’d worry in a few years my references and knowledge would be out of date. I’m also expensive compared to the ECTs I’d be competing with.

@FullaSpjäll - I have considered 0.4, and I think that this would actually be really helpful when ds has started school and I have another little one at home: keep a couple of ‘days off’ but (if possible) try to have some late starts/early finishes so ds doesn’t need wraparound care.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 28/03/2023 07:17

I would give up work personally. I'd find it too stressful to juggle 2 kids and work.

You have the flat and if things went wrong you could always sell it. You can also get back into teaching at a later date if you wanted to.

roundcork · 28/03/2023 07:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the user.

StripyHorse · 28/03/2023 07:22

Presumably you are going on maternity leave soon, so there is plenty of time to work out finances before you have to decide for certain.

One thing that came across in your post is the idea that you will have all the flexibility to travel with DH / holiday whenever you like - apart from the cost side (if you can afford it, brilliant) it sounds like you are only going to have another year or so after mat leave before DC1 starts school and you are back to being tied to term times.

You might find that with DH away and no adult contact during the day, it is lonlier than you think it will be. The only way to know for sure though is to do it.

Supply teaching may give you some middle ground eventually, but it is tricky when you are paying for childcare because you can't guarantee having work on any day.

Divebar2021 · 28/03/2023 07:24

My sister is a teacher and does some tutoring in the evening for a company with a tutoring centre…. I’m not sure what the official name of them are. There are several dotted around. In any case she doesn’t have children in the home.

JJ456 · 28/03/2023 07:26

I can’t give up work as we don’t have income from rentals etc and already struggling with cost of living. So I say do it!! Take advantage of your position.

DustyLee123 · 28/03/2023 07:27

I was a SAHM for several years. My only regret was not getting DH to pay into my pension for those years.

Cosmos123 · 28/03/2023 07:27

Think of your pension contributions.
Time goes so quick.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 28/03/2023 07:32

Why not go on supply list for your local authority? You can pick and choose and just not work if DH is away? Financial dependence on a man is a slippery slope and not one I’d encourage any women to embark on. Online tutoring is great too - I’m a teacher and I tutor online in the evenings 2 hours a week and bring in an additional £250 a month.

Mindymomo · 28/03/2023 07:35

Have you considered selling the property that you rent out and are only making a small profit on. I think I would do that and stay at home until all 3 are in paid for childcare or school. You never get this time again with young children.

Endofmytetherfinally · 28/03/2023 07:36

If you can afford it and DH is on board go for it. 3 days is a pretty manageable workload already for a lot of parents but if it's not giving you the flexibility you want reconsider when your youngest is at school. I echo what PP have said about boredom and loneliness though. I've only been able to manage 6 months mat leave without feeling the pull to go back (4 days).

iusedtobeasize8 · 28/03/2023 07:37

Katesdeadbehindtheeyes · 28/03/2023 07:06

I'd have to agree with the poster above in being financially dependent on someone. It's a lovely idea but I'd be worried incase I ended up on my own with out a job.

If that situation arose then she could get a job. She owns 2 properties- one of them outright- so she isn't going to be penniless if she were to divorce. There's no point planning for a situation that may not happen. OP enjoy your babies while they're little - you can always return to work when they start school.

lightisnotwhite · 28/03/2023 07:37

Katesdeadbehindtheeyes · 28/03/2023 07:06

I'd have to agree with the poster above in being financially dependent on someone. It's a lovely idea but I'd be worried incase I ended up on my own with out a job.

But then the Op could go back into teaching.
It’s an easy profession to rejoin. You don’t need to take exams or retrain every few years.

sst1234 · 28/03/2023 07:43

The number of thread on this forum where women give up their independence by becoming SAHM and then the balance tips over and they become unhappy with their situation. No one in their right mind would ever advise any woman of relying on anyone else.