To consider giving up work?

[Nettlesandbriar]

I know MN tends to be anti SAHM, but I have a fairly unique set of circumstances which contribute here.

I was pretty old when I met DH and had already lost both parents. After my dad (surviving parent) died I bought a flat outright as an investment, this is rented out. So I do have a small income from that. I also had a house I used to live in which is now rented out; however there is a mortgage on that and we don’t really make a profit as such.

I was 40 when I had DS. He’s now 2, and I’m expecting his brother / sister midsummer.

DHs work has always been a bit all over the place and I knew this and it’s what I signed up for. He sometimes works away, visiting clients, sometimes abroad but mostly in the uk. What has changed recently is that when he wasn’t visiting clients he was good to WFH but now the company as a whole want people to come in Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and only WFH Monday and Friday if they aren’t visiting a client.

I work three days a week and these have to either be at the beginning or end of the week, Monday to Wednesday or Wednesday to Friday. I also teach, which is very inflexible and a real headache when (which isn’t unheard of) DS is ill and can’t go to nursery and Dh is away. Things like parents evenings can prove difficult. In the future I know it will work out well from a holiday point of view, but right now it’s a stress.

If I wasn’t working, I keep thinking that we’d all have so much more flexibility. Even things like being able to spend time as a family in term time on holiday without spending a fortune. If DH goes to visit clients in e.g. Ireland we could all go, I could see some of the local sights etc and have DH around in the evenings rather than trying to wrangle two kids and a job (albeit part time) alone. At the moment, things do feel rushed and frantic and as if everything is a stress. We have a good relationship, we are kind to one another, we help one another out, but even so, we are only just managing in many ways.

Is it madness? I don’t know. When I first went back three days a week it felt like living the dream but now I’m longingly thinking of just dropping that side of my life

we both gave up work (disabled dc) and it’s been transformative. We actually have a quality of life now and didn’t before . If you need to give up temporarily or permanently for your quality of life then do so and don’t feel guilty !

Yes, do it if it makes sense. They are tiny for such a short amount of time. Although it was hard work I really loved being a SAHM.

Hi OP, I gave up work for similar reasons and it’s the best decision we ever made. My OH can be very busy and often away with work so it means that I have the flexibility if the kids are ill/to do School runs. My OH is still very supportive so it’s not like I’m chained to the kitchen sink. My back up plan (I don’t think I’d need it!) is that I’d be prepared to take on any job should our circs suddenly change. Whilst some people might labour the point of not being financially dependent on OH, don’t work just for this reason only. The time with your children whilst they are young is invaluable and life is so less stressful!xx

From one teacher planning an exit to another, have you considered what else you could do with your transferable skills?
I know plenty of experienced teachers who've decided enough is enough and have found that taking some time with the children and retraining has given them a better overall quality of life.

If you're not particularly drawn to be a SAHP then finding another avenue when you're on maternity leave might be something to consider. It pushes the decision into the future a little.

You are 40
See financisl advisor
Work out your pension
With and without paid employment
At 60 your kds will be needing funding for uni
How will you do that

Possibly @LolaSmiles . I think there are some avenues I could explore.

@cestlavielife i am 42, in terms of funding for university, DH will be working. Then we have two properties as well as the one we live in, and plus may well get an inheritance from DHS parents, although can’t be sure of course.

The last thing that you should DH is drag the kids along on your DH's works trip. He is there to work not have a mini break with family and it will 100% not the go the way the mental picture you have in your head for it, which will cause you 2 to fall out.

@whattodo1975 the thing is, people reply so confidently with statements like that but the truth is you have no idea what DH does or how his work trips are structured. It wouldn’t be a ‘holiday’ in the sense that he would have some work to do, but this wouldn’t stretch into the evenings. Struggling with two children alone and then spending the evening alone or working all day and spending the evening alone can feel a bit sad for both parties.

Do not underestimate how much of a pain in the arse it is travelling with 2 small children. Yes he maybe on hand to help in the evening, but is that really worth the stress and strains and packing/travelling/finding suitable accommodation etc etc for you and 2 little ones. It will not be how you envisage it being.

If he has to work away, then i think you kind of have to just suck that up a bit, many parents do, the answer isn't to go with him when he's away.

No, not always. It’s one consideration of many: I think the point is that not working allows for flexibility which we just don’t have at the moment.

Well I did it and am now out the other side. My youngest child is 17, oldest is at uni. I became a sahm when DC1 was a toddler due to a relocation job move for Dh. I have a disability that became much more manageable whilst I was between jobs. As we planned a second child it made sense to try out being a sahm for at least a year. That turned into a permanent thing.

The scary thing was relying on a man for money because I didn't own another house etc as we met when we had both just finished uni. Even though we had been together 9 years at the point I became a sahm and married for 6 years I didn't know if Dh's attitude to how I spent money would become an issue if I was no longer contributing to the pot. It didn't. He actively encouraged spending, I had access to all bank accounts and Dh never scrutinised my spending.

It is the best thing we ever did. I could manage all the home stuff, Dh was a hands on Dad from day one anyway and that didn't change. He had spent a lot of time one on one with Dc so knew how difficult it was to get things done with a toddler making mess in another area. He respects what I did, his own Mother was a sahm till he was in secondary. We both had a lot of respect for her.

The house felt far less stressful and frenetic, Dh's life became easier, no time off for sick children, we had previously shared that when DC1 was in nursery, no leaving meetings early for nursery pick ups. He was able to progress his career and earn more money. Yes, at times it is a very lonely existence, all the other sahms returned to work. There is just me and one other long term sahm left. Housework drudgery kicks in early on but now with podcasts, music on demand and streaming tv programs you can get through a lot of dull stuff.

We have absolutely no regrets about our decision.

Take all the maternity leave you can, and then look at flexible options to keep your skills in (and importantly; keep you engaged in the workplace so that you don't loose confidence). Do online tutoring- your teaching skills will give you an advantage; or look at supply work?

The issue with sahp is women's financial independence. You have this in the form of monthly rental income so I would totally make the decision to be a sahp in your shoes. The mums i work with have life so much harder until the kids are teens. What will you do to supplement lost pension earnings?

What age is your husband planning to retire and do you have a pension?

What you have described here does indeed sound great and pleased it has worked for you, but how many years extra has it put on to his working life?

Does it matter? Surely her husband weighed all this up with @Whatsallthisabout and they decided it was best for her to be a SAHM.

I’m a teacher in a similar position, a little ahead of you timeline-wise as I have a DS 4 and DD 7 months. My husband’s job is all over the place and I’m alone with the kids a lot.

I work 4 days a week and JUUUST about manage. I used to have a side business of piano lessons after school but I dropped those once DD came along and i can’t foresee going back to that anytime soon.

I often dream about not working but in the end I realise that my 4-day a week gig is good and I won’t give it up.

Why not?

• Money. I’m a HoD and paid well at my private school. This allows us to have a nice lifestyle where I don’t have to worry too much about money. If I quit, we could manage but it would be counting every cent with no wiggle room at all.
• I love my job. My school is great and I genuinely love working there, even if some days suck
• I’m building my pension.
• Im setting an example for my kids, especially DD of working hard. However, I had a workaholic absent mother so I’m aware that this doesn’t always work out as you plan
• Im building my career to the point that I could move back into a higher management role once my kids are grown. It’s really important to consider what you’ll do in those 5-10 years before retirement.
• I still get 12 weeks a year holidays with my DC where we can do fun stuff and enjoy our city. I don’t feel that I’m missing time with them at all.

However, this life is tiring. I go to bed at 8:30pm every night (DC wake up at 5am) and have no social life beyond a weekly exercise class and church. But I’m happy and feel that I have a good balance.

I should also mention that DH is amazing, active father and pulls his weight. If he didn’t I would be in a very different position I think.

But was the decision made based on how their lives were at the time (when kids were little and needed extra looking after) and with that need gone i personally think it is a little unfair to keep one parent slogging away for a lot longer in order to fund a retirement for 2 people.

@Dacadactyl thank you for your comment and @whattodo1975 firstly you clearly missed the bit where I said I am disabled. I used to volunteer one morning a week and that would see me physically exhausted and wipe me out for the afternoon. I had children in school so could do this and still do the school run. No one would employ me, I am attached to a TENs machine for pain relief on a regular basis and suffer from chronic fatigue. Not everyone has the ability to work.

Dh hasn't put any extra years into working. Firstly he isn't even 50, we got onto the housing ladder in 2000 so our mortgage is small compared to our outgoings. I have a brand new car that I just bought for myself, we travel to the US for holidays and haven't had to worry about our utility bill going up, I still get to heat up the hot tub for pain relief.

Dh loves his job, he is paid very well as he went into a graduate job on leaving uni. He has excelled, advanced and his job makes a difference to people's lives. I cannot stress enough how much he loves the people he works with and the environment he works in. We are incredibly happy, we saved £40k to put the children through uni, we have other savings too. Not everyone struggles financially. I worked until I was 31 and ploughed a shit load of "my" money into renovating the house we were in to increase the value. We now live in beautiful Yorkshire in a lovely big house. Dh is still very happy to have the house looked after by me. He mainly works from home and we have lunch together every day, he certainly does not feel hard done to. In fact he is incredibly grateful.

@Teachingteacher that does sound tiring. I’m not honestly sure I’d be able to manage, although obviously my children are younger (well, one is not born yet!)

Re DH and work - it’s very hard to say. I think one of the big issues is that he’s expected to be ‘there’ more and more due to a bit of a change in the company ethos, and since we don’t exactly live locally, that means that organising the logistics of school and nursery runs, cooking, parents evenings, sports days, do fall on me. That’s fine but doing that and working is a hard slog. I almost feel like it’s ‘better’ in many ways to just accept parenting is two jobs, caring and providing, and let DH get on with the providing and I’ll sort the caring. But of course it is not that simple.

You sound sensible and level headed OP.Maybe see how you go with Maternity leave .If you enjoy it then it could be a good thing .As a Teacher you could return at a later date without too many problems? Its always a gamble ,but juggling young children with 2 parents careers can be very stressful.You have some security re your properties.I think going with DH to Ireland on work trips could be good as well.

If you can afford it, do it. According to your figures you would be doing £1300's worth of work for just £400; and you would be "frantic" - your whole family would be better off if you were not frantic, as all working mothers are, so grab this chance for a while and try and do the odd bit of tutoring to keep your hand in. You will not regret it.

It’s not actually. Things change year on year and newer and thus cheaper teachers are qualifying every June.

Having RTFT, as a teacher, I’m a bit worried about all the people advising OP that teaching is easy to get back into! It’s not! If you’re at the top of the pay scale you cost your local authority nearly twice as much as a newly qualified teacher - realistically, who are they going to employ? Temporary contracts are soaring, many teaching staff don’t have a permanent post anymore. If I were you OP I’d look into either supply, tutoring, or something else you could fit around your kids. I believe strongly that being a SAHM is dangerous for women (or men if a SAHD) as no one should be dependent on another person. Even the happiest of marriages can change in an instant and people die too! The OP sounds like a lovely person regarding her mortgaged house but for those saying she’s got somewhere to go if she moves out, is this true? Would she chuck out her tenant, disabled kids and all?? Unlikely! And there are rental contracts with prevent this even if she wanted to.

The good thing about teaching is that it’s easy to take a career break and then go back so the concerns most have about giving up work just don’t apply. It’s so hard to manage working when you have 2 DC they are both pre school. Maybe can wait until oldest in reception and then only paying nursery fees for one.

If it’s something you want and if you can afford it, I don’t see why not.