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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that the first time my 8yo is left without adult supervision, I'd want to know about it? And plan for it?

43 replies

Clarinet60 · 12/02/2008 23:55

Good friend took ds (8) for a long walk today while I was working. There were 3 boys (two 9-year-olds and my 8-yr-old). On their way back, she dropped them off at a playing field (which is not overlooked by any houses - it's on the edge of the village so they were totally alone) and drove home for an hour. I had no idea she was going to do this and the first I heard of it was when ds came home and told me. I know everyone has different ideas about when their children are old enough to be left, but I'd always thought it would be something I decided and planned for, not something that someone else would do to my child. I'm shocked, but have already decided not to make a fuss about it - will vote with my feet instead. What does anyone think?

OP posts:

KerryMum · 13/02/2008 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 00:51

Oh - I'm sorry Kerrymum.

OP posts:

branflake81 · 13/02/2008 07:46

you are being unreasonable. there was a group of them so he wasn;t alone.

LadyMuck · 13/02/2008 07:52

I can only assume that the other mother hadn't dreamt that this was the first time that your son was not under adult supervision.

When you say that you will "vote with your feet", what do you mean?

juuule · 13/02/2008 07:53

I would have expected to know what the drop-off arrangements were. Didn't she say when she would be bringing your ds back?
I would have at least wanted to speak to my 8yo to find out if they were okay with being dropped off and sorted out a plan for if something went wrong before I got home.
So, I don't think yabu.

magHOOVERlia74 · 13/02/2008 07:59

I would have been upset, If we have the girls friends over they do not go out of my sight unless I have spoken to their parenst 1st. (my twins are 8)

To be honest I don't like the idea of any child whether in a group or not being left far from the house.

It was far enough for her to drive home so not exactly close enough if they needed to get home quickly by themselves???

Chopster · 13/02/2008 08:01

personally I think you are being a bit overprotective about him being alone at 8, but I do agree that it should be your decision. I wouldn't dream of doing this with any of dd's friends. I think it would make more sense to have a chat and explain that you don't usually leave your ds unsupervised yet rather than stop him playing with his friends.

hercules1 · 13/02/2008 08:02

I have to say it wouldnt have bothered me. I was on my own or with my brother alone for hours at this time often away from home walking dogs on the moors!

What could possibly have happened?

I wouldnt have done though what the other mum did as I know many parents would object.

bossybritches · 13/02/2008 08:05

YANBU -8 is very young, but even if your child IS a mature sort who can be sensible it's not on for your friend to take that decision without asking you.

An emergency plan is a good idea just to give both sides confidence even if never used.

But if your are going to drop this good friend without discussing it first then it is only fair to suggest a chat. She may well, as Ladymuck says, have thought he'd done it before.

(or knowing what boys are like they may have all said "oh yes we've been left before!")

magHOOVERlia74 · 13/02/2008 08:11

I have to say it wouldnt have bothered me. I was on my own or with my brother alone for hours at this time often away from home walking dogs on the moors!

What could possibly have happened?

You are kidding right??? As awful as it is to say it anything could have happened

I do let my kids play outside without me but its within a short distance.
I would have a problem with the fact that it was a field driving distance away rather than the fact that they were without an adult.

Hassled · 13/02/2008 08:31

I had a similar thing when DS2 was 8 - went to play at friend's house, friend's mother went out to the shops for "quite a long time" leaving them alone and I knew nothing until DS2 got home and told me.
The issue wasn't so much that they were alone, because they were quite sensible 8 year olds, it was that I wanted that first grab at independence to be under my terms, after discussion with DS2, and when I at least knew about it.
SO I do see your point - I guess the mother in both our cases just assumed that it would be something our boys would have had experience of already, but as 8 is that sort of cross-over age the mothers really should have checked.

Original poster

Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 09:10

Thanks. When I say vote with my feet, I don't mean drop the friendship - I mean that I will be attending play dates in future.

OP posts:

Bridie3 · 13/02/2008 09:24

She probably should have checked but it wouldn't bother me. Depending on where you live, children of eight or nine are perfectly OK playing unsupervised.

Children are much more likely to be run over than abducted or attacked by strangers. A playing field with presumably no cars sounds safe. It's great they had all that fresh air and exercise.

juuule · 13/02/2008 09:27

Were they near home?
Were the other boys parents in?
What would have happened if there had been an accident? Where would they have gone?
Those are things that would have concerned me.

magHOOVERlia74 · 13/02/2008 09:28

True bridie and the fact that she was driving distance away, if they had decided to try and come home alone they could have been run over

Bridie3 · 13/02/2008 09:31

But what's 'driving distance' mean? Some people drive a quarter of a mile! And if they had to walk home it doesn't mean they'd be walking down the middle of a road, does it?

I think we need to know more about the location before we get all in a state about the danger. If it was a playing field in the middle of a big city surrounded by roads, two miles from home, it sounds scary. If it was a playing field on the edge of a rural village with no busy roads, it sounds pretty benign to me.

magHOOVERlia74 · 13/02/2008 09:35

But no busy roads means there is more chance of idiot drivers on country lanes ignoring speed limits.

I know what you mean about distance, if the field was a couple of small roads away maybe but any more than that is just too risky for young children imo

Iota · 13/02/2008 09:43

I do think that your friend should have checked with you. My ds1 is 8 and we are just starting to let him out of sight for short periods (at the playground, riding his bike etc)

Some of his friends are allowed out alone, some aren't.

stuffitall · 13/02/2008 09:45

YANBU
I always check with the mother first if they are alright for the children to be unsupervised for a time. It's a courtesy.
But apart from the fact that she should have done that, it's a nice way for your 8-y-old to start off being unsupervised.

duchesse · 13/02/2008 09:45

This is a situation in which I would ALWAYS check with the parents (only a phone call away after all- if they aren't available, I don't let them). I still check with my nearly 13 yr olds parents if we are planning on them doing something without supervision. You just never know what other people's children are used to, and can't really rely on what the child says to you, as they might say they are just to appear cool.

Having said all that, I doubt that your son was in any real danger, but understand your point. He must be pretty pleased at being allowed out without supervision, no?

KerryMum · 13/02/2008 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smartiejake · 13/02/2008 09:54

DD1 is 11 and has recently started to go out on her own (with a phone) However if she has a friend over I would always check with the child's parents that it was ok for me to leave them for a short while if I had to go out or for them to go to the park on their own.

I would feel uneasy about this situation too if my younger daughter was left somewhere unsupervised.

RosaRosa · 13/02/2008 09:56

She messed up by not clearing with you first.

Could be resolved by explaining how you feel about it tho, sure if you ask for things like this to be put by you in the future, you can carry on the arrangement?

OrmIrian · 13/02/2008 09:58

I would have checked with you first. We have a park across the road and my eldest 2 go there unsupervised all the time. But if we ever have a child visiting I always check that it's OK for them to go too. Maybe she just didn't think of it until too late. But in her shoes I wouldn't have allowed it on that occasion until I knew it was OK with you.

cory · 13/02/2008 10:40

Agree with Rosa. Though I sometimes let my own dc's out unsupervised, I watch over other people's children like an old clucking hen. And IME children understand quite well when you explain to them that you have to be more careful than their own parents.

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