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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that the first time my 8yo is left without adult supervision, I'd want to know about it? And plan for it?

43 replies

Clarinet60 · 12/02/2008 23:55

Good friend took ds (8) for a long walk today while I was working. There were 3 boys (two 9-year-olds and my 8-yr-old). On their way back, she dropped them off at a playing field (which is not overlooked by any houses - it's on the edge of the village so they were totally alone) and drove home for an hour. I had no idea she was going to do this and the first I heard of it was when ds came home and told me. I know everyone has different ideas about when their children are old enough to be left, but I'd always thought it would be something I decided and planned for, not something that someone else would do to my child. I'm shocked, but have already decided not to make a fuss about it - will vote with my feet instead. What does anyone think?

OP posts:
Bridie3 · 13/02/2008 10:45

...Just be careful how you broach it with your friend. Old friends are so precious and it would be a shame to spoil the friendship.

stuffitall · 13/02/2008 11:52

agreed bridie.. i think the best way to start "unsupervised" is with older children so what she did wasn't awful in itself, just the not asking you

I would say simply would you give me a call first next time as x isn't used to it and neither am I! she couldn't mind that..

Original poster
Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 12:32

Yes, I will explain to her that it was the first time.

It's a ten minute walk from her house, none of them had a phone, and cars drive like crazy there because there are no houses. We have been told by the police (through school)that a man in the next village tried to entice a girl into his car. Fortunately, she ran away, but the man was never caught and it isn't the first time it's happened in our area.
Not that I'd feel any differently if that wasn't the case - I'd just like the first time to be my choice and at the age I decide. As others have said, I look after other people's children much more fussily than my own - otherwise you may as well not be looking after them.

Yes, great to have all that fresh air and excercise but I could just let him have that every day in the holidays, couldn't I, while I'm working if that was my choice? I have chosen to look after them in a supervisory way, so when someone else offers to step into the breach, I expect them to do the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 12:34

Have yet to speak to the mother of the other child who was left - will do that later today.

I just think it's a bit silly to not know where your child is, and she should have told me.

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Original poster
Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 12:39

To give you a bit more context - a friend's 8 yr old drowned by falling out of a tree and knocking himself out, landing face down in a tiny bit of water while unsupervised, so for us, it's not a matter of 'what could possibly happen' - it has happened.

Which doesn't mean that all of us in the area will not let our kids go unsupervised ever - it just means that we are not as blythe as some of you. My other son has a brain tumour - million to one things do happen to me and mine.

I probably do reckless things sometimes to overcompensate the other way, as I don't want to smother - probably, the best way of putting it is that I will do what other people do and allow freedoms, but I can't be a pollyanna about it.

OP posts:
stuffitllama · 13/02/2008 12:49

Not smothering, you need to do what you feel is right. If you don't want it to happen again, say so, and it doesn't really matter what others (inc me) would advise. One day you might feel more comfortable with it. I've been criticised for being over protective but I do agree that something could happen to any of us or our children at any time, and at some point we just have to grit our teeth and let them experiment and made mistakes (and I have followed my kids at a distance, hidden behind trees etc but they never knew -- and now I'm more relaxed!)

wheresthehamster · 13/02/2008 12:50

I can imagine them in the car -

ds friends - "Let's go and play over the field!"
ds - "Oooh yes!"
the mum - "Will mummy mind you going over the field?"
ds - "Oh no, I've done it lots of times!"

Have heard versions of this MANY times

juuule · 13/02/2008 12:53

I've heard versions of it many times too. Which is why I would always check with the parent.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/02/2008 12:55

YANBU but the mother probably felt as she was okay with doing it for her child, then it was fine with someone else's.

MehgaLegs · 13/02/2008 12:55

YANBU - I would have checked and would be angry if my 8 year old had been in same situation.

Ineedacleaner · 13/02/2008 17:08

I think YANBU but I also think the other woman wasn't entirely unreasonable either in letting them. Yes 8 is still young but I can honestly say until this thread I had never encountered an 8 year old that had not been out to play on their own at least occassionaly and that is having lived in the city and the country so it probably never occured to her that she was doing anything wrong.

I would mention it but like someone said old friendships are precious and you don't want the woman to think you are very peed off about it as she did it with the best of intentions.

Kitti · 13/02/2008 17:40

At the end of the day it's your child and no-one else should be making decisions for your child without checking with you first and should certainly necer trust what the child tells them! I am the same way - when other peopels' kids come round and tell me that they're allowed to go off to the park alone I say tough your mum thinks you're here and that's where you'll be when she comes to collect you. I would want other parents to do the same. I am an over-protective mother and I live by the what ifs as people are constantly telling me but plenty of bad things do happen - people always jump up and down about "what are you afraid they'll be taken by a paedophile" well it's not exactly unheard of is it? But more to the point a thousand other things could have happened like they could have seen some friends and decided to wander off from the park or gone round another mate's house - probably perfectly safe but then neither you or the other mother would have known. Kids just don't think they act. YANBU.

hercules1 · 14/02/2008 07:58

The chances of being abducted by a paed are very very slim. They had far more chance of being hurt in the car being driven to a friend's house etc.

juuule · 14/02/2008 11:31

It is the chance of accidents (broken bones, serious cuts, etc) that I would be more concerned about and not having an adult to go to help to.

Chequers · 14/02/2008 11:40

Message withdrawn

batters · 14/02/2008 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmommy6 · 14/02/2008 11:52

I wouldn't leave my soon to be 8yr old on her own with just two friends.Like juuule said want happens if one gets hurt.Do 2 go for help leaving one or one go for help on there own.iykwim
And the unthinkable does happen.
A lady got stabbed to death out side my house in the summer hols in the day time,with loads of people around.The man run off day the road,where my ds was walking the dog at the back of the shops.He walked right passed my ds.The police later found the knife that was used where my ds had said he had walked passed him.I still found it hard to get it out of my head what could have happened.
Has a parent it is down to us to decide when and where our dc go.The friend should have checked with you fist.

Original poster
Clarinet60 · 14/02/2008 19:15

madmommy, that's terrible.

Hi batters!

Thanks for everyone's opinions.

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