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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House is a mess and dog had no water

102 replies

Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 09:57

I’ve been sick in bed this weekend and Dp has had to take over. If it ever happens, I know downstairs will be messier etc, but I’ve come down this morning and it’s just a mess everywhere, the dogs bowl had no water and no food, I know she ate last night, it’s the water that’s really bothered me. There’s just bits of things strewn everywhere, some dishes still to wash. Granted, he did a lot of washing, but it’s been left on a chair, not put away. It sounded all stressy all weekend with Dd, 4 downstairs, he eventually took her out to the playground after me suggesting it as she’d been in all weekend on such a lovely weekend. The dog poo hasn’t been picked up from the garden. He bought food, but it’s a weird mix of spaghetti hoops, beans, chips and mozarella sticks 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ve no doubt that he found this weekend hard with me in bed as I could tell by how stressed he sounded, is this normal?
Am I expecting too much?
I’m able to keep the place tidy, shop and cook healthy food, pick up the dog crap, sort Dd, take her and the dog out, feed and water the dog, plus go to work on a daily basis, this is probably why I’m always knackered
Am I being too harsh?
All I can think is, imagine if I wasn’t here? It would all go to shit. When men sometimes say they’d want custody of the child in the event of a split, is that a joke.
So I’ve come down still feeling ill, to feed and give water to our lovely dog, washed dishes, tidied some things up (can’t face the rest at the moment) will have to do the poo and all the washing put away later. He went out to a friends until late last night so could’ve done lots of it.

OP posts:
FOJN · 27/03/2023 10:01

One person thinks you are being unreasonable!

YANBU sounds like he needs more practice.

Make plans to give him the space to develop his "competent adult and parent" skills.

Backtoreality1 · 27/03/2023 10:02

I have voted yabu as you have come down and picked up his lazy slack! Write a list of what needs to be done, put it where he can't miss it (middle of tv screen!) and head back to bed. His behaviour is that of a spoilt teenager.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:03

@Backtoreality1 He’s gone to work and I can’t sit in this and obviously won’t leave the dog like this

OP posts:
AwayThenBack · 27/03/2023 10:04

Fees the dog, tidy the area you want to sit in and ensure you go back to bed with a massive list written and stuck where he can see it. He’s an adult he’s capable of tidying, sorting the dog, dishes and childcare. He just didn’t prioritise any of it and assumed you’d sort it as normal. You shouldn’t need to do it all he should be doing his share. Time to make changes.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:05

Oh and he went to work late this morning, came up and said ‘It’s 9 o’clock’ (he’s meant to leave at 8) I don’t think he even knew the clocks went forward or he overslept as was out late

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:08

@AwayThenBack He sounded stressed so I honestly think this maybe was him trying to keep on top of it, Dd is very active and quite intense, but yes, it’s hard work! He spent a lot of the time on the computer messing about. I know weekends are for relaxing too but ffs
It just glaringly shows the difference when I’m not around

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:09

I just feel massively put off and like he can’t cope with anything

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 27/03/2023 10:11

Mines the same, really baffles me and puts me off them as a person.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:13

@MeMyBooksAndMyCats Its just a bit pathetic? I’m sure he’ll feel he’s had a really hard weekend…but that’s all the stuff I'd normally be doing
It is a worry if I wasn’t around, scares me

OP posts:
Whatsshecalled · 27/03/2023 10:15

I could live with the mess, shouldn't have to obviously, but not taking basic care of the dog and having to be asked to take dd out is just really rubbish adult-ing, these things are the priority, young kids are a nightmare is they haven't been out for a run around and make everything else harder, he should know this and not need telling.

Allmyplantsdie · 27/03/2023 10:15

Writing a list of things to do is still taking the mental load on.

it amazes me on mumsnet how so many people don’t recognise the mental energy it takes to manage a house. A lady yesterday was saying about her husbands washing(and him just leaving stuff on the floor etc) so many people were saying just tell him to do it. You know what… it is exhausting. Managing everything, nagging, looking around checking what needs to be done.

you are not being unreasonable for wanting it done OP, and you are not unreasonable for wanting a grown adult to notice or remember that a dog needs a bowl of water, washing needs to be put away, and if you are going to do a food shop you actually need to buy complete meals.

toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 10:18

So if you had been well at the weekend what is the split of chores/parenting/socialising/free time between the 2 of you?

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:22

@toomuchlaundry I suppose I don’t even notice and just naturally tidy around all the time. I leave dishes in the sink for him to do at the weekend as I’m not doing it all, I generally cook, because I prefer my cooking and don’t mind that. We’d generally both keep an eye on the dog water and food, he would maybe do some washing-wash and put out sometimes, but not put away usually.
Going out-taking the dog for a walk and Dd out is generally always my suggestion.
Honestly, I can’t imagine life with a man who isn’t like this, how amazing it must be

OP posts:
Kokeshi123 · 27/03/2023 10:25

I can understand the house being a bit messier than usual when there is only one parent around instead of two, but what you describe here is just not good enough. Especially if he also found time for doing fun stuff with mates!?!?

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:27

@Kokeshi123 That was when she’d gone to bed, he went straight out

OP posts:
Scalottia · 27/03/2023 10:33

Useless man. But I am sure someone will be along to suggest ADHD soon. Sigh, why do people stay in these relationships? He needs to do better, and you need to expect better.

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/03/2023 10:33

I could have written this - so snap!

Women can't afford to be ill.

I've been ill since Saturday morning (V&D). The house this morning is an absolute tip. The dishwasher hasn't been loaded since Friday evening. There are takeaway bags and rubbish piled up in the kitchen. The downstairs loo is Confused because I haven't been cleaning up the piddle which they can't manage to direct into the pan. There are discarded socks/clothes everywhere which I usually pick up as I go along. Everything is sticky - there's sugar around the coffee maker which hasn't made it into the cup, and there's broken glass in the sink.

I'm still ill (feel sick when I stand up) and I can't face having to clear it all up.

When my husband is ill, I run myself ragged making sure he has drinks, food, checking him every hour. I would dehydrate and shrivel if it was left to him to care for me. I have to look after myself and manage. I've not had so much as one drink or paracetamol from him.

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic. Grin

I'm going back to bed - I just can't face it. He does nothing apart from please himself (and pee on and around the WC instead of in it).

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:42

@MyOtherCarIsAPorsche So sorry you’ve been ill too, we really just can’t be, it’s such a pressure

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:43

I’m trying to get better for work tomorrow, didn’t intend to spend the day tidying and putting washing away, picking up dog poo etc

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 10:43

Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:09

I just feel massively put off and like he can’t cope with anything

That's because he can't

Time he learned

BrioLover · 27/03/2023 10:43

This isn't normal. I hate the 'silly men, why can't they do it?' narrative. If I am unwell then DH picks up the slack. I don't come down to dog shit in the garden, a trashed house and I don't need to remind him to parent his own children.

This is the kind of thing that would leave me re-evaluating the relationship and my entire life tbh. If you can't rely on him when you're not well, then when exactly can you rely on him?!

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:44

@Nanny0gg But why, it’s not that hard, just involves actually having to do things and not sit around on the computer

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 10:44

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 27/03/2023 10:33

I could have written this - so snap!

Women can't afford to be ill.

I've been ill since Saturday morning (V&D). The house this morning is an absolute tip. The dishwasher hasn't been loaded since Friday evening. There are takeaway bags and rubbish piled up in the kitchen. The downstairs loo is Confused because I haven't been cleaning up the piddle which they can't manage to direct into the pan. There are discarded socks/clothes everywhere which I usually pick up as I go along. Everything is sticky - there's sugar around the coffee maker which hasn't made it into the cup, and there's broken glass in the sink.

I'm still ill (feel sick when I stand up) and I can't face having to clear it all up.

When my husband is ill, I run myself ragged making sure he has drinks, food, checking him every hour. I would dehydrate and shrivel if it was left to him to care for me. I have to look after myself and manage. I've not had so much as one drink or paracetamol from him.

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic. Grin

I'm going back to bed - I just can't face it. He does nothing apart from please himself (and pee on and around the WC instead of in it).

So when you're better, what will you do about him?

Babyboomtastic · 27/03/2023 10:44

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic.

It's not 'men: it's your man, and some others. It's strategic incompetence and lazyness. It's not the existence of their penis which renders then incapable, it's their attitude towards women and awareness that other people exist.

When I'm I'll, it's a little messier sometimes as there's only one adult helping not two, but nothing catastrophic. Laundry is done, uniforms are ironed, homework helped with, children and pets clean tidy, taken to school, nursery, whatever. No difference for cooking as he does over half anyway. The kids go out as much as usual, or they may stay and he does baking or craft with them.

I honestly think some women let men get away with this because they think it's an inevitable thing of being with a man 🤷‍♀️

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 10:45

Kokeshi123 · 27/03/2023 10:25

I can understand the house being a bit messier than usual when there is only one parent around instead of two, but what you describe here is just not good enough. Especially if he also found time for doing fun stuff with mates!?!?

Why? 1 small child and 1 dog aren't that challenging!

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