House is a mess and dog had no water

[Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit]

I’ve been sick in bed this weekend and Dp has had to take over. If it ever happens, I know downstairs will be messier etc, but I’ve come down this morning and it’s just a mess everywhere, the dogs bowl had no water and no food, I know she ate last night, it’s the water that’s really bothered me. There’s just bits of things strewn everywhere, some dishes still to wash. Granted, he did a lot of washing, but it’s been left on a chair, not put away. It sounded all stressy all weekend with Dd, 4 downstairs, he eventually took her out to the playground after me suggesting it as she’d been in all weekend on such a lovely weekend. The dog poo hasn’t been picked up from the garden. He bought food, but it’s a weird mix of spaghetti hoops, beans, chips and mozarella sticks 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ve no doubt that he found this weekend hard with me in bed as I could tell by how stressed he sounded, is this normal?
Am I expecting too much?
I’m able to keep the place tidy, shop and cook healthy food, pick up the dog crap, sort Dd, take her and the dog out, feed and water the dog, plus go to work on a daily basis, this is probably why I’m always knackered
Am I being too harsh?
All I can think is, imagine if I wasn’t here? It would all go to shit. When men sometimes say they’d want custody of the child in the event of a split, is that a joke.
So I’ve come down still feeling ill, to feed and give water to our lovely dog, washed dishes, tidied some things up (can’t face the rest at the moment) will have to do the poo and all the washing put away later. He went out to a friends until late last night so could’ve done lots of it.

@toomuchlaundry he certainly had to go to a shop to get those things.

I fully agree on the dog situation, it's out of order.

Awful op. Hope you ok. He good with dog here but laundry be piled up ha. Grown men should have the cop on to do stuff. But not nice when you unwell and things pile up.

Because he doesn't care?

What value does he add to your life?

I went away this weekend and left my DH with 2 children (5&4).

I came home at 6pm on Sunday to the children in the bath, a spotless house, with clean bedding, with dinner in the slow cooker.

Men are more than capable to do everything that a women is expected to do. You need to higher your standards and expect more.

He didn't 'buy the shopping' He got fuck all that was useful. I don't think he cooked a proper dinner either. He entertained the 4 year old when he was ASKED to take her to the park then went out that evening without a backward glance and managed to be late for work the following day

Make all the excuses you like but he is an absolute waste of space,

@Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit

I'd have gone downstairs, taken
one look at it, sorted the dog out & taken a cup of tea back to bed!

If I felt well enough to be left home alone & well enough to cope if DD had woken up, I wouldn't have cared if he went out last night, but a decent partner wouldn't have & certainly not leaving the house in that state when he was going to work today.

id be telling him I'm not coming downstairs until he sorts the house (and dog poo garden) out. It's not on to leave it looking like a wrecking ball has been through it.

tell him if he can't cope with DD alone for a weekend then he'd better not push you into leaving him!

he needs to grow the fuck up.

Well if youre always doing he's probably not used to having to manage it, so stop doing it all. do half and let him pick up the slack.

you don't need to constantly write lists he isn't a child. who gave you the magic list of things that need doing. he has eyes!

He did buy the shopping, OP clearly says he bought food. He done a lot of washing, OPs words. He sorted their child out. He cooked the food.

Anyway, I'm not getting into a debate with you I constantly see your username arguing with people on here. People are entitled to a different opinion to yours.

The problem is that when you're not ill you go around doing bits as and when they need doing. He doesn't recognise that a clean functioning house, an entertained toddler and a dog with water to drink are down to your efforts. He attributes them to the magic of the house fairy.

I'd suggest a very long talk with him when you're better, tell him how much you do that he doesn't notice, and draw up a list of chores for both of you.

@CupidStuntt you have a very low bar. I wonder if he had food at his friends, not sure he would have been too happy with spaghetti hoops all weekend

@toomuchlaundry I don't have a very low bar. Like I previously said we are 50/50 in our house. We eat fresh home cooked meals, would it be the end of the world one day that we had something like this? Course not! Would it be the end of the world some dog shit and washing being left til the next day? Course not.

With the exception of giving the dog water, none of that is stuff that isn’t a regular thing in millions of homes uo and down the country. People have different priorities and standards. Personally I wouldn’t be spending my weekend off washing clothes and putting them away and if I went to someone’s house and there were a few dirty dishes and some freshly washed clothes out it wouldn’t even register.

it’s nothing to do with being a man or a woman, and to suggest dads can’t care for their kids is appalling. You obviously place high value on certain things, but should accept that others see them as a waste of time and would rather be having fun.

I'm getting told I have a low bar for having this opinion. Some people are just very highly strung!

Correct.

Say a man was very proud of his lawn in a way the wife found excessive and OTT in that he mows stripes and takes hours on the edges when the whole thing could be done in 15 minutes and be acceptable to most people.

Imagine he went away and came back and complained that the wife had only spent half an hour on it and thought it was fine when he normally spends four to make it immaculate.

If he came on here and said that he would be slaughtered when in reality neither are right or wrong. They just have different priorities and standards.

Posters are all taking OP word for it being a tip. My guess is most of those posting would walk into a house in the same “state” and not bat an eyelid.

@Herbiebanannas I agree. If this was the other way around the responses would be totally different.

So, okay that he went out leaving a mess for his wife to tidy up, okay that he can't even get up on time in the morning

Did he leave it for his wife to tidy up? Or did she just tidy it up? He could have sorted it later, he could have already had those plans. Just because he left the house saying its 9am doesn't mean be blames her for getting up late. The world ain't ending because some dishes were left for 24 hours. Not ideal, but not telationship ending.

My partner is like this. There are certain things like giving water and biscuit to the cats that he just would never think to do. It makes me feel like I can never switch off entirely because I'm the only one that knows what needs doing and sees to everyone's needs. It's pathetic and really puts me off him. If I try and mention it he'll be stroppy or horrible with the attitude that NOTHING is ever good enough and why can't I appreciate he's TRIED. I don't ask for a pat on the back every day I manage to remember everything that needs doing!
I look after DD two days a week and manage to do chores, washing, cleaning etc at the same time. He literally looked after her and cooked some food for them/washed that up. I want to leave him because life would just be easier on my own, he doesn't add anything positive and he creates more mess/work for me.

When either my DH or I are ill we have an agreement that neither of us has to do all of our normal tasks because we will be doing some of the other persons tasks e.g. I might not get as much laundry done because I am doing more cooking than normal etc

But we have tasks that absolutely need to be done even if we are both ill e.g. everyone (including animals) needs to be fed and watered and the kitchen and bathroom kept as clean as possible

But crucially we also have a plan for how to help each other get back on track when we are better. So I don't come down from being ill to a pile of laundry and loads of tidying up to do. There is an expectation that my Dh will continue to do extra for a bit if I have been ill until its back on track

It might not be sexy, or romantic, or spontaneous enough for some couples, it might only work for us, but we never have arguments or get frustrated about the state of things after we have been ill

In my case its a necessity because I have disabilities so there are limits to what I can do so admittedly it might not be necessary for everyone but the side benefit is less arguments

My DH can manage doing stuff around they house and so can my dad. So it isn’t all men.

You do get some people on here who are very particular about how they like everything done, from cooking in a particular way to how they like the laundry dried etc. If I was married to someone like this I would rapidly become useless around the house.

My friends who are well organised, capable around the house and a little controlling (not saying the latter applies to you, OP) do seem to attract slightly inept men. I suppose it isn’t surprising really.

Am I expecting too much?

Yes, clearly a man can’t be expected to parent his own child, make sure his dog is fed, and look after the house. Don’t you realise a penis is a handicap when it comes to unpaid work? They just aren’t built for this stuff…

Or it could just be you married a misogynist

This but without the list. You're not his PA! He doesn't need a list, he needs to open his eyes and get on with it.

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic

I don’t think it’s men who are the pathetic ones here, it’s the women who tolerate and settle for this shit and make excuses for him because he’s a man.

You’re making excuses for a man who didn’t ensure his dog had water FFS.

IT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.