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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House is a mess and dog had no water

102 replies

Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 09:57

I’ve been sick in bed this weekend and Dp has had to take over. If it ever happens, I know downstairs will be messier etc, but I’ve come down this morning and it’s just a mess everywhere, the dogs bowl had no water and no food, I know she ate last night, it’s the water that’s really bothered me. There’s just bits of things strewn everywhere, some dishes still to wash. Granted, he did a lot of washing, but it’s been left on a chair, not put away. It sounded all stressy all weekend with Dd, 4 downstairs, he eventually took her out to the playground after me suggesting it as she’d been in all weekend on such a lovely weekend. The dog poo hasn’t been picked up from the garden. He bought food, but it’s a weird mix of spaghetti hoops, beans, chips and mozarella sticks 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’ve no doubt that he found this weekend hard with me in bed as I could tell by how stressed he sounded, is this normal?
Am I expecting too much?
I’m able to keep the place tidy, shop and cook healthy food, pick up the dog crap, sort Dd, take her and the dog out, feed and water the dog, plus go to work on a daily basis, this is probably why I’m always knackered
Am I being too harsh?
All I can think is, imagine if I wasn’t here? It would all go to shit. When men sometimes say they’d want custody of the child in the event of a split, is that a joke.
So I’ve come down still feeling ill, to feed and give water to our lovely dog, washed dishes, tidied some things up (can’t face the rest at the moment) will have to do the poo and all the washing put away later. He went out to a friends until late last night so could’ve done lots of it.

OP posts:
Peckhaminn · 27/03/2023 10:46

Nope. My DP knows if the house is left untidy when I'm away, it will cause more arguments than needed. It's not hard to tidy up and make sure the house is clean and tidy for when you are better. It's a lack of respect for me, or you do too much for him and feels you will pick up the slack. He needs to pull his weight. If I came home and the house was messy, my DP wouldn't want to be in the same room as me as I'd be furious. But then we are both clean freaks 🤣

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 10:48

Babyboomtastic · 27/03/2023 10:44

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic.

It's not 'men: it's your man, and some others. It's strategic incompetence and lazyness. It's not the existence of their penis which renders then incapable, it's their attitude towards women and awareness that other people exist.

When I'm I'll, it's a little messier sometimes as there's only one adult helping not two, but nothing catastrophic. Laundry is done, uniforms are ironed, homework helped with, children and pets clean tidy, taken to school, nursery, whatever. No difference for cooking as he does over half anyway. The kids go out as much as usual, or they may stay and he does baking or craft with them.

I honestly think some women let men get away with this because they think it's an inevitable thing of being with a man 🤷‍♀️

I don't get it - my DH is in his 70s. He might not cook, clean or tidy the same way I do but is more than capable of doing those things and actually does them.

Why is it so many of today's men can't?

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:52

I don’t know..I do like everything in its own place, so I wonder if I’m being too fussy as he probably wouldn’t even notice where those places were. He seemed so stressed by it all too 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 10:56

@Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit how often are you on your own with DD and how often is your DH? You need to step back if you do the majority of things, especially if you work too.

Can't believe he went out whilst you are still ill, seems he had time to do that rather than tidy up

AllTheDifference · 27/03/2023 10:57

These situations do not happen overnight. Presumably he has years of not pulling his weight behind him. So this weekend was a shock for him.

We have shared everything since day one. Laundry, cooking, childcare etc. So both of us keep our lives going if one of us is unwell, absent etc.

I wish you well but have no time for these unequal setups. Ugh.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 11:01

@toomuchlaundry I was in bed and Dd was asleep for the night, is that bad? Genuinely asking as not sure what to think

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 11:02

Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 10:44

@Nanny0gg But why, it’s not that hard, just involves actually having to do things and not sit around on the computer

Because he's never had to . You do it all

Wishawisha · 27/03/2023 11:02

I will say this about my family, DH falls apart when I go out and he tries to keep to my day plan. BUT when left to his own devices he is fine - he just needs to do things his own way. The children get fed, have a nice time, the house gets tidied, but just in a different way to the way I do it.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 27/03/2023 11:03

This is not acceptable behaviour from him op. Not at all.

With one parent out of action, things might be a bit messier and a bit more chaotic and that is absolutely fine. However, taking care of the dog and getting your dd out for some fresh air are bloody basic things and it is piss poor that he can't manage it. He needs to step up.

We have three kids and a dog. I've been fortunate enough not to have been ill for a while, but if I am out for a full day or away over night then everyone's basic needs are met! Yeah, it might be a bit of a mess, but fundamentally everyone is fine and happy, the dog will have been walked, the kids taken out, food cooked, washing done. It might all happen more slowly, and might not be done in the way I would do it in, but of course he does it. As any adult parent should!

Kokeshi123 · 27/03/2023 11:03

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 10:45

Why? 1 small child and 1 dog aren't that challenging!

Show quote history

Well, if my husband's away and it's just me, I might get less laundry put away than usual and less life admin done, things like that. I don't mean the house would be grim and there would be dog shit in the garden, obviously.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 11:03

@Wishawisha Dd was fine, happy and fed I suppose

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 11:05

@Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit he couldn't be bothered to tidy up before he went out last night and now has gone to work. At the very least he should have tidied up before going out. But if your DD had woken up whilst he was out, you would have had to deal with her even though you were still ill. Fine if he has to leave you with her when at work but not because he is socialising.

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 11:07

What do I do about it all, how often can I keep saying things and it possibly causing a row, it’s just so draining

OP posts:
ItsRainingPens · 27/03/2023 11:10

You're with a man child. He'll probably never change

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 11:13

Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 11:07

What do I do about it all, how often can I keep saying things and it possibly causing a row, it’s just so draining

I'd not do a damn thing for him if that were me. Does he have any redeeming qualities? (and please don't say well, DD adores him)

Original poster
Sunisshiningbutnotfeelingit · 27/03/2023 11:17

@Nanny0gg Not so sure anymore, I know if I say all this to him, he’ll be shocked as he’ll think he’s done loads, that’s what I don’t understand

OP posts:
CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 11:18

I think YABU, in the fact that you usually do everything by choice so he's not used to what it takes to keep the place running smoothly. He fed your child, he done the washing, he played with the child and took them out, granted he's left some dishes and not picked the dog poo up but just because you need everything put away instantly doesn't mean everyone does. The thing I couldn't accept is the dog with no food and water. That's out of order.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 27/03/2023 11:19

He's a grown man, who can have sex, reproduce, buy a house, vote, drive a car, have a job (the list goes on), there is absolutely no reason whatsoever that he can't look after HIS child and a house for a weekend, without leaving a shit tip for his wife to clear up! Tbh he should be utterly ashamed of himself

Cryalot2 · 27/03/2023 11:25

No your not unreasonable, perhaps it is showing your dh just how much you do.
Maybe he genuinely had no idea of housework.
The dog not having water was a bit much.

That said if I was able I would move out from here, there is no such thing as me getting a day in bed. On the other hand dh frequently is resting because he is ill.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 11:26

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 11:18

I think YABU, in the fact that you usually do everything by choice so he's not used to what it takes to keep the place running smoothly. He fed your child, he done the washing, he played with the child and took them out, granted he's left some dishes and not picked the dog poo up but just because you need everything put away instantly doesn't mean everyone does. The thing I couldn't accept is the dog with no food and water. That's out of order.

He did bugger all by the sound of it.

Why is doing a half-arsed job acceptable?

CalistoNoSolo · 27/03/2023 11:33

I honestly have no idea how any woman can bring herself to have sex with a useless tosser like this, let alone live and breed with them. Raise your standards fgs.

Thesharkradar · 27/03/2023 11:49

When my husband is ill, I run myself ragged making sure he has drinks, food, checking him every hour
Don't do that again ...treat him just like he treats you 🤷
Sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

skyfalldown · 27/03/2023 12:02

Babyboomtastic · 27/03/2023 10:44

Why can't men cope ? - they really are pathetic.

It's not 'men: it's your man, and some others. It's strategic incompetence and lazyness. It's not the existence of their penis which renders then incapable, it's their attitude towards women and awareness that other people exist.

When I'm I'll, it's a little messier sometimes as there's only one adult helping not two, but nothing catastrophic. Laundry is done, uniforms are ironed, homework helped with, children and pets clean tidy, taken to school, nursery, whatever. No difference for cooking as he does over half anyway. The kids go out as much as usual, or they may stay and he does baking or craft with them.

I honestly think some women let men get away with this because they think it's an inevitable thing of being with a man 🤷‍♀️

☝️☝️☝️

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 12:20

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 11:26

He did bugger all by the sound of it.

Why is doing a half-arsed job acceptable?

Show quote history

If a woman posted that she had bought the shopping, cooked it, done the washing, entertained the 4 year old, then taken them out, and the DH was fuming at her the responses on here would be LTB.

Me and my DH do everything 50/50, but if he left some dog shite on the garden one day, or I left a pile of clothes and a few dishes til the next morning no one would give a crap. We don't do that, we keep it going day by day, but we also wouldn't care if it happened!

toomuchlaundry · 27/03/2023 12:26

@CupidStuntt he bought baked beans and spaghetti hoops, doesn’t really constitute shopping in my book. He didn’t feed the dog and went out socialising and left OP with the tidying up. I think a man could grumble if his wife did that, especially the not feeding the dog or giving it water