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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her "friend"

76 replies

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 02:22

My dd who is 6 has had problems at school etc and they have referred her to chams etc.

However she's been going to afterschool club for over a year without a problem. Now this friend has started going on the same day as her and all of a sudden she's been disruptive, hitting the leaders etc.

Clearly the problem is the friend but dd is about to be flung out of the afterschool club and I have no idea what to do. Obviously I need to take her out but is that fair considering she's been going for over a year and now this other friend is going that's clearly her trigger.

I am friends with her mum but I have no idea how to raise it.

I know the little girl is 6 as well but I have seen her telling lies etc about my dd. She said my dd called her a bitch however I was there and it was clearly her calling my daughter a bitch.

What do I do? My daughter loves her afterschool club and if I need to take her out she'll be devastated. But the other girl needs to go as her mum has just got a full time job.

OP posts:
EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 27/03/2023 02:33

Have you spoken to after school club? Could they encourage the girls to different activities and redirect them if they start playing together? If this was an issue in class this is what I'd be asking the teacher to do. DD has a child whose being mean to her and the teacher is aware and making sure they're kept apart in class.

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 02:38

Yes we have spoken to them as its suddenly as this other child has appeared that my dd behaviour has got worse. I don't think they can keep them apart as its all one group in the hall playing etc.

They have been made aware of the fact that since the other girl has joined our dd behaviour is now bad. But because the mother is now working and one of us is always available it looks like we will need to pull our daughter out of it.

Which really annoys me as its clearly not our daughters fault.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 02:43

You can't blame another child for your child's behaviour, if this is genuine/not a reverse, yes there is pattern but the other child might also be perfectly behaved without your child

You need to address your own child's behaviour

PastaLaVistaBabee · 27/03/2023 03:43

Awww OP I'm sorry to hear your daughter is having a tough time.

A few things spring to mind when reading your thread...

  1. Have you spoken to your daughter about why she has been acting up at after school club (and other times) and whats going on for her?
  1. Can you support your daughter to think of other ways to get her needs met that don't involve poor behaviour? So if feeling strong emotions at after school club, could she take time out or speak to a trusted member of staff?
  1. At this age kids generally are knackered after school and while a many may enjoy after school club, most would still rather just be at home after school given the choice. Why does your daughter go to the club? How did it come about when you aren't in need of it? How does she act when she's tired?

Good luck OP, hope your daughter gets the help from CAMH etc.. that she needs, soon 💐

SittingNextToIt · 27/03/2023 04:16

Sorry but surely correlation is not equal to causation??!

I can’t see any actual reason you’ve given to randomly attribute the girls presence to your daughters issues except declaring A is causing B because A is happening at the same time as B?

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 07:41

You can't blame another child for your child's terrible behaviour! It sounds like it's your child's behaviour that needs addressing.

FancyFanny · 27/03/2023 07:59

A six year old hitting the after school club staff? That's appalling, extreme behaviour and it cannot simply be blamed on another child's presence!

Shemovesshemoves21 · 27/03/2023 08:02

Can you not speak to your daughter about the expectations you have of her behaviour and what the consequences will be if she continues to behave poorly?

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2023 08:03

Clearly the problem is the friend but dd is about to be flung out of the afterschool club and I have no idea what to do.

Your daughter is being disruptive and hitting the staff. I don't think it's clear the friend is the problem.

Focus on your daughter and her behaviour- all the way through life she is going to encounter 'bad influences' and it's up to her to manage this.

Minnie888 · 27/03/2023 08:16

I think people on here don't always realise how 'cutting' they can be in their replies. Nobody knows the underlying reasons for the behaviour. I do know though with experience of children that have experienced trauma, through no fault of their own, there can be reasons. Wouldn't it be grand if we all had neurotypical children Hmm behaviour is a form of communication. Not every child has be told about behaviour and magically change, it physically isn't possible.

I suspect for the OP with everything going on this was a bit of a lifeline for them with the behaviour not being triggered previously. Taking a lifeline from someone dealing with the stress of looking after a child that is not neurotypical is really tough. I get it OP. And it does seem unfair that a trigger hasn't been recognised. I suspect this is another example of where they have to implement rules that are the same for everyone as everyone is eligible to go. So bad behaviour = thrown out. So frustrating OP but suspect there is little you can do.

The point about bad influence throughout life is a fair one and will be an ongoing challenge so probably not worth fighting this battle, especially if you are friends with the mum.

HairSwish · 27/03/2023 08:25

I understand that you might feel in need of a break from your DD at times. Is she seeing CAMHS for neurodevelopmental assessments or is it pure mental health?

If she has some SEN, autism for example, then she is very likely to need downtime after school, despite the fact that she seems to love the afterschool club. She might be overstimulated. She might be struggling with the sudden change - the other girl wasn’t there, now she is. That can be massive for a child who likes consistency.

Her behaviour is telling you that she is in a situation that she cannot cope with. Luckily, she doesn’t need to be there.

Even if the downtime routine is watching tv in her bedroom for an hour after school, with a snack (and yes, I think a tv in room is perfectly acceptable particularly for a child who needs time alone to self regulate) than that is perfectly okay and you will still get a breather if you need one.

FannyPhart · 27/03/2023 08:26

How is the problem clearly the friend when your daughter is the one being disruptive? That's a bit short sighted.

CherryCokeFanatic · 27/03/2023 08:27

So another 6 year old is telling your child to hit the staff etc? And she is listening to them? Is that what you believe?

HairSwish · 27/03/2023 08:29

Don’t speak to the other mum either. She is entitled to use the after school club.

You need to concentrate on your own DD and really focus on supporting her in every way that you can. It isn’t the “fault” of another child or the staff , if your DC hits them, look at what you can control by taking her out of there and helping her to wind down at home and you can focus on learning about her triggers.

FannyPhart · 27/03/2023 08:29

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 02:38

Yes we have spoken to them as its suddenly as this other child has appeared that my dd behaviour has got worse. I don't think they can keep them apart as its all one group in the hall playing etc.

They have been made aware of the fact that since the other girl has joined our dd behaviour is now bad. But because the mother is now working and one of us is always available it looks like we will need to pull our daughter out of it.

Which really annoys me as its clearly not our daughters fault.

No, it really is not clear that it's not your daughter's fault. You do realise the type of parent you're coming over as here?

ShimmeringShirts · 27/03/2023 08:41

If your daughter is hitting teachers and becoming aggressive you can’t blame that on a child that isn’t doing those things. There may have been a trigger but it’s your daughter that’s being violent and disruptive, you need to take responsibility for that and not blame another child.

OnaBegonia · 27/03/2023 08:48

How did you decide it was another child's fault your DD is misbehaving?
Does this child hit and be disruptive? Have you told your DD her behaviour is wrong?

Binglebong · 27/03/2023 08:54

Do you believe the friend is telling your DD that if she doesn't do these things then she will no longer be her friend? It does sound as if she is a strong influence but you need to understand why. What does your daughter say?

I would be inclined to talk to the school and ask them to keep the children apart (including at break), even changing class if necessary. Make it clear to your daughter that the club will be the only time she sees her friend (no playdates at this stage, maybe later) and she has to behave to keep going. Depending on the cause this may or may not work so please don't be too downhearted if it doesn't.

And talk to your friend in advance. Tell her it is about your daughter's behaviour, not her's, and that you need to try anything. Say that your daughter is getting too excited being with her friend and that is causing her to misbehave. Even if you are 100% sure it is her daughter don't say it. No good will come of it but making clear it is your daughter's behaviour, whatever the cause, that is the problem may allow you to salvage the friendship.

This is hard. I wish you the very best of luck.

kweeble · 27/03/2023 08:55

A 6 year old will understand consequences- she must learn it is not okay to be aggressive whatever her feelings. I think you should ask the leaders to give her one last chance this week and warn her what will happen if she can’t behave well.

kittensinthekitchen · 27/03/2023 08:55

A previous post shows your DD displaying this type of behaviour at least a year ago.

Why are you blaming the other child?

MrMucker · 27/03/2023 09:12

She's hitting adults who choose to work at the facility, adults who as their employment want to provide for children?
And you say "it's clearly another child's fault"?!
Erm, wake up. She's six. She's hitting adults. And her parent is saying "aaaaaw, let's make sure you can stay here because you like it so much".

It's shit like this which will be making some of those staff consider a different job, and it's shit like this that makes so many teachers just walk from the profession.

JackHackettsMac · 27/03/2023 09:18

Ignore the 99% of posters berating you and your daughter on this thread. They’re assuming that your daughter is NT and can easily control her behaviour when given threats and sanctions. All that does is teach ND girls how to mask more effectively and I think it’s very likely that she’s ND from what you’ve written, especially given the referral by school to CAHMS.

The fact that your daughter was perfectly well behaved in the after school club for over a year before becoming violent towards the staff strongly suggests a change in her routine has triggered this dramatic response from her. The fact that her change in behaviour coincided with the arrival of another child is definitely something to be looked into.

Unfortunately, at 6 years old, she’s unlikely to understand why she responds in that way so she will need professional support to help her cope in stressful situations.

In some ways, this tricky behaviour is actually a good thing because she’s not yet learnt to mask it as many older girls do. She’s more likely to qualify for earlier professional intervention which can help her to navigate life as she grows up.

I wish these things had been known about when I was her age. I might have had a happier childhood.

RB68 · 27/03/2023 09:20

I had problems with my child being bullied by ostracization, it also involved her manipulating other children to bully and ostracize her leading to frustration and hitting and behaving badly as she was upset and frustrated, The dynamics at this age are difficult and it was alot down to a lack of confidence and standing up for herself with these other children - she just wanted to fit in It was dealt with with some counselling to build her confidence and assertiveness but also oe of the key instigators was moved out by her parent as she felt she was being blamed - and rightly so. Once she went it resolved. I would raise this with teachers and ask what can be done, but also try and work with your own child to strengthen her own assertiveness. I was lucky to be in school and witness what was happening with a playground supervisor and point the behaviour out and thankfully she was experienced and agreed with me and did advocate for her which really helped

takealettermsjones · 27/03/2023 09:28

The problem is the behaviour, not either of the children.

To PPs saying it's unfair to berate OP or blame the child or assume she's NT, OP is also out here calling another six year old a "problem" and a "trigger" so it's a bit pot calling the kettle black. The other child might also be ND/having problems/referred to CAHMS, none of us know.

OP what kind of problems was your DD having in school? Is she ND? Does she understand rules and consequences?

FannyPhart · 27/03/2023 09:29

JackHackettsMac · 27/03/2023 09:18

Ignore the 99% of posters berating you and your daughter on this thread. They’re assuming that your daughter is NT and can easily control her behaviour when given threats and sanctions. All that does is teach ND girls how to mask more effectively and I think it’s very likely that she’s ND from what you’ve written, especially given the referral by school to CAHMS.

The fact that your daughter was perfectly well behaved in the after school club for over a year before becoming violent towards the staff strongly suggests a change in her routine has triggered this dramatic response from her. The fact that her change in behaviour coincided with the arrival of another child is definitely something to be looked into.

Unfortunately, at 6 years old, she’s unlikely to understand why she responds in that way so she will need professional support to help her cope in stressful situations.

In some ways, this tricky behaviour is actually a good thing because she’s not yet learnt to mask it as many older girls do. She’s more likely to qualify for earlier professional intervention which can help her to navigate life as she grows up.

I wish these things had been known about when I was her age. I might have had a happier childhood.

It's not the other girls 'fault' though is it, as op is trying to convince herself? It could have been any manner of things that have changed in the group structure that triggered the response. Not solely the presence of the other child. For all we know her behaviour may have gradually worsened anyway or she just doesn't like being told what to do. But blaming it squarely on the other child is incredibly blinkered.