DD and her "friend"

[GrandTheftWalrus]

My dd who is 6 has had problems at school etc and they have referred her to chams etc.

However she's been going to afterschool club for over a year without a problem. Now this friend has started going on the same day as her and all of a sudden she's been disruptive, hitting the leaders etc.

Clearly the problem is the friend but dd is about to be flung out of the afterschool club and I have no idea what to do. Obviously I need to take her out but is that fair considering she's been going for over a year and now this other friend is going that's clearly her trigger.

I am friends with her mum but I have no idea how to raise it.

I know the little girl is 6 as well but I have seen her telling lies etc about my dd. She said my dd called her a bitch however I was there and it was clearly her calling my daughter a bitch.

What do I do? My daughter loves her afterschool club and if I need to take her out she'll be devastated. But the other girl needs to go as her mum has just got a full time job.

I think you need to talik to your daughter about triggers.
Do some role playing and stories at home where someone is naughty and annoys her. Teach her to recognise and ignor bad behaviour and move away from the person and continue to be smart and kind. Teach her that following rules is key.
Have her write a list in her book about her behaviour and other friends' behaviour (just so that she is actively concentrating on how people are being towards one another) for a while.
You could also offer to be an adult helper for a few sessions and observe what is happening.

I hope that as well as all this speaking to parents, they are actually looking at strategies they can use within the club - distracting them from each other, getting them involved in a calming activity. It does sound like the other girl's presence is acting as some sort of trigger, and the best strategy is to identify triggers and avoid them.

My 2 pence OP. I've not been in this situation so I'm not going to claim I know the solution but I feel your pain and see you just want the best for your child like any other parent would.

It's natural to always assume the best of your child and whilst you don't know for sure your child's trigger in this situation I'm a strong believer in mother's instinct and that's a good starting point to investigate further rather than take immediate action.

Whether your child has additional needs or not, 6 is still young and in my experience 6 year olds still need lot's of guidance from their parents on navigating the tricky world of relationships / personalities. But aside from whether you decide to take your child out of the after school club or not she will encounter difficult personalities all through life so now is a great time to start focussing on techniques to help her in the future.

If I were in your position I would probably do a couple of things whilst you're waiting for more formal input from Cahms.
a) Offer to volunteer at school / after school club to observe how your DD interacts with other kids
b) Have some 1on1 and 3 kid play dates (including the girl in question) again to enable you to see how the kids interact and where your DD may need guidance

Hope the nursery manage to get it sorted out op.

OP I am glad the school is speaking to the other parent too as there child's behaviour also needs addressed.

However as a parent of a nuerodiverse child and 2 nuerotypical children if I am being honest I think you need to address your child's behaviour and triggers. There will always be a child or adult at some point that is too much for your child and you need to put strategies in place to ensure your child can manage there behaviour.

Your child's behaviour is awful at after school club and this girl is possibly a factor in it but ultimately your child's behaviour is probably ruining after school club for other kids. She cannot be allowed to lash out and if that continues they do need to put safeguarding measures in place which may include removing your child from the club.

From what I am reading all I can see is you blaming another child. I have a neighbour that does that. Her child goes up and hits another child and she blames that child who has been hit for "antagonising" her poor boy. Needless to say nobody lets there kids near her or her son now because she always finds another child to blame and doesn't deal with the child's behaviour.

You need to take responsibility for your childs behaviour and deal with it. She needs to know that if she hits at after school club she doesn't get the privilege of going. My 6 year old got a nasty bite from another child recently at after school club. I was not happy at all but the parent did not come and blame my son for her daughter biting my child. Had the parent done that I would have hit the roof and flagged it as a safeguarding issue for my child and demanded your child be removed from after school club because the behaviour would have continued.

If your daughter is struggling to cope in after school club it may well be because it's too much for her. She could be getting overwhelmed, over tired and just needs time at home. My nuerodiverse child had to be removed from after school club for this reason. He wasn't hitting other kids but he was struggling to cope. I wasn't asked to remove him. I did it because I knew he was struggling. Please stop looking to blame another child and deal with your child's behaviour. If your other child is deliberately annoying your DD let the after school club address it.

So your daughter is hitting the leaders and you are blaming this on another child? Really? I think you need to address your own child's behaviour not pin this on another child.

It could quite well be the other girl causing the problems. Being bullied, and not being able to cope with the constant digs and slights, could well be making the OP’s child act out.
Therefore the other child is the problem.
I would withdraw your child, but not blame them in any way, and speak to the school, they often know very well what’s going on.

Can you change her day? So that she isn't going on the same day as the other child, or do they both go every day? There's a lot more going on here that we know from your message - maybe they both wind each other up, or maybe your daughter is pushed into doing things by the other child. The staff can't be expected to deal with the behaviour, afterschool staff aren't trained teachers so if it comes to it you would have to take her out.

I have an ND child. Regardless of whom is right or wrong in this situation, the behaviour is communicating the issue that your daughter now isn’t coping and needs to be withdrawn.
However you deal with the associated issues (whether this girl is the trigger, how you help your daughter navigate triggers, the natural consequences of aggressive behaviour etc) is almost a side issue to the main priority which is to set your daughter up for success by not keeping her in a situation that she is clearly struggling with. Yes it’s completely unfair. Lots of things about raising an ND child in an ableist world aren’t but I’d focus on getting your daughter out of that situation.

As others have said, your child (and you) are accountable for their behaviour. The club leaders - particularly those being hit -will be keeping a close eye on group dynamics. However, I’d be more interested in my child’s behaviour, since someone else’s child’s actions aren’t something you can control or influence. Do you think your child is very easily led? If so I would address this immediately, since left unmentioned is a very dangerous pattern of behaviour.

Unless the other child is grabbing your daughter's hand and using it to hit the staff, then your child is to blame for the hitting.

"clearly the problem is the friend"

That isn't 'clear' OP.

Good luck.

There are some nasty ass people on here. Sometimes a thread just hits me like, woah, some people are so mean

And I dont mean you OP

They went on different days up until a couple of weeks ago. Since then dd has been getting into trouble. Tomorrow is her last one until after the holidays so I'll see how she gets on tomorrow and decide what we are going to do after that.

But thanks for all the comments.

@GrandTheftWalrus I'm so sorry for some of the ignorant replies on here. They clearly don't have ND children so don't understand how the presence of a single person can have such a significant effect. The way I read it is you know the friend isn't to "blame" but rather the trigger for the change in your daughter's behaviour, which you're not condoning. And you're getting her help.

If there's any way to swap your daughter to a different day when the friend isn't there then I'd recommend that, then she's not missing out. The other girl's parents can't control what impact she has on your daughter in terms of she herself being the trigger. I've been in similar shoes and removed my daughter from the situation for her own emotional wellbeing in that moment and don't regret it at all. We found a different way for her to still do the same thing.

Unfortunately it's only on 2 days a week and they went opposite days for this reason.

Yes I was wrong to blame the other girl but couldn't think of another way to word it.

I appreciate all comments even the nasty ones.

It's hard Op to control their environments and I totally get you especially when there is someone bringing out the worse in your dd. The only thing I would suggest is to eliminate the problem which is to not send her in until the club can confirm that both girls can attend on different days. I know it's not fair on your dd but we can't control outside factors but we can control whether we choose to continue or not.

At least until she is equipped with the skills to deal with it without lashing out. I don't know if your dd is nt or nd however, the natural consequence would be to remove her from the club until she learns to manage her frustrations without resorting to violence.

We are waiting on referrals to see if there is anything or if she just is badly behaved. It's the school that referred her. I'll send her tomorrow and see how it goes. Unfortunately they would always be together unless I take dd out.

Few of the replies have been ignorant. Has OP chased down every avenue with camhs, diagnosis, GP, school, Senco, Educational psychologist, everything. Is money an issue? Have you seen someone privately?

All we can do is wait on the referrals that the school have put in. They've now sent 2. We'd never be able to afford privately unfortunately or I would do that.

Why does she need after school club if you ate available ? Many posters have asked this. And agree you cannot bla e ur child's behaviour on another wee girl

Excuse the typos *blame

I already said blame was the wrong thing.

She goes because she enjoyed it and it was offered to me. It's mainly playing or doing crafts near Halloween etc. And I felt after covid a wee bit of extra time with friends was good for her.

And one of us is always available as we have a younger child who doesn't go to nursery so we work around each other for childcare.