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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD and her "friend"

76 replies

GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 02:22

My dd who is 6 has had problems at school etc and they have referred her to chams etc.

However she's been going to afterschool club for over a year without a problem. Now this friend has started going on the same day as her and all of a sudden she's been disruptive, hitting the leaders etc.

Clearly the problem is the friend but dd is about to be flung out of the afterschool club and I have no idea what to do. Obviously I need to take her out but is that fair considering she's been going for over a year and now this other friend is going that's clearly her trigger.

I am friends with her mum but I have no idea how to raise it.

I know the little girl is 6 as well but I have seen her telling lies etc about my dd. She said my dd called her a bitch however I was there and it was clearly her calling my daughter a bitch.

What do I do? My daughter loves her afterschool club and if I need to take her out she'll be devastated. But the other girl needs to go as her mum has just got a full time job.

OP posts:
2ndGenerationHomeEducator · 27/03/2023 09:34

She is six, not 18 months old.
Have you asked her what an earth she was thinking hitting her teachers? Has there been any follow up at home?
I would say, 'Well what did you expect? If you hit them then you can't go. You wouldn't like it if someone kept hitting you. Maybe if you make them a card and apologise, you can go back as long as you don't do it again'.
She needs to take some accountability for her own actions, which you need to encourage. Otherwise, how will she grow as a person?

This other girl calling your child is a bitch is clearly unacceptable. You do need to talk to the school about her being bullied. Hopefully CAHMS can offer her some counselling.

However, you can't blame the other child for your child beating the teachers. Those were her actions.

You really need to talk with your DD.

HecticHedgehog · 27/03/2023 09:45

Sounds frustrating. My autistic daughter had a 'friend' who would purposely wind her up and manipulate her. She would always be dysregulated after any time with this friend, It was awful but my daughter just couldn't see it due to her neurodiversity and wanted to be friends with her.

HecticHedgehog · 27/03/2023 09:46

Take no notice if those who are clearly clueless.

TrashyPanda · 27/03/2023 10:45

It’s not fair to place all the blame on the other child, when your DD is the one hitting the leaders.

is this the same DD you thought might be ND?

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 11:11

Hi all thanks for the replies.

Yes dd is waiting on a chams referral and another one went in last week.

I think the problem is at afterschool she's getting wound up, can't process it and lashes out.

School have put things in place for her, like coming out a different exit etc so they are helping.

OP posts:
OnaBegonia · 27/03/2023 12:24

You need to accept that her lashing out is not this other child's fault, it's ridiculous you're trying to pass the blame to a young child.

concertgoer · 27/03/2023 21:50

Aren’t you rolling over and accepting bullying if you take her out of the after school club?!

i’d say no! Especially if school are acknowledging the other child is the problem/trigger !

it’s absolute nonsense they can’t keep two children apart at an after school club, they’re just looking for an easy option and making you the scape goat. Stand your ground. You won’t do yourself or your DD any favours in the long run if you don’t.

Lights22 · 27/03/2023 21:53

This! 100% this

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 22:27

I've said from beginning if we have to take her out it's extremely unfair. I know my DDs behaviour isn't the best and like I say we are waiting on referrals etc for her. As it's clear she's not just a naughty child.

I've clearly seen my dd getting upset and trying to remove herself from the other wee girls presence but she still gets in her face until mine lashes out and then of course my dd is the "baddie"

I've tried to remove her myself but she's such a nice girl (I know she doesn't seem it) and wants to be near her friend.

Everyday she sees a school mate and they say hello or gives her a cuddle, even her teacher said she's a very sociable girl but when they are both together it's a nightmare.

And yes like other posters mentioned I question my parenting constantly. But she goes to a different after school activity and has been there nearly 2 years and she's never been in trouble or done anything wrong.

However we had an update today and they are going to speak to the other girls mother about it as they have noticed it as well.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 27/03/2023 22:45

I have a child who is neurodiverse and I’m telling you, you cannot just bat away her behaviour with saying “Well she’s been referred” Autistic/ADHD or not, bad behaviour is still bad behaviour! Yes it’s more common in neurodiverse children and yes it has to be handled slightly differently sometimes but they still need discipline and to be taught right from wrong!!!

Original poster
GrandTheftWalrus · 27/03/2023 23:02

Oh I completely understand that, and she has consequences etc for her actions. Even her teacher says it's like a switch has been flipped and it's like jekyll and Hyde. However they know the difference between her having a meltdown and just being badly behaved. We obviously give out punishments etc as well.

When she started nursery at 3 she was getting on great, then covid hit and she was stuck in a flat with us 24/7 and when she went back she was always getting in trouble for not sharing etc. She didn't know how to share with other children although she always shares with us and her wee sister.

But school have put in lots of areas where she can go and calm down etc. Not just for her but for the other kids that have difficulty adapting to school etc.

OP posts:
Shz · 28/03/2023 02:09

It isn’t the other child’s fault, your daughters behaviour is the problem- regardless of any underlying issue assaulting staff is not acceptable.

Your opinion that the other child should go is actually incredibly entitled - do you really expect other children to be excluded from activities/groups/classes if your daughter dislikes their presence?

Its a case of your daughters behaviour is not OK, either accept that the situation is not working for her and pull her out OR try to work with the club if that’s possible.

But you are being ridiculously unreasonable if you approach another parent to remove their kid from after school cause your kid started to misbehave

2bazookas · 28/03/2023 02:29

Maybe if she's struggling at school, by the end of school she's exhausted and stressed and hence the behaviour at after school club when she's faced with a different large group of kiids letting off steam in a noisy hall.

So what she needs is to go home to her own familiar quiet environment, and just relax and calm down. No after school club and group activities.

Have you ever thought how you would feel if at the end of your busy working day, you were obliged to spend an hour or two playing games with a bunch of randoms from other offices?

Forgooodnesssakenow · 28/03/2023 06:49

Why is she at after school club if one of you is always available? If you're available pick her up, help her calm down after her tough day and spend some one one time with her if you can. She's 6, she's going to be tired too.

Ridiculous to blame another child especially as the other parent needs after school care for childcare, why did you put her in after school care if not needed?

Climbles · 28/03/2023 07:37

My child had a ‘friend’ who would whisper insults to her, lie to get her in trouble, blame her for the things they did. My DD was very quiet and would go mute when under pressure so couldn’t stand up for herself. Some kids are horrible and target ND kids to wind up because they will get a dramatic reaction. While obviously you can’t entirely blame the other child for your DD’s behaviour sometimes kids can be very manipulative.

Nappyvalley15 · 28/03/2023 07:41

Agree with the last 2 posters. She may be just exhausted from a full day of masking and dealing with people and so is lashing out. Maybe she was fine last year as school was easier. But as more is expected of her now she just needs to go home and relax.

Frazzledmum123 · 28/03/2023 07:50

@Shz That was my thinking at first too but then i thought about it again and imagine having someone come right up in your face repeatedly pushing you and pushing you and no matter how many times you turn away from them or politely ask them to move, they are right.in.your.face. Now this isn't what is happening obviously but to a child with e.g autism it could be how it feels. If the other girl has been calling her child a bitch and lying about it, she obviously has issues of her own too and could be purposefully winding her up. Yes she can't go around hitting people and if lots of things triggered it I'd be the first to agree you can't expect everyone around you to accept it and alter everything to fit you, but it sounds like she has few problems elsewhere and this one girl is triggering it and it sounds like she is being that nice . I can see how frustrating this must be for the OP

Dibbydoos · 28/03/2023 08:09

WandaWonder · 27/03/2023 02:43

You can't blame another child for your child's behaviour, if this is genuine/not a reverse, yes there is pattern but the other child might also be perfectly behaved without your child

You need to address your own child's behaviour

@WandaWonder is your comment for real? OPs DD has been referred to CAMHS, this other girl is a liar and her behaviour is unacceptable and needs correcting.

So, OPs DD only way of coping is acting out, she's 6 not 26! Perspective is everything.

OP I'm so sorry, often victims are further victimised because there is no alternative. See if you can find an alternative something for your DD to do. A local art class, dance, swimming etc. It's difficult to advise otherwise because your DD needs to be taken out of that situ.

I would talk to the other parent, it's an easy one. I don't know if you realise, but your DD has been bullying mine. I don't want to make a huge fuss, so I'm taking my DD out of her after school place because I don't want her subjected to this. Tbh her mother will already know her child, but if she gets defensive, just walk away, you don't need a full confrontation on the matter. Alternatively you could hand her this in a note ending it with you don't want
to talk about it you just thought she needed to know.

StopStartStop · 28/03/2023 08:20

Wouldn't it be grand if we all had neurotypical children

Wtf? So a badly behaved child must obviously be neurodivergent?

Walkaround · 28/03/2023 08:23

A situation becomes unjust when the bad behaviour which provokes the bad behaviour goes completely unrecognised. The other child’s behaviour also needs addressing.

Shz · 28/03/2023 08:26

Frazzledmum123 · 28/03/2023 07:50

@Shz That was my thinking at first too but then i thought about it again and imagine having someone come right up in your face repeatedly pushing you and pushing you and no matter how many times you turn away from them or politely ask them to move, they are right.in.your.face. Now this isn't what is happening obviously but to a child with e.g autism it could be how it feels. If the other girl has been calling her child a bitch and lying about it, she obviously has issues of her own too and could be purposefully winding her up. Yes she can't go around hitting people and if lots of things triggered it I'd be the first to agree you can't expect everyone around you to accept it and alter everything to fit you, but it sounds like she has few problems elsewhere and this one girl is triggering it and it sounds like she is being that nice . I can see how frustrating this must be for the OP

Does this child have a formal diagnosis of any ND yet, or just a referral to CAHMS who deal with many different mental health related things.

Whether or not the OPs child has any such diagnosis the fact is that her wants do not dictate what other children can attend any clubs or activities. If the OPs child now finds the club unenjoyable then it is her who should stop going not other people. And the timing could be coincidental- there could be other things that have triggered this other than the other child starting.

The OP is being completely unreasonable.

Hankunamatata · 28/03/2023 08:30

Hi. Iv been where you are and kids do react differently for better or worse and I had very same situation with afterschools. I did remove my child as the afterschools didn't have the ability to meet my dc needs when there were similar personalities that joined the group. My child didn't have enough self knowledge to be able to learn her triggers and self regulation, also the older they get the more difficult managing behaviour can become.

I understand your cross about this other child and feel she has forced your dd out of afterschools but try to remember there will always be a child that triggers your dc and they have to learn coping techniques- it's not easy and has took my dc years. I have one high school and one nearly high school who now have lots of self understanding now about themselves and why they feel and react the way they do. It's a bumpy road and you are doing great

MultipleVeganPies · 28/03/2023 08:36

It’s tough

but you are going to have to accept that you cannot control (and blame) your DD environment.

There will always be triggers and other people

you can ask the club to separate them but that is all you can do

Notamum12345577 · 28/03/2023 08:47

You can’t say clearly not your daughters fault. She may be encouraged by the other child, but she is the one hitting people.
The other child may be fine on her own as well.
It could well be 50/50, they are just winding each other up to misbehave.

jalopy · 28/03/2023 08:52

Maybe an activity at the end of a busy school day is too much for your daughter, especially if she has behavioural issues. Do you think she is overtired and 'loosing it' to cope?