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Original poster

DH took woman's number

137 replies

stripytiger09 · 27/03/2023 00:21

Am I being overly dramatic?
DH went out with work colleagues this afternoon to watch the football and have a meal, and then went to the local pub when he got back for one final beer while I was travelling back from seeing family.
He was pretty drunk when he got home, told me a bit about his evening with his colleagues and then fell asleep on the sofa.
He's lied to me previously about stuff but he's never cheated. I had a weird gut feeling, something was off, so I decided to have a look at his phone. Nothing untoward aside from a phone number in the Notes section with a woman's name, time stamped at the time he was at the local pub this evening.
What am I meant to do with this info? Confront him? If I confront him then I'm telling him I looked at his phone, which I'm now severely regretting!!

OP posts:
Puppers · 27/03/2023 10:50

Bookworm20 · 27/03/2023 10:19

Yes, much more sensible to throw away a 10 year relationship based on a hunch.
If I felt a need to check my partners phone because something felt off, then I would. I wouldn't just think 'oh I feel the need to check this random behaviour hes displaying out, better just end it now'.

And whats with all this about people need this incredible amount of privacy from their husbands/wives. Well, yes, I wouldn't dream of looking at a random unknown persons phone! Thats private. But what exact privacy or secret things do people have on their phones that their partners are unware of? I'd much rather be in a realtionship with someone where we, you know, actually share stuff with each other. If you have secrets from each other to the point of needing a bloody phone to be kept under lock and key and never to be seen by your significant other, and if god forbid they had a LOOK at your phone, its a sackable offence, what kind of relationship is that? Far more untrustworthy if you ask me.

A loving, healthy relationship is surely based on openness and sharing aswell as trust.

I think I'd of left the number as is OP, and then waited to see if he called it/messaged it. or as someone said, ask him who X is, say he mentioned something last night when drunk. If its innocent and indeed someone who will be whipping up a cake for him next weekend, he'll just tell you. if it isn't he'll be all confused and come out with something rushed and utter bollocks and then you'll know.

Show quote history

DH and I know the passcodes to each others' phones and often use them (to reply to texts while the other is driving, to look at pictures they took of the kids that day, to use the calculator or calendar because our own phone is on charge in the other room, to look on notes for the measurements I've saved for the new kitchen etc). I don't have anything on my phone that would be problematic for DH to see and I have no reason to suspect that he has anything weird on his. But I would feel very much like a line had been crossed if he started going through my messages with friends for example, or trawling through my notes with no reason. I'm a person in my own right and I'm allowed to have private thoughts and conversations, regardless of how mundane they may be. I afford him the same respect in return.

potniatheron · 27/03/2023 10:52

Sux2buthen · 27/03/2023 01:56

@Barleysugar86 exactly. Your story reminds me of the time I came home and found my partner in bed with the lady next door. Her boiler had broken and she then fell into her pond and got very cold. DH immediately got her into bed and they shared body heat as any good neighbour would.
As soon as they'd finished dressing we all had a good laugh.

Grin

Agreed! Barley's experience likewise reminded me of the time I came home unexpectedly and found my partner on top of his beautiful flirtatious work colleague in my lounge. They'd been looking at some complex spreadsheets together and got terribly dizzy, and both fallen over! What a giggle we had about it later!

Aswad · 27/03/2023 10:58

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:26

I would change the number to one of my friends numbers and see if he contacts her.

You my friend, are an absolute genius.

PelvicFlora · 27/03/2023 10:59

I feel like the point is that OP wouldn't have even gone through his phone if he hadn't already got form for lying. That just shows how corrosive lies are and how easily they can destroy trust.

What has he lied about in the past OP?

Conkersinautumn · 27/03/2023 11:03

If I was stuck with a controlling partner who did not respect my privacy I'd put random numbers everywhere so I could concentrate on getting my ducks in a row whilst they were getting obsessed over a number for a new cleaner.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/03/2023 11:23

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:26

I would change the number to one of my friends numbers and see if he contacts her.

Fantastic idea!!

EKGEMS · 27/03/2023 11:39

Change the number to a divorce attorney

Minikievs · 27/03/2023 11:45

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:26

I would change the number to one of my friends numbers and see if he contacts her.

This is the most incredible idea!!! Bloody genius!!!

chocorabbit · 27/03/2023 11:51

I never understand these things. There is nothing to feel guilty about. What is worse, snooping or taking a stranger's number? And what does he have to hide anyway?

Famousinlove · 27/03/2023 12:07

To all of the people asking why OP looked in the notes section..
Do you have a smart phone? Are you aware that you can look at all of the open apps which show in order of last used?

serialthreadkiller · 27/03/2023 12:12

Conkersinautumn · 27/03/2023 11:03

If I was stuck with a controlling partner who did not respect my privacy I'd put random numbers everywhere so I could concentrate on getting my ducks in a row whilst they were getting obsessed over a number for a new cleaner.

If this were the case with the number, surely he would have told Op that he had met someone in the pub that might be a suitable new cleaner? People are glossing over the fact that he was extremely silent over the time spent in the pub and yet verbose about the rest of the day. That's why she was suspicious.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 27/03/2023 12:13

Bookworm20 · 27/03/2023 10:19

Yes, much more sensible to throw away a 10 year relationship based on a hunch.
If I felt a need to check my partners phone because something felt off, then I would. I wouldn't just think 'oh I feel the need to check this random behaviour hes displaying out, better just end it now'.

And whats with all this about people need this incredible amount of privacy from their husbands/wives. Well, yes, I wouldn't dream of looking at a random unknown persons phone! Thats private. But what exact privacy or secret things do people have on their phones that their partners are unware of? I'd much rather be in a realtionship with someone where we, you know, actually share stuff with each other. If you have secrets from each other to the point of needing a bloody phone to be kept under lock and key and never to be seen by your significant other, and if god forbid they had a LOOK at your phone, its a sackable offence, what kind of relationship is that? Far more untrustworthy if you ask me.

A loving, healthy relationship is surely based on openness and sharing aswell as trust.

I think I'd of left the number as is OP, and then waited to see if he called it/messaged it. or as someone said, ask him who X is, say he mentioned something last night when drunk. If its innocent and indeed someone who will be whipping up a cake for him next weekend, he'll just tell you. if it isn't he'll be all confused and come out with something rushed and utter bollocks and then you'll know.

Show quote history

I wouldn't be throwing away a 10 year relationship on a hunch, I'd be doing it because I don't trust my partner.

If you have a hunch that your partner isn't being faithful, or that they're keeping something from you, then you talk to them, listen to what they say and then choose to believe them or not. Personally, I trust that my partner isn't going to cheat on me. If it turns out I'm wrong, then when it comes to light then I'll end the relationship. I'm certainly not going to go nosing through her phone on the off-chance I find something.

Snooping through someones phone is akin to going through their diary. Off the top of my head I can think of the following things in my phone that I don't want my partner seeing.

Ideas for Birthday / Christmas presents
Conversations with a friend who's going through a rough divorce at the moment
An email I wrote to partner that I never sent when we were going through a rough patch
My literotica account
The fact that my youtube history shows that I watched two Power Rangers episodes recently (This is by far the most embarrassing thing in this list)
Some work emails dealing with an HR issue with one of my team members, who's also my partners friend.

And that's just with two minutes thought. God knows what else is in there.

For a lot of people, phones have become extensions of themselves. They contain your thoughts, your ideas, your secrets. The idea that someone has to share absolutely everything with their partner is horrifying to me. Everyone has their own inner life, if everything has to be shared then surely you end up losing yourself in your relationship

redskylight · 27/03/2023 12:40

serialthreadkiller · 27/03/2023 12:12

If this were the case with the number, surely he would have told Op that he had met someone in the pub that might be a suitable new cleaner? People are glossing over the fact that he was extremely silent over the time spent in the pub and yet verbose about the rest of the day. That's why she was suspicious.

Show quote history

People are not robots.

I went out on a night recently and bumped into someone DH used to work with (I also knew her very slightly). She said she'd love to catch up with him and gave me her number to pass on.

It wasn't until 3 days later that I remembered this encounter. And yes, I'd spoken to DH about many other subjects in the interim.

Am I also the only person on this thread who's had someone insist that you take their number despite your many protests and in the end you just take it to get rid of them?

I've had partners who distrusted me for pretty much leaving the house. If they'd started going through my phone on a hunch, I'd be leaving them.

Trez1510 · 27/03/2023 13:15

Puppers · 27/03/2023 10:50

DH and I know the passcodes to each others' phones and often use them (to reply to texts while the other is driving, to look at pictures they took of the kids that day, to use the calculator or calendar because our own phone is on charge in the other room, to look on notes for the measurements I've saved for the new kitchen etc). I don't have anything on my phone that would be problematic for DH to see and I have no reason to suspect that he has anything weird on his. But I would feel very much like a line had been crossed if he started going through my messages with friends for example, or trawling through my notes with no reason. I'm a person in my own right and I'm allowed to have private thoughts and conversations, regardless of how mundane they may be. I afford him the same respect in return.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. The issue is trust i.e. we trust our partners to be faithful. Once we start snooping it shows we have our own trust and/or esteem issues.

I have messages on my phone from people who have told me things, not me and my partner.

So, if even for that reason only, I'd feel betrayed by my partner snooping and, by default, me betraying my friend's trust.

Itsbytheby · 27/03/2023 13:16

I cannot imagine check DH's phone while he was sleeping off a boozy night. I also would never even think of checking notes. I too wonder if there is more too this because this doesn't strike me as a usual thing to do in a trusting relationship.

MsDogLady · 27/03/2023 13:23

Have you learned any more about it, @stripytiger09?

BellePeppa · 27/03/2023 14:20

Famousinlove · 27/03/2023 12:07

To all of the people asking why OP looked in the notes section..
Do you have a smart phone? Are you aware that you can look at all of the open apps which show in order of last used?

I do have a smart phone but I didn’t know that.

BellePeppa · 27/03/2023 14:22

The phone isn’t locked (or OP knows the pin) so in that respect her DH doesn’t appear to be keeping his phone private?

Tratjymp · 27/03/2023 14:59

I had fun with my hubby the other day when I came home from work to find an open/ empty condom wrapper on his floor (we haven't used them for nearly a year as ttc). He just laughed and said it had been in the side pocket of the bag he'd emptied out on his bed that day to use for the first time in ages.

How did he explain it still being oily?

Trez1510 · 27/03/2023 18:10

BellePeppa · 27/03/2023 14:22

The phone isn’t locked (or OP knows the pin) so in that respect her DH doesn’t appear to be keeping his phone private?

Possibly because, like me and millions of others, he has an expectation of privacy and trusts his partner to not snoop?

My phone has no PIN, but if my partner breached my/my friends' privacy by snooping on my phone it would be the end of us. Likewise, I would expect to be dumped if I ever snooped on my partner whether that was his phone, laptop or post.

Trust is the bedrock of any functioning/healthy relationshp, imo.

Tirrrrred · 27/03/2023 18:19

@Tratjymp I assumed the poster wasn't being sarcastic? Was she not?

Singularity82 · 28/03/2023 08:15

Any update op? Hope you’re ok

Tirrrrred · 28/03/2023 08:31

Tirrrrred · 27/03/2023 18:19

@Tratjymp I assumed the poster wasn't being sarcastic? Was she not?

WAS

Ebony69 · 28/03/2023 08:53

Callmenat · 27/03/2023 10:16

Woman goes to pub and gets drunk. Male partner of woman goes through her phone finding the name of another man saved as a note. The man changes the number to his mate's as an elaborate trap. All his mates congratulate him on his sneakiness.

Sounds weird doesn't it............

This 💯

Tratjymp · 28/03/2023 09:37

Tirrrrred · 27/03/2023 18:19

@Tratjymp I assumed the poster wasn't being sarcastic? Was she not?

Quite possibly a joke yes, but things like that do happen. At least so I've heard...