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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH took woman's number

137 replies

stripytiger09 · 27/03/2023 00:21

Am I being overly dramatic?
DH went out with work colleagues this afternoon to watch the football and have a meal, and then went to the local pub when he got back for one final beer while I was travelling back from seeing family.
He was pretty drunk when he got home, told me a bit about his evening with his colleagues and then fell asleep on the sofa.
He's lied to me previously about stuff but he's never cheated. I had a weird gut feeling, something was off, so I decided to have a look at his phone. Nothing untoward aside from a phone number in the Notes section with a woman's name, time stamped at the time he was at the local pub this evening.
What am I meant to do with this info? Confront him? If I confront him then I'm telling him I looked at his phone, which I'm now severely regretting!!

OP posts:
GraysPapaya · 27/03/2023 07:23

As others have said, there are obviously larger issues at play here.

But I have taken numbers from men before, for work, I play a sport, for play dates. I met a man at a playground and our kids got on! Been with DH 15 years and I’ve never ever cheated. Men make up half of the population and it’s sometimes necessary to take a phone number!
So if this is in isolation and he has an explanation then no dramas. Really depends what he says though…

Mumofnarnia · 27/03/2023 07:25

if you can get hold of a 2nd sim change the number to that and when he contacts you, go along with it and see what he says to her (you)

Ludo19 · 27/03/2023 07:35

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 27/03/2023 00:31

Never cheated my foot.

Faithful men don’t take other women’s numbers in pubs.

Nailed it!

ChrisTrepidation · 27/03/2023 07:37

Thr firsr assumption is usually the correct one.

He took her number hoping for a future hook up. Question now is what are you going to do about it?

Workinghardeveryday · 27/03/2023 07:50

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:26

I would change the number to one of my friends numbers and see if he contacts her.

Yes! Great idea

JennyDarlingRIP · 27/03/2023 07:54

There are clearly already issues in the relationship of your looking through his phone and this is your first assumption.
I was out with friends Friday night and took a number from a friend of mine for a man who did some work in her garden, we need someone to do some bits in ours.
It's on a sticky note on my phone with just his name.

NashvilleQueen · 27/03/2023 07:58

It isn't a great idea to change it to your friends number if there was a good reason for him to have the number in the first place.

discobrain · 27/03/2023 08:09

If I caught a partner snooping on my phone, they would be out of my place in seconds.

People are entitled to privacy, being married doesn't overrule that.

If you think he's cheating then ask him outright. If he's cagey about it, then ask him to leave until he can be honest with you.

If this was a bloke snooping on his partner's phone, he'd be getting a right bollocking here, called controlling, invasive etc.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 27/03/2023 08:11

How do you know it's a woman's number? It could be a man's number?

hotdiggetydog · 27/03/2023 08:12

snitzelvoncrumb · 27/03/2023 00:26

I would change the number to one of my friends numbers and see if he contacts her.

Would you really?

Crikey.

Pubesofsoberness · 27/03/2023 08:15

Well putting someone's number in the notes section is really weird

BeachBlondey · 27/03/2023 08:16

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I checked my ExH phone, because I knew something was up. There were texts in there, between him and my best friend, discussing all the sex they'd been having together. That's why he's now an ExH. I don't regret snooping one bit. Even after I saw the messages, they both gaslit the fuck out of me, saying nothing happened. You do have to put yourself first sometimes, for self preservation. If your Partner wont let you near his phone, or has made you think of it as a private, secret thing, you have a problem.

Upsywavy · 27/03/2023 08:16

I don't know if you generally have no issue going through his phone he probably knows this and felt the number was safer in notes. Sure it could have been a woman he fancied, it could also have been a colleague and he knew you wouldn't trust him with it. There are deeper trust issues it seems going on here, why not talk to him about it? Wild I know, but he will know you've edited it anyway, I'd have more respect for someone content to actually bring it up.

inappropriateraspberry · 27/03/2023 08:16

He was drunk, could have taken it out of politeness and put it in notes as he didn't need it saved as a proper contact - was never going to call her!

Stravaig · 27/03/2023 08:18

If I took a number for myself, I'd put it in my own Contacts (or on a scrap of paper). If I took a number to pass on to someone else, I'd use a Note (or draft email, or scrap of paper).

I agree with others. While snooping can feel necessary if you're being lied to, it does mean that the trust is gone, so the relationship is over anyway.

Antiquiteas · 27/03/2023 08:19

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 27/03/2023 00:31

OMG THIS IS GENIUS!!!

Show quote history

Fuck yes. That’s immense. Honey trap them lying twat.

CaveatmTOR · 27/03/2023 08:22

Could it not be innocent? I have loads of men's numbers in my phone. They are electricians and plumbers and mechanics etc. I also store the numbers of people I have arranged to collect stuff off EBay or FB selling for a while until it's all settled. If DH questioned me over all the numbers I have stored, I would be explaining for four hours straight.

If he's naturally shifty and untrustworthy then LTB for that reason. If he is this way, I don't blame you for snooping. Maybe make it a black and white issue. Ask yourself if you trust him, if not, leave and be happy. There is nothing worse than loss of trust.

Reinventinganna · 27/03/2023 08:23

What made you look in notes? Had you checked everywhere else?
Whether he is cheating or not you your relationship is in trouble.

Justforlaffs · 27/03/2023 08:34

Barleysugar86 · 27/03/2023 01:11

This ^
I had fun with my hubby the other day when I came home from work to find an open/ empty condom wrapper on his floor (we haven't used them for nearly a year as ttc). He just laughed and said it had been in the side pocket of the bag he'd emptied out on his bed that day to use for the first time in ages. I had no doubt this was true but still enjoyed teasing him about it for the night. Regardless of the reasons for this number the trust isn't there in your marriage and that's something you'll both need to work on or it will eat you up (I've been there in other relationships and I used to feel sick and on edge all the time).

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😳

Justforlaffs · 27/03/2023 08:35

Pubesofsoberness · 27/03/2023 08:15

Well putting someone's number in the notes section is really weird

This.

If it was innocent he'd have saved it to his contacts.

Choconut · 27/03/2023 08:36

Mañanarama · 27/03/2023 01:21

You casually ask him in the morning who [woman’s name] is and say he was talking about her in his sleep.

I hope you’ve taken a photo of the notes page.

That sounds like a good idea.

He's got a woman's number from the pub. I doubt very much it's because she's selling a sofa, wants a kids playdate or does manicures. The excuses people make for men are just ridiculous.

As for the person saying they trust their OH completely even when he has empty condom wrappers on his floor is very naive IMO. Who keeps empty condom wrappers from years ago or puts used ones in their bag rather than the bin? At least check the date on the wrapper, they last a good while - but it should give you an idea if you haven't used them for years.

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/03/2023 08:43

If you think he's cheating then ask him outright. If he's cagey about it, then ask him to leave until he can be honest with you.
Well, some of them do just look you in the eye and barefaced lie without appearing cagey, or gaslight you, or deflect by getting aggressive about snooping. It's not as straightforward as "just ask" and you'll know for sure.

If this was a bloke snooping on his partner's phone, he'd be getting a right bollocking here, called controlling, invasive etc.
In apropos of nothing, sure, just like a woman would be called these things. But OP is married to a man who has "lied to me previously about stuff" and she knew his behaviour was a bit off having been to the pub and coming home pissed. It's a fine line with snooping, but the options are 1. Stew about it and do nothing 2. Ask, but knowing he has lied about stuff before and if there is anything going on he will delete evidence and be more careful and you will stew about it. 3. Snoop and either get some peace of mind, or evidence to confront him with.

TennisWithDeborah · 27/03/2023 08:47

A number acquired late at night in a pub by someone with a track record for mendacity, is unlikely to be related to play dates or cakes tbh. You need to have it out with him.

Nailsandthesea · 27/03/2023 08:51

I was so trusting as I thought my bullshit radar was high. My last but one relationship a man I met through church. Divorced - showed me it the certificate.

she sent me messages accusing me of cheating with him. I was like wtf 😳 you are divorced. I believed him etc
he always had a answer

uncovered him as a cheating scumbag when I was sent recordings - even then he had an answer

CaveatmTOR · 27/03/2023 08:55

Planesmistakenforstars · 27/03/2023 08:43

If you think he's cheating then ask him outright. If he's cagey about it, then ask him to leave until he can be honest with you.
Well, some of them do just look you in the eye and barefaced lie without appearing cagey, or gaslight you, or deflect by getting aggressive about snooping. It's not as straightforward as "just ask" and you'll know for sure.

If this was a bloke snooping on his partner's phone, he'd be getting a right bollocking here, called controlling, invasive etc.
In apropos of nothing, sure, just like a woman would be called these things. But OP is married to a man who has "lied to me previously about stuff" and she knew his behaviour was a bit off having been to the pub and coming home pissed. It's a fine line with snooping, but the options are 1. Stew about it and do nothing 2. Ask, but knowing he has lied about stuff before and if there is anything going on he will delete evidence and be more careful and you will stew about it. 3. Snoop and either get some peace of mind, or evidence to confront him with.

This. In spades. Intelligent people need to know rather than have doubt or the Sword Of Damocles. Snooping is knowledge You have to have knowledge, especially when that person has been a shifty type in the past. It's called learning from previous experience and going with your gut.

If I hadn't looked at my ex's phone I would never have known the full truth, just his version which was 1/10. Once I knew the lot, I could move on with zero regret.