Dd12 needs to lose weight

[Janegoldberg]

And I don’t know how to approach this
do I tell her or do I just enforce make the changes in the basis us unhealthy? I don’t want her to develop a bad attitude to food however she is overweight it’s starting to show and her diet is awful
since going to secondary school she will only buy a cake and drink for lunch she will then come home and want chocolate barely eating a proper dinner
I often find sweet wrappers and if someone gives her money she goes to shops to buy sweets

this is my fault as someone who suffered an eating disorder and still does iv not managed it right but she is also very anti being told what to do if I tell her to do something she is likely to do the opposite or argue about it. She can be quite oppositional
she is anti diet
mom starting to change my own awful habits too

to add age is so beautiful the way she is starting to be called names and has put on weight

I think we need to start with you first. Are you modelling good eating habits and regular exercise?

I do now yes

What’s the menu been like at home before now?

During puberty girls do change shape - and it can see alarming but actually natural growth spurts will sort it and developing breasts & hips does mean more body fat than a child’s shape.

So, is she actually overweight or is she just changing? If you’ve struggled with eating and potentially that’s wrapped up with your feelings about your own body, then you need to be sure you are not projecting.

Eating lots of sweets & cake is not great, of course, but that’s not often the whole story.

Has she finished growing? Because if not, i dont think you lose weight, you try to msintsin it snd get s bit taller if thst make sense.

I think you should contact the school nursing team for advice.

Is she actually overweight? What is her weight and hight?

I’d leave it alone to be honest. Getting involved if a lose lose situation for both of you.

Go swimming and take her with you. Twice a week. Every time. It will fall off

She comes home and wants chocolate? Do you never have boundaries with food? Even without a weight issue wouldn’t be allowing my child/teen to come home from school and demand chocolate. If they’re peckish while dinner is cooking, they can have some fruit, veg sticks, hummus, certainly not chocolate.
I think you’re in for a hard time because you’ve allowed this kind of eating and now suddenly want to stop it because your daughters appearance is changing because of it. If it was about her health you’d have made changes before now, because even if maintaining a healthy weight she wasn’t having a healthy diet.

DS started to look overweight between the age of 12 and 13. Had a definite “spare tyre” going on. He’s just turned 14 and had a massive growth spurt and is now like a rake. So I agree I would look to maintain weight with a healthy lifestyle and when she grows hopefully that will resolve the issue.

Can you send her with a packed lunch for school? A lot of teens start eating unhealthily when they have the freedom, don’t blame yourself. If you have an ED I’d possibly go to a dietitian for neutral advice maybe for both of you?

I think you should remove the "less healthy food" from the house. If she's buying her owns sweets and cafe at school, you do not need to have sweets or chocolate or crisps in the house.

Concentrate on "healthier snacks" and ensuring that she was a good tea. Do not focus on weight or size or body shape. But getting good fuel in her body

I don't know any girls overweight at 12 who are slim now tbh. I don't think they have huge growth spurts like boys.

Yes this is the best way yo do it

And absolutely no fizzy sugary drinks in the house. No snacks. Become that thing my dd calls a 'ingredients only household '😄

Maybe encourage her to do a sport with you? Swimming as a family? Park runs? Go for walks at the weekend?

Secondary school is hard as it's easy to pick up bad habits and as someone who has very healthy parents who never snacked, ate well and did lots of active activities, when I was left on my own I ate so much crap. This was ok when I lived at home, but at 18 I started to put on weight and have struggled ever since

She is definately overweight not massively and she looks great but her eating habits could mean she won’t stop gaining too
she has started to refuse dinners unless it’s chicken nuggets!
she refuses breakfast
she then gets a cake and drink for lunch despite me begging her to get a normal lunch. Packed lunches just won’t be eaten
if she has a £1 she buys a big bag chocolate on way back
she will usually eat a dinner which can range from a frozen pizza and crudités (the part she doesn’t eat) if iv been working or something like spag Bol or chilli. She will usually tell me my cooking isn’t great
she has to have a pudding like a lolly or something
if I allowed her ste would just snack
if she has money for town or something she will get big bags of sweets sometimes she asks for a few quid to go shops or park to get a drink I think that goes on sweets

It’s the pre occupation with buying sweets chocolate when out

I know this is the right thing to do but why do I feel so bad about it? I try to buy lower cal treats such as mini bags of cookies or a skinny bar to deter from things outside the house doesn’t work though
maybe I’m being to soft and need to just put up with the backlash on it

She has never eaten packed lunches and says none of her friends do she will get teased etc I don’t want it to be something she hates
I suppose I could say unless you are eating balanced no packed lunch but I get the impression she would buy something healthier and chuck it there wasting my money!

Who gives her the money for the lunches?

I'm not sure what to say but yes her diet sounds awful. My niece is like this will only eat nuggets and chips. Its easy for me to say but I just wouldn't buy them. I don't think mine have ever eaten nuggets at home, but we tend to eat together and dh wouldn't eat beige freezer food tbh none of us like it. They've eaten them at Macdonalds. Dh and I eat healthily though but it does take a bit of work, but things like pasta with homemade tomato sauce and jacket potatoes are easy and healthier.

I probably do have less boundaries as I was berated for my weight since I was 7 and often had very severe restrictions of I ate treats it would result in being beaten so yes I probably do have less boundaries with food than is healthy
I never wanted food to be a good or bad thing just something that is neutral I do encourage healthier stuff like cheese sticks, fruit, peanut butter on oatcakes and I try to buy sweet treats that 100 cals each without telling her this but obviously iv not done it right

It takes a week or so and might cost more but if you just do not have them in the house and replace with ready prepared fruit you can break the habit easily.

Maybe you could frame it in a different way that doesn’t revolve around weight/appearance?

Such as the effect of high sugar diet on concentration, energy and school work?

Or the effect on mood and mental well being, how eating a decent breakfast and going for healthier meals and snacks makes you happier, more energetic etc.

Good plan and then just stop buying any sweets and biscuits even the low calorie ones.

Make it about health not weight and make it a whole family thing. Start by making sure she has five portions of fruit and veg and working out what she likes, do things like adding extra veg to your bolognaise. Discuss a balanced diet and making sure she has all the food groups at meals. Don’t demonise treats but discuss them being something on top of meals that nourish her body. We talk about them being sometimes not always foods. Get moving more as a family too. Avoid focusing on weight and restriction as dieting and focusing on body image will cause more damage longer term. Make adaptations slowly and focus on building long term health.