Dd12 needs to lose weight

[Janegoldberg]

And I don’t know how to approach this
do I tell her or do I just enforce make the changes in the basis us unhealthy? I don’t want her to develop a bad attitude to food however she is overweight it’s starting to show and her diet is awful
since going to secondary school she will only buy a cake and drink for lunch she will then come home and want chocolate barely eating a proper dinner
I often find sweet wrappers and if someone gives her money she goes to shops to buy sweets

this is my fault as someone who suffered an eating disorder and still does iv not managed it right but she is also very anti being told what to do if I tell her to do something she is likely to do the opposite or argue about it. She can be quite oppositional
she is anti diet
mom starting to change my own awful habits too

to add age is so beautiful the way she is starting to be called names and has put on weight

Unless she actively asks for help/advice, I'd leave it personally.

My mum spent the better part of 20 years commenting on my sisters weight, damaging their relationship, probably permanently. They now only have a "small doses only" relationship.

You need stronger boundaries. This is no good for her health and she will also get teased at school - which is obviously wrong of the other kids but is still likely to happen.

Can you not focus on her teeth rather than her weight, I.e. tell her she's going to end up with dental problems? I do this with my kids - it's always about general health and keeping your teeth nice.

She doesn't have to comment on weight. I never did, just said it was healthy to eat this way

Can you make sure there is always fruit accessible? Cheese and peanut butter are both chocked full of cholesterol and are not great snacks either.

Cheese and peanut butter (the no sugar kind) are great snacks for kids and teens. No sugar and lots of protein.

Firstly, check that she is overweight because your own history might be impacting. ime teens put on weight, then have a growth spurt - rinse/repeat.

Secondly, don't have conversations about it. Just gradually change the food you're making at home and the snacks available. I'd make her have something for breakfast before she leaves in the morning. Let her eat whatever she wants at school. Then when she comes back from school, have a salad or wrap or something healthy she can eat. Make a healthy but tasty dinner.

There's nothing wrong with eating 'treats' in moderation. You don't want to make any food forbidden because it will have the opposite effect.

Some posters are confusing adult needs with what teens need. They're different. This gives a basic overview of what teens needs:

How many calories do teens need?

Would you not consider joining her up to the gym? Sorry if you’ve already suggested this, I haven’t read through every post.

The local gym by me, let’s 11yo join & I always see them with their parents doing exercise whenever I go.

Maybe gently approach her on how she needs to start eating a better diet but also add that it’s ok to eat things in moderation. Don’t mention her weight specifically.

It’s a hard one because when you’re a young impressionable child at that age, it could go one way or the other when it’s about their weight. I used to make myself sick from the ages of 14/17 because of one boy in school saying I was chubby. Even though I wasn’t at all. So I totally get how sensitive the topic is.

Definitely introduce more healthier options at home, you’ve been given really good advice by previous posters. Good luck x

Just stop buying snacks, make healthier food at home, reduce the crap carbs
Do it without mentioning anything just make changes

Are you actively trying to organise 'fun' ways to get more exercise in. Instead of outright telling her. Why don't you plan some outdoor walking trips with little surprise pub at the end etc. People really underestimate the power of walking (especially in nature) and try to make exercise fun and she doesn't even realise you are trying to help her to get healthier

Weight is 90% diet, not exercise so a gym won't fix it.

Don't mention her appearance at all. But her diet is terrible and needs to get better. The more you have sugar the more you crave it - basically she is addicted to sugar. Focus on adding things to her diet, not eliminating them -- she needs protein at breakfast, lunch and 5 fruit and veg a day, and proper hydration. Once she's getting all that you can tackle the sugar, but it will be easier to sort if everything else is OK. More protein and less white carbs will make her crave sugar less anyway.

Would she eat an egg or something like yoghurt and banana for breakfast?

Also talk to her about emotions and attention. Sugar and snacking gives a dopamine hit. It would be better if she could get that in another way!

I don’t want her to develop a bad attitude to food

She already has.

You control the pocket money, the school lunch, and buy all the food /meals .snacks provided at home. It's up to you.

It will be a hard change but I think no unhealthy snacks or drinks in the house. Make sure there’s a good choice of other things like fruit, crackers, breadsticks etc.dessert only as an occasional treat - just fruit or yoghurt otherwise .
talk to her about benefits of healthy eating beyond weight - for hormone and brain health, and making sure she has enough iron as many teenage girls are deficient. And try and do some activities together at the weekend

It still doesn’t sound like much food,

no breakfast
cake
big bag of chocolate
spag Bol
lolly

I don’t think that’s going to make a growing teen overweight. There’s just not many nutrients which is concerning.

There was a similar mum on here a few weeks ago and it was very clear that although the child ate foods that didn’t contain many nutrients, the mum was weird about perfectly normal body changes in puberty and clothes from pre puberty a year ago not fitting.

Have fruit, nuts, crackers and bread available.
Exercising as a family is fun and rewarding.
Don't buy junk food.
Don't give your child money for junk food.
Cook tasty dinners and get DD involved in the cooking.
Watch cooking show on TV
Encourage something healthy for breakfast in exchange for DD having a lunch of her choice.
Take DD to the dentist and ask dentist to educate her on healthy teeth and gums for the long term - sweets, fruit juice and soft drinks are not every day foods.

I wouldn't say unhealthy food or bad food etc. Just stop stocking the sugar upf food. And full up with healthy stuff. Going swimming with her is a great idea.

I agree with this.
I was an overweight teen, and it was clear my thin DPs were embarrassed by me. If you do anything major like banning snacks or overhauling the home diet too extremely, then it's likely to backfire. Focusing on ensuring she is getting some nutrients feels like a safer option.

Weight is down to diet and exercise.

If she is not keen change the diet then why not look at the exercise option?

Could the two of you do a kick boxing class together? It would boost her self esteem and burn some calories.

Once you have got regular exercise instilled then you could then start looking at the eating and slowly swapping healthier things into the diet.

Cheese and peanut butter are good sources of protein, keep you more sated and are a fuck of a lot better than a bar of dairy milk or massive bag of sweets.

I like Ben Carpenter on this subject of the need to be realistic when making changes.

Just tell her you can't afford to buy snacks any more and never have any of them in the house again.

Offer her a moderate portion of healthy breakfast and dinner each day and if she won't eat what you offer her don't worry about it.

I'd leave well alone tbh

Leave her alone, ED are strongly genetic so it would not be worth the risk to make any comment about her weight or food choices imo.

It's v v normal for pre teens, esp girls, to gain weight as they are gearing up for massive physical changes and growth.

I’d tread lightly due to genetic predisposition of EDs.

maybe focus on all eating healthier from a health pov

Eating unhealthy is an eating disorder
Leaving it makes it worse
Obesity developing in childhood becomes impossible to shift as an adult leading to horrendous disease