Dd12 needs to lose weight

[Janegoldberg]

And I don’t know how to approach this
do I tell her or do I just enforce make the changes in the basis us unhealthy? I don’t want her to develop a bad attitude to food however she is overweight it’s starting to show and her diet is awful
since going to secondary school she will only buy a cake and drink for lunch she will then come home and want chocolate barely eating a proper dinner
I often find sweet wrappers and if someone gives her money she goes to shops to buy sweets

this is my fault as someone who suffered an eating disorder and still does iv not managed it right but she is also very anti being told what to do if I tell her to do something she is likely to do the opposite or argue about it. She can be quite oppositional
she is anti diet
mom starting to change my own awful habits too

to add age is so beautiful the way she is starting to be called names and has put on weight

Many girls do put on weight just pre menarche and do have a growth spurt in height, growth slows down just after periods start. Height can increase rapidly in the two years before periods start.

Oh fgs. It's not healthy for her to eat a diet of junk food and chocolate!

I agree with talking about nutrients rather than talking about losing weight and adding items like fruit to the diet. Gradually change what you buy but I would steer very clear of saying she needs to lose weight.

Agree with PPs that it’s a health issue, not a weight one.

As others have said, no junk in the house is first step. Are you able to see what she buys when she has school lunch? If so, I’d be making it clear that I will no longer be funding her lunches if she chooses to eat junk. Don’t ban it entirely but 1-2 times per week. Otherwise she goes onto packed lunches. If you have no idea what she’s getting, it’s a bit harder but I would consider restricting additional spending in that case. It’s a case of allowing some but junk not being her entire diet

You probably can't control what she eats at school or chooses to spend money on on the way home, and that sounds like a battle that's not worth having. But you absolutely can control what you have in the house in the way of food.

True and it just gets worse year on year if left.
Weight piles on. Then it's harder to get it all off.

It's not rocket Science Op she needs to do some exercise maybe you do to.
Why would you be bullied for eating a pack lunch fgs.

She’s very active and we walk dogs each day that’s probably what is keeping her weight from being any higher she is moving into 98th centile now

I see. Sometimes it might even be hormonal imbalance, PCOS, irritable bowel and many things. You should approach it from a health point of view. Less about weight itself.

Focus on being strong and healthy rather than slim.

Personally I wouldn’t stock unhealthy treats in the house but have a good supply of healthy treats (yogurts). I’d also give her less cash, so 50p rather then £1

I think it sounds like she's a bit sugar addicted. I think its genetic, I have four siblings and three of us have to constantly control our sugar intake mainly by keeping it out of our homes while the other two can take or leave sweet food.
It is neither of my parents fault, we were fed the same healthy diet limited processed food and homemade desserts on Sundays or holidays. Just for some reason three of us are quite capable of eating cake for breakfast, chocolate for lunch and pie for dinner if we weren't adults who don't want to face the consequences of that.
I wouldn't say anything to your daughter at all about her weight, or health or food. I would say the cost of living means you can no longer afford sweet treats in the shopping, freezer food for dinners and if she isn't going to use her dinner money for real food she can just go without lunch. When she asks for money for going to the shop for drinks or snacks say you've none sorry.
I know healthy food is more expensive but she is unlikely to. Good luck.

Yeah I think this is a good idea actually

I think she is too and I know iv been at times in my life
iv been too afraid to make it about good and anytike
i say no to stuff it’s always cos of her teeth etc I need to be less afraid to say no when it’s for her own good
i just know how restriction harmed me and led me to extreme binge eating

Healthy food only. Lots of exercise. Repeat every single day!

I would tackle it from the point that all her teeth will fall out. It’s true to a point. Two birds one stone.

I understand trying to avoid the binge cycle, I suppose that is why I was suggesting saying it's money related. Your saying nothing about her or her eating but still restricting her access to sugar by default. Maybe if you let go of the lunch food battle and just stop buying sweet treats for the house and giving her money for the shop? Explain it as cost cutting, and leave it at that. Hopefully petering down like that will help. I really feel for you, it's like a road filled with potholes teenage girls and food.

You have to talk to her about it and get her onside.
Explain to her that ultraprocessed food is really harmful and makes people unwell and overweight and you've decided that you're all going to be healthier as a family.
There are some good documentaries on Netflix if she'll watch anything like that. I found it helpful to show I wasn't some clueless lonesome nagging mum.
The one we saw was vegan orientated but I explained that there's a lot of info out there that say some meat is fine.

@Janegoldberg keep the focus on her health. As PP said there’s lots of evidence for UPF being addictive and unhealthy. Focus on this aspect rather than anything to do with her weight. Restricting sugar for health and ensuring a balanced diet is not the same as restricting food for weight loss

Too much sugar for teeth is also absolutely relevant - this is the primary reason I don’t allow my primary age children to have lollipops, sugar sweets or fizzy drinks.

Stopping it entirely probably will result in a binge (particularly if her friends have access to it) so I do not recommend but educating her on moderation and acknowledging it’s easier said than done. As someone who has a sweet tooth, stopping after 1 is easier said than done and has taken me a long time to achieve. At her age, the best way of achieving is simply not having any more available

Everyone has to restrict their diet to some extent otherwise we'd all be eating junk food and chocolate all day.

Still not sure why you just can't buy sugary snacks for home?

*can't NOT buy...

I would once again urge caution on this OP.

She's almost a teen and will start making many of her own decisions going forward. Push too hard one way, and she'll almost feel obligated to push the other.

It sounds like you're trying to handle it in a sensible way. When I overate as a tween/teen it was because my DPs were quite controlling, I felt ugly and powerless and sweet food made me feel good for a short while until it made me feeling worse.

Being there for her emotionally is the important thing. Most teens grow out of the sweetie stage once they become interested in clothes and relationships.

So.much.overthinking

Just stop buying sweets and biscuits. All of them. If she eats crap at school that's on her. You are allowed to buy healthy food to eat at home! You have the power!

Is there a big purchase she wants you could encourage her to save up for? E.g a Nintendo switch, agree to go halves on it if she saves up her half. May stop her spending so much on sweets when out.

It sounds like she’s frittering away a lot of money on sweets so may be good to generally review what pocket money she is getting and for what. She may naturally spend less if she had a better understanding of the value of money.

Several of dds dafter friends did this when they first went to secondary “ooh we can buy donuts everyday no one can stop us!”. Then they began to put on weight and most of the “cool” girls then get into healthy / eating / fitness as they want to look good so the donut group eventually stopped that and joined in. This is just what I have observed!

I was that obese girl. I put a stone on each year. She will gain so much more weight within a few years. The best thing anyone did to help me, was to sit down with me and explain that I wasn't very healthy and am storing fat on my body. She showed me what to cut out, and eat more of. She honestly saved me. I told my parents to stop buying me chocolate and crisps. I lost weight so easily, I was amazed at myself. You need to talk to her.