To stop facilitating MIL seeing her grandchildren

[MissEDashwood19]

Unfortunately, since my SIL's first child was born, a month after our second born, MIL has decided to no longer bother with either of our children. We live a five minute drive away, so it's not distance related.

DC1(2 y/o) who was adored and given so much attention and time from her grandmother no longer sees her for weeks on end.

On the occasions I have taken her to visit PIL (we have always done this), MIL seemed very irritated, so I have stopped. FIL was friendly and happy to see both children. For context, DC1 is impeccably behaved and always asks to see her Grandma.

DH has also told MIL that DC1 misses her but she has made no effort to see her except taking her once for an afternoon.

On this particular afternoon SIL decided to turn up at MIL's with her baby, which lead to DC1 crying as she was struggling at the time to adjust to having a baby sibling at home. SIL is very jealous and has always been quite unkind towards DC1, so I think this was deliberate. DC1 behaviour was then reported negatively to us and DC1 has not been invited over since

DC2 (4 months) existence is barely acknowledged and when it is, it is to be constantly compared to cousin (often negatively).

DC1 is now attending nursery twice a week, which MIL constantly criticises, saying 9-4 is a very long day for a little one.

MIL kindly and voluntarily used to look after DC1 on those days, but had said she could no longer do it as SIL would need the slots for help/childcare, despite not working and having no intention of going back to work. We accepted this graciously and enrolled DC1 in nursery.

MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is and is always over there helping despite SIL's husband having taken a sabbatical and one of her friends moving in to help. But DC1 attending a nursery she enjoys twice a week during my mat leave is seen as the height of laziness and neglect. Her comments have had me in tears.

AIBU to no longer encourage or facilitate my MIL seeing our children?

I wouldn’t be seeing her either, never mind your child. MIL sounds rude and interfering, that’s before you even get to the SIL favouritism. I would be giving all of them a wide berth

Guess SIL is the golden child then. You are fighting a losing battle.

Yabu for giving even the slightest shit what she thinks

Cut them all out.

I wouldn’t be seeing them, in fact I would not contact them at all and see how long it is before they make contact.

what does your partner think?

When I had their first dgc ils were keen on seeing dc. Not overly but were present. Sil gave birth to JC reincarnated and dc got dumped. Tried talking to them but to no avail. Best they could do was ask sil to allow my dc to visit for 90 mins twice a week without her and her dc there.. So twice a week we arrived and sil would flounce off. Very awkward... Never changed until I backed off.
When I had dc3 (at 6am)I actually discharged myself to collect dc 1 +2 from school as my childcare had fallen through. Dh was at work (twat).
Ils lived in the school street.

Apple and tree there folks....
Leave any relationship between the lot of them up to your dh...

I honestly just wouldn't message and wouldn't go round. Basically sit it out and wait to see how long it takes MIL or FIL to reach out to you.

What does your DH think of all this?

And why do you think your SIL is jealous?

Sounds eerily familiar! I can't believe you were forced to pick your other two up from school. My SIL organised her wedding for my due date with DC2 (she knew the date).I ended up having an epidural to ensure my DH would be there during my labour and DC1 could go to grandparents.

DH sees it but tries to avoid conflict. He said that his sister was jealous of the attention our DC1 received from his parents and that's why she ignored our child. She also booked her wedding for my due date with DC2, which DH said was deliberate as everyone knew the date.

Will DH confront her on it? I wouldn't facilitate but I would also make it crystal clear that the feeling amongst you all is that your children are a burden and they are no longer wishing to be active grandparents. It might be that they don't realise, it could be something else is going on or it might just be that they are awful people. My DH called out mil and fil when they seemed disinterested in us or our child and it actually triggered them to disclose a health diagnosis they were trying to "shield" us all from. It actually helped the relationship grow as we could support them and they showed they wanted a great bond with our child and us

SIL is the golden child. Your DH (and therefore his children too) will always be second-best.

Get on with living your life. Let your DH facilitate visits if he wants to. But don’t take on your ILs unhealthy dynamic as something you can or should fix. Do not instigate contact or be responsible for begging for scraps of attention.

Tell DC1 in a breezy tone that grandma has been pretty busy lately. Rinse and repeat.

MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is

DC1 attending a nursery she enjoys twice a week during my mat leave is seen as the height of laziness and neglect.

Her comments have had me in tears.

The opportunities for these comments need to stop.

If she is messaging you, put her on mute. If she is messaging in a group, leave the group. If she is calling you, don't accept the calls.

If she's making these comments in person then don't go round there anymore and don't invite her to yours.

If DH wants to take dc to her, let him take her (nor for the whole day, just a couple of hours), but you shouldn't facilitate anything at all.

Wait a few years and your child will start noticing for themselves that they aren't wanted.

I would inclined to say to OH if he wants to facilitate contact, then he can crack on. Otherwise do nothing.

Would FiL come round without MiL?

Otherwise I wouldn't bother with any of them

My ils are ex now. Still see them now and again as (only) 1 of my 3 dc (adult now) see them. History obviously rewritten.
Oddly of all the 6 of sil's dc they practically raised none bother with them. 5 live in the very same area...
Not even on both their recent birthdays...

What upsets me most is the unkind comments when I have two small children and am doing my best without support (my family lives hundreds of miles away). When she does turn up, it is spontaneous. I would love not to answer as all she has to offer is criticism.

Most recently MIL was moaning about the health visitor telling my SIL that her baby needed to stop being put to sleep on tummy as it goes against SIDS guidance and her baby is IUGR.

She asked me why I didn't put my baby to bed on tummy or co-sleep, like SIL as SIL now gets so much more sleep and it is so much more comfortable for the baby. I said that I was happy to follow the guidance and knowing that I suffered with PPA basically criticised me for being anxious.

He has done that a few times actually. He even said he was coming over as "poor little DC2 is being overlooked." He is a nice man and never judges. MIL is the issue and rules the roost.

Avoid avoid avoid! She sounds awful!
Try to join as many baby groups as you can, there will so many Mums close to you who are desperate to make friends with other Mums. Build up your own support network around you, it doesn't have to be family.
It's her loss not yours, try and forget about her and don't take it personally
Hugs xxxx

Can you move hundreds of miles away to be near to your family?

As a pp has said, your DC will see for themselves at some point.

My MIL has favoured DH's brothers kids to an enormous degree. So many examples... expensive jewellery for the cousins and a packet of biscuits for DC in front of the whole family was so bad, it was funny. To DCs credit we still laugh about that one!

It was quite sad when DC first commented on it, but so much easier after that point. We are able to talk about it openly, where appropriate.

DC is 18 now and it's been a valuable life lesson on how some people will be there for you and some won't.

Fuck. That. Shit!

It’s funny, I posted something similar on here about in-laws never making any effort to see their grandchild, have never offered to babysit or got him anything they’ve seen anywhere and it’s their only grandchild.. everyone replied to me so negatively saying I should make more effort to take him to their house all the time. We do go to their house but in my view if you have the child, you surely have the thing people want to make an effort to see. It’s no massive loss to us if they don’t visit or ask to go anywhere but surely is a huge loss to them not to see their grandchild. I just can’t imagine my child having kids in the future and I go weeks on end without messaging or asking if they need any help etc, more to benefit me as the grandparent than anything else! I just don’t get it at all and think after a certain point you just need to leave these people to do what they want, they’ll make the effort if they want to

Sadly not due to jobs and we do have a good lifestyle and friends here. My parents provide a lot of childcare for their other grandchildren (I am one of four), so I'm not sure how much time they would have tbh. As it is, they can never spontaneously visit us as need to give my siblings notice that they'll be away, so they can cover the childcare.

“MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is and is always over there helping despite SIL's husband having taken a sabbatical and one of her friends moving in to help.”

^Your SIL sounds like a spoilt princess who everyone panders to. Don’t play the game with her or your horrible MIL. Nasty people

Easy to see who MIL's favourite child is, and sadly it isn't your DH. So sorry for your kids.
Hand this issue over to your husband.

She’s a nasty bitch. Stop contacting her. You and your children deserve better than that treatment. She probably won’t contact you and will make it all your fault, but fuck it. She’s no loss.