To stop facilitating MIL seeing her grandchildren

[MissEDashwood19]

Unfortunately, since my SIL's first child was born, a month after our second born, MIL has decided to no longer bother with either of our children. We live a five minute drive away, so it's not distance related.

DC1(2 y/o) who was adored and given so much attention and time from her grandmother no longer sees her for weeks on end.

On the occasions I have taken her to visit PIL (we have always done this), MIL seemed very irritated, so I have stopped. FIL was friendly and happy to see both children. For context, DC1 is impeccably behaved and always asks to see her Grandma.

DH has also told MIL that DC1 misses her but she has made no effort to see her except taking her once for an afternoon.

On this particular afternoon SIL decided to turn up at MIL's with her baby, which lead to DC1 crying as she was struggling at the time to adjust to having a baby sibling at home. SIL is very jealous and has always been quite unkind towards DC1, so I think this was deliberate. DC1 behaviour was then reported negatively to us and DC1 has not been invited over since

DC2 (4 months) existence is barely acknowledged and when it is, it is to be constantly compared to cousin (often negatively).

DC1 is now attending nursery twice a week, which MIL constantly criticises, saying 9-4 is a very long day for a little one.

MIL kindly and voluntarily used to look after DC1 on those days, but had said she could no longer do it as SIL would need the slots for help/childcare, despite not working and having no intention of going back to work. We accepted this graciously and enrolled DC1 in nursery.

MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is and is always over there helping despite SIL's husband having taken a sabbatical and one of her friends moving in to help. But DC1 attending a nursery she enjoys twice a week during my mat leave is seen as the height of laziness and neglect. Her comments have had me in tears.

AIBU to no longer encourage or facilitate my MIL seeing our children?

We had a similar situation though DH is one of a few siblings. He is the black sheep of the family.

MIL was for a lot of years only interested in her favourites. Her life revolved around them and our kids barely got a look in. She would decline invites from DH as her favourite MIGHT need her to babysit and the very rare occasion we asked her to babysit she would turn up at our house with her favourites without checking it was ok or refuse as she MIGHT need to babysit.

We decided enough was enough a few years ago. We stopped asking her to babysit ever and paid childcare, DH stopped inviting her to anything, DH pushed back and started saying no it's not convenient for you to visit that day as we have X or Y plans when he realised that she only visited us when her favourites had other plans. If she was visiting and spent the time telling us how much better he favourite grandchild was we started letting her know the kids achievements in school etc. All 3 are very academic so we really laid it on there (we are not normally the boastful types).

We literally stepped back massively as both of us were so fed up with it. DH was always the scapegoat and we decided our kids were not being subject to that treatment or toxic behaviour. I am glad we did. MIL favourites now have busier lives and she seems to want more involvement with our kids but that's not happening. Arms length is were she decided suited her years ago and that's were she will stay. My kids are not interested nor are we.

It's best to step back from MIL. If your FIL is keen to maintain a relationship encourage it.

Same has happened with my oldest child.
He is not interested and would rather be with his friends

My MIL has no interest in our 6yo twins either, and FIL (they are separated and have been for years) isn't that much better.
Granted, she lives about a 2 hours drive away, and FIL is even further.
There's a whole back story that it's not worth going into, but she sees the kids maybe twice a year, and only then because my DH drives them down to stay with her for a weekend, because HE feels like he should make at least a token effort. I tend to stay at home with the dog now - it's just easier.

Just to let you know that I am the adult product of this scenario. All my cousins are in prison or on the verge of it, female ones included. Always in trouble as are the children.

I get lots of requests to see the family, why don’t I pop over, keep in touch etc. “isn’t it a shame we lost touch.” Not really. I remember exactly why we lost touch.

You don’t get the bread if you didn’t help bake it.

You'd be surprised how common this sadly is.

We have a similar situation. PIL barely even bothered with our kids before SIL had her first (and now a second) but since they're appearance they have no interest at all in our 2. Its like they simple don't exist to them. FIL even mentioned the teacher strike last week to DP in conversation, like we would have no idea about it - even though both of ours are in school themselves, lol.

Best thing to do is step back from it all and leave it to your DH do any facilitating.

I could have written your post a few years back. Only saving grace was that MIL was over an hour away, FIL was dead.

MIL didn't drive and was too precious to take a train/bus. She knew little or nothing about our children, giving them stupidly age-inappropriate presents etc. All three of ours were born before SIL had her one-and-only, a few months after our youngest.

Oh god, where would I start. It was as someone upthread said, like the second coming. He could do no wrong. Now SIL did live nearer her but MIL used to go on and on about how hard it was for SIL. She never commented on me, with three!! She got a bus (!!) to clean SIL's house and did her ironing. She minded DN after school, and had him stay over in holidays and at weekends while his parents went away.

She minded our three, once, while DH went to a funeral, for about an hour. They were never ever invited to stay over. If MIL came to our house, she sat there expecting to be waited on hand and foot - she never would have done a thing to help.

SIL is a piece of work too. Demanded to be our bridesmaid before I even asked anyone then invited only DH to her 'small' wedding...!

The child realises themselves eventually and would rather be playing out than hanging around with previously disinterested grandparents.

I just wouldn’t bother with them at all. No messages, no calls and no visits. It’s not worth getting yourself or dcs upset over. If dh wants to visit let him do so alone.

This 👆sounds like the perfect approach by @NoSquirrels

Massively reduce contact. Pretend you don’t care (fake it till you make it)!

Older people and teens tend to get on well, so they have actually lost out on a lot.

YANBU this is really sad, I feel so sorry for your daughter.
I would stop trying to make effort with MIL she sounds horrible. Maybe invite your FIL around to see DC. Your DD will understand when she’s older, I can’t understand how someone can do this.

Oh don't. That's so sad asking for cuddle from him.

I would stop putting any effort in.
I would not mention their name in front of DC1 either. Sadly, they will be forgotten if they do not put the effort in.

This happened to me. My cousin was born when I was 11 and suddenly no one else existed. I never got a Xmas card or birthday card for my grandparents ever again. For many years i thought it was all my fault and I wondered what I’d done and how I could rectify it but it never happened of course

Ive spoken with my cousin and she was mortified and knew that she was the golden child and hated it even as a child she knew she was treated differently. They even ended up adopting her.

they’re dead now but I never got over it or forgotten about it…

I don't think it does any child any good to be considered a favourite. Once they are aware enough, they can see the others and realise that is where they could be.

So much better to be one of a clan of equally treasured DGC.

Oh, come on, she is 2 years old. She won’t remember any of this in a year or two.

OP, if she asks why she doesn’t want to see her or when she is going to see her, do not make up the answers, acknowledge her question and feelings and simply say you don’t know then distract her with something interesting like going to the park, playing a game or getting N ice cream. She will be ok once she gets used to the situation.

Those who have grow up with ever dotting grandparents find it difficult to understand that, when the lovely attention is not present, grandparents are for children no more than a distant relative.

No. Most people think that nasty GPs don't deserve their time

So he needs to man up and sort this out asap! You have been so kind but have been put upon-I can’t believe you had to discharge yourself from hospital to collect your kids from school. Your husband is a disgrace.

What's silly is you not reading the OP's posts properly

I think it's important to make the distinction here, that the OP is not suggesting that she stop contact entirely with this woman, just that she is no longer the instigator of said contact.

If MiL wants to continue to see her son's children, she makes contact with him and arranges it through him going forwards.

I'm 100% behind this. There is no rule or guideline or suggestion that I'm aware of that says that once grandchildren are on the scene, arrangements must go through the mother and never the father.

It's about time that men stepped up and did more of the arranging of visits in general.

We have this situation with one set of GPS and are now basically low/no contact with them. We focus on the family that do make an effort. I also grew up with a Dads side of the family who made no effort and by the time I was pre-teen I had nothing to do with any of them and never missed them as they had never been a big part of my life. I was extremely close with my maternal Grandmother. My point being- If you don’t make a big deal out of this and don’t mention them around your children, it’s likely they won’t even be bothered. For that reason I wouldn’t keep facilitating a relationship when they are treated so differently to their cousins. That WILL hurt more in the long run.

This makes me so cross as I have had something a bit similar although not as bad. As far as I am concerned grandparenting should be 100% equal. If you babysit for one family, you must do it for the others or do something equivalent if that isn’t practical. Keep a list of you have to but the total value must be ultimately the same. You have every right to feel upset about it.

Avoid your MiL/SiL like the plague.

My mum was a bad granny - she had a favourite in my oldest nephew, he was the golden grandchild. She was utterly foul to his younger brother and mostly okay to the granddaughters. Had similar when my kids came along, she liked one, disliked the other. She didn’t really approve of her sons-in-law wasn’t overtly hostile but would be quite rude. We put up with her out of duty.

Don’t put yourself and your kids through this, they don’t need the upset.

Stop mentioning the Gm to your daughter make it all about Grandad.... invite him to yours get him to meet up with gc.

I would tell your inlaws that as they appear to only be interested in their DDs children, you wont bother visiting anymore. Sounds like contact will just end up annoying you and hurting your kids. Your MIL sounds like a real cowbag.