To stop facilitating MIL seeing her grandchildren

[MissEDashwood19]

Unfortunately, since my SIL's first child was born, a month after our second born, MIL has decided to no longer bother with either of our children. We live a five minute drive away, so it's not distance related.

DC1(2 y/o) who was adored and given so much attention and time from her grandmother no longer sees her for weeks on end.

On the occasions I have taken her to visit PIL (we have always done this), MIL seemed very irritated, so I have stopped. FIL was friendly and happy to see both children. For context, DC1 is impeccably behaved and always asks to see her Grandma.

DH has also told MIL that DC1 misses her but she has made no effort to see her except taking her once for an afternoon.

On this particular afternoon SIL decided to turn up at MIL's with her baby, which lead to DC1 crying as she was struggling at the time to adjust to having a baby sibling at home. SIL is very jealous and has always been quite unkind towards DC1, so I think this was deliberate. DC1 behaviour was then reported negatively to us and DC1 has not been invited over since

DC2 (4 months) existence is barely acknowledged and when it is, it is to be constantly compared to cousin (often negatively).

DC1 is now attending nursery twice a week, which MIL constantly criticises, saying 9-4 is a very long day for a little one.

MIL kindly and voluntarily used to look after DC1 on those days, but had said she could no longer do it as SIL would need the slots for help/childcare, despite not working and having no intention of going back to work. We accepted this graciously and enrolled DC1 in nursery.

MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is and is always over there helping despite SIL's husband having taken a sabbatical and one of her friends moving in to help. But DC1 attending a nursery she enjoys twice a week during my mat leave is seen as the height of laziness and neglect. Her comments have had me in tears.

AIBU to no longer encourage or facilitate my MIL seeing our children?

Withdraw, be unavailable, focus on the positive adults in your children's lives.

Why does it bother you so much? That's what I can't work out.
MIL is a bit of an old bitch by the sounds of it so it sounds like trips over there are unpleasant.

I'd just be answering her with
'oh well every baby is different aren't they?' or
'oh well, every parent has their own way of doing things. I'm sure you were the same' or
'oh well it's working very well for our family and every family has their unique circumstances that's the way I see it'.

If you want MIL to have a relationship with your kids, why not get DH to go over on his own with them more often. Then you won't have to listen to her snidey remarks.

You don't necessarily have to be that involved but still support your DCs relationship with their grandparents by getting your DH to do his part with HIS family. Less stress for you when you can step back from managing that relationship instead of him.

This happened with my DD , SIL had 3 kids in rapid succession but they didn't have the funds to support them or pay for childcare. I don't think it was my DD we were much less dependent on them for support. My DD rarely saw her Gparents once they were born haha. DD is now nearly 10 and the other grandchildren aren't cute and tiny anymore . Gparents now want to see her lots more as she's interesting has her own personality and can converse well,. DD would rather hang out with her mates as preteens do so they have lost out on that golden period.

They sound horrible.

You can now officially stop bothering with MIL and SIL - they have both shown they don't care and are not interested. So I wouldn't bother going out of your way to contact them or share anything, and I certainly wouldn't go and visit them. Hopefully this will mean you no longer have to listen to MIL's critcisms of your parenting.

If MIL gets in touch about seeing your children, invite her to your house and she can enjoy quiality time without distractions.

Just ignore them both. They are horrible!

Not at all. She's shown she doesn't care. It's far less damaging to your children to shield them from that fact.

My parents are very like your in-laws, OP. The only thing for it is to limit contact. My in-laws died years before my children were born, so effectively my children have never had grandparents (except for their cousin's granny who sort of adopted them and was utterly lovely to them until the day she sadly died).

When my children asked why their grandparents didn't like them or want to see them, I just said "I don't know, it makes no sense because you're fabulous" and distracted them with an activity. But it is hard. On the face of it, my mother is the sort of woman who loves babies and small children, but she gets very easily bored and only really bothered with them for the first 3 weeks of their lives. She likes to boast about her grandsons to her friends and relatives, but hasn't actually seen any of them in nearly 4 years.

The person I really feel sorry for in this unholy mess is your little daughter. As someone of your Mil’s vintage I find it extraordinary that anyone would develop a relationship with their grandchild and then dump them when another came along. Your daughter must be so hurt and bewildered. It’s awful.

OP. Is your MIL my mother. Is your SIL mine. The similarities are uncanny.
SIL booked wedding abroad knowing we d never be able to make it.
Tried to move dad after mum died near her and sell the family home after trying to con our family doctor to signing over POA.
Arranged a family gathering on my sons graduation knowing my mum ( DB SIL kids are the favourites ) would go to their house for a BBQ rather than ours.
Tried to sell family home whilst we were on holiday after dad died ( dad saw through her and had already put my name on the deeds) Neighbour phoned and told me the house was up for sale 🤯

My mum spent every waking hour cleaning and cooking for SIL with one child when i had a 3yr old and just had a Caesarian with twins and my dh was in hospital with a brain haemorrhage. Neither even asked how he was. My twins were about 5months old before she saw them and over a year before SIL bothered. When they came they we’re just rude, making hurtful comments about and to my kids. They didnt even come to the Christenings.

I could go on and on. It caused so much heart ache we just dropped them completely.
Horrible to say but it was the best decision we made. Not for my poor dad though.

Walk away. Cut all ties. You can’t reason with this behaviour and it’s just too toxic.

My parents provide a lot of childcare for their other grandchildren (I am one of four), so I'm not sure how much time they would have tbh. As it is, they can never spontaneously visit us as need to give my siblings notice that they'll be away, so they can cover the childcare. you wouldn't be relocating to your home town for childcare, you would be going to be near to your family. Its about moral support and being near to people who care about you. Most gps don't do childcare anyway, so it isn't about that.

DM favours SIS and therefore her kids. And my sister is lovely, so I've no hard feelings towards her or hers - she didn't ask for it and being the golden child has it's own drawbacks anyway.
So I left it up to DM how much contact she wanted with DS - and it was actually minimal. The result is that he barely bothers with her. He's close to the other side of the family. He laughs off the shit gifts he gets from nana, and is aware that his cousins get good ones but is also aware that it's not him, it's all her.
Don't force a relationship - if DH wants to go around with the kids, send them off. If he can't be arsed, it's not on you.

Is this a pattern from DH’s childhood, was sister preferred over your DH as children? If so I wouldn’t even bother trying to change such an ingrained dynamic, I’d withdraw and focus on building up other relationships and having boundaries with MIL to prevent the rude comments. I’d ask FIL over more often.

if it’s new. Maybe give it some time and just see MIl on your terms eg when she is invited to yours without SIL.

OP, why don’t you show favouritism back? I would Invite FIL only over. She isn’t bothered so see him and let him strengthen his bond with your DC. If MIL wants to come over she can (and keep a civil tongue in her head) but make it clear the invite is to FIL.

Distancing yourself and your children from toxicity is not something to feel guilty about.

Feck her. She clearly doesn't deserve time with your DC.

I guess your sil is your mil's daughter, in many ways she's going to feel closer to her daughter than she is you. It does sound like you are jealous that your children are having to share the limelight with your sil's baby, this is silly. I'm sure she loves your children too, she's just looking out for her own daughter who has just had her first child.

This is so, so upsetting. It's unbelievable and unforgivable that parents behave like this. FIL is scrupulously fair in his dealings and seemingly favours neither child. MIL favours SIL and often overlooks DH.

For their own good, stop imposing your children on people who are not interested. The less fuss you do about spending time with the grandparents, the less your children will care about favouritisms. They will see them but as they won’t be close they won’t care that much.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You definitely shouldn't worry about facilitating seeing your ILs. If she calls round and starts on the horrible comments then you need to try and shut her down. Hard I know but she has no right to say what she likes to you.

They will see them but as they won’t be close they won’t care that much.

That ship has unfortunately sailed. OP’s daughter has already bonded with her granny and misses her.

To be honest, this is making my blood boil. I’m never going to have grandchildren and the thought that this vile woman is treating her granddaughter like this is so upsetting.

I would never stop DD from having a relationship with her Grandma. Unfortunately, DC1 is at an age where she realises that Grandma has disappeared. She says she doesn't see Grandma anymore as Grandma is in bed (not true). DC1 ran into her Grandpa's arms the other day (he came over to pick something up) and cried asking him not to cuddle her and not go home, so is clearly unsettled by their disappearance from her life.

What a load of rubbish. It's the complete opposite

Invite your FIL, who sounds lovely, to see his GC, preferably when his wife is elsewhere. Give him a really good time, lots of fuss and nice food and playing with the children. Cuddles with Grandad. Families can be so difficult.

I'd reframe it a bit - they are pathetic and let them know it. Every comment about nursery "yes I'm really pleased DC are socialising and learning so many skills" every comment about SIL needing so much help "meanwhile in the real world" let them know you've got their number. Fuck em.

I had been going to suggest this. Only contact Grandpa. He and your children shouldn't miss out because Grandma is a cow. Though he should also tell her that she's being a cow...

Yes that’s exactly what we had. My dad never favoured anyone.
He couldn’t drive and was a shadow of his former self really after so long living with my dominant mother.

I felt so sorry for him.
He used to cry on the few rare occasions we saw him.

I was amazed he’d had the nerve to defy my mum and put my name on the deeds tbh.
Try to stay close to your FIL if you can. I wish I had with my dad.