To stop facilitating MIL seeing her grandchildren

[MissEDashwood19]

Unfortunately, since my SIL's first child was born, a month after our second born, MIL has decided to no longer bother with either of our children. We live a five minute drive away, so it's not distance related.

DC1(2 y/o) who was adored and given so much attention and time from her grandmother no longer sees her for weeks on end.

On the occasions I have taken her to visit PIL (we have always done this), MIL seemed very irritated, so I have stopped. FIL was friendly and happy to see both children. For context, DC1 is impeccably behaved and always asks to see her Grandma.

DH has also told MIL that DC1 misses her but she has made no effort to see her except taking her once for an afternoon.

On this particular afternoon SIL decided to turn up at MIL's with her baby, which lead to DC1 crying as she was struggling at the time to adjust to having a baby sibling at home. SIL is very jealous and has always been quite unkind towards DC1, so I think this was deliberate. DC1 behaviour was then reported negatively to us and DC1 has not been invited over since

DC2 (4 months) existence is barely acknowledged and when it is, it is to be constantly compared to cousin (often negatively).

DC1 is now attending nursery twice a week, which MIL constantly criticises, saying 9-4 is a very long day for a little one.

MIL kindly and voluntarily used to look after DC1 on those days, but had said she could no longer do it as SIL would need the slots for help/childcare, despite not working and having no intention of going back to work. We accepted this graciously and enrolled DC1 in nursery.

MIL constantly goes on about how tired SIL is and is always over there helping despite SIL's husband having taken a sabbatical and one of her friends moving in to help. But DC1 attending a nursery she enjoys twice a week during my mat leave is seen as the height of laziness and neglect. Her comments have had me in tears.

AIBU to no longer encourage or facilitate my MIL seeing our children?

I certainly would not personally be encouraging contact. You are fighting a losing battle there and there is no point putting you and your DC through the upset which is likely to incur.

As for facilitating. I wouldn't do that either - but I would discuss with your OH and if he does want his Parents to still be in contact, then get him to do any facilitation needed and step right back yourself

This happened with my ex MIL, I was the mother of her 3 grandsons and she doted on them until her other son and wife produced a little girl. I split up with ex not long after that and tried to make an effort but I was wasting my time. Neither my ex or his mother were bothered about my ds's and 30 years one that hasn't changed.
Stuff em I say and get on with your lives

Depends whether you choose the relationship or not- if you do, the other option is to be regular and neutral- set a regular time for visiting (say once a month, for a couple of hours), exit the visit as soon as mil oversteps, but don’t dull or explain- just have a neutral excuse ‘we need to go now, sorry’, and then do the next visit as if it didn’t happen.
your children will see the family dynamic for what it is, and will also see good boundaries modelled. When the favouritism becomes obvious to them, they will feel they have power in that situation.
and the relationship will never be deep enough to really screw them over emotionally, bc you are in charge of the boundaries.

we do similar, with dm who likes to play favourites, although currently ds is her golden child- won’t last long tho bc I enforce those boundaries whether we are favs or scapegoat- neither is healthy, and dm finds that v frustrating, but we just run blithely on, not noticing comments, remaining the same regardless.

‘On this particular afternoon SIL decided to turn up at MIL's with her baby, which lead to DC1 crying as she was struggling at the time to adjust to having a baby sibling at home. SIL is very jealous and has always been quite unkind towards DC1, so I think this was deliberate. DC1 behaviour was then reported negatively to us and DC1 has not been invited over since’ None of you seem to like each other. You think it was deliberate that a woman took her young baby round to her parents when your daughter as there. Fgs you sound as bad as her. Let your husband deal with his family. Distract your daughter if she starts crying about her GP or let your husband deal with it. You are focusing on every negative thing you can.

FIL was friendly and happy to see both children.

If you can plan your monthly visits for when FIL is free and around to interact with his grandchildren then do what Wishiwasatsoftplay suggests.

Thank you for your lovely input. It was deliberate as FIL asked that SIL didn't come over as DC1 was there and needed some 1:1 time with them and was struggling with her baby sibling.

Thank you so much for your kind message. I'm definitely working on this.

I think, beyond the mean comments, the main issue was my DC1 being so upset and asking to see her grandparents. FIL came over today to pick something up and DC1 cried when he was leaving and asked him to cuddle her.

@MissEDashwood19 - In relation to this point you make :
"When she does turn up, it is spontaneous. I would love not to answer as all she has to offer is criticism."
My suggestion to this is to just not answer the door, or if you, answer it but say to her "Oh, I'm terribly sorry that you've had a wasted visit. DC1 is with her friends today and DC2 is currently napping and I won't wake a sleeping baby. You're hardly here to see me so it's probably best for you to contact DH to arrange a visit when he's here. You do have his mobile number, right? That's wonderful. Now I really must go as I have a sponge in the oven and I don't want to burn it. Bye"
Depending on the tone of how you say that to her, you're just being factual and you're telling her that she isn't getting into your house. You're the one that rules the roost there (as much as she would know based on the interaction) and she should contact her son to arrange a visit.

Best of luck with it all.

Your SIL is a brat and incredibly entitled. Imagine being jealous of a child. Ridiculous.

How do you communicate with them? Can you just message FIL and invite him over to yours, or to meet you out somewhere with your children for a play date? Would your MIL sulk? Ignore the bitchy texts and rude above it and just evade the questions. When they ask why don’t you do this (lie her to sleep on stomach) just deflect so ‘oh we just do what works for us,’ ‘oh maybe we will give it a go’ etc and then ignore. I would cut contact right down though

This is dreadful! What does your DH say? Does your DC still see grandma?

That’s a bit of a drip feed. The point remains, you don’t like your SIL or MIL. Let your husband deal with his family and stop giving yourself more reasons to resent them.

This situation is in line with what a lot of posters on MN think though….DC’s relationship with PILs is secondary to DC’s relationship with maternal GPs (of course, it’s usually only okay when the poster’s parents are the favoured GPs).

We had something similar, both children are late teens now and MIL is known as nasty granny.

Can your DH have a conversation with his father about what is going on? It sounds as if he at least doesn't want to cut off contact.

I could write the same!
In the end Dh realised he was a scape goat and that extended to me and our children.

Me and SIL have kids after each other. And for the first time my son was born a few months before her 5th.. well my son at 6 months old got accused of bullying the 3 month old :/

That was the last straw

Or when my son was walking at 10 months.. he was accused of being a wannabee gangster and when he fell out of MIL arms.. because he cried cos he broke his nose.. because sil baby was crying! My son was making her son cry!

We moved away nearer mine! Where my family cherish my children!

My 2dc were dumped by pil when sil had her first baby. Mine are nearly adults and don’t give a stuff that they barely see their dgp. It’s their loss! I would get used to it and move on. Sorry if that’s harsh, but I learnt the hard way.

This.

It's hard not to be bitter op. When we had the first dgc we got a second hand moses basket for which I was grateful.. And some sheets mil told me were factory seconds..
Sil got top of the range full pram set up. And when she had a dc a year later the twin version...
Never got any better.

Am almost certain you have posted before about your SIL. The due date and wedding seems to much of a coincidence? She made comments about not having interventions during her pregnancy?
Am sorry to hear the family dynamic has taken this turn with your children. I think for the benefit of their mental health you need to have a serious and unpleasant discussion or go very low contact. They don't deserve to grow up being negatively compared to the favourite grandchild and their mother being disrespected and hurt.

Painful for your DH. Maybe some counselling is in order but your children are already being harmed by her horrible behaviour. Your poor DD. She must feel so confused.

Think you've posted about them before. And the saying 'when someone shows you what they are, believe them; is true here. She won't change. Their family dynamic is messed up and the best thing you can do for your family is take a massive step back. Expect that your daughter will soon enough get used to not seeing them and getting their attention. Maybe it's better that this happens now than later down the line. You can't force them to treat you better and really it's their loss as they will miss out on spending time with your daughter. But don't allow your daughter to be mistreated by them and crave their attention - they don't sound worthy of it.

Lol!

You should send her a link to one of the 'Horrible Grandma' episodes of Friday Night Dinner, telling her that this is your family's latest favourite TV show and that you all think she'll love it 🤣

You have two witches as a mil and sil. I agree with pp—avoid them. Would you really want witch #1 to influence your dc? With the negative things she says? And witch #2 must have world revolve around her or else. Ultimately, it would be harmful to allow them around your dc because they will give off vibes of ill will toward dc and that will be perceived by them even if it’s not said outright.

Genuinely went slack-jawed when I got to your 4th paragraph.

What awful people your 'lucky' husband has as his birth family 😞

Please don’t allow yourself and your children to be treated like this. FIL sounds nice so meet up with him in the park or invite him round.
Shut down MIL if she Vaisya and starts criticising.

I would stop putting any effort it. I was blessed with my PIL who loved all their grandkids (11 of them with 23 years between youngest and eldest).
However, one Bil and Sil were just like this. I simply told dh that I was done. If he wanted a relationship crack on but I wouldn't try any more. Literally never saw them again apart from weddings and funerals.