AIBU getting frustrated with adults self diagnosing with ADHD?

[Ags888]

To start I'll explain why I'm probably taking it too personally - I'm 90% certain my dad and my brother have undiagnosed ADHD - My dad is kind of a wreck in personal life, but his work is extremely restrictive and there's no chance for distractions so he's surviving, plus my mum is an angel. My brother is not able to complete any tasks, cannot hold any job, but also is quite spoiled and isn't really trying. I know it's genetic and in the past I thought about it in myself - I failed a lot in my early life, but from about age 25 I learnt that if I adjust/restrict my life I am able to achieve things. I never thought about using it as an excuse, rather feel embarrased that it took me 25 years to figure out how to discipline myself.

In last 1-2 years I noticed a lot of women in both my and my partner's circles, in their 30thies, bring up that they think they have ADHD, or are in a process of getting a diagnosis. some time ago I was at a dinner where all 3 women present were talking about their ADHD struggles as starting a lot of projects and not finishing any, or uncontrollabyly spending. I felt uncomfortable and felt like saying "isn't it like that for everyone? finishing projects and budgeting is not easy, just something you need to learn" but I didn't want to be impolite.

Some of them openly say that getting the diagnosis will translate to benefits at work/other responsibilities, or getting PIP.

I have one friend who got diagnosed recently, but in her case I believe it's legit, she cannot hold a job, gets hyperfocused on thing's she's interested in but everyday life is a struggle. Most important she is pushing herself to improve but is still struggling.

For all the rest the idea of ADHD diagnosis feels like it came out of nowhere. granted, not everyone me or my partner have known for 10-20 years, but good chunk. Those women are having careers/jobs, not wrecking their lives with debt, they have friends/relationships, they are not unrealible to the point people just abandon them (Like my brother or friend)

Is it just mine circles that have this sudden surge in ADHD talks? I do't use social media much but I think I saw a lot of it there too. It frustrates me because it feels like it's taking away from the life wrecking experiences of people I know.

I understand it's most likely a spectrum, and not everyone's struggles are visible, but I'm baffled with how almost every woman I know claims it.

Yabu.

Also the person who described ADHD as laziness, shows you know fuck all. I'd say the individual's I know with diagnosed ADHD are actually anything but lazy, it's like doing 85,000 tasks at once. It's the total opposite of lazy.

I suspect I probably have something going on, outwardly fine but crippled with anxiety for a period of time, need continuous stimulation, literally cannot and do not ever sit still, nothing is every "enough", easy to mistake with depression. My dad absolutely has enormous undiagnosed mental health issues which would make it make sense.

I am however about to pursue therapy for my many issues but don't know if I will do anything about considering any diagnosis of anything.

I don't see the issue with people self diagnosing if it helps them understand why they are like they are or provides them with coping strategies. If it makes them feel less "why the fuck doesn't my brain work like anyone elses" then I think that's good.

Also the person who described ADHD as laziness, shows you know fuck all. I'd say the individual's I know with diagnosed ADHD are actually anything but lazy, it's like doing 85,000 tasks at once. It's the total opposite of lazy.

Before I got diagnosed, I remember talking to a close friend about how much I was struggling, and saying "maybe I'm just lazy". She said no, you're the absolute opposite of lazy, there is definitely something else going on. That conversation was one of the things that finally spurred me on to go and get a diagnosis.

ADHD is very different for different people. It is also quite common. Modern life isn’t always very compatible with it.

It feels a bit like when I get told that "everyone has allergies nowadays" and I'm walking around with my son's epipens in my bag and reading the packaging of everything and everyone else having it just kind of feels irrelevant to our situation.

I am self diagnosed. I have no shadow of a doubt that I have adhd. I don't have a diagnosis because - procrastination. I want to be diagnosed because it's debilitating and the fact that there might be a reason for it - not just me being lazy and useless - means that there is a tiny bit of light at the end of the tunnel that things will get easier one day. I literally can't keep coping mechanisms up. It's exhausting.

I feel your pain.

It's one of the great ironies of adhd that the symptoms themselves are the biggest barrier to diagnosis. It took me ages to work up to it... years, in fact. It was sheer desperation and exhaustion in the end that finally made me do it.

So people who believe they have ADHD should only be diagnosed with it if you think their presentation of symptoms fits your criteria of what's acceptable?

Maybe, maybe not. I wasn't claiming to know, just suggesting why people might want the diagnosis. If people believe they have it, they should definitely get assessed! It's very useful to know even if you don't want medicating

Years I spent thinking about getting a diagnosis, but you know what gets in the way? ADHD. I’m now on the waiting list, so it looks to others like I’m following the supposed bandwagon of diagnosis, but it took me years to actually call the GP.

if you met me - you’d think I was fine. I hold down a great job, I’m raising a child etc. Because I have masked everything for all of my adult life, and it’s exhausting and hard work. So no, I don’t think you get to judge your friends because my friends barely know half the stuff that goes on to keep the facade, I keep most of it hidden. However, my best friends were not surprised that I was pursuing a diagnosis, they just don’t know how far deep the issues go. But those are only the closest of friends, the rest have no clue.

YABU - I'm currently awaiting assessment for ADHD and ASD.

Outwardly no one knew what I was going through in my head every day of my entire life. My DH is the closest person and even he didn't, because I always felt different but it never occurred to me that I was actually different, because it has always been my normal.

I would fit the image of the women you describe in terms of friends, work and general togetherness of life.

What you wouldn't know was the:
Bouts of depression,
Generalised Anxiety,
Panic attacks,
Multiple bouts of therapy,
Past eating disorder,
Melt downs
Shut downs

Or anything else that happens generally at home/behind closed doors. I'm only seen in public/by others when I'm holding it all together with a smile.

Prior to someone suggesting I might seek diagnosis I've been called every name under the sun. But the ones that really stick with me are 'Cold', 'Uncaring' and 'Controlling'. I've always tried to explain how I care... In a crisis I'm there and would move heaven and hell for my friend, but day to day you'll be lucky to get a response via text. I will cry if the towels aren't folded correctly, literally cry. I try to explain that they need to be folded a certain way... The only explanation is emotional blackmail and being controlling.

Seeking a diagnosis has helped me (and those around me) see all of my behaviours in a new light. Now I have an understanding of why it's important to message people back and that actually I need to do that so that people know I care. Prior to this I couldn't understand the issue and why people didn't understand how much I cared. But equally they now understand that if I don't respond it's normally a sign things are really bad for me and not a reflection of how I feel about them.

Me and DH have now agreed the towels are my job. He understands it's not a criticism of him and I understand that he's not purposefully hurting my feelings (which is how it felt before because it caused such a strong negative response). We are much happier as a result.

Some people won't accept that you're different or try to find a middle ground with you unless you have a diagnosis. I'm doing this for them. I'm also doing it so that when I feel like I need support from like minded people, I feel like I can legitimately access it and not like some sort of imposter. I want to know where I fit. I want to know how to make the right adjustments so that I don't shut down and can be a better mum/wife/friend to all the people I care about.

But you've diagnosed yourself. Why are you allowed to and other people aren't?

Girls and women are chronically under diagnosed with adhd and those who have it have been failed through their entire lives. Why is having a job the arbiter of whether someone has a neurodivergent condition? I've worked since school. Doesn't mean it hasn't been fucking hard. If my experiences can help people talk about adhd and maybe think about how it affects them and the people they care about - GOOD.

i think most of my friends are autistic, adhd or both. Birds of a feather flock together.

I think what many people fail to realise - presumably because they have never had to live with the reality of adhd - is the immense shame and guilt that people often feel as a result of their symptoms, and the extent that they will then go to find ways of masking. It is utterly exhausting.

I honestly wish that I was just lazy and that I could sort it out if I really tried, but unfortunately, my brain isn't wired that way.

I agree with this! I think you have maybe misunderstood what I meant. "Laziness" (in this example) people might think is a symptom of ADHD, but under the surface, a million things is going on in their brains contributing to them not doing the task (this is what it feels like for me anyway). And there are people out there who do take advantage of things like this to excuse their behaviour. I've only truly met one person in my work who seemingly went for every diagnosis possible to get away with not working (there was a lot of proof towards this, not opinion). So I imagine it happens, which can be frustrating for people with adhd, as it would maybe feel like people take their worst traits and try to blame it on a neurological disorder, making people with said neurological disorder feel like people look at them and "laziness" or "recklessness" etc etc is all they see

The thing is with asd and adhd women mask a lot so you might not realise the struggles they face everyday while trying to appear normal.
Also I have found out that a few people I know also have these mental health problems. It’s not unusual to gravitate towards people like yourself so not surprising really.

Is anyone else so grateful for this thread? Not in a sarcastic way, but so much is resonating and giving me relief here

Yes, I think we can at least agree on the fact that people with adhd are definitely not lazy!

You may be right that some people might try to seek a diagnosis for whatever reason, but personally, I find it hard to get my head around that. If the intention is not to work and to rely on state benefits, they would need so much more than just a diagnosis - they would need to provide evidence of how the condition affects their day to day lives to the extent that they are unable to hold down a job. And given that many of us who have adhd do manage to work, then that might not be an easy thing to prove.

I second this - @Ags888 i think it’s best you leave the diagnosing to the professionals and keep your judgements to yourself.

I was diagnosed as a child with dyspraxia. I am pretty sure that if diagnosed today, it would have included ASD.

I think adults who pursue a diagnosis in adulthood are strong and I hope those on the waiting list get the answers they need.

YABU and like a previous poster, your ignorance has infuriated me. How dare you claim to know whether or not other people struggle?? Your characterisation of ADHD as not being able to hold down a job is laughable - it manifests in some people that way, sure, but for others? We are underemployed, work many unpaid hours, get exploited by employers who use our hyper focus to benefit them but exhaust us…

I am moderately professionally and academically successful and have become more so since my diagnosis (mid-30s - no I wasn’t seeking attention, it had been suggested to me by healthcare professionals as a reason for my untreatable symptoms of anxiety and self-harm). Despite this success I absolutely loathe myself. 30+ years of being told from all angles that you are lazy, pathetic, irrational, ignorant, callous, inconsiderate, “too much”, childish, not trying hard enough, and more besides, creates a self-image that is hard to erase. Desperately trying to prove to the world (and myself) that I am not these things has brought about multiple mental and physical health issues that have wrecked my mind and body many years before they would have naturally deteriorated. If I had been diagnosed as a child, I would have avoided all this. Instead I was just made to feel like I was defective for struggling so massively with things everyone around me did without thinking, and it was always attributed to a lack of will or effort. I still now feel like I’m just a crap person, somehow so much innately worse than other people, and so I doubt literally everything I do and say. It’s fucking exhausting.

Medication has helped me enormously, limited some of the more dangerous aspects of the condition and, most crucially, quietened and calmed my mind so that it runs at a ‘normal’ pace. That medication is effectively a therapeutic dose of speed, which, on non-ADHD brains, has a rather different physiological effect (remember the nightclubs of the late 90s? People didn’t take speed to calm them…)

So please fuck off with your judgment. TikTokers trying to make neurodiversity ‘cute’ with claims that daydreaming or intense interests mean someone has ADHD are infuriating, yes, because it means people who can’t be bothered to access reputable info about ADHD rely on those vignettes as their framework for what it’s like, and then conclude that ADHD isn’t real or is a medicalisation of normal human behaviour - a bit like you’ve done - but that’s just teens being teens and trying to find their identity. Get off social media and read some actual psychiatry journals - you’ll very quickly see it’s real and disabling and something that benefits from medical treatment.

It's because neurodivergent people seem to gravitate together! I suspect I may have ADHD and I feel quite different from my NT friends. They're very lovely but I often feel like the rubbish one who can't be on time and is always faffing around. Whereas i never feel like that around my suspected/diagnosed friends.

Your story of the genetics, the embarrassment and so many people you know having ADHD just makes it sound even more likely to me that you may too.