AIBU getting frustrated with adults self diagnosing with ADHD?

[Ags888]

To start I'll explain why I'm probably taking it too personally - I'm 90% certain my dad and my brother have undiagnosed ADHD - My dad is kind of a wreck in personal life, but his work is extremely restrictive and there's no chance for distractions so he's surviving, plus my mum is an angel. My brother is not able to complete any tasks, cannot hold any job, but also is quite spoiled and isn't really trying. I know it's genetic and in the past I thought about it in myself - I failed a lot in my early life, but from about age 25 I learnt that if I adjust/restrict my life I am able to achieve things. I never thought about using it as an excuse, rather feel embarrased that it took me 25 years to figure out how to discipline myself.

In last 1-2 years I noticed a lot of women in both my and my partner's circles, in their 30thies, bring up that they think they have ADHD, or are in a process of getting a diagnosis. some time ago I was at a dinner where all 3 women present were talking about their ADHD struggles as starting a lot of projects and not finishing any, or uncontrollabyly spending. I felt uncomfortable and felt like saying "isn't it like that for everyone? finishing projects and budgeting is not easy, just something you need to learn" but I didn't want to be impolite.

Some of them openly say that getting the diagnosis will translate to benefits at work/other responsibilities, or getting PIP.

I have one friend who got diagnosed recently, but in her case I believe it's legit, she cannot hold a job, gets hyperfocused on thing's she's interested in but everyday life is a struggle. Most important she is pushing herself to improve but is still struggling.

For all the rest the idea of ADHD diagnosis feels like it came out of nowhere. granted, not everyone me or my partner have known for 10-20 years, but good chunk. Those women are having careers/jobs, not wrecking their lives with debt, they have friends/relationships, they are not unrealible to the point people just abandon them (Like my brother or friend)

Is it just mine circles that have this sudden surge in ADHD talks? I do't use social media much but I think I saw a lot of it there too. It frustrates me because it feels like it's taking away from the life wrecking experiences of people I know.

I understand it's most likely a spectrum, and not everyone's struggles are visible, but I'm baffled with how almost every woman I know claims it.

I don't think that me saying that my dad or brother probably have it is the same as self diagnosis. I agree it's it's totally unprofessional, but observing someone is more objective than the totally subjective self diagnosis that I am having concerns about. And about myself, I guess I wasn't clear, I said I thought about it, but dismissed it as recognising that whatever I'm going through is not serious enough. And defintely never talked about possibility of me having it with others (I guess until now on anonymus forum lol).

but observing someone is more objective than the totally subjective self diagnosis that I am having concerns about.

Um, no.

Complains about people self diagnosing. Then self diagnoses herself, Dad and Brother. Ok.

Also, only believes the one who actually has diagnosis. Great friend you are.

If observation were all it took, we would all be doctors, wouldn't we?

Meh, dh and I 'self diagnosed' him with asd before he was actually diagnosed with it. Surely everyone who gets tested thinks they have it or they wouldn't go for testing in the first place?

Eh? Surely gaining understanding of any potential neurodivergence allows you to identify the correct mechanisms to use to deal with your own issues.

Or, is it possible that ADHD and neurodivergency has been greatly misunderstood in girls previously (when I did a psychology degree 15 years ago there was very little understanding or recognition of it, the focus was very much on men. So what if this huge wave of women having their lightbulb moment is just the catch up phase as awareness grows? A win for women’s visibility in medicine, as far as I can see?

Also, what harm does someone self-diagnosing actually do? Any help, advice, groups etc that they could access that they feel is genuinely helping them is not going to take anything - including meds - away from those who have a diagnosis. It doesn’t devalue anyone else’s experience, if anything it brings more awareness in society and makes life easier and reduces stigma for those who are diagnosed and/or struggle with it to a greater degree. Which also means that difficulties may be picked up for girls at a younger stage of life, bringing more support to them that many people didn’t receive in previous generations.

And then you have the broken NHS system that makes it very hard to actually get a diagnosis due to the backlogs. So, if someone suspects they may be neurodivergent, is it not better to be proactive and seek support and help, if one feels they need it, in the interim?

It's a tricky balance!

I was diagnosed about 5 years ago now and have barely told anyone or mentioned it to anyone other than my partner since because there is such a wave of people suggesting they have it and minimising the very real, life changing, debilitating aspects of it, and I find it embarassing to sound as though I'm part of that. There is definitely an aspect of it being trendy - that's not to dismiss people (see my point below!) but there are noticeable and clear 'waves' on social media, esp Tiktok, of certain diagnoses (dissociative identity disorder, tics, OCD, ADHD) and there are bound to be a chunk of people caught up in the relatability of distilling ADHD or other illnesses down to easy-to-digest quirks that are actually just variations on the norm (and not at the extreme they could be if you were actually neurodiverse).

On the other hand... there are also bound to have been lots of people, particularly women (who were underdiagnosed) who have got a legitimate diagnosis as a result of this wave of awareness of the condition. That's a good thing. And there's also increasing awareness (tipping into exasperation, I'm sure, but awareness nonetheless) amongst GPs of the condition - which can only be a good thing for those who genuinely do require a diagnosis or want to access medication.

I just ignore the self diagnosis stuff, now. These waves come and go, and in 2 years' time the people who don't actually have ADHD will mostly have stopped talking about it and forgotten about it, but there'll be lots of previously undiagnosed people who got help they didn't realise was available to them.

Please try to not judge people who are possibly just relieved they’ve found something that resonates and sheds light on struggles you might not see xxxx

I think possibly you have ADHD too and are doing that thing of ‘surely everyone does that’.

Some people replying here have v little actual knowledge of the process of getting a private diagnosis. The NHS should still find medication under shared care agreements overseen by a private psychiatrist although the person concerned will have to pay for their annual reviews and any medication changes.

I understand your feelings. If you have seen close family members really struggle then it would be a bit galling to see undiagnosed high functioning friends talking about it like it’s the latest new fad.

There has been much increased awareness on Neuro-divergency in the last few years and that is ultimately a good thing. This kind of information usually filters first through middle class white people, with a good level of literacy who have the headspace to be well informed. It is probably frustrating to see these kind of people access the assistance they need rather than other people who may need it a lot more.

That said, the bigger picture is that this increased awareness should ultimately serve the next generation of neuro-divergent people who are struggling a lot. Ultimately the fact that everyone is talking about it is a good thing. But you do have the right to find it annoying from time to time.

Everybody has ADHD traits. It’s when they become damaging to everyday life that ADHD may be diagnosed.

In women hormones and societal expectations are huge levers for ADHD. My daughter’s issues have only become apparent through puberty and transition to high school, and it was school that flagged them. She is extremely bright and quirky, and I’ve no interest in changing her personality but she needs help with one social difficulties and her executive function is non-existent.

I just thought she had my brain. It’s what I’ve always told her. I have my dad’s brain. Guess what - through those conversations I am realising that what I thought was normal, my lived experience, isn’t. It explains transient friendships, my inability to remember where things are if they are put away (hence my perpetual floordrobe). That I leave everything till the 11th hour because without a crushing deadline it just doesn’t figure as something that needs doing. It’s literally like there are 3000 open browser tabs in my brain at any given moment and realising, at 45 and after nearly 20 years of marriage that it isn’t like that for most other people has been an emotional rollercoaster. DD is undergoing diagnosis so that I can help her at this stage in her life. I’ve not done badly for myself but that’s luck rather than judgement or plan, and who knows where I could have been if I’d known and had support earlier on?

OP it is so funny that your family has ADHD and guess what ???? So do your long term friends ……

once I realised adhd ran in my family, I did notice that all my close friends are also slightly adhd. ‘Normal’ people are quite boring and slow and want to talk endlessly about quite boring things without resolution.

they are also interested in status, and consumption.

I think key point you miss is that you’ve chosen people like yourself to hang about with

Your post has actually made me feel really angry. How dare you presume to know what is actually going on for other people under the surface and the extent to which they might struggle?

I was diagnosed with adhd in my late 40s, and I cannot tell you how much of a relief it was after decades of beating myself up and wondering what the fuck was wrong with me. On the surface, you might think that I am one of those fake cases of adhd, because I have had a successful career, did well in education, have stayed married etc. You might think that I need to just pull myself together and find some self discipline. For years, that is what I told myself until I faced the reality that I just couldn't fucking do it, no matter how hard I tried.

Only the people who know me best have the slightest idea of how much of an impact adhd has had on my life beneath the superficial "success" that others might see. It has impacted massively on my health - both physical and mental; on my career; on my relationships; on my family. Not to mention what it has done to my self esteem.

I'm pretty sure that my mum has it as well, and quite honestly, it has ruined her life. Women are frequently not diagnosed as children, due to the symptoms presenting differently. People can often rely on other strengths such as high intelligence to mask the impact of the adhd. I am delighted that awareness is now being raised so that people can get the answers that they need.

If people turn out not to have adhd, they will not get a diagnosis. If there is no significant impact on their day to day living, they certainly won't qualify for disability benefits etc, and many won't ever consider claiming them. Some may need adjustments in work, but many may choose not to disclose adhd to their employers unless they really need to, because of the massive stigma that is still attached. I would rather far that a few too many people get it checked out than spend a lifetime wondering and feeling shit about themselves.

”I don't think that me saying that my dad or brother probably have it is the same as self diagnosis.”

thats exactly what it is!

Very late life diagnosed with asd and adhd. You'd not have known from observing me as I masked for most of my life. I did marriage, kids, decent job etc. Internally though, it was shit. Diagnoses and subsequent adhd meds transformed my life.

I'm so happy that awareness, particularly in girls and women, is being raised. I don't care about bandwagon jumpers as they'll fade into obscurity. They don't impact on me at all.

Fuck masking, I'm now able to me myself rather than trying to fit in to not be seen as weird. Strangely, since I stopped masking, I'm treated better at work.

Have you ever thought that maybe people want to understand their condition IN ORDER TO put in place mechanisms to deal with their own issues?

You don't know the intimate details of these people's struggles, no matter how well you know them. You don't know how much masking they are doing in every day life. To look at me you would think I have a successful career. I do but not without struggles and everyday is a battle to stay on task. When I can't I then have to play catch up. I know the meds help but can't currently afford them. It's caused me issues at work in the past and a constructive dismissal case.

i was diagnosed as an adult. It's quite obvious to me now that I presented as a classic 'girl' stereotype case of adhd as a child. My school reports show it but it wasn't things that anyone would have been aware of as being adhd. I see similar things in my children now and am pleased it's on my radar. Undiagnosed it can cause massive mental health problems thanks to the feeling of inadequacy it can create.

Finally, don't forget it's a spectrum and not everyone struggles in the same way.

Also do you know a common time for women to be diagnosed or suspect ADHD is post-children? That's when the mask often slips as they are just about surviving taking care of one adult, but throwing in other humans to look after as well becomes too much.

This 100%!

You’re a hypocrite. It’s ok for your dad and brother but not for women you know?

Fuck that noise.

Women are just as likely as men to have ADHD or ASD, but have been ignored by the medical establishment because they present differently to men. It’s only in the last 10-15 years that there have been studies into this, and that’s why so many women in their thirties and upwards are seeking diagnoses.

So have a hearty fuck off from me.

I used to work in a unit that dealt with adhd referrals. We were receiving referrals relating to middle aged woman at an alarming rate, 99% of these women had self diagnosed themselves and the first question they asked was how soon they could get the medication and how quickly they would lose weight. Many of them were paying for a private diagnosis once they learned the waiting list was 2 yrs plus. Adhd can cause significant weight loss and people are sometimes too quick to get medicated.

Agreed!

Approaching menopause and hormones all over the place brought mine to the surface--I have spent my whole life compensating for it without being aware that it wasn't like that for everyone else, or that it wasn't just because I was "lazy" or inadequate or just less good at life than everyone else.

Everything fell into place once I made the connection and it made me incredibly sad for a while after diagnosis. I didn't do that for shits'n'giggles.

But that IS putting in mechanisms to deal with their own issues???

Not seeking help is...the opposite of that.

It's like getting annoyed at someone being diagnosed with astigmatism and getting glasses, as opposed to 'just dealing with not being able to see.'

YABVVVU.
I have just been diagnosed after a lifetime of having my confidence knocked for being 'scatty/lazy/flaky/messy/disorganised/unreliable.' And that 'there's nothing wrong with you, you just have to work harder and get on with it.'
How arrogant to assume YOU know the inner workings of someone else's life and only you are allowed to be '90 percent certain' yourself and your family have ADHD.
Also, who fucking cares??? It's a medical diagnosis. You don't 'win' anything by having it. It's not a special club.
Get over yourself.