AIBU getting frustrated with adults self diagnosing with ADHD?

[Ags888]

To start I'll explain why I'm probably taking it too personally - I'm 90% certain my dad and my brother have undiagnosed ADHD - My dad is kind of a wreck in personal life, but his work is extremely restrictive and there's no chance for distractions so he's surviving, plus my mum is an angel. My brother is not able to complete any tasks, cannot hold any job, but also is quite spoiled and isn't really trying. I know it's genetic and in the past I thought about it in myself - I failed a lot in my early life, but from about age 25 I learnt that if I adjust/restrict my life I am able to achieve things. I never thought about using it as an excuse, rather feel embarrased that it took me 25 years to figure out how to discipline myself.

In last 1-2 years I noticed a lot of women in both my and my partner's circles, in their 30thies, bring up that they think they have ADHD, or are in a process of getting a diagnosis. some time ago I was at a dinner where all 3 women present were talking about their ADHD struggles as starting a lot of projects and not finishing any, or uncontrollabyly spending. I felt uncomfortable and felt like saying "isn't it like that for everyone? finishing projects and budgeting is not easy, just something you need to learn" but I didn't want to be impolite.

Some of them openly say that getting the diagnosis will translate to benefits at work/other responsibilities, or getting PIP.

I have one friend who got diagnosed recently, but in her case I believe it's legit, she cannot hold a job, gets hyperfocused on thing's she's interested in but everyday life is a struggle. Most important she is pushing herself to improve but is still struggling.

For all the rest the idea of ADHD diagnosis feels like it came out of nowhere. granted, not everyone me or my partner have known for 10-20 years, but good chunk. Those women are having careers/jobs, not wrecking their lives with debt, they have friends/relationships, they are not unrealible to the point people just abandon them (Like my brother or friend)

Is it just mine circles that have this sudden surge in ADHD talks? I do't use social media much but I think I saw a lot of it there too. It frustrates me because it feels like it's taking away from the life wrecking experiences of people I know.

I understand it's most likely a spectrum, and not everyone's struggles are visible, but I'm baffled with how almost every woman I know claims it.

What? PP replied to a question asking why people would want the diagnosis if it's not a real diagnosis. "Making excuses for laziness" is a real reason someone without ADHD may want the diagnosis. I don't think they were attacking people with ADHD.

Huge achievement! I can imagine that took a whole lot of hard work

Have you read the criteria yourself? I would get onto the DSM

I find it unbelievable that most women you know are claiming they have ADHD. I know a lot of women, only one suspects they have ADHD.

So either you're attracting ADHD women which sounds unlikely, you have one or two friends, or you're exaggerating.

I do think there's a culture of labelling going on generally; where people like to blame undesirable or less common behaviour on a condition (whether that's ASD, ADHD, even trans). I think that's normal though in a culture that's becoming increasingly tolerant and knowledgeable on neurodiversity.

But I think it's actually quite unkind to challenge people unless you really feel they're doing it to exploit someone else or to make money.

How would you feel if people told you they thought your brother and dad were just lazy?

@IWineAndDontDine
Thank you so much! It genuinely nearly killed me multiple times. I would go to uni/clinics and then come home and cry uncontrollably for hours. Sometimes I wouldn’t eat for days on end as I couldn’t care for myself after caring for clients and pets and all day. I wouldn’t even have the energy to turn on the TV or press a light switch. I even started to lose my hair. I would sleep 1-2 hours a night during the week and then 15 hours on Friday and Saturday. Nobody could tell because I hid it well

On meds I come home exhausted but I have the energy to exercise (even just a 30 minute beach walk), cook a nutritious meal and turn on the TV/read a book. Nobody else would know any different but I do. I also sleep 7-9 hours every night (and still often 10-12 at the weekend)

YABU. It's like you believe other people relating to ADHD somehow dilutes it's worth for yourself .

I have two children diagnosed. They are medicated and so see CAHMS every 3 months and I've discussed myself and other members of the family and it seems likely we all have some level of it. For me, hitting peri-menopause had made things much worse and I'm rapidly losing ability to focus and hold attention to tasks. I think a put of women notice it later due to that same factor.

We are not all build the same, I have two who are autistic but are very very different and have different needs.

There are certainly times when certain things are highlighted such as ASD or ADHD and there are people who are not I'm sure but I actually think there is a lot more neurodiversity in society than we realise.

No, sorry, I don't buy it. Nobody would bother jumping through the hoops to get a diagnosis on the NHS or forking out huge amounts of money to see a private psychiatrist simply because they want an excuse to be lazy. That makes no sense at all.

Many of us with adhd - diagnosed or not - have spent decades telling ourselves to work on it, get a grip, stop being lazy, be more self disciplined etc. In many cases, those internal voices are what has stopped us from seeking a diagnosis much earlier. Statements like the one made by @SouthCountryGirl feed right into this narrative. They are incredibly damaging.

Those of us who have adhd can't just choose to switch it off at will. Life would be so much easier if we could. Perhaps people who clearly know nothing about it could keep their ignorant opinions to themselves.

If you’ve met 1 person with ADHD… you’ve met 1 person with ADHD.

Hyperactivity can be a 6 year old running around a classroom, a 15 year old swinging on their chair/tapping their pen constantly, a 45 year old struggling with an overactive brain that presents as anxiety, or absolutely anything in between.

inattention can be someone who is always late or someone who is stupidly early. They could look like a person that is never prepared or the person that is prepared for every eventuality because forgetting in the past wrecked their self confidence.

We’re all different

YABU. You're one of them. You're doing the actual same thing. Why is okay for you but nobody else? Does other people's own struggles negate yours or your families? But I suspect you know this already.

The thing is the benchmark for what ADHD was and how it manifests, particularly in women has changed dramatically.

Same with autism, same with dyspraxia.

I think the real issue is that society believes that neurotypical is the bench mark and ND is the minority and anyone seeing themselves is the descriptors is buying into a fad.

Everyone thrives better at home, school and work when they're basic needs are met.
Sadly to meet those needs you need a diagnosis. If we as a society could factor in quiet spaces, movement breaks, cater to different learning and working styles without an EHCP / HR / Medical intervention then great.

But some people ARE lazy and want an excuse to be so. I say this someone who is formally diagnosed and have been ruthlessly judged for years for my unorganised/reckless/undisciplined etc etc ways. To think people who want diagnoses' to excuse them from certain things just don't exist is naive. Pp said "but why would they"!!! I'm telling you a reason why they could

It's such a long course too! To have persevered without dropping out would have been an impossible achievement for plenty of even NT people. Did you have to retake any years?

God don't even talk to me about it. DS and DiL told me they have ADHD, I don't think so. Its just an excuse. I ignore anyone who doesn't have a proper diagnosis, the last time I looked they weren't medical/psychiatric professionals.

@failedbluecup I have now, I had briefly read before but I have done a lot of reading over the past few weeks and it's been eye opening for me.

But if they are just lazy, then they won't get a diagnosis, will they? Or are you saying that it's too easy to get a diagnosis and that random acquaintances are better placed to determine whether someone has adhd than a qualified psychiatrist?

I would love it if my diagnosis of adhd "excused me from certain things" but I haven't received that memo yet. Please could someone let me know how this works?

Yabu and have done the same thing in diagnosing others. Hypocritical in all honesty.

Ive got an apt with the GP in a couple of weeks to request an assessment and posts like this genuinely make me want to very and cancel it as it echoes what I feel about myself constantly.

I did well at school - I was an absolute perfectionist but when I got home I'd lose it. I had absolutely no emotional regulation and took it out on my poor mum. I've always been exceedingly messy and no matter how many systems I put into place I can't fix it. I got all As at GCSE (top 2% of country in French). Did A levels and lost interest and only passed 1 a level in English (always been my hyperfocus) but failed French. Dropped out of college on a whim on my 6th day.

Have been with my husband since 18 so on the surface look successful in relationships. Before 18 I was known as the town slag as I took part in so many risky behaviours - I lost my virginity at age 15 in the IT lab at school during an after-school class that only me and another lad stayed for. I didn't even like him - I was just bored. I've cheated on my husband when younger. Ive done so many risky things.

I have a successful job. Before this job I changed jobs every year or so. I'm now a police sergeant. Lots of high risk, high dopamine tasks, different every day. Excelled at it. Got an injury and forced into a back office role. Its killing me. I can't do long term project work. I can't focus or arrange my workload. I make mistakes constantly. I lose or forget my equipment. I have to have the pressure of a last minute deadline to start anything, but the fact that I then live under constant pressure and stress is taking its toll.

I don't sleep. My mind never shuts off, ever. I'm having 5-6 different thought streams at any one time. My husband took the kids out to give me some time last week. He came back after two hours and I'd ripped all the wallpaper off the living room wall. We had no plans to decorate.

I ended up in burnout last year and spent 8 months in weekly therapy. The therapist recommended I get an ADHD assessment. I dismissed it. In September my son was referred to the pathway for suspected ADHD. The son that I refer to as mini me as he is like me in every respect. I started researching adhd. In January I thought I'd probably best get an assessment but just couldn't bring myself to do it as I thought I'd be laughed at. I downloaded the DSM-5 and started making notes on the symptoms. When I got to 10 A4 printed pages I thought I'd best make a call.

I don't know what I want from an assessment. Certainly not PIP or anything like that. I think I just want to understand myself - understand why I'm failing my kids as I can't provide the consistency they need. Understand why I had to spend a fortune on a standing up desk as sitting all day makes me feel so incredibly restless that I get angry. Understand why I can't keep on top of my housework and feel like a constant failure. Understand why I had to buy a device that I can ring my keys from my phone because I lose them both so often. Understand why we once had to get police dogs out to search for keys for a police car that I'd lost on patrol - try living that one down.

Don't cancel the appointment @10storeylovesong. Ignore the ignorant people on here who don't have any idea what they are talking about.

If you think you might have adhd, then it is wise to get assessed by a professional. If it is adhd, then at least you will know, and you may be able to benefit from medication. If it isn't adhd, then you can start considering what other issues you might need to tackle.

This has been discussed/theorised quite a lot and studied and it was found that screen time does not cause ADHD and neither can you cure ADHD by taking screen time away. What you will see is a correlation because the causation is the other way around. People with ADHD are likely to be drawn to/find screen time much more compelling than people without ADHD.

Not at all. I said why people might want a diagnosis when they don't actually have it. Not that everyone who has been diagnosed with ADHD doesnt actually have it. No need to put words in my mouth. Please read my comment as what it is - understanding that there likely will be some people out there wanting to excuse their lack of discipline or whatever with a formal diagnosis. This obviously is totally irrelevant to people who have ADHD and should not be taken personally. Just acknowledging that PP was answering a question, wasn't necessarily wrong in doing so, and doesn't need attacking for it

Absolutely do not cancel it. I myself have not delved into the world of medication yet, but even the diagnosis alone flicked a switch in my brain and made me realise that I'm not all these negative things and I just need provisions in place to remind me I need to do things different to the average person. I bet your poor soul gets cake fines a lot!

@IWineAndDontDine
I didn’t fail any exams or have to resit any years whilst at university but I did miss one grade by 2 marks at A level so I had to do a foundation year making the degree 6 years long in total.

I’m a perfectionist more than a procrastinator but I still never learned how to organise anything. So I would make extremely detailed notes but have no idea how to revise. I’d be frantic trying to do revision for 12 hours a day before exams but I’d achieve less than 2 hours of decent work. The rest of the time I would waste with re-arranging notes, spending time looking for reassurance and telling everyone how nervous I was or just generally wasting time.

School worked well for me as the structure ensured I covered all the information I needed. At vet school that isn’t realistic and the pass grade is 50% but I really struggled with not knowing it ALL.

My well-being always suffered during exam season and I would put everything else off as I needed to revise. I eventually learned that the best thing for me was work from 7am-1pm and then stop. I could then exercise and go outside and eat lunch. Sometimes I could do more work late afternoon/early evening but often I wouldn’t. The pomodoro technique never worked for me because if I had any break at all I’d get too distracted and couldn’t get back into the mindset again.

Today I have a day off and woke up too late to take my meds. I’ve been trying to do a task I need to do for over 4 hours… the task will take about 45 minutes but I just can’t make myself do it.

So... two of your family members and one of your friends are or should be DX...

But no one else should?

I do agree lots of people are being dx and lots are self identifying - of those, some will be wrong, of course but such is life.

Perhaps the huge numbers (in reality, not actually the case) of people being dx as adults is showing that there has previously been a failure to spot peoples issues as children.

Perhaps also, the very toxic world we now live in from tech, media, social media work/life balance perspectives, means that fewer people are able to mask and cope?

@Ags888
I have a successful career, a good relationship, and friends.
I also have a diagnosis of adhd, undertaken over 4 hours by a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and I now take medication. I declare it as a disability on forms because I need genuine workplace adjustments but I don’t claim PIP or any benefits.

What you wouldn’t see on the outside if you saw my life was the chaos in my head, the sleepless nights worrying about keeping on top of things, anxiety, low esteem, self harm (when the anxiety tips over the edge) and constantly worrying about how I am socially to the point I avoid people.

Well, we will have to agree to disagree. I think very few people, if any, would bother going through the hassle of seeking a diagnosis simply to justify their laziness.

I am convinced that the vast majority of people seeking a diagnosis will at least believe that they may have adhd. Some of them might turn out not to have it, of course, but they won't know until they know so that isn't a reason not to get assessed.

Comments like those made by @SouthCountryGirl are exactly what stopped me from seeking a diagnosis for years. I internalised all of those messages and used them as a stick to beat myself with. Nobody can really know how much someone might be struggling beneath the surface...so many of us learn to mask very effectively, but the toll that takes on our mental health over time is immense.

If people think that adhd may be a factor, then of course they should explore that by seeking a proper diagnosis. And anyone who is unqualified to diagnose should keep their personal opinions to themselves.

I would add, getting a diagnosis of adhd actually takes a fair bit of effort. If someone is that lazy, then surely they wouldn't bother?